- [Announcer] Welcome to Totally True Documentary.
People are suspicious of tech monopolies stealing our data.
How do they do it? Who are they?
- Not true. - It is!
- They were named after his niece.
- [Announcer] Today, we meet
Facebook targeted ad specialist Marnie Baker.
- Hi, I'm Marnie Baker and I'm stealing your (beep) data.
- [Announcer] And we'll see if she can get
the last person on Earth that has never clicked
a targeted ad to finally click one.
- (scoffs) Scam.
- Basically, humans are stupid and they need handholding.
If it weren't for people like us,
they'd be sitting in old clothes eating trash
they bought out of a trash can with trash money.
I got the perfect team to take advantage of people.
I got a German.
- Hello, (speaks in German) Neil Kartoffel.
My job at Facebook is monitoring vitals.
Where are you looking? How does it affect you?
What is your post doing?
- A draggy.
- Hi, I'm Matt and I send the ads.
- And a little mama's boy wuss.
- Hi, my name is Jordan.
I work at the Facebook ad department
and my dad got me this job
because he wanted me to move out of the house.
I don't like stealing data or forcing ads onto people,
but I am weak-willed.
- So basically I found out that there were people
we weren't exploiting as much as we possibly could.
For example, lonely people.
Come on, Cassidy,
just give me a little something here, okay?
Just a little more, I wanna help you.
Just let us help you, god damn it.
(Cassidy sneezes)
Ah, oh! Oh my god, did you see that?
There it is! It's allergies!
It's histamines,
and oh, god
(beep) damn it, that's elementary!
Come on, Marnie, come on, Marnie.
Okay, okay,
she's always so damn sad and alone whenever we watch her.
Let's give her an ad for a dating app.
- Sending ad. (violently screams)
- Matthew is different.
I am not entirely sure,
but I do believe Matthew makes cummies in his pants
every time he sends an ad.
I don't know, I don't look, because I don't want to know,
but I think I know.
- Huh.
I guess I could get some of that good dick.
- Yes! Girl, get that good dick!
Get that good dick! - Get that good dick!
- Get that good dick! Yeah!
Couples that are currently suffering horrific breakups,
those are my favorite.
- No, there is absolutely no way you truly believe that.
- Babe, yes I do!
Okay, yeah, Kool-Aid Man has a size advantage,
but Chester Cheetah would out run him.
Chester Cheetah would win!
- It's over!
- No, it's not over, don't say that.
You know you don't mean that.
- That sucks for her, but breakups are good for us, people!
What can we show her? What can we show her?
- Oh, hair dye!
- Oh, hair dye! Why didn't I think of that?
Wow! Hey, Neil, have you ever been in love?
- No, I thought about- - Yeah, it (beep) shows
because a two-year long relationship
is not fixed by (beep) hair dye!
What else?
- Hair dye!
Oh no, no!
- What can we sell her?
Hmm?
Hmm, pretty face? What can we sell her?
- Men's wear! Passion Planner?
- That's a good brain.
That's a good (beep) noggin right there.
That's what I like to see. Be him!
- Sending ad. (intensely screams)
- When Marnie sees people like Ian from Smosh,
she sees weakness.
It kills her inside.
- Oh, Ian from Smosh.
Well, for disclosure, I was always a fan
of the other guy before he left.
What was his name? Box Man!
- Ooh, I just wanna manipulate him.
He's so damn stupid, but he still just won't, won't...
He refuses to click on the (beep) ad.
- Oh, man, these bloodstains just do not come off.
(Matt intensely screaming)
(cell phone rings)
No, thank you, cell phone ad.
I am completely happy with my methods.
The old water bucket.
- Come on, Ian,
just click on the ad for the washing machine.
- When Ian wouldn't click that ad, that room was tense.
- We think this is the day we're gonna finally get to him
and it just never happens.
It's always so devastating.
It's always equally as devastating.
I think this is probably what it was like
to fight in World War II.
- When I see Ian,
my insides burn.
So you see, Ian just doesn't understand
that I'm trying to help him.
I watch, listen and sometimes track his whereabouts
because I care.
- Guys, he's online (speaks in German).
- That means date in German!
- So, Mr. President,
how's your soup?
- It's moist.
- Damn it, Ian!
- Why wouldn't he click on the targeted ad
for the audiobook "How Not To Scare Away Women?"
- He's never gonna buy anything!
(all yelling and groaning)
- We were all broken in that moment,
but Marnie was a leader and she stood up to the plate.
We needed her.
- God damn it, look at the (beep) screen!
- What are you itching?
- Oh, well, I rubbed up against this pole the other day
and it started this patch of dryness
and now this patch is just kinda growing all over.
- Oh.
(siren blaring) (Matt intensely yelling)
- Cold Blue! He has a medical condition.
What do we do?
- We need to make sure he buys
an anti-itch ointment rush delivery, now!
- I sent him 30 ads! He's not clicking on them!
- Itches. Who wants to itch?
He just wants to itch forever!
He's never gonna buy the ointment!
He just wants to itch!
- Stop!
Marnie knows what to do.
When I finally got that breakthrough,
I just, I just had tiny little orgasms all over my baddie.
- [Crew] Did you see baddie or body?
- It's baddie.
I refer to my body as baddie because my body is a baddie.
- But WebMD says if it bleeds, that's a good thing.
So if I just scratch my entire body
once the itch gets all over
and I'm just one big bloody mess, I think it'll be better.
- Are you sure you don't wanna take care
of that nasty-ass rash?
- Whoa!
Dude, I just got an ad for itch cream. That's crazy.
Sometimes I feel like there's somebody
listening to me through my phone, isn't that crazy?
- [Cassie] Yeah, that's so crazy.
- I should probably get the cream.
- Get the cream. - Okay, I'll get the cream.
- Get the cream. - I'll get the cream.
- Please. - Okay.
(party horns blaring)
- We got to him finally!
- I finally got to you!
You piece of (beep)!
- Oh, I can breathe again!
- The celebration was crazy.
There was ribbons and there was...
Well, I thought it was gonna be champagne,
but it was actually just apple juice.
- I've never been happier in my entire life
than when Ian clicked that ad.
- I was not in the room when NASA first landed on the Moon,
but I'd like to imagine I know exactly how that felt.
- Okay, checking out, and...
Oh, shipping is $7.99?
(beep) that, I'll just itch.
- Yeah, (beep) that.
- He still clicked on the ad I guess.
(all cheering)
- Five years from now,
I hope that I'm working for Chef Boyardee.
- I don't see myself making it another five.
Smoking all the time.
- In five years, I hope to escape the Facebook headquarters.
- I really hope I can find a way
to start physically convincing people
to sell ads directly to humans.
I want to mind control other humans
to manipulate other humans and do my bidding.
(casual music)
- Sometimes when everyone's left the building
and it's just me, I like to go back and send one more ad
just for my own sake.
Just to feel human.
(intense music)