♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
AS YOU KNOW, I'M A ROMAN CATHOLIC, WHICH MEANS I BELIEVE
IN THE TRINITY, AND I HAVE A DRAWER FULL OF HOLY CARDS THAT I
FEEL TOO GUILTY TO THROW AWAY.
IT ALSO MEANS I GO TO CHURCH, WHEN GOING PLACES WAS A THING WE
USED TO DO.
AND ONE THING I MISS ABOUT CHURCH IS CONFESSION.
SO, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, WILL YOU?
YOU SAY,"OF COURSE, NOT."
>> OF COURSE, NOT, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID YOU WERE READY?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS MY JOB.
HAVE YOU WATCHED YOUR FATHER'S TELEVISION SHOW?
>> I'VE SEEN THE REGULAR BRAND.
>> Stephen: THANKS.
THIS IS A SPECIAL QUARANTINE EDITION OF "STEPHEN COLBERT'S
MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS."
♪ ♪ ♪ STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I DON'T
KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT
THEM.
OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
AUDIENCE, THIS YEAR ON MY TAXES, I'M CLAIMING MY SOURDOUGH
STARTER AS A DEPENDENT.
I DID NOT END UP USING THIS TIME TO FINISH READING MY NOVEL.
AND BY "FINISH" I MEAN "START."
AND BY "NOVEL" I MEAN "NESPRESSO INSTRUCTION BOOKLET."
YOU PUT THE POD IN.
YOU PUSH THE BUTTON.
WHY IS THERE A BOOK?
♪ ♪ ♪ WHEN I ZOOM WITH PEOPLE, I SPEND
THE ENTIRE TIME LOOKING AT MYSELF ZOOMING WITH THEM.
♪ ♪ ♪ IF WE HAVE TO BE IN ISOLATION,
I'M HOPING WE'LL GET TO FIND OUT WHICH CELEBRITIES ACTUALLY HAVE
GREY HAIR.
MY MONEY'S ON KERMIT.
YOU'RE 65, KERMY!
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.
♪ ♪ ♪ I INVENTED A NEW DRINKING GAME.
MINUS THE GAME.
OOOH!
I MISS NORMAL NEW YORK SO MUCH, AT THIS POINT, I'D PAY A TOURIST
TO WALK SLOWLY IN FRONT OF ME FOR FIVE BLOCKS.
IF I HAD TO JOIN TIKTOK OR DIE, I'M SURE IT WOULD BE A NICE
FUNERAL.
I FEEL BAD ABOUT MISSING SOME WEDDINGS THIS SUMMER BUT PRETTY
GOOD ABOUT MISSNG THE OTHER ONES.
AUDIENCE, I RECENTLY WATCHED "THE SHINING," AND ALL I COULD
THINK OF WAS "WELL, YEAH.
HE'S TRYING TO WORK FROM HOME, AND YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING
HIM."
I'VE BINGE-WATCHED SO MANY SCANDINAVIAN CRIME DRAMAS, I CAN
NOW SAY "IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG" IN DANISH.
"SAH-DEH-VAH-DIE, HEEL-UH TEETHEN, JOHANN!"
♪ ♪ ♪ NEW HIGH SCORE.
FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE!
>> WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> Stephen: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.