Hey.
What's up?
It's Clayton Olson.
And in this video, we're going to talk about the 13 Signs that Your Relationship Is Doomed.
Now don't be too scared by the title.
The point of this video is not to inflict panic or anxiety into your perhaps fragile
relationship right now.
It's designed to give you a wake-up call it's designed to point out 13 different mile markers
to pay attention to that if you are experiencing one or several of these in your connection
with someone right now, it's a sign to enter into a honest conversation, to be more transparent,
and to dialogue about what the two of you can do to bring things back on track.
So I came up with these 13 signs after doing about 7 years of relationship coaching.
I've been working with people going through breakups and divorces and I've also been working
with single people that are getting into relationships and then experiencing problems.
So I'm gonna give you some of the patterns that I see that have come out over the last
7 years of working with hundreds of individuals.
Some of them are going to be obvious.
Some of them might be a little bit more subtle.
And I'm gonna rip through them pretty quickly.
So if you notice that you're connecting with any of these, I want you to click on the link
below this video.
It's called the Eight Secrets to Create A Rock-Solid Relationship.
You can get that right off my website right now and it's just a way for you to have a
clear NorthStar or direction to take your connection with your partner so that you guys
can get back on track and start to avoid some of these pitfalls that I’ll name.
Alright.
So let's go ahead and get started with the first one.
Number one is your relationship lacks affection and communication.
So what this means is that perhaps the way that the two of you talk with each other right
now.
There's no heart in the dialogue.
It's rather more transactional.
it's a sign that your partner's not really showing up or that you're not really showing
up and the two of you are more in a transaction rather than in a connection or relationship
and it's something to pay attention to.
Number two is you have no sex life or your sex life has been severely limited for an
extended period of time.
There's going to be seasons with all of these that I bring up where sometimes some of these
will creep into your relationship.
And the difficult part about them where they become a real issue is if you stay stuck in
this for an extended period of time.
So if you're noticing that there's an absence of sex, there's an absence of intimacy physical
into see in your relationship, it doesn't necessarily have to be directly related to
sex, but if there's just an absence of physical touch, of flirting, of connecting with each
other on a physical level whether it's kissing, touching being with each other in that way,
that's also a problem and it's something to address.
The next one is number three.
If you feel like your relationship is tearing your self-esteem down.
If you're noticing yourself being less confident than you were in the beginning of the relationship,
you're questioning yourself more, you're starting to see the worst in yourself come out rather
than the best of yourself come out, it's a clear sign to pause for a moment and begin
to have a conversation with your partner.
And possibly get some help from an outside source so you can determine what's happening.
Most likely you've been compromising yourself in some way in the relationship that is causing
you to either lose respect for yourself or lose sight of your desire and what it is that
you really want.
The next one number four is you guys are noticing that you have no time for each other.
Now I know that couples can get incredibly busy and things happen.
People can have kids.
There can be job promotions that require more responsibility but if you're noticing that
you're not spending quality time with each other.
Quality time as I would define it as actual time when the two of you are shutting off
your phones.
It's not just watching movies but you're actually sitting down and connecting with each other,
looking in each other's eyes, being present with each other, if that is starting to diminish
then the two of you are headed in a direction that might not suit the longevity of the relationship.
Number five is you're noticing that your social circle is dwindling and you're losing friendships.
This is a clear sign that something is happening within the relationship that is having you
perhaps put all of your connection needs on one person, or it could be that maybe there's
a lack of acceptance of your friendships with your partner.
It's really important that this gets addressed because in any relationship to expect one
person to fulfill all of our social and connection needs, puts an incredible amount of pressure
on the relationship.
And being able to have those outside relationships is incredibly important for us to be able
to ground ourselves with friends that love us and to be able to then enter into the relationship
from a place of choice, rather than feeling stuck or obligated.
Number six you're not playing together so rather than being in say that child self that
can come out and that often comes out in relationship where you feel safe, where you can play and
enjoy and have time together, you're finding yourself being in your adult ego state way
too often.
So this can lead to a transactional relationship.
This can lead to the relationship feeling like a lot of pressure.
The relationship turns into something where it's not life-giving anymore, when you are
stuck in your adult ego state, when you're constantly feeling like you're having to adult
rather than be a kid every now and then with your partner.
The flirtation, the intimacy, the connecting on a heart level gets severely dampened so
you'll want to pay attention to that and find places where you can play and I know this
can be very difficult if you've got kids and you've got other responsibilities.
It might force you to be in these adult stages and it just means to have more attention to
bringing that childlike self-back into the connection so the two of you can connect that
way.
The next one is a big one number seven is your keeping score.
I see this take down relationships like no other.
If you are keeping score in the relationship, what that means is you are tallying up the
things that you're doing for your partner and creating this subtle game of putting them
in debt or feeling like you're in debt by your partner.
There is a lack of generosity.
There is someone or both of you perhaps have lost sight of the relationship as being a
platform for both of you to bring your best selves in your generosity to the connection.
And you're now again moving into this kind of transactional connection which ultimately
leads to resentment.
It leads to bitterness and it turns the dynamic into a power play rather than one that's built
on love.
Number eight you're spending your energy feeling like you're treading water in the relationship.
So does your relationship feel like it's taking so much energy for you to maintain it?
Does it feel like you're out in the middle of the ocean with a person and you're treading
but you know that you just can't keep this up anymore?
So what I'm talking about is a specific internal feeling that you might have, one where the
relationship feels exhausting on some level rather than life-giving.
If that's the case, it might be a combination of a number of things that we've just read
or that I will read that are leading to this feeling.
So this is just another angle to tackle that, what is the feeling, what is the experience
of the relationship like if it feels like you're treading water that's something to
pay attention to and probably get some outside help, or begin to have a conversation or an
honest conversation with your partner about what's happening without putting blame on
them but rather owning your experience, talking about what you're feeling as your experience
and not saying that it's their fault.
Number nine you always fight about the same problems and they don't get solved.
A really wise woman once told me when she asked me about my relationship, she said you
know does it feel like you're in a washing machine, right?
So does it feel like everything is just going over and over and over again.
And perhaps you're fighting about certain issues that come up and you think that you
come to some conclusion, you think that you come to some type of evolution, but it goes
right back maybe a week, maybe a couple months right that kind of the same thing.
And what you thought you built in terms of a solution it just collapses back into the
same old problem again.
If that's the case that is incredibly demoralizing for both people and it's a sign that you probably
need a professional to step in and for you guys to both talk with somebody about this,
and be able to loosen it up so you can come to an elevated solution that will stop you
from falling back into the same patterns.
Number 10 this is a big one.
You are or you are being stonewalled by your partner.
Now stonewalling can, in some cases, can be seen as a form of abuse if it is happening
as a power-play or a way to manipulate the person.
It is incredibly damaging in a relationship.
It essentially is the antithesis.
It is the almost the anti-relationship to break connection with somebody and to purposefully
leave them alone in the connection.
And when I say leave them alone what I mean is to abandon them in a way where they have
to deal with themselves and the communication is shut down and you're not allowing that
to occur.
It is such a difficult situation to be in it and lead to devastating breakups.
It can also lead to an incredible amount of resentment.
And if you or your partner are stonewalling each other, it's important to stop.
It's important to bring that to the surface and have a conversation about it because the
relationship is not gonna last.
Alright.
Number 11, I'm going through these pretty quickly here.
The support has dwindled.
So similar to the stonewalling, what you're feeling in some ways is that your partner
is no longer supporting you or you're noticing that you're not supporting your partner in
their pursuits.
The way that I would like to talk about this is each of you are individuals in the relationship
with perhaps your own pursuits, and there's a certain dance that occurs in a relationship
one where you are noticing your own polarity of independence.
And then there's also the other polarity of being in the connection relationally.
And if your partner is not supporting you and perhaps being there on your team, helping
you actualize yourself to become a better person, or you're not offering that support
to them, this is a quick recipe for growing in different directions.
And actually it opens the door for them looking for support elsewhere… which leads me to
my next point.
Number 12 someone has a wandering heart, whether it's you or them.
It's not just a physical connection which is absolutely a form of betrayal if you have
a monogamous agreement set up.
But if there is a wandering emotional heart in the relationship looking for that type
of intimacy, that type of support outside the relationship behind someone's back, that's
a clear sign that there's a breakdown happening in the connection that needs to be addressed.
And it doesn't necessarily mean the two of you're going to break up, but it needs to
be addressed in a way where we can start to see you know what is it that you're getting
from that person that you're not getting from your partner that perhaps you need from your
partner and to get into connection and talk about that.
And then lastly sign the 13th sign that your relationship may be doomed is that one of
you won't get help.
If you need it this could be around an addiction.
This could be that one person wants to go to couples therapy, wants to work on themselves
the other person doesn't think that they need it, or the other person doesn't want to, or
the other person thinks that the relationship is just fine the way that it is in some compromised
state and the other person is feeling like, “Okay.
We need to inject some energy into this.”
So the relationship becomes lopsided because one person has a growth mindset towards the
relationship and the other person thinks things are fine the way they are or thinks that it's
just going to be too much effort to try to fix things, or get things to a place where
it's more healthy, that is a clear sign to watch out for.
And it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back because if there is a difference in values
around that with a relationship it may be time to have a conversation around whether
or not both of you are actually compatible and whether you really want to be in this.
So those are the thirteen signs that your relationship may be doomed, if you resonated
with any of those it does not mean that your relationship is doomed, even if you resonated
with a number of them, what it means is to be able to come back into conversation with
your partner, being truthful, being honest, being transparent, in a way where you are
fighting for the relationship on the same team rather than tossing blame over the fence.
I've got a guy called the Eight Secrets To Create A Rock-Solid Relationship that I would
love to invite you to.
You can click on the link below this video.
You can get it delivered right to your inbox.
And if you are a woman watching this video and you are finding anything that I'm talking
about intriguing and you're wanting to take your relational IQ, you're wanting to take
your ability to be vulnerable to be powerful, to be open, to be ready for a high quality
partner for the right guy, I've got a webinar called the Three Keys To Attract And Keep
A High Quality Man that dives deep into the psychological aspect of what it actually takes
to create a space for the right person to come into your life.
And that webinar is 90 minutes of some of the best content I put out there with my fellow
friend and coach Jack Butler.
Click on the link below this video.
It'll be in the comments as well and take care.