- [Narrator] Are you ready to get traumatized?
Well I've got just the thing for you,
a Mexican telenovela
by the name of Rubi.
(enchanting music)
Rubi has more gross horny people,
more car crashes,
more people falling off bridges,
and more suffering abuelitas
than anything you'll ever see.
And if you're wondering why so many
terrible things happen in this telenovela,
well the answer
is that telenovelas
are hell.
(water splashing)
(Spanish folk music)
(whooshing)
Rubi is story of a girl who is extremely fine,
but also extremely...
an evil piece of shit.
Rubi only cares one thing in life,
money
and penis,
so she'll do whatever it takes
to marry the richest dick in the land.
Rubi is dating Alejandro,
a medical student with a chest so hairy,
it looks like he has a chinchilla
hanging from his neck.
Rubi thinks Alejandro is wealthy,
until one day he buys her a house
that doesn't have a swimming pool.
So she breaks up with him
for not being rich enough,
and starts looking for a new man.
(smacking)
She could choose from thousands of guys,
but being the snake that she is,
she decides to screw over her best friend,
a kind girl with a disability that causes her
to drag her leg and constantly fall.
(water splashing)
Rubi seduces her fiance, Hector,
by trying on sexy outfits for him at the mall,
which we know is a guaranteed way
to a man's heart.
Hector and his six-pack are really
conflicted about what to do,
but because this is a telenovella,
he does the most horrible thing
you could do to any human.
He stands up his bride at the altar
and runs away with Rubi.
While Rubi's friend drags herself
around her room in complete misery,
the happy couple gets married by a man
that looks like a Latin Uncle Fester,
and they have sex pretty much
everywhere.
Meanwhile, Rubi's ex hears about the marriage
and gets so sweaty and mad that
he breaks a glass with his bare hands.
Rubi finally gets the house with
the swimming pool she so wanted,
and things seem to be going great for her,
which is the perfect time
for the telenovella gods
to take a huge crap on everyone.
Out of nowhere, Rubi's husband's back starts to hurt,
and he can't go to parties with her,
which is obviously unacceptable,
so she goes crazy.
To add to her rage,
Rubi finds out that her ex-boyfriend
is now a super rich doctor
and is engaged
to someone hot.
(people gasping)
So she does what any normal person would do,
physically attacks his new fiance
and causes her to fall through
a glass bridge
and die. (Thudding)
Alejandro is devastated about the death
of his bride-to-be
for all of five seconds.
But then he cheers up
by having sex with Rubi
and getting her pregnant.
Rubi's still-husband Hector,
finds out that she's pregnant
with another man's baby.
He could simple divorce her,
but of course that wouldn't be rotten enough,
so he pulls a gun on her and locks her
in her bedroom like a prisoner,
which sucks
'cause there's no swimming pool in there.
To add to the chaos,
Rubi's mom hears about all the drama,
has a stroke,
and dies.
Oh, and Alejandro gets poisoned.
But let's get back to the real drama.
Rubi runs away from her psycho husband,
gets run over by a car,
and loses the baby.
And, of course, her husband one-ups her
by crashing his car
and dying.
Okay, now shit is really bad for Rubi.
She has no husband,
no baby,
and no money because she's lost it all
in the stock market.
She attempts to get her
hot doctor ex back,
except, get this,
he's engaged to marry her
friend with the bad leg.
She begs him to get back together with her,
and he's like,
hell no, bitch,
you're crazy.
Now she's really pissed.
And while in a rage,
she falls off the 20th floor,
and crashes through glass.
The fall doesn't kill her,
that would be too happy.
She wakes up in a hospital room
with an amputated leg
and a deformed face.
Dressed in rags like a crazy witch,
Rubi forever disappears into a cave
to live out the rest of her shitty existence,
while Alejandro and his lovely bride
get married.
And everyone lives happily ever after.
Just kidding.
That doesn't happen in televovellas.
20 years pass and a decrepit Rubi
convinces her niece,
who is also played by Rubi,
to seduce Alejandro and ruin his life.
The end.