- People who are dealing with
a narcissist rarely realize it straight away.
What happens is they always feel they're wrong.
They feel degraded over time.
And I want you to know there are early signs that point out
what a narcissist is, so that if you are living
with a narcissistic partner or boss or friend
or family member,
you will understand, very quickly, this is not your fault,
and you don't waste time trying to change them.
The first thing is you must understand what a narcissist is.
I always believe that understanding is power.
A narcissist's job is to make you wrong,
because they must be right.
They must always be right.
A narcissist will often say things like, "Well,
"I'm always right.
"I'm never wrong.
"I know what I'm talking about."
So for someone to be right, someone else has to be wrong.
That's always the case.
So a narcissist who must always be right
and believes at their very core, "I'm always right,
"everyone else is wrong."
If you are living with a narcissist,
working for a narcissist, and probably the worst of all,
having a parent who's a narcissist when you're
a small child, that is the toughest thing.
Because you may be able to leave a difficult boss,
to even leave a difficult partner.
When you're a small child,
you are stuck with a narcissistic parent
who will say, "You're wrong.
"I'm right. I know what I'm talking about.
"You don't know what I'm talking about.
"I'm always right."
And that's incredibly hard to be
with someone who is always right. Because here's the truth;
no one is always right.
I spoke to one of my clients once
and one of the first things she said was, "I'm always right.
"I'm never wrong.
"I know everything about everything."
And I said, "Well, no one knows everything."
She said, "I do.
"I'm always right.
"Everyone in my life is wrong."
Now, narcissists very rarely turn up for therapy.
Why would they? They know everything.
And in our trainings, we say to all our therapists,
"Be aware that the narcissist will make you wrong.
"It's what runs the making you wrong."
And when you can understand that
and start to look at scenarios,
"My mom used to say that she knew better than my teacher.
"She knew better than everyone."
You know, not long ago, this poor guy,
he deserved a medal for putting
up with his wife, who was difficult beyond belief,
but they had four children, each one so damaged.
The mother would say things like,
"I can't believe I've had such ugly daughters
"when I'm so beautiful.
"I can't understand why my son is so stupid
"because I'm a genius."
And she didn't say that occasionally.
She said it all the time.
"I don't understand why you can't get this.
"I'm so bright. I'm so..." She even said to her husband,
"I'm too attractive for you.
"I'm far too beautiful. I need to have an affair
"because I need someone much more attractive than you."
And this, I promise you, was a daily occurrence.
Each of those children came in
and I systematically unpicked the damage,
put them back together again, helped them grow self-esteem
and realize they were beautiful,
they were gifted,
they were talented.
And guess what?
She was furious.
She even wrote to me and said,
"How dare you treat my children?
"How dare you interfere?
"You've ripped my husband off."
And it didn't hurt me,
because I understood that it made her furious
that anyone else could help her children,
because nobody knew better than her.
And all I could do
with her husband is go, "Look, this is who she is.
"You are never going to make her change."
The only good thing about narcissists is as they get older
and lose their looks, they sometimes do change.
They suddenly realize. But remember, Narcissus fell
in love with his own reflection,
and a narcissist needs to reflect you,
"I'm perfect. I'm amazing.
"And you need to reflect it back
"to me," and that's what they want.
They want you to tell them, "You're amazing.
"You know everything. You're the best."
And we do that when we're first dating,
"Oh, you're so great.
"I ring your machine just to hear your voice.
"I love everything about you,"
but nobody can keep that going, because I'm flawed,
you're flawed; we're all flawed people having
a flawed relationship.
But a narcissist says, "No, everyone is flawed except for me.
"And I need to keep pointing out
"that I'm better than everyone."
And you and I know that's not true.
We are all equal.
I'm not better than anyone.
And no one is better than me.
And I can hold my head up and feel good.
And we should bring our children up to go,
"There's no one better than you.
"But also, you're not better.
"You have skills and talents, but we are trying to be equal."
If you want to identify a narcissist,
you need to look out for the traits.
A narcissist will never say, "Oh,
"today I messed up.
"Today, you can't believe what I got wrong,"
or, "This terrible thing..."
And they go, "It wasn't my fault."
It's never their fault.
They're huge blamers.
They'll blame everybody for how they feel.
And all you can ever do is not let it in.
Now, the only advice I ever give people living
with a narcissist is leave.
Leave as fast as you possibly can.
If you're married to a narcissist, leave.
You might go, "I can't leave.
"I've got a mortgage.
"I've got three small children."
I understand that.
You have to, somehow, try to leave emotionally.
I'll come back to that in a minute.
If you're an adult with narcissistic parents,
see them as little as you can.
Of course, see them. But when you go to see them,
focus on the outcome,
"Why am I visiting my mother today?
"I'm visiting her because I feel a duty,"
and understand that she's going to make you wrong.
When you say to a narcissist, "Hey, Mom. I got promoted."
They go, "I can't imagine why.
"Why would they give you that job?
"You're not up to that."
When you say, "I found a great person."
They go, "Oh, he's probably going to leave you.
"Nobody will stay with you,"
and you have to be able to not swallow it,
but just let it go over your head.
I worked with a client many years ago,
a lovely man, whose mother was a narcissist with a capital "N."
And I said, "Look, this is not about you.
"It's about your mother.
"She believes she's perfect and amazing.
"And she believes that you should be perfect and amazing.
"Because a narcissist needs their children to be perfect,
"to go, 'Hey, look at me,
"'I'm great. And look at these brilliant,
"'genius, gorgeous children.'
"And if you are not perfect, it's like, 'Oh,
"'I need to make you shape up.'
"So she's always going to diminish you,
"because it makes her feel better."
And so I explained to him how to deal with that,
"Don't let it in.
"Don't take it personally."
And he said, "You know,
"I'm so glad I had that conversation with you,
"because a couple of weeks later, I went to see my mother.
"When I was leaving, she looked at me, and she said,
"'I hope you get cancer and die,'" which is pretty hardcore.
Even for a narcissist.
And he went, "Oh, Mom. I'm not even going to let that in.
"I know you don't believe it."
And in fact, I had a narcissist client writing
to me, and I decided to just put their letter straight
in the bin.
I didn't even open them.
I knew what they'd say, "You were wrong.
"You did this wrong.
"You did that wrong."
I just decided to not open those letters.
And later, they called me and said,
"I sent you some horrible letters."
I said, "Don't worry.
"I didn't open them.
"I knew what you would say.
"And I decided it was best
"for both of us that I didn't read them."
And it's always better
when you get nasty emails, nasty messages,
don't let them in; just say, "Oh, this person is in pain,
"because after all, who wakes up and says,
"'How can I diminish someone today?'"
If you are having a good life, would you wake up and go,
"My life is so great.
"Who can I diminish?
"Who can I hurt?
"Who can I knock off their perch?
"Who can I put down?"?
Happy people don't want to do that.
In fact, happy people are interested
in creating happiness.
And unhappy people sometimes want to make you feel bad.
Praise grows your self-esteem
and criticism can wither it.
So if the person in your life is a massive critic,
criticizes you all the time, you must remember the truth;
they can say whatever they want,
but you get to choose whether to let that in or not.
So I also believe a problem can only hurt you
if it is, what I call, "triple P," "PPP."
And what does PPP mean?
Well, is this problem permanent?
Is it all pervasive?
Meaning, does it go on all the time?
And is it personal?
Let's imagine you've got a really narcissistic boss.
Well, that isn't permanent.
It may feel it, but one day you will leave.
You won't be in that job forever.
So it's not permanent.
It's not even all pervasive.
When you're having dinner,
having sex with your partner, engrossed in a movie,
having a long bubble bath, that narcissist boss
is not there diminishing you.
And guess what?
It's not even personal because they do it to everybody.
There's really few people narcissists don't go for.
So when you have a narcissistic boss, you must remember,
"This is not permanent.
"One day I will leave."
It doesn't go on 24 hours a day.
It's not going on at the weekend.
And it's not even personal, they do it with everyone.
Now if you have a narcissistic partner,
it's somewhat different.
What's different is that maybe you can't leave
and it does feel permanent.
And it does feel all pervasive.
And it certainly feels personal,
but you also need to make a decision,
"This is not going to last forever.
"When my children are older, when we've sorted out the finances,
"I'm going to leave this relationship."
We can cope with anything when it has an ending, even pain.
I've had surgery without anesthetic and used hypnosis.
One of the things I do is say,
"Tell me, how long?"
They go, "This is going to go on for 10 minutes."
"Oh, okay. I can do 10 minutes."
I've had a lot of dental work done
with no anesthesia, and I can do it
only if I know it's going to end.
If they said, "This is going to go on for hours."
I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no.
"I need some painkillers now."
So you can cope with anything when it has an ending.
The problem is when we say things
like, "This is never going to end.
"This is awful.
"I'm sinking, drowning, dying in this hideous relationship."
So if you are stuck with a partner
and finances and childcare, I mean, it's hard to leave.
You need to still decide to look at when you will leave.
Of course, even when you leave a narcissistic partner
and there are children involved, they will always be there,
and they will still be narcissistic,
but you just have to not let it in.
Usually, they move on and find another partner very quickly
and they tend to leave you alone.
But focus on the fact that it will end.
It will pass.
It won't be like that forever.
And don't say things like, "This is never going to end.
"This person is driving me crazy.
"They're the bane of my life."
I've worked with many people who talked
to me about their narcissistic partner
affecting the children, ruining their life.
And I have to say, "Look, I know this is horrible.
"I'm not going to lessen where you are,
"but you must not give them the power."
If you have narcissistic partner
with no children, get out, leave.
There really is no point in staying with a narcissist.
They won't get better.
They won't change.
They will demand and expect you to change,
and when you do, they will never, ever, ever be satisfied.
Really, do yourself a favor, move on.
There are so many other people in the world for you.
And if you have narcissistic parents, visit them,
speak to them, take a phone call.
And I used to speak to someone who was like that
and I'd take the phone,
I knew when they were going to call, and I'd have a magazine.
And I'd go, "Hmm,
"yeah. Oh, I hate that.
"Oh, that's just awful."
I didn't even have a conversation.
I'd just read, look at something
on the screen, and just make all the right sounds,
"Oh, that's so awful.
"Oh, that's so sad.
"Oh, poor you, always being let down.
"I hate that for you," because narcissists don't want advice.
After all, they know everything about everything.
My dad used to say,
There are two types of people in the world;
"those who know everything about nothing
"and those who know nothing about everything."
And actually narcissists,
sometimes they know everything about nothing,
nothing about everything.
So you must decide that you can't change them,
but you can change you.
They are always going to do what they've done.
And you have to do something differently.
When you decide, and it is a decision...
Decision is a Latin word that means
"to cut off from."
When you decide to not let in destructive criticism,
it will change your life.
I get some horrible comments on YouTube sometimes.
Some mean comments on Instagram.
I look at them; they go right over my head because I have a choice.
"Shall I let that in?
"Oh, you hate me.
"You're saying really mean things about me." But I say, "Well,
"that's an unhappy person."
Clearly, someone who gets pleasure from going on YouTube
and writing horrible comments is unhappy.
That's their choice.
My choice is not to let it in.
And remember, nobody can reject you
unless you decide to agree with everything they say.
It can hurt a little bit, but you must learn
with a narcissist, do not let it in.
That sentence, "I am not letting this in.
"This is not about me.
"This is about you."
A miserable person wants everyone to be miserable,
then they feel better.
That's their choice.
Your choice is, "I won't let this in."
So when you're with a narcissist
and they're diminishing you, criticizing you,
berating you, just decide, "I'm not letting this in.
"This is going over my head."
Even when you're in the room with them,
that decision will change your life, I promise you.
Leave if you can, and if you can't leave emotionally,
do not let their words in.
And remember, if you can't leave yet,
plan the time when you can,
and deal with it the very best way you can.
But stop trying to change them,
and stop trying to change yourself to please them.
Because narcissists are never pleased for very long,
and they have a hoop, and they go, "Jump through that.
"Let me raise it higher. Jump through it more,
"jump through it more."
Don't even bother.
There's no winning there.
You must win
by removing yourself emotionally, and physically too when
and if you can.
If you want to rebuild your self-esteem,
I would love you to download my free workbook.
I know it will help you.
So click the link below and please take your free copy.
Check out my next video here,
and download my free
self-esteem boosting workbook right here.