- This week, I've been sharing with you
some authors whose words have helped me
get through tough times, like 2020.
These writers offer the kind of insight we can all use
as we start 2021 on the right foot.
So one of those is fellow Texan, Brene Brown,
who's published five New York Times bestsellers.
I mean, one topic she brilliantly tackles is self-care.
She writes, "Daring to set boundaries is about having
the courage to love ourselves
even when we risk disappointing others."
Have you ever gone to church,
like you hadn't been in awhile,
then you show up and you're like, oh, snap, that was for me?
You're like, God is definitely talking to me right now.
Yeah, that's like that quote.
Yeah, all right.
Well that powerful concept doesn't just
resonate big with me.
We actually have someone with us who says
it summarizes her 2020.
Meet Logan, everybody.
(applause and cheers) What's up, Logan?
- Hi, Kelly, how are you?
- I'm not as good as your lips right now.
I love that color, it's so pretty.
- Thank you, Kelly.
- Oh yeah, you look so cute.
- Thank you. - Well, you say that quote
helped you in the past, in this past year
more than ever, right?
- Definitely.
I mean, for years I was available for everyone,
family, friends, coworkers,
whatever they needed to talk about, I was always there.
But you know, meanwhile, I couldn't get anything done.
I was missing deadlines at work.
I was like, okay, something has to change.
So I love Brene, I've read "Gifts of Imperfections".
I've read "Daring Greatly".
And when she talked about boundaries in an interview
I was like, okay, this is it.
She said, "Knowing what's okay and what's not okay,
that's how you implement your boundaries."
- Yeah, and it's a really hard thing to develop
if you are a people pleaser.
It is like, I mean, I've heard from other people,
I'm great at it.
(laughter)
So what was it hard to set those boundaries?
'Cause I always feel mean,
even though you're not being mean,
but you feel like you're letting someone down.
Was it hard for you to really start
taking the advice and actually living it?
- For the people who are not gonna respect our boundaries,
they're gonna fall off anyway.
And the people that you care about, you can just say,
hey, you know, this is what I told my family.
I said, "I love you, but from 5:00 PM to 9:00 PM
I'm gonna be working on something.
So my phone is gonna be on, do not disturb."
And if there's any missed calls or any missed messages,
if there was an emergency, I reply to the message.
And then I had to implement my own personal boundary
by not replying, even if I really want to,
'cause what I really learned is people only
listen to your actions.
They don't listen to your words.
- Ugh, fine.
(laughter) It's so hard.
Great news, everybody.
Brene Brown is actually here with practical words of wisdom
we can all use to start off 2021 right.
I am so excited to get to talk to her.
What's up everybody?
I'm back with Tim Allen and Mary Mouser,
give it up, give it up!
(applause and cheers)
All right, y'all, well this week we are celebrating
the start of 2021 and maybe more importantly,
the end of 2020.
We are saying, "Well that sucked, moving on."
(dramatic music) - Well that sucked.
♪ Moving on ♪
- I love it, every time, I love it.
My next guest is a five time, five time
New York Times bestseller whose words have inspired millions
of people far and wide, including myself.
In fact, I was reading her book,
"The Gifts of Imperfection" this summer
and tweeted this at one o'clock in the morning.
No joke, I could not put the book down
and I said, "Up late reading some Brene Brown
and she is just servin' up some slap you in the face
honesty in regard to shame and boundaries.
Good Lord, it's like get out of my head lady."
But I'm absolutely thrilled she's joining us today.
Please, everyone, say hi to Brene Brown!
(applause and cheers)
What's up girl?
- Hi!
- Hello!
Meet Mary and meet Tim.
- Hi! - Hi, Mary, hi, Tim.
- All right, well hey, Brene, I mean, 2020 was hard
on all of us, it doesn't matter who you are.
Relatively speaking in everyone's life,
everyone kind of had a hard 2020
and just hard time navigating it.
What was your biggest challenge?
I wanna ask this question to people
I think that they've got all their stuff figured out,
for lack of a better word.
You know, what was your challenge?
- I'm definitely the wrong person to be talking to
if you're looking for someone who's got
their stuff figured out.
Yeah, for me, I have to say it was probably one
of the hardest seasons of my 30 year marriage.
I think parenting was, every decision we made
was like a NASA DEFCON 5 cost benefit risk analysis.
It was hard.
And one of the things that I don't think we understood
completely is that we're not wired neurobiologically
for a crisis that lasts that long.
We have enough adrenaline, we have enough kind of reserve
to push through most of the crises that we face.
I'm in Houston, so you know, hurricanes,
but we're not wired for a nine month.
We're depleted, we're weary, we wear out.
And then we have to consciously be aware
of our choices or we turn into not our best selves.
- Amen. - And we saw a lot of that,
I think, in 2020.
- Yeah, no, amen.
But earlier Logan told us Brene's definition
of boundaries changed her life and boundaries,
I'm gonna be honest with you, are not my forte.
(laughter)
Brene, how is giving less of your time considered generous?
'Cause how do I sell that to people, is my question?
(laughter)
- Okay, so this is the weirdest part of our research.
So early on, maybe 10 years in,
I had this stack of data and I was like,
these are the most compassionate people
I've ever come across.
I mean, we were interviewing like monks.
We were interviewing really compassionate people.
And so we asked ourselves,
what do these folks have in common?
And I mean, we're talking about close to 500,000
pieces of data over 20 years now.
And we're like, and I thought the answer was gonna be
spirituality, like compassionate people
have spirituality in common,
but I was wrong.
The answer is the most compassionate people
that we have interviewed and studied
in the last 20 years are the most boundaried.
And so what I've learned is that boundaries are not,
you know, as someone who studies vulnerability, I would say
boundaries are not a wall or a moat around your heart.
They are the path to self-respect.
Boundaries are saying that I choose self-love
and self-respect over what you think of me
or the possibility of disappointing you
and how this ties to generosity, and the research
is really interesting and here's the thing,
we're not generous and kind to people
who are walking all over us.
- Yeah, I mean, Tim,
are you good at boundaries?
I've been seeing him shake his head.
- It depends.
And here's my problem, is I can do it in work,
I can set boundaries immediately.
Comes off as being kind of angry sometimes
when I just, that's it,
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I don't want this.
When I get around my mother, I'm finally
to that point, I no longer, this is not okay with me.
I love you, I'm your son.
I'll do whatever, but I'm not a footstool,
or whatever I came up with.
There are people in my life that I'm unable,
I'm virtually powerless.
I get taken advantage of, there's no boundaries.
I walk away in my world, I get resentful.
- I was gonna say, yeah. - That's poison to me.
- And then resentment sets in, me too!
And then I'm mad at myself.
- I said to my kid, she goes, "You're doing it now."
And I said, "You know what?
There's certain kids like a dirty diaper
because it's smelly and warm, but at least it's theirs."
And in my case, sometimes I like sitting in resentment.
There's something about it that I like.
That's to be looked at.
At I look at that sometimes, I let people take advantage
of me and underneath I'm a terrorist.
I'll show them, but it won't be now,
it might be tomorrow.
(laughter)
- You're like Dr. Evil. - Make that person pay
for leaving their dog poo in my yard.
- I was gonna say, I just get passive aggressive.
- No, here's the thing.
I'm like you too, but I don't like living in resentment.
But here's the thing, I think that also
you can't really like, I feel in my own, whatever,
path, journey, LA word I wanna use,
whatever, my own thing is that you can't really
resent the person if you're allowing it to happen.
Like you can't. - Exactly.
- And so that's the thing, it's kinda your fault.
It's my fault, you know?
And that's the hard thing though,
but then it comes into shame and then it comes into guilt.
And then it's just like, Jesus,
there's not enough time in this show.
(laughter) So there's a lot
that goes into it.
It's such a bigger conversation, but I really do implore
that everybody, it's the 10th anniversary
of Brene's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection".
It's the one I tweeted about.
She's got a ton of books you can get.
This is the one that really just hit home
for me whenever I really needed it.
But I highly recommend you read it
and implement it into your lives.
Be sure to check out her podcast, "Unlocking Us".