-♪ Everyone changes ♪ -♪ Everyone changes ♪
-♪ At different paces ♪ -♪ At different paces ♪
♪ But at 27, make sure You've changed a bit ♪
Well, it completely depends on whether she can still go part-time.
-Yeah. -If she can--
-I'd love to see her. -You must.
-Hey. -Oh, God. Here we go.
-Happy birthday! How are you? -Hello. Yeah.
-Oh, my goodness me.
So… do you want us to shout "stag" at you today, Freddy?
I think just Fred at the normal volume will be fine. Yeah.
Sorry, is it okay that I'm genuinely just really enjoying quietly looking around
at loads of old friends and thinking about how much I like them?
-Yeah. -Is that a... Is that a good stag?
-Perfect. I mean, lovely pub, lovely, well-dressed boys.
I think I know everyone here except...
-Who is your best man, is it Kieran? -Kieran, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, lovely lad. He... He got me through uni actually.
He's a bit worried about getting the best man stuff right,
-but he's one-- -Right, perform a perfect horseshoe now.
Come on, you reprobates. Perfect horseshoe, now.
Make sure it's tight so it traps the sound.
Right. Hello, you fucking cocks.
Ooh.
-Okay, I want all ears focused exclusively on my ass… listening to me, okay? Right.
First red card. If I see a single one of you
without a drop of booze in your hand throughout the day,
you're seeing off a Guinness straight away, and that's the end of the fucking story.
Okay?
Kiero…
For those of you who haven't met him yet, this is my best man, Kieran…
-Hodgedale.
-Kieran Hodgedale, thank you for arranging this.
-Yes. -Right, yeah.
Thank you, Fred, you fucking cock.
Oh. Hey.
That's the last time you’re gonna be thanking me today, trust me.
This is gonna be the worst day of this little dickhead's whole life.
Why?
Maybe because what I have planned is complete carnage. Come on, man.
And speaking of men, let me remind you, that, yes, we are men,
and if I catch a single one of you not thinking about women's breasts
throughout the day, at any point,
if I spot that, you're seeing off a Guinness straight away.
There'll be no pause. It'll just be in your mouth and down your gullet.
Straight away. I don't fucking care.
-Are you... Are you all right, mate? Is everything okay?
-Yeah. You all right? How's your buttons?
-Woah. Watch out. -Just please let me.
-What are you doing? What are you doing? -Give me one second.
Did you see that?
He was going for a three-buttoned thing, and I undid the top one.
-All right. Good stuff.
-It looks good undone, mate. -Really?
- Nice one. I'll keep it then. -Yeah.
It's not stag to compliment your mate's clothes, is it?
If something feels like it has the quality of a stag, don't shut it down,
-just let it breathe. -Okay, that's cool.
Just, let's calm it down a little bit.
-Ooh! Classic Fred. "I don't want someone screaming at my mates on my stag do."
"I want to have a nice time."
-Well, no. So, I'm not saying that. -But why are you not saying that, though?
Come on, Kieran, why don't you just tell everyone what you've got planned today,
-for the big day. -Fuck off!
-What is he doing? -What is this?
-Mate. -What do you want?
I haven't heard a single one of them at any point through all of this going…
That was the whole point of the speech!
What's happening? Fred, what's happening to him?
Is he like… Is he drunk or something?
-No, he doesn't drink.
Just talk amongst yourselves.
Hey, you okay, man?
I was just thinking, you know,
everyone here thinks you are, like, absolutely brilliant.
-Fuck off, you bastard.
I'm just ripping shit up and chilling for a minute.
-Your mates are dickheads. -Hey, come on... Come on, you prick.
Come and tell them what plans you've got for the day.
Why weren't you swearing when we were over there?
I can swear if you want me to swear.
Please, can everyone just swear a bit more?
Right, this prick is gonna... This prick is gonna tell us what the plans are for the day,
so let's hear him out, shall we?
-Yeah, guys? -Okay.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Okay, right. So, first up, I hope you all like pork
because we're gonna be kicking off the day by all having a lovely pork pie, yeah?
Sounds nice, yeah? Well, it's not gonna be, 'cause, oh, dear,
whoever picks out the smallest pork pie is seeing off a Guinness,
and then they have to shit themselves in their trousers.
What?
"Have to… have to shit themselves"?
Cool, and then… and then what's after that?
Your reaction's so horrible, man!
No, we love it! We love it, don't we? Yeah. Everyone's up for it, yeah.
In fact, guys, shall we get the pies?
-Yeah. -Yeah? All right.
-Let's do the pies first? -Okay.
So, I'm gonna stand in the middle with a bag,
-and you take… -Okay, guys, take out a pork pie each,
and whoever's got the smallest pie at the end has to…
-Yeah… has to do a poo. -Yeah, and then see off a Guinness.
-Yeah, and then see off a Guinness. -All right.
Here's mine.
-Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Kieran.
About what?
I love this stuff!
Right, I'm gonna lay one down.
Now? You're gonna do it now?
-I need someone to grip. Can I grip your shoulder?
-Yeah. -Nah, man.
Make sure your friends are looking at me.
I feel like they're just turning away.
Guys, watch this if you can.
-Fred? -He's almost done.
-Yeah. -Done?
Small bit. You nutters.
-Give him a Guinness and then-- -Yep.
-Yeah, can someone cheer or something? -Yes!
-Well done. Well done, well done, well done. -Thank you.
-Really well done. -So, part two.
This is my first ever Guinness.
Yay. Cheers, everyone.
I can't believe what that tastes like.
Have you had one of these?