often isn't much time for the finer
nuances of psychology
in our day-to-day lives when we collide
with a problematic or annoying person
we tend simply to capture what annoys us
in a very general way
we call them neurotic or mad difficult
or
a head case it's understandable that we
should reach out like this for a
catch-all term
but there are better and worse words to
generalize with
the most effective comprehensive and
humane is also one of the simplest
immaturity if we wanted to sum up most
of what is askew
with ourselves and our fellow ailing and
troublesome humans
we could do worse than to define our
collective deficiencies
and insanity under the umbrella term
immature
it is out of immaturity that we rage and
slander
that we're meek and uncreative that we
grow suspicious and panicky
that we're insulted and offend and why
have we not
developed as we should if we wanted to
further generalize
we can point to two problematic dynamics
that operate in the background
of almost all our most regrettable
moments
one low self-worth two low trust
in others it is these two phenomena that
seem best able to explain why living
with ourselves and others
can prove at points so immeasurably
difficult
where there is low self-worth a litany
of troubles follow
among them an inability to take
criticism
an inability to disagree firmly but
calmly
with someone else a paranoid fear that
others
must hate us a sense that disaster and
punishment
must come our way an inability to show
our true selves
a sense that what we really think won't
appeal to anyone
from which follows a lack of creativity
and originality
and finally a defensive grandiosity and
arrogance
that masks our own fragile ego
and where there is low trust in others a
range of adjoining difficulties arises
an inability to trust those who want to
help us and give us feedback
an inability to teach others about what
we feel want and think
a fear that others are always primed to
attack and denigrate us
a sense that because others have let us
down they might do so again
which inspires conservatism lack of
trust and rigidity
unsurprisingly both of these dynamics
low self-worth
and low trust in others can be traced
back to flawed developments
in childhood it is a hugely unfortunate
vulnerability in our makeup
that we cannot possibly value ourselves
until we've been valued very deeply by
somebody else we learn to like who we
are
because someone way back first liked
who we were it was through their
enthusiasm
and resilient care for us that we
gradually grew able to internalize
a positive self-image and then acquired
the tools
to care for ourselves and others even
when the world beyond
was ambiguous or hostile the caregiver's
kindly supportive voice
became the way we learned to speak to
ourselves at moments of crisis
as a result of love we have the strength
to hear criticism
we can apply boundaries and push back
against unfair treatment
we don't await punishment or disaster we
can be ourselves in company
and our minds are creative and unafraid
of their depths
trust in others is similarly the gift of
a good childhood
the result of a positive relationship
with one or two people
in our formative years when we enter the
kitchen
not every time but enough times to form
a protective layer
over our ego this other person looked up
and lit
up we trusted them if there was
something that worried us
we knew they would listen and try to
help they would never humiliate or
attack us
they were on our side they might have
had a name for us little champion
button chops or sweet sheep at one point
in adolescence
we certainly didn't want that name used
anymore and it would be mortifying if
colleagues knew it today
but it remains a secret symbol of an
emotional bedrock
upon which all our later confidence was
able to emerge
in dark moments it can be tempting to
assume that if we've not had adequate
love in the early years
and have lacked experience of good
relationships we're done for
the truth is less dark we will face
great difficulties
a kind of tax on our whole lives exacted
by our childhoods
that other luckier people will never
have to pay
but we can follow three routes to
ameliorate our sorrows
firstly we need to understand the past
this is less obvious than it can sound
it takes a great deal of courage to
explore
at the necessary level of detail what
really happened to us
and why the mind's temptation is to flee
such uncomfortable material for easier
subjects
but real recovery requires a proper
engagement
with the humiliations and agonies of
yesteryear
secondly we need to be able to commune
around our wounds
with other people who've gone through
the same or similar things
we need to ensure that we're not going
to be alone with our pains
and that we can build connections with
fellow
sufferers thirdly a related point we
need to build
reparative relationships if we were not
properly loved then
we need to find people who can love us
properly now
which is not going to be an easy task
when because of our histories
we're liable to reject any appropriate
candidates who offer themselves
we need other people to help us to
lessen our suspicion of ourselves
and then to help us to see that the
world won't always reject
our ideas or try to mock us or have no
time
for our real selves people tend nowadays
to pride themselves on their capacity
for some hard work
there is no harder work than that just
outlined
it leads directly to no greater sums of
money and no higher status
but it is for all that in terms of its
effect on ourselves and those around us
possibly the most valuable work we're
ever
going to be able to do
you