WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY-- YOU CAN FEEL THE ENERGY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, JON?
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY, EVERYBODY.
THIS MORNING, ALL EYES WERE ON GOBBLER'S NOB, WHICH I CAN'T
BELIEVE I CAN SAY ON CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BAD NEWS IS,
WEATHER-PREDICTING RODENT PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL SAW HIS
SHADOW, WHICH MEANS SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.
NO, COME ON.
NOT SIX MORE WEEKS.
I'M READY FOR BEACH SEASON.
I'VE GOT MY SIX-PACK ALL READY UNDER HERE.
BUT BECAUSE OF PUNXATAWNEY, PHIL I CAN'T LEGALLY SHOW YOU.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON!
THING IS: NOT ALL GROUNDHOGS AGREE WITH PHIL'S FORECAST.
HERE IN NEW YORK, STATEN ISLAND CHUCK HAS PREDICTED AN EARLY
SPRING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE TRY.
NICE TRY.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME TO GO TO STATE ISLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
NOT GONNA DO IT.
SO, WHO DO WE BELIEVE, PHIL OR CHUCK?
APPARENTLY, NEITHER, BECAUSE GROUNDBREAKING ANALYSIS FROM
POLITICAL PROGNOSTICATORS fivethirtyeight.com SHOWS THAT
GROUNDHOGS DO NOT MAKE GOOD METEOROLOGISTS.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
REALLY?
HUH.
REALLY, 538?
YOU THINK GROUNDHOGS MAKE BAD PREDICTIONS?
HOW'D THEY DO ON THE 2016 ELECTION?
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING-- ACCORDING TO THIS
DEEP ANALYSIS, WHEN COMPARING PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL'S PREDICTIONS
TO HISTORICAL WEATHER DATA, HE'S ONLY RIGHT ABOUT A THIRD OF THE
TIME.
THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER RELY ON GROUNDHOGS FOR ADVICE.
NO MATTER HOW CONVINCING THEY ARE WHEN THEY PITCH YOU CRYPTO
WITH MATT DAMON.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, GROUNDHOGS MAY NOT BE THE
MOST RELIABLE.
AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE IT TO THEIR GIG, BECAUSE
OVER IN NEW JERSEY, ON THE EVE OF GROUNDHOG DAY, IT WAS
ANNOUNCED THAT RESIDENT WEATHER MARMOT, MILLTOWN MEL, HAD DIED--
ALTHOUGH, THE CAUSE OF DEATH HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED.
COULD IT BE...
MURDER?
OR PERHAPS BECAUSE GROUNDHOGS ONLY HAVE AN AVERAGE
LIFE EXPECTANCY OF THREE YEARS AND HE WAS SIX?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S A LONG ONE.
THAT'S A LONG SENTENCE TO BE-- LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE.
LET'S GO BACK OVER HERE.
IN A FACEBOOK POST ON SUNDAY, MILLTOWN MEL'S HANDLERS SAID:
"WE WRANGLERS ARE SAD TO REPORT THAT MILLTOWN MEL RECENTLY
CROSSED OVER THE RAINBOW BRIDGE."
BUT BECAUSE IT'S JERSEY, HE'S STILL STUCK IN RAINBOW TRAFFIC
( LAUGHTER ) HE SHOULD HAVE USED THE
RAINBOW TUNNEL.
C'MON, JERSEY, RAINBOW TUNNEL.
IT'S ALSO THE SECOND DAY OF BLACK HISTORY MONTH, AND ONE MAN
IS MAKING BLACK HISTORY BECAUSE THE N.F.L. IS BEING SUED
FOR RACIAL DISCRIMINATION BY FORMER DOLPHINS COACH, BRIAN
FLORES.
NOW, SURE, ALMOST 70% OF N.F.L.
PLAYERS ARE BLACK, AND THERE'S ONLY ONE BLACK HEAD COACH IN THE
ENTIRE LEAGUE, BUT THE N.F.L.
CAN'T BE RACIST.
THEY SPRAY-PAINTED A TINY "END RACISM" NEXT TO THE KANSAS
CITY CHIEF'S LOGO!
A LOT OF PUNDITS WERE SURPRISED WHEN FLORES GOT FIRED BY MIAMI
ON JANUARY 10, BECAUSE FLORES HAD RECORDED THE DOLPHINS' FIRST
BACK-TO-BACK WINNING SEASONS SINCE 2003.
BUT THE LAWSUIT EXPLAINS THAT BEHIND THE SCENES, FLORES
ACTUALLY CLASHED WITH DOLPHINS OWNER AND BUSINESS BASSET HOUND,
STEPHEN ROSS.
WHEN FLORES WAS HIRED IN 2019, THE DOLPHINS WERE BAD AND HOPING
TO GET THE NUMBER-ONE PICK IN THE DRAFT SO, ACCORDING TO THE
LAWSUIT, ROSS ATTEMPTED TO INCENTIVIZE FLORES TO PURPOSELY
LOSE GAMES BY ALLEGEDLY OFFERING HIM $100,000 FOR EVERY LOSS THAT
SEASON.
WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY.
THE JETS WILL LOSE FOR FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- THAT'S PROBONO.
THAT'S CALLED-- THAT'S TRUE?
TRUE STORY?
BUT, HOLD ON.
IT GETS BAD DIFFERENT, BECAUSE FLORES ALSO ALLEGES THAT AFTER
THE 2019 SEASON, ROSS PRESSURED HIM TO RECRUIT AN UNNAMED
PROMINENT QUARTERBACK ( COUGH )
TOM BRADY ( COUGH )
( CLEARS THROAT ) TOM BRADY.
I GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY THROAT, DOES ANYBODY HAVE ONE OF
THOSE-- ONE OF THOSE...
TOM BRADYS?
WHICH WOULD HAVE VIOLATED THE LEAGUE'S TAMPERING RULES.
SO FLORES REFUSED.
BUT THEN ROSS ALLEGEDLY INVITED FLORES TO HAVE LUNCH ON A YACHT
WHERE HE INFORMED HIM THAT THE QUARTERBACK WAS CONVENIENTLY
ARRIVING AT THE MARINA FOR AN IMPROMPTU MEETING.
YEAH, NOTHING SUSPICIOUS THERE.
THERE'S NO MORE INNOCENT PHRASE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAN "I
GOT SOMEBODY I WANT YOU TO MEET DOWN AT THE DOCKS."
( LAUGHTER ) SO, DESPITE HIS OVERALL RECORD
AND WINNING SEVEN OF HIS LAST EIGHT GAMES THIS SEASON,
FLORES WAS FIRED, APPARENTLY BECAUSE HE DID NOT GET ALONG AND
GO ALONG WITH THE OWNER.
BUT EIGHT OTHER TEAMS ALSO LOST THEIR COACHES, AND FLORES
GOT SEVERAL INTERVIEWS THIS OFFSEASON, INCLUDING ONE WITH
THE NEW YORK GIANTS.
NOW, IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE N.F.L. HAS
THIS THING FOR 20 YEARS CALLED "THE ROONEY RULE," WHICH
REQUIRES N.F.L. TEAMS TO INTERVIEW A DIVERSE RANGE OF
CANDIDATES FOR COACHING JOBS AND OTHER POSITIONS.
IT'S A GREAT IDEA.
IT GIVES EVERYBODY AN OPPORTUNITY, UNLESS YOU DON'T
GIVE ANYONE AN OPPORTUNITY, WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS
CASE, BECAUSE FLORES LEARNED THAT THE NEW YORK GIANTS HEAD
COACHING JOB HAD GONE TO SOMEONE ELSE, THREE DAYS BEFORE HE WAS
SCHEDULED TO INTERVIEW FOR THE POSITION.
SO HE'S SAYING THEY WASTED HIS TIME JUST TO CHECK A BOX TO
PRETEND THEY CARED ABOUT DIVERSITY.
THOUGH, I IMAGINE IT DID TAKE PRESSURE OFF THE JOB INTERVIEW:
"WHERE DO I SEE MYSELF IN FIVE YEARS?
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
SUING YOU?" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FLORES-- THAT WAS ONE OF THESE.
BUT, THERE YOU GO.
FLORES ACCIDENTALLY LEARNED THEY HAD ALREADY FILLED THE POSITION
FROM NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS HEAD COACH AND RECENTLY DECEASED
GROUNDHOG, BILL BELICHICK.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOKS GOOD.
HE LOOKS GOOD.
FLORES WORKED FOR BELICHICK FOR ALMOST 15 YEARS, BUT BELICHICK
ALSO EMPLOYED ANOTHER BRIAN, BUFFALO BILLS OFFENSIVE
COORDINATOR, BRIAN DABOLL.
DAY-BOL?
KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU READ THIS TEXT EXCHANGE.
BELICHICK STARTS OFF BY SAYING, "SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE
LANDED.
CONGRATS!!" TO WHICH FLORES RESPONDS,
"DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING I DIDN'T HEAR?"
"GIANTS?!?!?!?!?!" "I INTERVIEW ON THURSDAY.
I THINK I HAVE A SHOT AT IT."
"GOT IT.
I HEAR FROM BUFFALO AND NEW YORK GIANTS THAT YOU ARE THEIR GUY.
HOPE IT WORKS OUT IF YOU WANT IT TO!!"
"THAT'S DEFINITELY WHAT I WANT!
I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT, COACH.
THANK YOU.
COACH, ARE YOU TALKING TO BRIAN FLORES OR BRIAN DABOLL?
JUST MAKING SURE."
"SORRY-- I (BLEEP) THIS UP.
I DOUBLE CHECKED AND MISREAD THE TEXT.
I THINK THEY ARE NAMING DABOLL.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
B.B."
"THANKS BILL."
THAT'S THE STORY OF HOW BRIAN DABOLL GOT LISTED IN BILL
BELICHICK'S PHONE AS "WHITE BRIAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- LONG STORY.
IT'S A LONG STORY, BUT THAT'S THE STORY.
>> Jon: THAT'S THE STORY.
IT'S A LONG ONE.
>> Stephen: BUT FLORES IS STILL IN THE RUNNING FOR TWO OTHER
HEAD COACHING VACANCIES, WHICH IS WHAT MAKES THIS LAWSUIT EVEN
MORE IMPRESSIVE.
THE N.F.L., GENERALLY SPEAKING, IS NOT VERY FORGIVING TOWARDS
ANYONE WHO STANDS UP TO THEM.
OR KNEELS NEAR THEM.
SO FLORES, WHO'S ONLY 40 YEARS OLD, HAS PUT HIS FUTURE
LIVELIHOOD ON THE LINE HERE.
BUT HE'S DOING IT FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE, AS HE EXPLAINED
ON CNN: >> I UNDERSTAND THE RISKS.
LOOK, I LOVE COACHING FOOTBALL.
I'M CALLED TO COACH FOOTBALL.
I'M GIFTED TO COACH FOOTBALL, AND I STILL WANT TO COACH.
LET'S BE CLEAR ABOUT THAT.
BUT THIS IS BIGGER THAN COACHING.
THIS IS BIGGER THAN ME.
>> Stephen: THAT GUY IS INSPIRING.
HE SHOULD BE A COACH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: COME ON!
>> Stephen: IN OTHER FOOTBALL RACISM NEWS, A YEAR AND A HALF
AFTER DROPPING THEIR OFFENSIVE TEAM NAME, TODAY THE WASHINGTON
FOOTBALL TEAM REVEALED THEIR NEW NAME. DRUMROLL PLEASE.
( DRUMROLL ) IT'S THE WASHINGTON COMMANDERS.
THAT REALLY FEELS LIKE A WASTE OF A DRUMROLL.
I'M SORRY, JOE.
( LAUGHTER ) "COMMANDERS" MIGHT BE THE ONLY
NAE MORE GENERIC THAN "FOOTBALL TEAM."
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING FUN, AND NEW LIKE "THE WASHINGTON
BALLOONS" OR "THE FIGHTIN' DOLLY PARTONS."
"JOLENE" ON FOUR!
( AS QUARTERBACK ) "JOLENE JOLENE, JOLENE,
JO-LEEEENE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LATE HIT.
THAT WAS A LATE HIT.
BUT "COMMANDERS" IS STILL WAY BETTER THAN THE OLD NAME AND
LOGO, WHICH FOR SOME REASON, WERE STILL FEATURED REPEATEDLY
THROUGHOUT THEIR PROMO VIDEO FOR THE NEW NAME AND LOGO.
I'D LOVE TO SEE THESE GUYS OFFICIATE A WEDDING:
"DO YOU, SUSAN, TAKE ANTHONY TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?
BECAUSE HE'S BETTER THAN YOUR EX, RYAN, RIGHT?
REMEMBER RYAN?
UGH.
RYAN WAS THE WORST.
HIGH BROKE YOUR LITTLE HEART YOU LOVED HIM SO MUCH.
IS RYAN HERE?
RYAN?
COME ON DOWN.
WHAT?
HE'S MY PLUS ONE.
GROW UP.
RYAN, COME ON DOWN."
SPEAKING OF WORKPLACE INVESTIGATIONS,
CNN PRESIDENT AND EXECUTIVE HOT DOG, JEFF ZUCKER.
TODAY, ZUCKER RESIGNED AS THE PRESIDENT OF CNN, BECAUSE HE
FAILED TO DISCLOSE TO THE COMPANY A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP
WITH ANOTHER SENIOR EXECUTIVE AT CNN.
COME ON, ZUCKER YOU CAN'T KEEP THAT SECRET!
REMEMBER THE FIRST RULE OF JOURNALISM: THE MOMENT YOU
CONSUMMATE A RELATIONSHIP, YOU SHOUT "THIS JUST IN!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE TIM McGRAW AND MARTHA STEWART.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.