Yesterday was Super Tuesday, one of the most important
nights in the 2020 election.
14 states had their primaries.
And it now looks like it's a close race between Bernie,
Biden, and the coronavirus, which is
projected to infect them all.
But don't worry.
There was one candidate who was focused on helping spread it.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Uhhhhh, that's not how his campaign
wanted him to go viral.
Sadly for him and nobody else, Bloomberg came
up really short last night.
He also didn't do well in the primaries,
leading him to drop out of the race this morning.
But at least he didn't quit before the "Miami
Herald" filmed him making a reporter
regret ever talking to him.
[LAUGHTER]
She's like, OK.
And then he was like, no, no, no.
In Spanish, we say, (ACCENTED) oh, hey.
As we know, the big winner of the night
was Joe Biden, who won 10 states.
And much of his success could be attributed
to other moderate candidates dropping out of the race
and giving him their endorsement.
Amy Klobuchar laid down her comb and stapler
after throwing them at her staffers one last time,
while Pete Buttigieg gave up his lifelong dream of becoming
America's first white Obama, all in the name of coalescing
behind a candidate whose fine.
By the way, this is my little sister Valerie,
and I'm Jill's husband.
Oh, no, this is Val.
Oh, you switched on me.
This is my wife.
This is my sister.
You think that's bad.
The same thing happened on his wedding night.
But at least he got the Giuliani vote.
And while he may not have won the most delegates,
senator and three-time NBA All-Star Bernie Sanders
still made a strong showing, winning California, Colorado,
Utah, and his home state of Vermont,
where he cast his own vote.
Look-- I'm not supposed to endorse a candidate.
But as a resident of New York City,
I support anyone who clears a walkway.
[CHEERING]
Unfortunately for Senator Elizabeth Warren's supporters,
she did not have a great Tuesday, winning a grand total
of zero states and even coming in third place
in her home state of Massachusetts,
where she also cast her vote.
It was great.
I really like voting today.
REPORTER: For yourself. - Yes.
Wow.
The only time I was that excited to vote for myself was when I
was on "Celebrity Love Island."
I was in a thruple with the Sprouse brothers.
Come on.
They're 27.
If there's a Sprouse on the field, play ball.
The only person more excited to vote than Elizabeth Warren
was this girl in Texas.
Excuse me-- Te-jas.
People say they're willing to wait as long as it takes.
Just before I came on here--
--just a few pockets of places around the state.
They may not say.
By the way, we asked our researchers
if that woman was doing a famous dance, and they said--
and this is a real quote--
"I sent the clip to two tik tok experts, and they said no.
It's a random collection of movements."
Got the best team in the biz.
Yet as stressful as this week was for voters and candidates,
the media found a way to make it even worse for themselves.
On Monday, Chris Hayes broadcasted
from Universal Studios because I guess MSNBC is mean to him.
Well, California, we're here in Universal Studios in Los
Angeles on the very same stage, I learned just a little while
ago, a bunch of episodes of "Murder, She Wrote"
were filmed, which is cool.
I like that show.
Oh, that audience is going to be
a real disappointed when they realize
Chris Hayes isn't Harry Potter.
Elsewhere in California, MSNBC thirstily
awaited Biden's arrival at Roscoe's
House of Chicken and Waffles.
Mike, start with describing where you are
and what we're waiting for.
Well, Brian, we're in Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
The vice president, as I mentioned before,
has already stopped for ice cream.
And so now after dessert, he's going to come
for dinner-breakfast, I guess.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: There he is.
And for all the reasons that you outline--
and you have a better vantage point on him than I do.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: It'll be the next guy.
REPORTER: Here he is.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: Right actor.
We've got a couple more guests.
Hang on.
RACHEL MADDOW: It could have been a doppelganger.
This is--
BRIAN WILLIAMS: That's true, but I thought I saw him crossing
the street in the background.
Good to see you.
Quit lying to me, Brian Williams.
Just when America started to trust you again.
With all the chaos in the Democratic primary,
you'd think Fox News would be having a field day.
But even their analysts had some issues.
Brit Hume was up at 5:30 AM to share a screen
grab of election odds, forgetting to close
his tab for sexy vixen vinyl.
And even weirder, that page was literally
between tabs for his bank account
and the coronavirus, which, to be fair,
was every man's id this week.
My 401k, I'm horny, I'm going to die.
Of course, with states across the country
closing polls at different times,
it was sometimes hard to predict when
results might be coming in.
Thankfully, the media had a subtle way to approach it.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: We're calling an election alert.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
We've got a key race alert.
Coming up on 15 seconds until the top of the hour.
11 o'clock Eastern time, important for us
because the polls close local time in five seconds,
or thereabouts, in California.
This is an election, not New Year's Eve.
The only thing Super Tuesday has in common with New Year's is
that they both end in Anderson Cooper getting
drunk on national television.
Look-- I know that last night's primary results were probably
disappointing for some of you.
And it may seem now that Democrats
are more divided than ever.
This primary has become bigger than the candidates.
It's starting to seem more like it's about the very soul
of the Democratic Party, a race between unapologetic,
progressive values and the color beige.
But no matter who your candidate was at the beginning,
we all have to come together in the end.
If you're a Bernie supporter, and you end up
having to vote for Biden, keep fighting
to push the party to the left.
If you're a Biden supporter, and you end up having to vote
for Bernie, I don't know, man.
Enjoy legal weed when it passes, and chill the [BLEEP] out.
Because at the end of the day, the most
important thing to remember is that we
have to defeat Donald Trump.
[CHEERING]
And the second most important thing to remember is-- and I
cannot stress this enough--
never invite Michael Bloomberg to your pizza party.