- No, I wasn't talking about your hair.
I was just saying in general that I...
Dad, I'm gonna have to call you back.
("Oh Yeah" by Yello)
Hello there. ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- God damn, you look good.
What's your name? ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- The quiet type.
I can work with that.
Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are?
- [Poster] Literally all the time.
Look, bitch, I have no interest in talking to you.
I am merely here to advertise my services.
- What kind of services?
- [Poster] Oh my God, shut up.
I am here to tell people that my gorgeous, glossy print
is now available to be purchased at pictureofhotdog.com.
- Is that even a real website?
- [Poster] Yes, you idiot, you made it.
- Yeah, I did.
- [Poster] And don't worry, I also come naked.
- Holy Shit!
Hey guys, good news, the movies are back.
After a year and a half of exclusively watching TV shows
I've already seen, we're finally able
to go to the theater again.
Bad news, although the movies out right now are terrible.
Whether it's an "Escape Room" sequel
or a "G.I. Joe" prequel,
the one thing all these movies have in common
is that most people wouldn't be watching them
if they weren't just excited to leave the house.
But no film has gotten more attention and criticism
in the past couple of weeks than "Space Jam 2."
To be fair, a lot of people enjoyed this movie.
There's a pretty wide gap
between what audiences liked about it
and what critics hated about it.
I've seen a lot of people chiming in to say
how much of a disgrace this movie was,
how much it tainted the purity of the Space Jam brand.
And I'm here to tell you that the first movie was also bad.
Don't get me wrong, I still liked it.
Hell, I kind of like this one, too,
but these aren't good films.
This isn't the sequel to like "The Shawshank Redemption."
Man, the first movie is a classic.
Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins
gave the performances of their careers
in this groundbreaking Oscar-nominated film.
But then the second one
was just a bunch of cartoons playing basketball.
I'm not too thrilled about the direction
this franchise is headed in.
I made that one up, but it's really not that different
from some of the actual IMDB reviews.
"Space Jam 2" just shoves a bunch of references
and brand names down our throats.
They only made this movie to shill merchandise
as opposed to the first "Space Jam"
which was a high-brow cinematic achievement
that wasn't only created to sell toys
from which it made over $6 billion.
I think that's perfectly valid criticism,
and I will be criticizing both of these movies,
but for all intents and purposes,
"Space Jam 1" and two are exactly the same.
The only thing that's changed
is our age while watching them.
The first one was great
'cause we saw it as dumb-ass little kids.
And the second one is trash
because now we're watching it as jaded adults.
Now we have mature eyeballs and big smart brains
that recognize things like product placement
and lazy writing and bad pacing.
If this movie was 30 minutes shorter,
I think it would have been a lot more palatable.
But in the last half of "Space Jam 2"
there are way too many emotional turning points
where the action screeches to a halt
so someone can give a long, dramatic monologue.
- Do you understand how much I love you?
Do you understand how important you are to me?
How very special you are?
- Wow, that's a really moving speech, LeBron,
but I am gonna have to call a shot clock violation.
You've been holding the ball for four minutes.
I've seen a lot of people criticizing LeBron's acting skills
or lack thereof, but you know who else was not a good actor?
Michael Jordan. - What's going on here?
- Which by the way is fine.
They're professional athletes.
They didn't go to theater school.
In fact, I'd actually argue
that as far as basketball players go,
they did much better than expected.
- Who'd have thought. - About what?
- That a young buck like you
could actually do the right thing
and avoid getting his sorry butt-
- I had a teammate help me.
- Another thing both these movies have in common
is how darkly violent they can be at times
like when Granny murdered Damian Lillard
by aging him to death, that's honestly kind of fucked up.
And also, the premise for the new M. Night Shyamalan movies.
- This idea is just straight up bad.
- Also spoiler alert, at the end of this movie,
Bugs Bunny sacrifices his own life to save LeBron.
- That's all folks.
(sympathetic music) - Did he just die?
Did Bugs Bunny just die?
I would say, what was probably most confusing
about "Space Jam 2" is trying to figure
out who exactly this movie is for.
First and foremost, obviously it's for kids,
but kids don't really care about the Looney Tunes anymore,
or "Game of Thrones" or "The Matrix"
or King Kong or basketball really.
But the script is mostly way too dumb
for an adult watching by themselves to laugh at
so it does feel pretty messy and all over the place
and overly referential,
which could be viewed cynically as a marketing strategy,
but more than anything else, I just have to respect
how much cringe they've managed to pack into one movie.
- Style point. (hip-hop music)
- [Drew] This rap battle in particular
might just be one of the worst things I've ever seen.
♪ Porky Pig, they call me P Double, LG stepped to me ♪
♪ He don't want no trouble ♪
- Yeah.
♪ This pig is lit, I'm super legit ♪
- Yeah.
- And somehow it contributed to the score
of the basketball game.
That's not in the rules.
- He was spitting hot fire. - Yeah.
- Overall, "Space Jam 2" is a mildly enjoyable film
to either watch or make fun of.
I wish it wasn't 115 minutes long,
but the animation is actually really solid,
and I could picture a six-year-old
having a good time watching it,
which really is the only bar this movie needed to cross.
But since so many people seem to be up in arms
about how this movie came and took up a big old dump
all over the pristine legacy of "Space Jam 1"
I thought, why don't we actually go back
and watch that one too and see what all the fuss is about.
♪ Come on and slam ♪
- The movie gets off to a very rocky start
by opening with "I Believe I Can Fly,"
which was written and performed by hip hop artist
turned criminal, R. Kelly.
♪ Door ♪
- [Drew] Then a very ambitious young Michael Jordan
tells his dad all the things he's gonna do one day.
- I wanna play at North Carolina.
Then I wanna play in the NBA.
And once I've done all that- - Uh-huh.
- I wanna play basketball with the Looney Tunes.
What? - But I think I'ma go
and play professional baseball.
- Ah, man.
So while Michael's having this press conference
down on Earth, there's something evil cooking up in space,
specifically on Moron Mountain which is an alien theme park.
(alien screaming excitedly)
- Let's get outta here, Dad, this stinks.
- I don't know, that looked pretty fun to me.
- Don't bring me here anymore, all right?
Don't bring me here anymore, all right.
- Are you listening?
We need new attractions!
- You may actually recognize this guy.
Not only is he of course the main villain in this movie,
but he also went on to have a pretty successful
acting career as the Mucinex snot monster so good for him.
While he's trying to figure out what they should do,
there's this great scene where his big, beautiful butt
sits on a remote control.
- Get the Looney Tunes. - Looney Tunes!
- Bring 'em here!
- So just to recap, the premise of this classic film
is that a well-dressed booger
needs to kidnap the Looney tunes so they could liven up
his dilapidated amusement park, obviously.
Back on Earth, Michael is playing baseball now
and everyone around him is acting extremely weird.
- He looks good in that uniform.
- It's great, can't teach that.
- Can't teach it.
- Yeah, you can't teach looking sexy as hell
in a pair of pants, that, that has to come naturally.
I gotta say that's kind of a theme throughout.
Overall, this is a much hornier movie
than I remember it being.
For one, every single character
is basically drooling all over Lola,
who is a rabbit with boobs. (romantic instrumental music)
- Yes.
- After one interaction, Bugs's entire body goes stiff,
which I think is supposed to be the PG version
of getting a boner.
- Jeez! (body clanking on floor)
- It's kinda subtle, but I get that reference.
There's actually a lot of adult jokes
they manage to sneak in here.
- You shine his basketball, would you find yourself-
- [Man] Yeah.
- Unable to perform?
- [Man] Yeah, yeah.
- Just one last question and then I'll get you out of here.
Does your dick still work?
- You guys are nuts. - Have a ball.
- But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The little alien bitches go and find Bugs Bunny
and tell him to round up all his friends
so they can steal them.
- All of you are now our prisoners!
(characters laughing)
(laser fire zaps) (dramatic instrumental music)
- But the smooth-talking Bugs
manages to negotiate some terms.
- You've got to give us a chance to defend ourselves.
- So what will they do?
- Small arms, short legs.
- Not very fast.
- Tiny little guys.
- Can't jump high.
- [All] Ah.
- We should step on them.
What do you mean?
With our feet.
That's a pretty good idea.
- We challenge you to a basketball game.
- [Alien] All right.
- All right, well, not the way
I would have done it, but whatever.
- Boy oh boy. - All right.
What is basketball? - What's that?
- Oh, this is gonna be a cakewalk.
Not only are the aliens six inches tall,
but they don't even know how to play.
This should be an easy win for the Tunes
assuming the aliens don't go and steal the athletic ability
from five different prominent NBA players
by turning into slime and going up their noses.
(slime swishing) (dramatic instrumental music)
Shit! (dramatic instrumental music)
Fuck!
(whistle tweets) (basketball smacks player)
I like how this whole ordeal gets interpreted
by the humans as if there's like a disease going around
that's making all the best basketball players
forget how to play basketball
and also do most basic human functions.
Michael sees all this happening on TV
and I love his attitude about it.
- Looks like I retired just in time.
- Not my problem.
You see, he doesn't have time for sports anymore.
He's too busy playing baseball and golf
like in this really weird scene with Bill Murray.
(club smacks golf ball)
- Great shot.
- Ooh, nice shot, Mr. Murray. (claps)
- [Man] Not bad.
- [Drew] Unfortunately, during the game
while '90s buffoon actor Wayne Knight
is taking a picture of him,
Michael gets sucked down a golf hole.
- Not bad.
- I wish I could take credit for the wording of that line,
but I can't because that was how they verbatim
described the incident in the movie.
- Michael Jordan being sucked down a golf hole.
- And I love that.
So that's how the Looney Tunes kidnapped Michael Jordan
so he could save them from getting kidnapped by the aliens
who had probably already been kidnapped by the Mucinex guy.
I forgot how weird this scene is.
Their training facility is dirty
so everyone's spits on it until it's clean.
- Spit shine! - Spit shine!
(characters spitting) (goofy instrumental music)
(bones crunching)
(man screaming)
- Nice footwork, can you believe it?
- Yeah, this is way better than the sequel.
Meanwhile, all the B-ball stars who can't ball no more
are feeling kind of sad.
Charles Barkley is walking all somber
down the neighborhood court
while weirdly sexual music plays.
- [Man] Undeniable passion, a love for someone somewhere.
- You're Charles Barkley!
- Hey, can I play? - Sure!
♪ Baby ♪
You're not Charles Barkley. ♪ Sing it out ♪
- You're some wannabe who looks like him.
- Get out of here tall guy
who just looks like Charles Barkley.
(dramatic instrumental music)
- Unfortunately the Tunes aren't doing much better.
- Has anyone here ever played basketball?
- Maybe that's why they all get so turned on
- You gonna make me act up.
- A couple minutes into the big game
and apparently it's already the second quarter.
But it's becoming very clear that the old man
and the silly cartoons are no match
for the super mutant monster team.
And they're not just losing,
they're literally getting murdered out there.
(monster shouts) (fire roars)
- Yow!
- I always try hard.
My mom says, try your best in everything you do. (groans)
- And you know what?
You could've done that to them when they were tiny,
but no one listens to me.
Also, I like how Yosemite Sam
is just running around out there with a gun.
Come on, you gonna use that thing or what?
At this point you could make
a pretty good argument for self-defense.
At halftime, they may be down big but they're not out
'cause they all take turns drinking
some of Michael's secret stuff, which is just tap water,
but it gives them the confidence they need
to play their best and also use explosives
and motor vehicles and oh, there's some guns.
Best of all, Stan finally gets to see some game action
which leads us to one of the ugliest scenes
ever made in a movie.
- [Man] You got it.
(monster roars) (crowd shouting)
- [All] Ooh.
(dramatic instrumental music)
(farts exploding)
- Ew. - What, is he farting now?
- Oh my.
- See, this is what was missing from "Space Jam 2."
This is what makes the first one such a classic.
Well, we've gotten to the end of the game,
or more specifically- - 10 seconds to go.
- And the Tunes squad just needs to steal the ball
and score one basket before time runs out.
This right here has got to be the least realistic part
of the movie because if this was a real basketball game,
they would have to foul them, send them to the line,
call a time out, try to hit a three to tie it,
probably miss, foul them again, send them to the line,
hope that they missed free throws this time
and ultimately lose by five.
And that is what makes playoff basketball so exciting.
Luckily, they don't have to do any of that
because Bill Murray showed up to save the day.
- I'm open! (monster growls)
Never mind.
- Oh man, he's not gonna make it unless
he stretches his arm out really far
and drops it in just in time.
♪ I believe I can fly ♪
- Oh, we're playing this song again.
♪ Fly like an eagle ♪
- And this one, cool.
They really got their money's worth with the soundtrack.
So since the Tunes won the game and the giant snot monster
got banished back to SeaWorld
or whatever the name of his theme park was,
there's only one thing left to do.
- Guys, we suck.
- They have to get their talent back from the aliens.
The talent that Michael put inside a ball.
So now they have to touch the ball.
- [Players] Ooh.
- Look at this. - Oh, what is that thing?
I'm not touching that.
- Touch it.
- No way, Jose. - It's Michael.
- You don't have any other choice, just touch it.
Touch the ball, touch it.
- You know what?
On second thought, maybe don't touch it.
He's being kind of weird about it.
- Touch it, stop it.
- And that fellas, is "Space Jam,"
A beloved classic from our childhood
that should probably stay there.
Could "Space Jam 2" have been better than it was?
Yes, it definitely could have.
But was it that much worse than the original?
- If I weren't real, could I do this?
(Bugs smooches) (dramatic music)
- Not really, but I will say in defense of the naysayers
is that "Space Jam 1" seems like a dumb movie
that accidentally became a massive cash cow.
Whereas "Space Jam 2" is a dumb movie
that was genetically engineered to be a massive cash cow.
So it does feel a little different in that way.
But at the end of the day, these are kids' movies.
We're writing novels on INDB about a movie
that is made for eight year olds.
What are we doing guys?
There's gotta be better ways to spend our time,
like maybe talking about my hot dog?
Hi, I'm a basketball superstar and I'm also founder
and CEO of pictureofhotdog.com
the world's most technologically advanced website.
It's been almost two years since I unleashed my wiener
onto the world, and I think it's time
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High-resolution prints of the hotdog signed by the hotdog.
You can buy one for yourself or your dad
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Thank you so much for watching this video.
If you liked it, it is for sale.
So please comment down below your best offer,
but keep in mind, I do not accept cash.
I'll be back next week for another heated rant,
this time about "Space Jam 3,"
which is already out in theaters.
For CBS News, this is Drew Gooden
wishing each and every one of you a happy Easter.