>> Stephen: WELL, HEY, THERE.
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'VE BEEN OFF FOR A WEEK, BUT I'M BACK.
AND SO IS A LITTLE LADY I CAL THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
BECAUSE PANDEMIC RESTRICTIONS ARE LIFTING AND
FOLKS ARE GETTING BACK TO EVERYTHING WE MISSED:
HUGGING, KISSING, SHARING A HOT DOG WITH A STRANGER
LADY-AND-THE-TRAMP STYLE.
COME ON!
HELP ME HERE, CHRIS!
COME ON!
( LAUGHTER ) MORE CONEY ISLAND FOR ME.
OF COURSE, THE MOST IMPORTANT SIGN THAT THINGS ARE GETTING
BACK TO NORMAL HAPPENS ONE WEEK FROM TONIGHT, WHEN I RETURN TO
TE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR A SPECIAL SHOW WE'RE CALLING:
THE LATE SHOW VAX IN ACTION: AN IMMUNITY THEATER PRODUCTION OF
THE STATE OF THE REUNION, CART: WITH A LIVE BODY
AUDI-AUDI-AUDIENCE!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THE HOT DOG TO
COME BACK.
WHY DON'T I HAVE A HOT DOG PROP.
GET YOUR MONEY'S WORTH OUT OF THAT CONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) AMERICA'S SLOW CRAWL TO
NORMALITY IS ALL THANKS TO THE VACCINE ROLLOUT.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S: "THE VAX-SCENE."
(SINGING TO "BEER BARREL POLKA") COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW
THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA
SO YOU DON'T GET CORONA COME AND GET YOUR SHOT NOW
THIS IS THE POKE YA POLKA WE POLKA WHILE WE POKE YA
WE ARE THE POKE YA POLKAS ♪♪♪
>> THANK YOU!
VERY MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT.
THAT'S ALL WE'VE GOT!
♪♪♪ >> Stephen: GRAPHICS GET PAID
BY THE MINUTE, RIGHT?
IS THAT WHY THEY'RE SO LONG?
IMMUNIZATIONS HAVE BEEN SO EFFECTIVE, THAT WE JUST GOT THIS
NEWS: >> COVID CASES ARE NOW AT THE
LOWEST POINT IN THE UNITED STATES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF
THE PANDEMIC.
>> STEPHEN: I'M NOT ACTUALLY SURPRISED.
I'M JUST CELEBRATING THAT I CAN DO SPIT TAKES AGAIN.
ENJOY THE ANTIBODIES, MARK.
OVER THE MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND, SO MANY PEOPLE CAME OUT TO
CELEBRATE THAT ONE CLUB MANAGER SAID, IT FELT LIKE THE END OF
PROHIBITION.
OF COURSE, BACK THEN IT WAS THE END OF MAKING BATHTUB GIN, AND
NOW IT'S THE END OF DRINKING GIN IN THE BATHTUB.
I'M GONNA MISS MY MR. BUBBLE GIMLETS.
I'M SERIOUS, THERE'S LITERALLY SPITTLE ON THE LENS.
HERE YOU GO.
BRING IT BACK.
THERE YOU GO.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE ON NEXT WEEK THIS TIME?
SLIPPERS.
( LAUGHTER ) I COULDN'T FIND MY SHOES!
SO I SAID, ( BLEEP ) IT, I'LL WEAR SLIPPERS.
WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
I'M DOING IT IN A BROOM CLOSET.
NEXT WEEK, I PROMISE, THIS IS MY PLEDGE TO AMERICA, I WILL NOT
WEAR A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PEAR OF UGGS NEXT MONDAY NIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST NIGHTCLUBS AND BARS RE-OPENING.
SAM'S CLUB AND COSTCO HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'RE BRINGING BACK
FREE SAMPLES.
FINALLY, AMERICANS CAN GO BACK TO PLAYING OUR FAVORITE GROCERY
GAME: IS THIS MEAT?
THE ANSWER?
I DON'T CARE.
IT'S ON A TOOTHPICK, AND IT'S FREE.
BUT SOME RE-OPENINGS ARE A LITTLE CHOPPIER, LIKE IN THE
CRUISE INDUSTRY.
BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF COVID, CRUISES BECAME FLOATING PRISONS
OF MEDICAL-GRADE DESPAIR.
BUT ROYAL CARIBBEAN HAS ANNOUNCED A US COMEBACK THIS
SUMMER.
THERE'S ONLY ONE CATCH: VACCINATIONS ARE OPTIONAL.
WHAT THE WHAT?
YOU CAN'T TRUST CRUISE PASSENGERS TO MAKE SMART HEALTH
DECISIONS.
THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO WAIT IN LINE TO SCOOP UP MACARONI SALAD
FROM A BIN A TODDLER LOST A FLIP-FLOP IN.
THE REASONS -- THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS, THERE MANY REASONS
THE VACCINES ARE OPTIONAL IS THAT A LOT OF THESE
CRUISES DEPART FROM FLORIDA, WHERE THEY JUST PASSED A LAW
THAT NOT ONLY PROHIBITS BUSINESSES FROM REQUIRING
VACCINATIONS, BUT WILL FINE COMPANIES $5,000 EACH
TIME THEY REQUIRE VACCINATION PROOF FROM A PATRON.
THAT'S A TOUGH BEAT FOR FLORIDA COPS.
ATTENTION ALL UNITS, WE HAVE A REPORT THAT COLDSTONE CREAMERY
IS TRYING TO KEEP CUSTOMERS ALIVE.
IMMEDIATELY REDIRECT ALL OFFICERS AWAY FROM THE
METH-FUELED ALLIGATOR KNIFE FIGHT.
GET ME A BROWNIE MIXIN.
THE FIRST CRUISE IS SCHEDULED FOR JULY 2, AND TO ENSURE
SAFETY, ROYAL CARIBBEAN IS CONDUCTING SIMULATION CRUISES.
WHICH I ASSUME MEANS TESTING THE ENDURANCE OF PASSENGERS WITH
A SHRIMP TEST DUMMY.
SPEAKING OF THINGS OPENING UP, THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S MOUTH.
ON SATURDAY NIGHT, "FATTY KRUGER" GAVE A SPEECH TO
THE NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN PARTY, WHERE HE SAID A BUNCH OF
STUFF BUT NOBODY PAID ATTENTION BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE HE WORE
PANTS BACKWARDS.
LET'S TAKE A PEEK: HERE HE IS, LEAVING THE PODIUM, AND LOOKING
FOR THE ZIPPER...
AND... NOTHING.
EITHER HE SHARES A TAILOR WITH A KEN DOLL, OR HE SPENDS SO MUCH
TIME YANKING STUFF OUT OF HIS KEISTER, IT JUST HELPS TO HAVE
THE ZIPPER BACK THERE.
BUT IT RAISED A LOT OF QUESTIONS, LIKE: HOW DID HE ZIP
THE PANTS?
WAS HIS BELT ALSO ON BACKWARDS?
AND HOW LUCKY ARE WE THAT THIS MAN NO LONGER HAS THE NUCLEAR
CODES?
I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO ENJOYED THE IMAGE.
ON TWITTER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT QUICKLY DREW COMPARISONS TO 90'S
CHILD HIP-HOP DUO FAMOUS FOR WEARING THEIR PANTS BACKWARDS,
KRISS KROSS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THEIR INITIALS ARE K-K, WHICH IS ONE LESS THAN THE EX PRESIDENT
PREFERS.
BUT THE BACKWARD PANTS PARTY ABRUPTLY ENDED WHEN THE
FACT-SHACKLERS OVER AT SNOPES.COM CLARIFIED, NO, THE
FORMER PRESIDENT DID NOT WEAR HIS PANTS BACKWARDS.
OH, THEN I GUESS WE WON'T HAVE A THIRD IMPEACHMENT TRIAL NOW.
IT'S A SHAME BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY DRAFTED THE ARTICLES OF
IM-PANTS-MENT.
THE FACT CHECKER EXPLAINED THAT SNOPES LOOKED THROUGH
PHOTOGRAPHS TAKEN AT THE EVENT AND PUBLISHED BY THE VISUAL
MEDIA COMPANY GETTY IMAGES THAT CLEARLY SHOW THE FORMER
PRESIDENT ON STAGE WEARING PANTS WITH A ZIPPER IN THE FRONT.
ADDING, HOW IS THIS MY JOB?
MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I SHOULD HAVE WORKED FOR DAD AT THE LUMBER YARD.
APPARENTLY, THE ORIGINAL VIDEO IS LOW RES, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT
THE HI RES IMAGE, IT'S CLEAR HE'S GOT A ZIPPER.
NORMALLY, WHEN YOU PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO HIS CROTCH, YOU GET
$130,000.
BUT THIS IS ALARMING, BECAUSE IT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING:
SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET ISN'T TRUE!
YOU KNOW FOLKS, MOVING ON, AMERICA'S BILLIONAIRES ARE LIKE
UNICORNS: RARELY SEEN, MOSTLY WHITE, HORNY, AND DON'T PAY
TAXES.
BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE KIND: YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL
MULTIBILLIONAIRE PUTTERS AROUND IN THEIR PERSONAL SUBMARINE LIKE
SOME KIND OF SEA PEASANT, AND THE TRUE HYPER-ELITES HAVE THEIR
OWN SPACE PROGRAMS.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF --
(ECHOING) SPAAACE NEEEEWWS!
BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE EDITION!
FIRST UP, AMAZON FOUNDER AND HIGH SCHOOL SCIENCE TEACHER
HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS, JEFF BEZOS.
TODAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT BEZOS IS GOING TO SPACE.
THAT IS FANTASTIC!
ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT
LEAP FOR-- WHAT'S THAT?
HE'S COMING BACK?
NEVER MIND.
BEZOS IS GOING TO BE RIDING ON THE FIRST CREWED FLIGHT OF
THE NEW SHEPARD, THE ROCKET SHIP MADE BY HIS SPACE COMPANY, BLUE
ORIGIN.
AS PREPARATION FOR SPACEFLIGHT, BEZOS HAS ASKED HIS WAREHOUSE
WORKERS TO SHOW HIM HOW TO PEE DISCREETLY INTO A TUBE.
BEZOS IS GOING TO GO UP THERE WITH HIS BROTHER, WHICH IS NICE,
BUT THE BEZOS BRO SPACE ADVENTURE WILL BE SHORT BECAUSE,
THE ASTRONAUTS WILL, EXPERIENCE WEIGHTLESSNESS FOR NEARLY THREE
MINUTES.
OR AS AMAZON WAREHOUSE WORKERS CALL IT: LUNCH.
OF COURSE, BEZOS'S CHIEF BILLIONAIRE RIVAL IN SPACE
EXPLORATION IS SpaceX
FOUNDER AND COMEDIC VOICE OF A GENERATION, ELON MUSK.
THIS TRIP MEANS THAT BEZOS IS GETTING TO SPACE BEFORE MUSK.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT MUSK'S SPACE X HAD SOME SWEET NASA CONTRACTS,
BUT JUST LAST MONTH FOLLOWING PROTESTS FROM JEFF BEZOS' BLUE
ORIGIN, NASA AND SPACEX'S $2.9 BILLION CONTRACT HAS BEEN
SUSPENDED.
BUT MUSK HASN'T TAKEN IT LYING DOWN.
IN RESPONSE TO BEZOS' PROTEST, HE TWEETED
CAN'T GET IT UP -- TO ORBIT -- LOL.
CAN'T GET IT UP?
HAVE YOU SEEN JEFF BEZOS?
HE IS IT UP IN A BLUE SHIRT.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE NOT ASKING: JUST WHY ARE THESE
BILLION-AHOLES GOING AT IT LIKE THIS?
MAYBE BECAUSE THERE ARE DEFENSE CONTRACTS AND SATELLITE BASED
INTERNET DEALS AT STAKE WITH TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BE MADE.
TRILLIONS!
IF ONE OF THESE GUYS MADE A TRILLION BUCKS, IMAGINE HOW MUCH
NO TAXES THEY WOULD PAY.
IN OTHER SPACE NEWS, IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE LAST MONTH, WE'VE
BEEN GETTING NEW HOT SCOOPS ABOUT U.F.O.S, WITH ALL KINDS OF
UNEXPLAINED OBJECTS ZOOMING AROUND NEAR THE US MILITARY
CAPTURED IN SHAKY, GRAINY FOOTAGE.
IT'S ALL PART OF THE BUILDUP TO THE RELEASE OF AN UPCOMING
GOVERNMENT REPORT ON U.F.O.S.
IT'S NOT OUT YET, BUT THERE'S GOOD NEWS: OFFICIALS HAVE BEEN
BRIEFED ON THE FINDINGS, AND, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT THE INSIDE
SCOOP.
GRAB YOUR TINFOIL AND HIDE YOUR BRAINWAVES BECAUSE, APPARENTLY,
U.S. FINDS NO EVIDENCE OF ALIEN TECHNOLOGY IN FLYING OBJECTS,
BUT CAN'T RULE IT OUT, EITHER.
OH, MY GOD!
THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE KNOWN THAT WOULD BE TO HAVE NOT READ THE
REPORT.
COME ON, NASA, THAT'S NOT TELLING US ANYTHING.
THERE'S A REASON THE X-FILES SLOGAN WASN'T
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE FOR THE TRUTH BEING OUT THERE.
BUT WE CAN'T RULE OUT THE TRUTH BEING NOT IN HERE.
IT FEELS LIKE THEY'RE JUST FILING THIS REPORT BECAUSE THEY
PROMISED TO HAVE IT READY BY JUNE.
THE REPORT ITSELF CONCEDES THAT MUCH ABOUT THE OBSERVED
PHENOMENA REMAINS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN, INCLUDING THEIR
ACCELERATION, AS WELL AS ABILITY TO CHANGE DIRECTION AND
SUBMERGE.
WELL, IF YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, THEN MAYBE DON'T TURN IN THE
REPORT YET.
YOU'RE LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR:
"MOBY DICK IS ABOUT A WHALE AND A MAN ON A BOAT AND SOME STUFF
ABOUT KNOTS, BUT THE REST OF THE BOOK REMAINS DIFFICULT TO
EXPLAIN BECAUSE I DIDN'T FINISH IT.
TONY HAD EVERYBODY UP TO THE LAKE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND.
CALL ME ISHMAEL."
THE ONLY CONCRETE ASSERTION THAT THE GOVERNMENT MAKES IS THAT THE
LAST 20 YEARS OF U.F.O.
INCIDENTS DID NOT ORIGINATE FROM ANY AMERICAN MILITARY OR OTHER
ADVANCED U.S. GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY.
SO IT IS TOTALLY AMERICAN MILITARY OR OTHER ADVANCED US
GOVERNMENT TECHNOLOGY.
BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY'RE GONNA LIE.
THAT'S WHY IN THE 80S YOU NEVER SAW A GOVERNMENT REPORT TITLED:
OKAY, YOU GOT US.
CARDS ON THE TABLE: WE BUILT A STEALTH BOMBER LOOK HOW BADASS
THIS IS!
BUT THEY INSIST IT'S NOT AMERICAN, AND SOME OFFICIALS
BELIEVE THE PHENOMENA COULD HAVE BEEN EXPERIMENTAL TECHNOLOGY
FROM A RIVAL POWER, MOST LIKELY RUSSIA OR CHINA.
HMM, JIM, CAN YOU SHOW ME A STILL OF THAT FOOTAGE?
CAN YOU ZOOM IN?
NOW ENHANCE...
BUSTED!
AT THAT ALTITUDE, HIS NIPPLES MUST BE LIKE DIAMONDS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS CHRIS MATTHEWS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, OUR UNINFORMED CORRESPONDENT BOOTSIE
PLUNKETT EXPLORES THIS SUMMER'S CICADA SWARM.
STICK AROUND.
♪♪♪