>> STEPHEN: WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
HAPPY PRESIDENT'S DAY.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOUR DAY OFF.
JON, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR DAY OFF?
>> Jon: YES, YES.
>> Stephen: I ENJOYED MY DAY OFF, TOO.
YEP.
WE DIDN'T WORK AT ALL.
JUST MAKING ALL THIS STUFF UP RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: YEP, IT'S A DREAM.
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS AFTERNOON, A LOT OF PEOPLE SPENT
THEIR DAY OFF AT "NOT MY PRESIDENT" RALLIES.
TO WHICH I JUST WANT TO SAY, SORRY, BUT, YEAH, 'YOUR'
PRESIDENT.
DEAL WITH IT.
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS NOT MORE
PRESIDENT THAN DONALD TRUMP.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN EXACTLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF.
SO NO MARCHING OFF TO YOUR FANTASY WORLD.
DON'T LEAVE US ALONE WITH THIS GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT?
STAY HERE!
ENOUGH WITH THE SIGNS, LIKE "TINKLE TINKLE LITTLE CZAR,
PUTIN PUT YOU WHERE YOU ARE."
THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) I TAKE IT ALL BACK.
THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH.
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOUR
PRESIDENT'S BEEN DOING.
FRIDAY, HE WENT AFTER THE MEDIA WITH A BOLD ACCUSATION, "THE
FAKE NEWS MEDIA -- FAILING @NYTIMES, @NBCNEWS, @ABC, @CBS,
@CNN-- IS NOT MY ENEMY, IT IS THE ENEMY OF THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE!" ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL BAD FOR?
I.S.I.S.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THEY TRY SO HARD.
SORRY, ISIS, IF YOU WANT TO GET ON THE LIST, PUBLISH PHOTOS OF
TRUMP'S INAUGURATION CROWD.
THEN HE'LL BE REALLY ANGRY AT YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SO SAD.
YEAH.
WELL, CALLING THE PRESS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE ISN'T
SITTING WELL WITH SENATOR JOHN MCCAIN.
>> IF YOU WANT TO PRESERVE DEMOCRACY AS WE KNOW IT, YOU
HAVE TO HAVE A FREE AND MANY TIMES ADVERSARIAL PRESS.
AND WITHOUT IT, I AM AFRAID THAT WE WOULD LOSE SO MUCH OF OUR
INDIVIDUAL LIBERTIES OVER TIME.
THAT'S HOW DICTATORS GET STARTED.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NOW, JUST TO BE CLEAR.
HE'S NOT SAYING TRUMP'S A DICTATOR.
HE'S SAYING GETTING RID OF THE PRESS IS HOW DICTATORS GET
"STARTED."
SO MCCAIN ISN'T CALLING TRUMP A FULL DICTATOR.
HE'S MORE OF A BITE-SIZED, A DICTATOR-TOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I COULD GO FOR SOME.
CRUNCHY?
>> Jon: OH, MAN...
>> Stephen: YOU MAY REMEMBER, LAST WEEK, NATIONAL SECURITY
ADVISOR MICHAEL FLYNN STEPPED DOWN
BECAUSE HE DEFINITELY DID NOT BREAK THE LAWS.
YOU KNOW, HOW YOU'RE FIRED FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, EVER SINCE, TRUMP HAS BEEN
SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE TO REPLACE HIM.
GIVEN HOW MUCH CABLE NEWS TRUMP WATCHES, MY MONEY WAS ON
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER "TRAVELOCITY GNOME."
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A WHILE, TRUMP WAS COURTING
RETIRED VICE ADMIRAL BOB HARWARD, WHO TURNED THE OFFER
DOWN BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO FRIENDS, HARWARD THOUGHT THAT
THE CHAOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE MADE THE OFFER A REAL "( BLEEP )
SANDWICH".
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, TRUMP TOWER SERVES A
MEAN ( BLEEP ) SANDWICH.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE TACO
BOWL, THOUGH IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE, IN THAT PHOTO -- CAN WE
PUT THAT BACK UP?
CAN WE PUT THE PHOTO BACK UP?
TRUMP REALLY DOES HAVE A TACO-EATING GRIN.
WELL, TODAY, TRUMP MADE HIS CHOICE:
LIEUTENANT GENERAL AND MAN GRAVELY THRILLED, H.R. MCMASTER.
HE CHOSE MCMASTER BECAUSE HE HAD THE STRONGEST-SOUNDING NAME.
"IS GENERAL THRUST MC-POWERHOUSE NOT AVAILABLE?
THEN LET'S GO WITH MCMASTER."
THIS AFTERNOON, THE PRESIDENT INTRODUCED MCMASTER FROM THE
OFFICIAL COMMAND COUCH.
>> I'D LIKE TO ASK H.R. TO SAY A COUPLE OF WORDS.
>> STEPHEN: I'M SURE THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME THAT H.R. HAS HAD
A COUPLE OF WORDS FOR DONALD TRUMP.
AND MCMASTER GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTED THE POST.
>> I LOOK FORWARD TO JOINING THE NATIONAL SECURITY TEAM AND DOING
EVERYTHING I CAN TO ADVANCE AND PROTECT THE INTERESTS OF THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> STEPHEN: "I SWEAR TO DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO
PROTECT THE NATION FROM AMERICA'S ENEMIES... WHICH I'M
BEING TOLD ARE CBS AND THE FAILING NEW YORK TIMES.
WOW.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE I WAS IN THE ARMY FIVE MINUTES AGO."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED THAT
TRUMP NAMED MCMASTER AT HIS MAR-A-LAGO RESORT -- OR, AS HE'S
CALLING IT NOW, "THE SOUTHERN WHITE HOUSE."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IT'S THE SOUTHERN WHITE HOUSE
NOW BECAUSE, WHEREVER THE PRESIDENT GOES, THAT IS A WHITE
HOUSE.
"OOO, I JUST GOT BACK FROM THE BURGER WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOTTA GO HIT THE PORCELAIN
WHITE HOUSE."
( APPLAUSE ) AND TRUMP'S WEEKEND JAUNTS TO
MAR-A-LAGO ARE NOT CHEAP.
COMBINED WITH OTHER TRIPS HIS FAMILY TAKES, HE'S ALREADY COST
TAXPAYERS $11.3 MILLION IN ONE MONTH.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE,
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S TRAVEL EXPENSES AVERAGED $12.1 MILLION
EACH YEAR.
IT HELPS THAT OBAMA'S "WINTER WHITE HOUSE" WAS THE WHITE
HOUSE.
AND ONE OF THE BIGGEST EXPENSES FOR TAXPAYERS ARE THE TRUMP
ORGANIZATION'S BUSINESS TRIPS.
IN JANUARY, ERIC TRUMP TOOK A TRIP TO URUGUAY THAT COST
TAXPAYERS $97,000 IN HOTEL BILLS.
IT WAS $10,000 FOR THE SECRET SERVICE, AND $87,000 FOR A
BOTTLE OF VOSS WATER FROM THE MINI BAR.
ERIC WAS IN URUGUAY TO PROMOTE THE STILL-UNDER CONSTRUCTION
TRUMP TOWER, PUNTA DEL ESTE, WHICH I BELIEVE TRANSLATES TO
"THE PROSTITUTE OF THE EAST."
( LAUGHTER ) SOUNDS LOVELY.
( APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S NOT SLOWING DOWN.
LATER THIS MONTH, WE'LL ALSO BE SUBSIDIZING ERIC AND DONALD JR.
TRIP TO ATTEND THE GRAND OPENING OF THE NEW TRUMP INTERNATIONAL
HOTEL AND TOWER IN VANCOUVER.
IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN EVEN THE PRESIDENT'S SONS ARE LOOKING
AT REAL ESTATE IN CANADA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CANADA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE LOVE CANADA.
HUGE CANADA FANS.
AND WHILE TRUMP WAS DOWN THERE AT MAR-A-LAGO,
TRUMP HELD A CAMPAIGN RALLY IN A FLORIDA AIRPORT AND OVER 9,000
PEOPLE SHOWED UP.
IT'S THE BIGGEST CROWD TRUMP'S DRAWN TO AN AIRPORT WITHOUT
DETAINING ANYONE.
THE POINT OF TRUMP'S RALLY WAS TO SHOW HE WAS MAN OF THE
PEOPLE, AND TO PROVE IT HE HAD A REAL LIFE PERSON JOIN HIM ON
STAGE.
>> I JUST SAW HIM ON TELEVISION.
HE SAID, I LOVE TRUMP!
LET TRUMP DO WHAT HE HAS TO DO.
THAT'S MY GUY RIGHT THERE.
COME ON UP HERE.
COME ON UP.
THIS GUY WAS GREAT.
HOP OVER THE FENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YES.
>> STEPHEN: NOTHING SCREAMS STRONG BORDERS AND EXTREME
VETTING LIKE "HOP OVER THE FENCE."