hey everyone Geoffrey here and in this
video I'm going to show you the four
reasons why your relationship is falling
apart and what you can do to fix it or
to avoid it and if you want to empower
yourself with the skills and the
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so we all know that things like a lack
of communication or having too many
arguments having the lack of intimacy or
having conflicting goals can really
drive you apart can really make your
relationship fall apart but in this
video I'm gonna go one step deeper than
that and I'm going to show you the root
causes the four root causes of why
relationships fall apart and what you
can do to stop it the first mistake that
people make is blaming issues with their
partner or whatever it is to issues of
character instead of environments or
situation so whenever your partner does
something bad that's whether they get
angry whether they get impatient they
get lazy whatever it is the first thing
we say is something like oh you're so
angry you have some anger issues that's
who you are you're just lazy why are you
so lazy
so we instantly blame their character
when something goes wrong but once you
blame character you are setting off this
really really bad cycle for one you know
when you blame your problems on
character it makes you feel overwhelmed
because character is really hard to
change if you're convinced that your
partner's anger issue is because of
character or they're just very
narcissistic if you're assigning all
those things to character then it
overwhelms you because you're gonna
think wow that character is just so hard
to change now I have to live with this
person because that's just how my
husband is that's just how my wife is
and you cannot foresee any time in the
future any time soon where the character
will change because you are signing it
to character and the second reason why
this is really bad is it really
perpetuates a very very bad cycle so
imagine right now if your partner says
to you that you're stupid
that you're lazy do you have all these
things wrong with your character what
happens instantly your guard goes up
your defenses go up and usually if
you're doing this to your partner as
well whenever you blame their character
then you're also gonna get their guards
way up and what happens then they get
very defensive and they tend to
perpetuate the blame on you too so you
might say hey can you please stop being
so lazy can you please stop being so
angry and they say well you're lazy -
you're angry - and it perpetuates this
blame game that just never ends
so what can you do instead well what I
tell my clients is they should always
blame systems blame environments blame
situations not people and so the
questions you should always be asking is
what is causing my partner to be angry
what is causing my partner to be
emotionally unavailable there's
something there
whether it's something in the
relationship or something external to a
relationship maybe is their childhood
whatever it is something is causing them
to be that way and once you do this two
very interesting thing happens number
one is that it calms you down big time
so to give you an analogy that is easy
for you to understand here imagine
you're driving a car and you see this
driver in front of you just weaving
through traffic going at 110 miles an
hour and going really fast and it's just
driving like a dick you can think two
things here the first thing you can
think is you can think about how much of
an asshole he is so you can think about
how bad of a character he has so in that
situation you are assigning that asshole
driving to an issue with character or
you can think about hmm
I wonder what is going wrong that he's
in such a rush and so in that point in
time you are assigning the reckless
driving to an issue of situation to an
issue of circumstance now take these two
responses which one will make you more
calm
I bet the second one will make you more
a lot more calm so the first benefit to
assigning issues with a relationship to
an issue of a situation and environment
is that it calms you down and the second
benefit is it really externalized this
the issue so it's no longer something
very personal and when you externalize
something you can let your guards down
and you can stay calm and this can often
lead to a lot of understanding a lot of
compassion and usually much better
solutions so how this works in real life
is that usually when my partner is
really angry for example I'm not gonna
say hey you need to control your anger
issues you have some anger issues I'm
gonna say why are you so angry what's
making you so angry tell me more and
once that happens her guard goes down
and we can start investigating the issue
and usually when we come to the root we
find some solutions and so that's how
the healthy couples do it and that's how
you should do it as well the second
mistake people make is
victimization and what is victimization
this is when you're playing victim
basically you are basically the victim
of something that is outside your
control it could be your partner it
could be bad luck but basically you're
saying my relationship is this way
because of my partner because of
something that is outside my control so
you give yourself all these excuses of
why you're in the situation today and
what I always say to people in this
situation is that Lane people blame
people because when you blame people
blame outside things for your problems
or how unhappy you are or how bad your
relationships today it makes you feel
good because the blame is not on you but
the thing is every single time you blame
something outside your control like this
you are giving away your power you're
saying to yourself that you don't have
the power to fix it because how can you
have the power to fix it when it's not
really your fault you know it's the
government's fault if your partner's
fault it's like Lady Luck's fault it's
not your fault so it's not your fault
then you can't do anything about it
you know just imagine for example that
you're playing pool and you're not
making any of your shots you're doing
really badly and you say look at that
table
it's just slanted in this like ever so
slightly and that's why I can't make
shots or maybe it's the light the light
is way too bright in just blinding me I
can't see the ball I can't see the table
and that's why I'm missing my shots now
imagine if that's your attitude to
playing pool are you ever gonna do well
are you ever gonna stick solutions are
you ever gonna improve yourself to adapt
and to actually do better under that
circumstance no because you're too busy
blaming things outside your control and
the same thing in relationships if you
keep blaming things outside your control
you're never gonna take control you're
never gonna seek solutions because why
would you it's not even your fault and
what the good couples do is they take
control
they take personal responsibility so
they humble themselves they really get
off their high horse and you always ask
the question what can I do better how
does this apply to me how can I do
better not what can my partner do better
what should my partner do better so a
lot of people for example when they get
advice about relationships so for
example I give you the advice of you
know a good relationship is two people
who can create safety for each other
safety to express anything like that but
if you're victimizing yourself the first
thing you're gonna think is not
does this apply to me but you're gonna
think how can my partner
give me more safety so it's a completely
different paradigm of thinking here and
usually when you have your thinking in
this way when you take responsibility in
this way you will actually find some
solutions and you will actually start to
empower yourself to start fixing your
relationship and turning things around
but as long as you're victimizing
yourself you're never gonna find any
solutions but you're going to be stuck
in this cycle of blame and just whoa is
me kind of attitude so leave a comment
below when you think about your
relationship
what are you blaming that it's outside
of your control maybe you're blaming
your partner's anger issues maybe you're
blaming some bad luck or whatever it is
you know what are you blaming for the
state of your relationship right now and
what can you do to start taking
responsibility start taking control and
what questions should we be asking
yourself so leave a comment below
we'd love to hear your thoughts and the
third reason why relationships fall
apart is that they're not able to break
that cycle of issues so for most couples
this is how they work so whenever their
partner is angry they respond by getting
angry and whenever their partner is
disrespectful they get disrespectful as
well whenever their partner becomes
difficult and stubborn and defensive
they also get stubborn difficult and
defensive but understand that in your
relationships there's a cycle that's
going on between the two of you
regardless of what your pointer does you
have the option to either perpetuate
that cycle or break that cycle and if
you just choose to react badly then all
you're doing is just perpetuating a
cycle and just making things worse
you're causing more pent up shit to form
and so just by you not being able to
break the cycle you can really create
more negative cycles and intensify the
issues in your relationship to the point
where it gets really hopeless so what do
good couples do well good couples they
see themselves as leaders and they see
that relationships not as made up of
individuals competing for attention
competing for happiness whatever but
they're one unit so to understand this
one imagine right now that you have a
company and you have your business
partner is working for you and they're
really really struggling and they're
really struggling to do a good job
they're really struggling to understand
the concepts what do you do well if
you're a good leader what you're gonna
do is you're gonna just set aside your
own ego you're gonna set aside the fact
that hey you might have to be the one
that actually
some work here to get your partner up to
speed because it's all for the sake of
this company for this one unit well in
good relationships couples think the
same way too you know in bad couples
what they think about is well why do I
have to be respectful why do we have to
be calm
why do I have to initiate sex when a
product doesn't want to initiate sex and
so this attitude is preventing them from
really breaking that cycle there but in
good relationships they see themselves
as leaders and they see the whole
relationship as a unit so they want to
break the cycle because they think that
if I break the cycle if I stay calm when
they're angry if I stay patient when
they're disrespectful they're choosing
to break the cycle because they
understand that the easier they make it
for their partner the easier to make it
for themselves as well and what's funny
too is that when you think like this
when you think like this you'll be
geared towards finding solutions and
usually you will break that cycle so you
will break that anger issue you will
break the cycle of disrespect you will
break the cycle of the lack of intimacy
eventually but as long as you have the
bad mindset of perpetuating the cycle
over and over again then you are never
gonna turn your relationship around and
that's why your relationship or your
marriage is falling apart because you
can never break the cycle and you can
never break the cycle because you're
having the wrong attitude and point
number four here this one is very very
important is forcing things to happen so
for example their partner doesn't want
to be open anymore they would want to be
transparent anymore
their partner is very disrespectful
their partner doesn't want to have sex
what a lot of people do is they force
those things to happen so they force
their partner can you please be more
transparent just tell me to spit it out
can you show me more respect can you
please show me more respect and you must
admire me you are my wife you are my
husband you have to admire me or they
say you know what we have intense sex in
a month we need to have sex now sex is
very important we need to figure out a
way to have sex but what people don't
understand here is that love is a very
emotional thing and when you force
someone to do something like this you
may logically get them to do something
but you can never emotionally get them
to do something so what happens is they
logically get it they logically want to
do it you know they logically maybe try
to have more sex with you or they
logically try to respect you more and so
on but because their heart is not in it
it can never last long
and so they're using all this willpower
to do it and so in a week in two weeks
time they stop doing it and when they
stop doing it it makes you usually very
mad very hopeless then you force your
partner even more and the cycle
perpetuates even more you know a good
example of this will is respect so
imagine you have a colleague or your
friend and they come to you and they get
really mad and say you must respect me
you must admire me with them doing that
actually make you admire them and
respect them more or less you know
logically you'll get it logically you'll
get it that they want you to respect
them and admire them more but
emotionally it will actually make you
respect them less well when you force
your partner to have more sex with you
to admire you more to be more
transparent you're giving them the same
effect and what you need to do instead
is not force their partner to do
something but actually create the right
environment where it's easy for them to
be transparent the right environment for
them where it's easy for them to admire
you and the relationship and the right
environment to where it's easy for them
to want sex to organically and naturally
want sex so you never want to force
anything you want to let everything grow
naturally now if you want to learn the
skills to understand how to grow these
feelings naturally then you want to get
access to my four day training series in
this four day training series will tell
you the five most important factors in
your relationship and how you can build
it from the ground up naturally and
slowly so you never have to force
yourself or your partner to do anything
in the relationship but things will just
come a lot more naturally so if you want
access to that four day training series
then click the link in the description
box below this video and you can get
access to that and if you want a space
where you can ask your questions about
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having some other issues then you also
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question and get good advice on it and
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the link is also below this video and
leave a comment below when you watch
this video what other questions do you
have is there something that I didn't
address in this video so leave a comment
below we'd love to hear your thoughts
and in the meantime always remember that
you have the power to transform your
relationship by yourself so never
underestimate your own power
but at the meantime thanks for watching
and I'll see you in the next video
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