WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS WE BROADCAST TONIGHT'S SHOW,
HURRICANE FLORENCE IS GRINDING IT'S WAY INTO THE EAST COAST.
I HOPE EVERYONE'S STAYING SAFE.
WE'RE THINKING OF YOU.
THIS THING IS SCARY.
ALMOST AS SCARY AS THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S GRAPHICS.
>> ONCE THAT WATER COMES UP TO THREE FEET, YOU CAN SEE IT WOULD
BE COMING UP MY SHINS, UP TOWARDS MY WAIST.
THIS COULD BE ENOUGH TO KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET.
IT COULD EVEN FLOAT SOME CARS, THERE COULD BE CARS ON THE SIDE
OF THE ROADWAY.
THIS IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS, BUT ONCE WE GET UP INTO THAT
SIX-FOOT RANGE-- LOOK AT HOW HIGH THIS WATER GOES.
WINDS PICK EVERYTHING UP, CARS WILL BE FLOATING AT THIS POINT.
THIS WATER'S OVER MY HEAD.
THIS IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION.
SO, IF YOU FIND YOURSELF HERE, PLEASE GET OUT.
IF YOU'RE TOLD TO GO, YOU NEED TO GO.
>> Stephen: YES, GET OUT.
( LAUGHTER ) OR GET YOURSELF ONE OF THOSE
MAGIC GRAY CIRCLES THAT WATER CAN'T TOUCH.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WOULD ALSO BE GOOD.
WELL, WE WILL NOT BE OUTDONE BY THE WEATHER CHANNEL'S GRAPHICS.
LET'S CHECK IN ON THE STORM WITH OUR CHIEF METEOROLOGIST, SUNNY
THUNDERS.
>> BEHOLD HIS MIGHTY HAND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH, GREAT WORK.
GREAT WORK.
THANKS, SUNNY.
STAY SAFE OUT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU WATCH THIS SHOW, WE DID
THE PRESIDENT ABOUT BEING A TERRIBLE PERSON, BUT IN REALITY
IT IS MUCH WORSE THAN WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED BECAUSE
PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN LASER-FOCUSED ON HURRICANE
RESPONSE THIS WEEK, NOT THIS ONE, THE ONE A YEAR AGO BECAUSE
HE'S BEEN TWEETING A LOT ABOUT WHAT A GREAT JOB HE DID
RESPONDING TO HURRICANE MARIA THAT DECIMATED PUERTO RICO LAST
YEAR RESULTING IN THE DEATH OF ALMOST 3,000 AMERICAN CITIZENS.
IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE HORRIBLE THAN THAT, OTHER
THAN THIS TWEET.
"3,000 PEOPLE DID NOT DIE IN THE TWO HURRICANES THAT HIT PUERTO
RICO.
WHEN I LEFT THE ISLAND, AFTER THE STORM HAD HIT, THEY HAD
ANYWHERE FROM 6-18 DEATHS.
AS TIME WENT BY, IT DID NOT GO UP BY MUCH.
THEN, A LONG TIME LATER, THEY STARTED TO REPORT REALLY LARGE
NUMBERS, LIKE 3,000.
DOT-DOT-DOT...
DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT THIS WAS DONE BY THE DEMOCRATS
IN ORDER TO MAKE ME LOOK AS BAD AS POSSIBLE, WHEN I WAS
SUCCESSFULLY RAISING BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO HELP REBUILD PUERTO
RICO.
IF A PERSON DIED FOR ANY REASON, LIKE OLD AGE, JUST ADD THEM ONTO
THE LIST.
BAD POLITICS.
I LOVE PUERTO RICO!" ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
"THEY'RE MY FAVORITE BUNCH OF LYING, UNGRATEFUL, FAKE DEAD
PEOPLE!
I LIKE PUERTO RICANS WHO DON'T DIE."
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO STATE THAT THIS
IS NOT ONLY A SICKENING TWEET, IT IS IS NO WAY TRUE.
AT THE GOVERNMENT'S REQUEST RESEARCHERS AT GEORGE WASHINGTON
UNIVERSITY'S MILKEN INSTITUTE SCHOOL OF PUBLIC HEALTH DID A
STUDY AND ESTIMATED THAT 2,975 PEOPLE DIED AS A RESULT OF THE
DISASTER AND ITS EFFECTS, WHICH UNFOLDED OVER MONTHS.
AND IT HAD BEEN PUSHED OUT OF THE FRONT PAGES BECAUSE OF ALL
THE OTHER BAD NEWS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.
THEN HE BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE HE WAS ON TRIAL FOR LITTERING AND SAID ON
THE STAND "I ONLY THREW THAT CUP OUT OF MY WINDOW BECAUSE I WAS
DISTRACTED BY THE HOMELESS MAN I RAN OVER.
PRETTY SURE HE DIED OF OLD AGE.
OKAY.
DEMOCRATS PUSHED HIM IN FRONT OF MY CAR ."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND TRUMP'S LASHING OUT ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
REPUBLICANS REPORTEDLY BELIEVE THAT TRUMP WILL SOON FIRE
ATTORNEY GENERAL AND CABBAGE PATCH AMERICAN, JEFF SESSIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS NO SURPRISE.
TRUMP HAS HAD MAJOR PROBLEMS WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
MAINLY, THE JUSTICE PART.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING, THEY DON'T
THINK ANYONE CAN GET CONFIRMED IF SESSIONS NEEDS TO BE REPLACED
AND, ON TOP OF THAT, NO ONE IN THE G.O.P. WANTS THE JOB.
WHEN ASKED, SENATOR JOHN CORNYN SAID, "WE ALREADY HAVE AN
ATTORNEY GENERAL.
I LOVE MY JOB."
( LAUGHTER ) LINDSEY GRAHAM RESPONDED, "NO.
I LIKE BEING A SENATOR.
THERE ARE PLENTY OF MORE QUALIFIED PEOPLE THAN ME.
BUNCHES OF THEM, THOUSANDS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND RAND PAUL REPLIED "WAS IST
DAS ATTORNEY GENERAL?
I AM HANS, A HUMBLE GERMAN TOURIST MIT NO OPINIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT HANS GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUMP IS ALSO APPARENTLY
CONSIDERING FIRING DEFENSE SECRETARY AND MAN WHOSE EYES
COUNT AS CARRY-ON BAGS, JAMES MATTIS.
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS TIRED.
A TOUGH JOB.
HE'S VERY TIRED.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: VERY TIRED.
SECRETARY MATTIS IS FAMOUSLY NICKNAMED "MAD DOG MATTIS," THE
COOLEST MILITARY NICKNAME SINCE GENERAL WILLIAM
"CLINICALLY-DEPRESSED HORSE" WILKINS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT OVER TIME, TRUMP HAS COME TO
REALIZE THAT MATTIS'S POLICIES AREN'T AS WILD AS HIS NICKNAME
SUGGESTS, AND TRUMP PRIVATELY CALLS MATTIS "MODERATE DOG".
"HEY, MODERATE DOG!
HAHA, YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY INSANE!
SUCKS TO BE YOU!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT TRUMP'S MISMANAGEMENT STYLE
THANKS TO A NEW OP-ED BY THE FORMER V.P. OF CONSTRUCTION FOR
THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, BARBARA REZ.
SHE WROTE THAT DURING THE CONSTRUCTION OF TRUMP TOWER, HE
WAS INSPECTING THE ELEVATORS AND TRUMP LOOKED AT THE PANELS WHERE
THE BUTTONS YOU PUSH TO REACH A FLOOR WERE LOCATED.
HE NOTICED THAT NEXT TO EACH NUMBER WERE SOME LITTLE DOTS.
"WHAT'S THIS?" TRUMP ASKED.
"BRAILLE," THE ARCHITECT REPLIED.
YOU'D THINK TRUMP WOULD LOVE BRAILLE-- IT'S LIKE READING
THROUGH GROPING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"OH, OH, OH, YEAH -- I LIKE, I LIKE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE TOLD THE ARCHITECT TO GET
RID OF IT.
"WE CAN'T," THE ARCHITECT SAID, "IT'S THE LAW."
TO WHICH TRUMP YELLED, "GET RID OF THE --EXPLETIVE-- BRAILLE.
NO BLIND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LIVE IN TRUMP TOWER!"
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) MAYBE.
BUT IF YOU'VE SEEN TRUMP TOWER, I'M PRETTY SURE BLIND PEOPLE
DECORATED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I LOVE THE CHEERING, BUT I WAS
BEING THE BLIND DECORATOR HEARING THE DECOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO REZ, TRUMP KNEW
THAT THE ARCHITECT COULDN'T ACTUALLY TAKE THE BRAILLE
OFF, BUT ORDERING AN UNDERLING TO DO SOMETHING THAT WAS
IMPOSSIBLE GAVE TRUMP THE OPPORTUNITY TO YELL AT THEM AND
ALSO BLAME THEM FOR ANYTHING THAT WENT WRONG LATER.
SHE CALLED IT, "A TRUMP-STYLE WIN-WIN."
AS OPPOSED TO A TRUMP STYLE LOSE-WIN, WHICH IS HOW HE BECAME
PRESIDENT.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SOME ELECTORAL COLLEGE
FANS.
NOT ONLY THAT, TRUMP ASKED HIS WORKERS TO LIE IN ORDER TO SELL
MORE APARTMENTS, LIKE SAYING THAT THE MARBLE IN THE BATHROOM
WAS LUXURIOUS, WHEN THEY KNEW IT WAS MADE WITH CRUSHED MARBLE AND
GLUE.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING (AS TRUMP)
"YOU SEE THIS HAMBURGER?
GO TO THE LIVESTOCK AUCTION AND CONVINCE PEOPLE IT'S A COW.
SQUEEZE IT AND MOO BEHIND YOUR HAND.
MOO."