red vs blue SO COOL
F.I.L.S.S.: Alarm, security breach, level Alpha.
All personnel, report for duty. This is not a drill.
SIMMONS: Run!
GRIF: Oh crap! Where is she? SIMMONS: I don't wanna die!
CABOOSE: Sheila, we have to help them.
F.I.L.S.S.: Help who?
- The Reds! Tex is attacking them, we have to stop her.
- Stop Agent Texas? Oh no, absolutely not.
We should never interfere with an ongoing battlefield simulation test.
Our job is to observe and document.
bb
- But she'll kill them.
- Oh, that would be wonderful! What a successful test.
SARGE: We need to keep moving, men. Come on, double time.
Hell I'd settle for single time.
- Maybe we should just fight. I'm afraid she's gonna start picking us off one by--
--one!
OMG
SIMMONS: Ow!
god NO
Oh man, forget this. I need to get a bigger weapon.
SIMMONS: Caboose, help us!
- How? The computer won't let me. She's mean!
This place is filled with mean ladies.
- Push some buttons, I don't know!
- Buttons!? Oh man, I love buttons!
Beep bup bup boop beep bup boop.
- Wow.
That actually worked perfectly. Thanks!
- Great! How the heck did I do that?
GRIF: Ow!
Hey Simmons, what the hell is going on in there?
- You gotta help us! Do you know how to use that thing?
- My sword? Fuck yeah I know how to use it.
What's to understand about swish-swish-stab? It's a fuckin' sword dude, it's not a fighter jet.
- Just come and help me.
Wait, wait, wait--!
WTW tex
GRIF: O-ho o-ho.
TUCKER: Hey Sweet Cheeks!
Remember me? Step away from the idiot!
SIMMONS: Oh God, please don't let her see me.
TUCKER: Huh?
CABOOSE: Yes! I saved Tucker!
Oh, wait...
I saved Tucker.
Caboose, what are you doing?
You're messing up my plan with Simmons. I was supposed to distract her for him.
You ratted me out, you son of a bitch!
Oh shit!
TUCKER: That was awesom--ow!
CABOOSE: Um, can we use turrets on her or, some explodey fiery thing?
F.I.L.S.S.: That would be outside the bounds of my standard safety protocols. I cannot do that.
GRIF: What do we do Sarge?
- I don't know, I've never hit a girl in my life.
SIMMONS: Yeah, I noticed. Try harder!
GRIF: Hah!
SIMMONS: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUU-
--UUCK!
OMG GRIF
GRIF: Ha-how!
Oh no, Grif!
GRIF: Yipe! - [click]
Private Grif, you should be ashamed of yourself. - [repeated clicks]
We've run out of ammo again! That's your responsibility! - [repeated clicks]
- [click] Huh. I guess this is the first time my laziness has ever saved my--oof!
SOLP it TEX PZ
Protect me, cone!
SIMMONS: Ow! OMG tex solp it pz
SIMMONS: Watch it! GRIF: You watch it!
You idiots, let me show you how it's done.
GRIF: Nice demonstration, Sarge. - Ah, shut up.
SIMMONS (hushed): Hey guys, look up there.
Uuh, what?
Hey Caboose! Remember when I said not to help me?
Forget that, I need you to help me. Right now!
What holds up that crate?
F.I.L.S.S.: Mechanical controls are on the left side of the console.
I can't believe that worked!
nop
...Aw fuck, that didn't work!
- I knew that would not work. Agent Tex is a bit of a badass.
GRIF: We gotta get out of here! SIMMONS: We'll be crushed!
TUCKER: Don't worry guys, I got this.
SWISH!
GRIF: Ow!
GRIF: We were crushed.
Aw fuckberries. Tex, can you--oh!
Alright. You know what, that's it. Come here.
Oh thank God, thought I was a goner
Sarge, where are you?
Rrr, what happened? I feel defeated, yet inexplicably rejuvenated.
Swish--fuck!
Swoosh--fah!
Ah, stab--God dammit!
Gah! Oh come on!
TUCKER: O-aow, bullshit!
GRIF: Whoa, did you see that? SIMMONS: How would I have missed that?
What's the matter Tex, you having trouble keeping it up?
Don't worry, it happens to everybody. Well, not me but...
TUCKER: Ow! Ow! SARGE: That rocket launcher's one of the older models, right? SIMMONS: Yeah.
- That means it's got heat-seeking. Now lock on and let her rip! TUCKER: Ahow! I didn't know that was there!
- Oh right, I forgot about that. TUCKER: Ow, holy crap, you just don't know how to use it--
--bitch!
o sot...
[coughing]
Damn it! I hate this black stuff, what the hell is it?
GRIF: There she is!
Huh?
SARGE: Get her! SIMMONS: Wait, guys...
Ow, come on! I'm not Tex, I'm a Blue! I'm not the one you're fighting. Leave me the fuck alone!
GRIF (tired): Kicking's hard!
(muffled) Why are you hitting me, I'm not Tex!
SIMMONS: Sarge, hold on, hold on! - Hm?
SIMMONS: I think that's Tucker, not Tex.
See I told you!
Ow, you fucker!
Why'd you do that? - Meh, force o' habit.
Man you guys are n--ah-- - Hey, watch it--whoa--
TUCKER: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa--! GRIF: Don't fall in the--
GRIF: Hold still, hold still, I can see her. She's right over there by the other--
GRIF: Uh oh. TUCKER (whispering): Grif, I see her.
OMG WTW TEX IS meen
- What is your problem with my balls?
- Whoa, who-whoa, hawhoa! Aw crap.
O-ho, wow, right into the mount, huh? O-hoa, not even gonna buy dinner? Come on, I like your style.
Simmons, what're you waiting for?
- They look the same, Which one do I shoot?
TUCKER: Ahow, shoot the one who's winning dumbass!
GRIF: Ow. SIMMONS: Grif! Watch it! GRIF: Uh-huh-huh.
TUCKER: Ahoww, ow. SARGE: Wow, knocked the black right off ya.
TUCKER: That's racist.
SARGE: You're all clear Simmons, now shoot her!
Fire in the hole!
TUCKER: Are you fucking kidding me? Run!
GRIF: Oh God!
Oh God, not my ba--
Oh thank God. I thought I was--
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!
???
GRIF: Ooaaah!
OMG PORE GRIF
Why won't you just kill me?
CHURCH: Hey Tex!
HE BACK
How 'bout you pick on somebody your own size?