- And my parents, they not better.
They don't get it either. You know, they old school.
They want me to settle down, too.
Like my mom, she doesn't understand.
She's like, "Ian, I don't understand why you can't
just go out and meet somebody.
Like you're always out,
why don't you just meet somebody when you out?"
I'm like, "Are you crazy?
I can't just walk around meeting people.
It's 2021. You gotta meet online now."
I don't know if we're ready to admit this yet,
but in today's world, meeting online is the appropriate way
to meet another human being.
That is how everyone should meet.
In fact, whenever I talk to a guy today
that tells me he met his girlfriend in person,
I always feel like the guy's kind of a pervert.
I'm like, "Oh, so you were just walking up to women
and speaking to them?"
That's disgusting, okay. (audience laughs)
You need to be on some type of list.
I don't know who raised you, but we don't speak to women.
You find them on Instagram
and send them a message like a real man.
I think in a couple of years,
we're gonna see that on an episode
of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit."
Just a man walking up to women saying, "Good morning!"
and then walking away.
Detective Benson gonna be like,
"We gotta get this pervert off the streets."
You don't speak to people in the morning. That's disgusting.
And I see some couples in here tonight.
Before I get out out here,
I do want to give you guys some advice.
And I know I'm only 30, single,
never been in a long-term relationship, can't keep a woman,
but I do have advice for the couples in here.
This is serious, if you want to be happy
in your relationship, this is what you need to do.
This is real. I Googled it.
You need to find your partner's love language.
Have you guys heard about this?
It's the way your partner feels loved.
You take a test to find out.
I don't know where you find the test. Women just know.
They know, they'll send it to you in the middle
of your workday.
You got to drop everything you're doing
and take the test so she knows how to love you.
And it always come from a trustworthy website, right?
Something like MenAreWorthlessGarbage.com
and you got to pretend you know the website
so she don't get upset.
I don't know if you guys heard about this,
but it's amazing what they can do with science now.
They can ask you a couple of questions over the internet
and based on your answers,
they can determine how the rest
of your life is gonna turn out.
Easy questions.
They'll be like, "How do you like your steak?"
And you're like, "Medium well."
And they're like,
"You'll never satisfy a woman in the bedroom."
Like, wow, you can tell that off the steak now.
Okay. This is nice.
This is a millennial thing, by the way, millennial.
Our parents didn't grow up with a love language.
I know that, because I was on a date once,
before I even found out about it,
a girl asked me what's my love language.
I was like, "I didn't even know what that is."
She was like, "Like, how did you feel love
from your family growing up?"
And I was like, "Oh, threats of violence."
My mom would threaten to murder me
and then she wouldn't.
And I would be like, "She loves me."
(audience applauds)
Some people never got threatened to be murdered as a child
and it shows, it shows.
It's very important, though.
You got to find out, you got to find out where you stand.
The love language is important.
I take the test at the beginning of every relationship now,
because I had one situation with an ex, I took the test,
saved our relationship.
It turns out the way I felt love was quality time
and words of affirmation
and the way she felt love was having sex with other men.
So we broke up.
But that's what I'm saying.
You gotta take the test so you know where you stand.
That actually happened. I dated this girl for eight months.
Eight months we dated.
Then I found out she had a fiance who she lived with.
How crazy is that?
I didn't even found out. He found out about me.
He called me up. He wanted to fight.
I was like, "First of all, she broke both of our hearts.
We are family now.
We need to stick together if we're gonna get through this.
You're the only man that knows how I feel.
Why are you treating me like this?"
Men can be so selfish sometimes.
You know how he found out?
He read a text message. That's how he found out.
He went through her phone and read the text messages.
I had no idea. One night I was in the shower.
I got out of the shower, I looked at my phone.
I had like 30 missed calls from this girl's phone number.
I was just about to call her back, see what she wanted.
I got another incoming call from a number.
I picked up and it was a man on the other end of the phone.
He was mad. This what he said.
I said, "Hello?"
He was like, "Yo,
is this the little man with the ass pretty eyebrows?"
(audience laughs)
I didn't know what to say.
He caught me off guard.
I wasn't expecting, I was like pretty eyebrows? Yes.
(audience cheers)
This is he, how may I assist you?
How may I help you? Thank you for noticing, bro.
He asked me straight up.
He was like, "Were you sleeping with my fiance?"
I told him the truth. I was like, "I didn't know.
I didn't know she had a fiance."
I was honest with him. Told him the truth.
Long story short, I get a call from this girl the next day.
I'm thinking she's calling me to apologize.
She calls me up. No apology.
She's mad at me that I told her fiance the truth.
Like I was supposed to have her back.
And women try to hurt you when they upset.
You guys, I ain't blowing.
She was like, "By the way, just so you know,
sex with you was at best mediocre."
And I was like, "Just so you know,
that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said about my sex."
I was like, mediocre? I'm getting better.
I gotta update my resume.