- All I'm saying is
I think exercising in groups is disgusting,
(laughs) and you should never do it.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- This is the first year
that my new year's resolutions didn't include
doing sit ups and shit, and getting in shape,
first year that's ever happened, you know?
I figure, we about to die, so.
(audience laughs) Why would I do that?
Why, when I'm not doing, (mutters)
like, what if the bomb hits and you in a plank position?
How mad would you be?
How mad would you, I would be furious.
Like no, fuck that, I'm not doing it.
No, I'm not going out like no bitch, you know?
I wanna die with a bagel in my hand, you know what I mean?
(audience laughs) (applauds)
Fuck that. - So I played basketball
for cardio, alright, but not just with anybody.
Every Tuesday, I'd meet a specific group of friends
at the park because we all suck,
and nobody wants to get hurt.
(audience laughs)
It's a kind game.
I never talk trash, but I giggle a lot.
Yeah, 'cause my mind wants to do all these things
that my body does not execute.
When I get the ball, my mind's like, okay,
we're gonna do a crossover, we're gonna do a spin move,
and we're gonna finish with a very graceful finger roll.
And my body's like, actually,
we're gonna pass this ball out of bounds.
(audience laughs)
Turn over, giggle time. (audience laughs)
It's a public space.
I can't control if other people wanna shoot hoops,
but I can tell if I don't wanna
play with somebody right away.
Like one red flag is if they look fit.
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Oh, you healthy, huh?"
"Okay, that's good man, that's good for you."
"I bet you've got skills."
But that's not what this is about.
No man, me and my friends, everybody,
we all here because we got diseases.
High blood pressure, high cholesterol,
diabetes, fatty liver, we're not here to play games,
we here to delay death.
(audience laughs)
You can come back with a doctor's note.
- Zoom in, this is me flexing as hard as I possibly--
(everyone laughing)
Yo, I thought I was killin' it with tricep,
there's no tricep.
All right, zoom back out, look, I look the same, right?
This is my best friend, Will Maroski, okay?
This is what Will Maroski looks like now.
Glow up! (audience laughing)
Yo, Will Maroski is built like a Greek god.
Pecs, abs, bulge, I cannot stop thinking about Will Maroski.
(audience laughs)
Dude, sometimes when it's late at night,
I'll be in bed-- (audience laughs)
And I will pull out my phone,
and I will slowly-- (audience laughs)
Scroll
through Will's profile, and Vena will wake up,
and she'll be like, "Are you looking at--"
(audience laughing)
"OnlyFans?" (audience laughing)
And I'm like, "No, it's, (inhales) only Will."
(audience laughs)
"I'm really happy for him." (audience laughs)
But this is so depressing,
but it's still not as depressing
as that goddamn photo of Kumail Nanjiani.
(audience cheers) Fuck this photo.
Don't clap, don't you dare clap at this photo.
This is a personal attack, no, this is a personal attack!
When he dropped this photo,
he low key tagged every brown dude in this room.
Do you understand?
He tagged all of us, he's like, "Hey, what's up man?
"I'm Kumail." (audience laughs)
"What's up, man, I'm from Karachi."
"What are you doing with your life?"
I'm like, "Fuck you, Kumail!"
How dare you show white people what we could look like.
- Whenever I tell people I wanna lose weight, they're like,
"You should go to the gym."
I'm like, "I know." (audience laughs)
For sure. (laughs)
But whenever I go to the gym,
and I see people with abs, it's like,
why are you still here? (audience laughs)
You did it.
Like, get a hobby, for once.
I don't know, I just,
I know working out is good for mental health.
I do suffer from depression, or as I like to call it,
crying because outside smells like the past.
I love nostalgia, it hurts and feels bad.
(audience laughs)
But when I go the gym,
I just cannot connect with those people.
If you're someone who uses and cleans a blender everyday,
it's like, what's really goin' on?
(audience laughs)
What's going on?
- That's what I do now, by the way, I hike.
That's my thing now, I hike.
Hiking is not my exercise, it's my activity.
Because hiking is not exercise,
hiking is the segue between the actual exercise
you did in your 20s and 30s
and then the gentle mall walking
that you're gonna do-- (audience laughs)
in your 70s and 80s
so that you'll fit into the tuxedo at the funeral home.
'Cause you don't want them
splitting the back of the jacket open,
that's embarrassing, come on, die with some dignity.
So what I do everyday, I park my car (laughs)
at the base of a hiking trail.
Then I walk away from my car
until I eventually turn around and walk back to my car.
- I started riding my bike along a lakefront path
and there was always a guy at the entrance.
I don't know if he had a home, who's to know?
He was always there, okay?
And about three months in to my workout regime,
he wanted to let me know that he noticed.
So he yelled out to me, "How fit are you gonna get?"
(audience laughs)
And I said, "I think I'm done.
"I just found the love of my life."
(audience laughs)
Which is basically all a relationship is,
it's like, is it safe to eat again?
(laughs) Okay. (audience laughs)
You're mine. (audience giggling)
I do, I hate to put it on men,
but you're not the best at noticing
what's different about a woman, you know,
whether it's, like, a haircut or losing 50 pounds.
(audience laughs)
And I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in a while
and he was trying to figure out what was different about me.
You know, giving me the old side-eye,
and then what he came up with was,
"Man, your tits got small."
(audience laughs)
And I said, "Thank you." (giggles)
Thanks for noticing the least positive aspect
of my weight loss. (audience laughs)
You see weight loss ads where there's like a man
who has very large pants in front of him,
you never see one where a woman has a big bra
and she's like, "It doesn't fit."
(audience laughs)
- I do zero working out.
Not even, I mean, it's not like, you're like, "Whoa, wow."
Like, it's, it's like, "Yeah, we figured that."
(audience laughs)
Every hotel I go to, I ask if they have a gym.
I don't even have clothes that I could work out in.
There's no way, I'm like, "Is it 24 hours?
"I was gonna start tonight at midnight,
"so I was wondering if that's."
What I've learned, what's easier than working out
is just tell people that you used to weigh 300 pounds.
That's a lot-- (audience laughing)
They don't know, you know?
So, I've never weighed 300 pounds,
but I look pretty amazing for a guy
that used to weigh 300 pounds. (audience laughs)
You're like, "Yeah, I got tired of being tired, all right?
"You know? (audience laughs)
"Today's my cheat day, obviously,
but normally I'm pretty strict."
- I took a spin class.
I just wanted to go for the exercise part,
but then they were doing all this
inspirational yelling in the class.
I don't care for that.
I don't like that idea with exercise now, of like,
"We're all in this together!"
It's like, "No we're not, Kelsey!"
We are not in this together.
If I showed up at your house, you'd call the police.
That's what would happen.
But people get really into it, and I'm just like, (grunts)
I don't like collective enthusiasm.
I've never cared for that.
Then they make you say things to the person next to you.
She goes, "Everybody, I want you to look at the cyclist
on your right, give her a high five
and say, 'get it, girl!'"
I'm like, that's one of the worst things
I've ever been asked to do.
- Do you ever see people on a treadmill?
They run fast and hard,
like the whole gym could hear them run.
It's like, (mimicking running footsteps)
Like a sock is gonna fly off at any minute.
(audience laughs)
Then they pull this one, he just rested on the side
and let the thing. (audience laughing)
Just do what we are doing.
Don't do some weird workout that you saw.
(audience laughing)
Then he, I've never seen this before,
he had like a water backpack.
(audience laughs)
Like that you would see in the desert.
He had a backpack filled with water
and then a tube that he could just sip.
(audience laughing)
Then he dropped it down, then he pulled this one,
he turned towards me, now he starts side skipping.
(audience laughing) Oh my God.
I cannot run on a treadmill
with another grown man looking right at me,
doing side skips. (audience laughs)
I came home, I told my wife this story.
She don't get it, she don't understand.
She's like, "Why do you look at everybody?"
"Just do you."
"Why do you look at the whole gym?"
I go, "Cause that's what makes me happy."
"I like to be bothered." (audience laughs)
- I go to the gym a lot, that's a good way to relax.
I lift weights.
It's hard to tell, I'm wearing long sleeves, but um--
(audience laughing) I like lifting weights,
my favorite part about lifting weights
is that break in between sets
where you kinda check your phone
and go home for a couple weeks.
I'm enjoying that quite a bit.
(audience laughs) (applauds)
I gotta be back there in a few days.
I've got some more reps to crank out.
I'm taking a breather, but-- (audience chuckling)
I don't like my gym that much,
my gym is all like body builders,
which no offense if you're a body builder.
I'm scanning the crowd, I feel like I'm safe
to talk about body builders here.
I don't like the term body builder,
I feel like it's too exclusive.
Technically, we're all body builders,
just some of us are building shittier bodies
than other people, you know what I mean?
- 6:00 a.m., I come to the gym,
you got a guy in there, my height, my build.
Got my headgear, my cod piece, my mouth piece,
puts it all on me, starts putting Vasoline
all on my face and all on my headgear.
I said, "What's this for?"
He said, "So the punches slide off."
(audience laughs)
Well we never talked, okay, well we didn't discuss that,
but alright.
Okay, alright, if that's what it's gonna do,
then that's what it's gonna do.
He gets done putting Vasoline on my face,
he walks out of the ring, I said, "Wait,
you didn't do him yet."
He say, "He's okay, he don't need it."
(audience laughs)
Huh, all right.
This is weird, okay, whatever.
I'ma go with the flow.
He said, "Guys, we're gonna do three, three minute rounds."
"Nobody's here to hurt anybody, let's have a good time."
"Keep it loose."
He yells out, "Take it easy on him!"
I assume he's talking to me, gotta be talking to me.
I yell back, "Gotcha, coach!"
Put a confident laugh behind it. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
We get to our corners, the bell rings, ding,
I come out, I just want him to see that I can fight.
People can tell I can fuckin' fight
by the way I hold my shoulders.
We got movin', hm, my feet are spaced apart.
Look at my fuckin' foot moving,
look how I'm fuckin' moving, bitch.
This ain't gonna be no cake walk, mmhmm, yeah.
You see it.
He flat footed, oh.
He not even on the balls of his foot.
I'ma woop his ass.
I'm getting more confidence as I move around.
My coach says, "Kevin, stop playing, let your hands go."
All right, ask and you shall receive.
I hope he got the weather channel
'cause there's about to be some lightning.
We throw a jab, you take a step.
Take a step, let the jab go at the same time, turn it over.
Wop, every time, wop, wop, that's how you throw it.
I take my step, I'm about to turn it over, I'm right here.
Here it is, 'bout to turn that bitch over.
You'd better brace yourself, here it come.
Oh, it's coming, right here, I'm right here,
but I'm about to get here.
Here I am, but I'm about to fuckin' get right there.
You'd better brace yourself, I'm right here.
Before I did that, (mic knocks head)
(audience laughs) he hit me.
(laughs) I immediately lost my vision, immediately.
I went blind immediately.
Couldn't see shit, everything was fuckin' black.
Ah!
Ahhh!
I read that you can get brain damage
or you can die from a punch.
I just lost my fuckin' vision.
I don't have eyesight no more.
I can't see.
I panicked, I turned around,
I've been known to do this move several times,
I start punching backwards.
I've talked about it in my past specials,
I'm a backwards puncher, when I panic,
I fuckin' start punching.
My trainer said, "Kevin, throw the jab, throw the jab!"
I said, "For what?"
"Liar."
It ain't lightening unless he's a storm tracker, okay,
because this is fuckin' ridiculous.
I'm blind, I can't see shit!
(screams playfully) I'm blind!
Ring the bell, ring the fuckin' bell!
The bell rings, I can't even get to the corner,
I gotta follow his voice to the corner.
(screams playfully) As I get to the corner,
my trainer, (laughs) he's like, "What's wrong?"
I said, "I'm blind, man, I can't fuckin' see!"
He just lift my headgear up, (chuckles)
apparently, when he hit me,
he knocked my headgear over my eyes.
It was black, so I was just looking at the back of it
the whole time. (audience laughing)
He was like, "Why didn't you lift it up?"
I said, "'Cause we never went over that in practice."
"I didn't know how to do that."
"I think you put too much Vasoline on me,
that's why I was sliding all over the place,"
"sliding all over the fuckin' place, man,"
"I don't wanna do this no more."
He said, "You just gonna quit?"
I said, "I don't call it quitting,
I just wanna do something else."
He said, "What do you wanna tell him?"
I said, "I'm never talkin' to him again in my fuckin' life."
"My lawyer is gonna talk to him,
"he's going to jail, I bet you that,
he's going to fuckin' jail after this."
(cheerful upbeat music)