Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video in this week's video
I want to talk about emotional manipulators and this is a great topic
I'm gonna give you five different ways that someone in your life could possibly be using these abusive tactics on you
So if you are not familiar with manipulation
if you don't know you're being manipulated this video is
definitely gonna educate you not just on the tactics that people will use
to gain control over you or to get what they want out of you by abusing you but really the things that you need to
start working on within yourself to
make sure that you don't deal with this type of abuse that you don't engage with this person and that you know when someone is
using this on you - like I said gain control over you are in to get what they want out of you now if you
Are new to my channel. Don't forget to hit subscribe. Don't forget to click on the notification bell
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So don't forget to stay tuned for that now, let's get right into this week's video
So it's so important to recognize when someone is manipulating
You not just because it's important to make sure that you don't get abused, but it's also important to know
okay, when have I been around someone that did use manipulation emotional manipulation on me and
Why did I allow this to happen?
so my biggest thing with my clients when I'm coaching them and even this channel the message of this channel is really to
Obviously understand and learn tactics that people will use to get what they want out of you
Right teach you and emotional abuse is to teach you what gaslighting is and things of that sort
but at the end of the day when you're put in
Situations when you meet new people or even the people that are currently in your life
You have to learn
What are the things that are going on inside of me that are causing me to allow this person to abuse me so it's not
just
About learning about what abuse looks like it's also going to be about what are the things that you need to do within yourself to?
make sure that you don't deal with this type of abuse that you don't put up with abuse that you don't engage with abuse and
That you learn how to really love yourself to protect yourself
So the number one tactic that an emotional manipulator will use on you is guilt and blame
Guilt blame and shame. That's what we're gonna call it. We're gonna mix it all into one guilt. Blame shame
So this is when you're gonna hear like well, you know, if you don't do this for me
Then I can't do this. I thought you cared about me
Why won't you do it for me? I would do it for you
Well, if you can't do this then I'll have no one else to help me
Well, I didn't get to do this because you didn't do this
So usually these phrases are said
after you've said note to someone so if you've said note to someone
Then you might get some of these phrases in return from them and you might start feeling the guilt
They might start using some shame. They might start blaming you as to why they can't do something
You basically always have to do something that you don't want to do
For this person. So this person will be happy
that's the only where they're gonna be happy is if
They get something out of you that you've already said that you don't want to do that. You can do that
You shouldn't do that. It's not good for you. If you do it, whatever it is you basically
Stated your boundary. Hey, the answer's no, you know, I can't do this for you
You might have given an explanation
You might have not most likely you gave a very detailed explanation
as to why you can't do something and I'll go into that a little bit later in the video how
There's no need to do that because anyone that really loves you anyone who is not a manipulator
Anyone who is not gonna use guilt on you and shame you and blame you for why?
They're not getting what they want out of the situation anyone that's healthy is not gonna do that
Anyone that respects you is not gonna do that. Anyone that loves you is not gonna do that. So when you say no
Even a healthy person they may not like the answer and that they may not have wanted to hurt here the no
but they're still gonna respect that the answer is no and they're gonna move on now someone who's an emotional manipulator is
absolutely not gonna do that because
You're dealing with a child. Essentially you're dealing with a
Childlike adult who never learned boundaries who never learned that the answer's no who is someone who is just relentless?
Someone who is very selfish and basically emotionally immature
So when you're dealing with this type of individual, you're always going to get backlash
You're always going to get these tactics thrown at you
but again
If you don't know that
if you don't know that this is the person that this person this is the behavior that you're always dealing with when you give this
person to know or you tell them that you can't do something if you're not aware of it and you're codependent and
You have insecurities and you have wounds and you don't know any of this kind of stuff
You're going to take on the guilt the shame and the blame because remember this person is basically
Codependent as well. So narcissus is codependent. They just get there
They just get filled up in a different way
so
Their happiness is really determined on who can give them the most in their life who can enable their behavior
Who can just give them whatever they want, whatever they wanted because you're dealing with a child again
Remember so their happiness is put on your lap and again if you're codependent
You want everyone to like you you want everyone to give you love?
You want everyone to think you're a great guy or a good girl or a nice person?
and so you're going to take their happiness and make it your
Problem and you're gonna do whatever you have to do to make sure that they're happy and that they're okay
They they get everything that they want. Also if you're coming from low self-esteem
You're not going to you're going to fear
Confrontation, so what you might say?
No initially
but when someone starts pushing back
You cave and you don't know how to firmly say the answer was no
You don't know how to you don't know how to be firm with
What you think how you feel and your boundaries?
and again
These are things that are all practices when you're when you've been a certain way for so long and you feared confrontation
Standing up to someone
It's a challenge. It's not something that's gonna be easy, but you have to remember in each situation you're being tested
So and just remember the people that have used you the most are gonna be your greatest teachers
because those are the people that are going to be relentless with you because this is something that you really
Need to learn and just look at an abuser as almost like a coach
so some this person is giving you all of this backlash and
abuse and hurt for to train you to keep rising up to stand up to yourself and
When you look at it, that way you may not take everything. So personally
you may understand why someone is the way they are and you might look at every opportunity that you get with an abuser as an
Opportunity for you to love yourself for you to stand up for yourself. And again, it's a practice
It's a practice every time learning how to rise to the occasion every time staying in that firm
The answer was no and you can get mad at me
You can have backlash
You can try to use all these taxes and tactics on me
But they're not going to work the next tactic that an emotional abuser will use is their pushy for an answer. So a
manipulator is someone who is
Relentless relentless with what they want again?
You're dealing with a child you're dealing with someone that never learned their parents never taught them that the answer was
No, they never learned boundaries growing up. And so they want what they want and they want it right now
And so if they ask you something they're not gonna give you time
To think about it to possibly look at your calendar and see if it works for them
They don't want you to think about it. Number one. They want an answer right now because they want what they want, right?
So they want to get an answer from you because all they're really looking for is to control you so they can have whatever it
Is that they want in the situation? So this is the person that will ask you a favor and when you say, okay
Well, let me just think about it
They might say well, you know, I kind of need an answer really quick and that's totally fine
If someone actually does say that because then maybe the answer is no, you know
If you can't respect that, I need a minute to check with my husband check with my wife
make sure
Look at my calendar
Whatever it is that you need to do to make sure that what they're asking of you works for you
Then the answer is no but you also could be dealing with someone that said hey, you know
I just asked you of this and I just wanted to kind of circle back around and it's been like a few hours
I just want to make sure yet. Can you do this and they're just pressing and pressing and pressing?
And again, if it's something that they really need an answer on, you know
They need a ride to the airport in an hour. Of course. They might need an answer back right away
but if you're dealing with someone that
You know is a taker right, you know is abusive. Then this is something that they're going to do
Constantly because again, they don't want you to think about what works best for you because what works best for you is really irrelevant
What they really want is whatever it is. They're looking to get out of the situation and they want it right now
So if you've ever dealt with a toddler a young child
- even a teenager
I mean there are certain points in the development of a human being that they are extremely selfish and it's all about them and
This is no different. This is just an adult. That's this is just a child that's living in an adult body
But really the you know mentality and the emotional intelligence of this person is very childlike
So remember, how do we get out of someone being relentless?
Well, if they can't wait and give you time to think about it
then the answer right away is no and if the answer is no and they keep being relentless with or
Using guilt or shame or anything like that on you staying firm in that? No if you want to give a brief explanation
As to why the answer's no you can do that as well
But I don't even think that that's necessary because again anyone that loves you anyone that respects you
Is going to respect that your answer was now they're not gonna need a detailed explanation
As to why you can't do something for them
The next thing that an abuser will absolutely do on you is they're going to play the victim
So now when you have said known this kind of goes
Hand in hand with like the guilt the blame the shame type of thing
But really what this does is
This is it's part of like the guilt but it really makes them feel better for the abuse that they give others
So if I'm an abuser and your answer's no, and I've used all of these tactics on you
Perhaps I've tried to guilt you or shame you or blame you as to why you know
I'm not getting what I want and why it's your fault. I'm sitting in that victim mentality and for an abuser
This is exactly the way it flows for them
You know first comes the guilt then comes the shame then comes the blame then comes the duh mentality where you're the bad guy
I'm the good guy. I do everything for you. You never do anything for me
And it just allows them to not take responsibility for the fact that whatever it is that they're looking to get out of this
Situation that's on them. It's not on you and has nothing to do with you now
usually this really comes into play when you have
Set the boundary when you have set the boundary you are beginning to enforce the boundary when you have you know
Stuck in that the answer was no and you're very firm with it. And you're not backing down. You're going to start getting this
backlash basically from this person
They are going to play the victim because they want you to feel bad for them
And again if you're codependent
If you're a people pleaser if you're maybe really empathetic and you're compassionate to what other people are going through
No matter what it is
If it's Jo needs a ride and you can't give it to him and he's gone through all of these tactics to see
Oh, okay. Well is guilt gonna work on her is shame gonna work on her. Okay. I'm blaming her now
Okay. Now I'm just gonna be the victim here and I'm gonna pretend like I always do everything for her
She never does anything for me and let's see if that works, right?
so these are all different layers of the abuse that a manipulator is gonna go through in order to see
Which one of these things is gonna allow me to control her and to get what I want out of her
So the next layer and this is perhaps if the victim mentality is not working
They will begin to start negotiating with you. So this is where they're gonna promise you the world
They're going to promise you the world. They're going to lie to see if they can get what they want out of you
This is where this person will start playing tit for tat
Now remember this person is an abuser
So an abuser studies their victims and their victims are really anyone that's in their life
So it's not like you're just this one person that they're targeting out to abuse. Now. They have many people in their life
enablers
Codependent people as well that they're just looking to get what they want out of them
And so they're gonna abuse them in certain ways to control and to get what they want. Right? So
This is just another tactic now an abuser. Like I said studies their victims so they know number one
What you need in your life what you need help with?
Where you're vulnerable?
Where you're a little may be weakened codependent, you know where your wounds are so they know
Okay. Well if I negotiate that if I give her this because I know she really wants this and she needs this then she'll give
Me this and they'll start this dance with you now
this is very much the case when you are working with someone who's narcissistic when you are co-parenting with someone who's
Narcissistic or perhaps even divorcing someone who's narcissistic or really? Just anyone who has this type of
Abusive behavior, but really in these types of situations
the negotiating the promising the world
This is where the line starts to happen because none of what they're going to say isn't gonna come to fruition
Because whatever they then promise you when the roles get flipped and you're like hey
I helped you with this and now I need help with this. You're going to be left dry high and dry
Okay
Nothing is going to happen from this person because they're gonna give you a reason or an excuse as to why they can't
Deliver what it is that they promised or if they start to deliver it
They're gonna take it right back because this is just the dance that these people will play. It's not about you
It's not about what you want in every situation. It's not about you know, say okay
Well, if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. It just does not work that way because this person is extremely
Selfish there is nothing
genuine about this person everything that they're saying in this in this phase during this tactic is all just a ploy to
abuse you to give you hope that they're a good person to give you hope that they're gonna help you out when when times get
tough, but really that's just not the case, so
it's tough sometimes depending on who the person is in your life to really accept this about this person because this person is so
Convincing that they're normal that they're healthy that they're caring that they care about you that they respect you when that's just really not
The reality of who this person actually is they have a personality
Order there is something that is going on inside of them that
forces them to use that allows them to use these tactics on people to abuse them now when all
Of these things fail and they still are not getting what they want out of you
This is where the real abuse starts to happen
and the reason why I said a lot of these especially the you know
Tit-for-tat type of thing goes hand-in-hand with someone that you either work with
definitely someone that you're co-parenting with or co-parenting with parallel parenting with even someone that you're possibly
Divorcing that could be abusive in this way. This is when the bullying starts happened happening
This is when the threatening starts happening. This is when the name-calling starts happening
This is where the real
abuse starts to take place because basically what you have done is you have upset a child and when a child a toddler
Gets upset what do they do? They throw a fit they cry?
Hysterically, they have a temper tantrum
They stomp their feet on the floor now an adult is not going to use those types of tactics
But they're gonna use other ones which is bullying name-calling
threatening things of that sort and you're gonna get this for a very long time and
I've coached a lot of people and I've been there myself
where I have someone in my life who is abusive that I have to deal with on in some way shape or form and
I'm now creating this new Stephanie and I'm setting boundaries and I'm responding to you. I'm not reacting. I am standing firm in my nose
And I'm not engaging with you any longer. I'm not giving you reasons why I can't do things
I accept that you might not like what I have to say
I'm accepting now that you're gonna start using these tactics on me and when the real
bullying starts happening
Especially if you have to deal with this person constantly it is
exhausting and I completely
Understand what anyone out there is going through especially if you have to co-parent with someone
especially if you have to divorce someone especially if you have to work with someone in some way even though I think that if you're
With someone who's this abusive?
You could definitely leave that job and you shouldn't leave that job
but there are situations where we can't escape these types of people and so
Really?
Practicing
Creating that bubble like I always say, right
practicing how to love yourself because when someone begins using this on you and threatening you and
bullying you and name-calling you this only so much a human being can take before they just
unexhausted right before it's starting to affect me and
But all of this that you're experiencing right all the backlash and it's painful. It's
Forcing you again to rise up to the occasion?
It's forcing you to be the person it's forcing you to work that emotional muscle
It's forcing you to strengthen that mental toughness and when you're dealing with this person
So, I hope that this video has helped you not only just give you some you know, the five tactics of an emotional abuser
But understand what are the things that you need to do when someone guilts you when someone shames you what's the internal dialog that?
That should be going on inside of you and really what it is is that you need to come first
you need to learn how to love yourself and the only way that you can really
Love yourself on yourself is by practicing this stuff is by in every moment when someone tries
Using these abusive tactics on you that you recognize. Oh my god. They're starting to manipulate me
They're starting to shame me and this is exactly what Stephanie said they were gonna do. Okay, I'm aware of it
Now I have to stay firm in my now. So thank you guys so much
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