WELCOME ONE, WELCOME ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HERE THIS EVENING.
YOU OUT THERE.
I'VE NEVER MET MOST OF YOU OUT WATCHING THE SHOW IN TV LAND.
BUT I'M GUESSING, LIKE ME, YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO PROCESS
YESTERDAY'S MASS SHOOTING IN UVALDE, TEXAS.
IF YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN AND YOU'RE FRUSTRATED, YOU'RE NOT
ALONE.
AMERICANS HAVE WITNESSED GUN TRAGEDY AFTER GUN TRAGEDY, AND
WHILE IT CAN BE ARGUED THERE ARE MANY REASONS,
WE ALL KNOW THE BIGGEST REASON FOR THE TRAGEDY IS THE GUN.
RIGHT NOW, THE UNITED STATES HAS APPROXIMATELY 400 MILLION
FIREARMS, WHICH IS MORE THAN 40% OF THE TOTAL GUNS IN THE ENTIRE
WORLD.
THAT STAT'S EVEN MORE HARROWING CONSIDERING WE HAVE 100% OF THE
WORLD'S FLORIDAS.
( LAUGHTER )
EXTREMELY DIFFICULT, SOLUTION: REDUCE THE NUMBER OF GUNS.
WE'VE DONE IT BEFORE, AND IT WORKED.
JOE BIDEN KNOWS THAT.
>> WHEN WE PASSED THE ASSAULT WEAPONS BAN, MASS SHOOTINGS WENT
DOWN.
WHEN THE LAW EXPIRED, MASS SHOOTINGS TRIPLED.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT COMPLICATED.
IF THERE'S LESS OF SOMETHING THAT IS BUILT TO KILL PEOPLE,
FEWER PEOPLE WILL BE KILLED WITH THAT THING.
THAT'S WHY THESE DAYS, YOU SEE SO FEW MASS CATAPULT ATTACKS.
( LAUGHTER )
CAN DO RIGHT NOW.
CONGRESS JUST REFUSES TO DO THEM.
FOR INSTANCE, THE SENATE COULD PASS HR-8, A BILL THAT WAS
PASSED BY THE HOUSE OVER A YEAR AGO, WHICH WOULD CLOSE LOOPHOLES
IN THE BACKGROUND CHECKS LAW.
IT'S BEING HELD UP BY SENATE REPUBLICANS, POSSIBLY.
BECAUSE BACKGROUND CHECKS ARE SUPPORTED BY ONLY 90% OF VOTERS.
90%!
THE ONLY THING MORE POPULAR THAN BACKGROUND CHECKS IS DOLLY
PARTON RIDING A GIANT CORGI BRINGING YOU FREE ICE CREAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WITH FREE ICE CREAM.
ONE MAN'S FRUSTRATION ERUPTED ON CAMERA EARLIER TODAY.
TEXAS GOVERNOR GREG ABBOTT AND HIS LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR HELD A
PRESS CONFERENCE TO DISCUSS THE SHOOTING.
ABOUT 15 MINUTES IN, THEY WERE INTERRUPTED BY ABBOTT'S
GUBERNATORIAL RIVAL, BETO O'ROURKE.
>> AT THIS TIME, I WILL PASS THE MIC TO LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR DAN
PATRICK >> GOVERNOR, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A
CONVERSATION WITH YOU.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> THE TIME TO HAVE STOPPED THIS WAS AFTER SANTA FE HIGH SCHOOL--
>> Sen. Cruz: SIT DOWN.
>> YOU'RE OUT OF LINE AND AN EMBARRASSMENT.
>> --WAS AFTER EL PASO-- >> Sen. Cruz: SIT DOWN AND DON'T
PLAY THIS STUFF.
>> THE TIME TO STOP THE NEXT SHOOTING IS RIGHT NOW!
AND YOU ARE DOING NOTHING!
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT TRUE, BETO.
THEY'RE NOT DOING NOTHING.
THEY'RE YELLING AT YOU FOR POINTING OUT THAT THEY'RE DOING
NOTHING.
( APPLAUSE )
MIGHT CALL THIS A STUNT.
BUT ALL HE'S DOING IS CALLING BULL(BLEEP) ON THEIR LIE, THE
LIE THAT THEY'LL DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT UPSET THE GUN LOBBY
THAT LINES THEIR POCKETS.
ANOTHER LIAR ON THAT STAGE GETTING YELLED AT BY BETO WAS
TEXAS ATTORNEY GENERAL KEN PAXTON.
HE WENT ON THE FOX NEWS LAST NIGHT AND PINCHED OUT THIS GEM:
>> WE CAN'T STOP BAD PEOPLE FROM DOING BAD THINGS.
THEY ARE GOING TO VIOLATE MURDER LAWS.
THEY ARE NOT GOING TO FOLLOW GUN LAWS.
I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT ARGUMENT.
>> Stephen: I GOTTA SAY, "LAWS ARE POINTLESS," IS A BOLD
POSITION FOR THE ATTORNEY GENERAL.
( LAUGHTER )
PURGE.
BUT PERHAPS--
BUT PERHAPS THE "NOTHINGEST NOTHING" THAT WAS EVER NOTHINGED
CAME FROM GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, SEEN
HERE WITH HER LOVED ONE AND HER HUSBAND.
SHORTLY AFTER THE SHOOTING, GREENE TWEETED, "OUR NATION
NEEDS TO TAKE A SERIOUS LOOK AT THE STATE OF MENTAL HEALTH
TODAY."
I AGREE-- STARTING WITH GEORGIA'S 14th DISTRICT.
( LAUGHTER )
REPUBLICANS HAVE NO SOLUTIONS.
THEY ACTUALLY HAVE SOME PRETTY BAD SOLUTIONS, LIKE THIS ONE:
>> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TALKED ABOUT IS ARMING
TEACHERS.
IS THAT A POSSIBILITY IN TEXAS?
>> I ABSOLUTELY THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY.
I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE.
>> Stephen: COME ON.
A TEACHER'S JOB IS NOT TO USE A GUN.
IT'S TO TEACH AND RAP ABOUT SHAKESPEARE.
♪ I'M MISTER SMITH AND I'M HERE TO SAY
♪ CAESER GOT STABBED ET TU BRUTE? ♪
( APPLAUSE )
THESE COWARDLY DIPSTICKS THINK SHOULD BE ARMED.
>> THERE ARE INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE UNPAID VOLUNTEERS WHO WOULD BE
HAPPY TO VOLUNTEER THEIR TIME TO GO SAFEGUARD SCHOOLS.
>> TO ME IT'S A SIMPLE SOLUTION.
WE HAVE RETIRED MILITARY, RETIRED LAW ENFORCEMENT THAT I
AM SURE WE CAN COME UP WITH A WAY TO ENSURE THAT EVERY CHILD
AND EVERY SCHOOL IS PROTECTED WITH ON-SITE ARMED TRAINED
OFFICERS.
>> THERE IS NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T PUT RETIRED POLICE
OFFICERS, EX-MILITARY, AND PUT THEM AT LEAST IN EVERY SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: YES, THAT IS THEIR BRILLIANT ANSWER TO OUR EPIDEMIC
OF GUN VIOLENCE: ARM THE SENIORS.
THEY SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO FIND.
THEY'RE ALL MEMBERS OF THE "AAR-15."
BUT--
BUT MORE GUNS AREN'T THE ONLY TERRIBLE SOLUTION REPUBLICANS
ARE OFFERING UP.
HERE'S FORMER N.Y.P.D. DETECTIVE PAT BROSNAN ON HANNITY LAST
NIGHT.
>> WE NEED TO INSTALL MAN TRAPS, MAN TRAPS-- A SERIES OF
INTERLOCKING DOORS AT THE SCHOOL ENTRANCE THAT ARE TRIGGERED BY A
TRIPWIRE.
THE TRIPWIRE CAN BE A GUNSHOT, BROKEN GLASS.
A MANUAL SWITCH TOSSED BY A SCHOOL EMPLOYEE.
AND IT TRAPS THE SHOOTER LIKE A RAT.
IT'S TRIPWIRES.
IT'S MAN TRAPS.
>> Stephen: (AS BROSNAN) "YES, IT'S TRIP WIRES.
IT'S MAN TRAPS.
IT'S STAIRS COVERED IN TINY TOY CARS.
IT'S CRUSHED UP CHRISTMAS ORNAMENTS ON THE FLOOR.
IT'S HOT IRONS ON PULLEYS THAT SWING AND HIT THE BAD GUYS ON
THE FACE.
IT'S CARDBOARD CUTOUTS DANCING IN FRONT OF THE WINDOWS.
I SAW IT ALL IN THAT DOCUMENTARY WITH JOE PESCI."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, IF OUR ELECTED LEADERS WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT
GUN VIOLENCE, WE'RE OBVIOUSKY GOING TO NEED TO ELECT NEW
LEADERS.
AND THAT PROCESS IS ALREADY UNDERWAY WITH THE MIDTERM
PRIMARIES.
LAST NIGHT, THERE WERE SOME BIG RESULTS, INCLUDING GEORGIA
DEMOCRATS MAKING THEIR PICK FOR GOVERNOR: STACEY ABRAMS.
ABRAMSA
YEAH, YEAH.
ABRAMS, OF COURSE, IS FAMOUS FOR HER YEARS OF GRASSROOTS
ORGANIZING IN GEORGIA, AROUND THE COUNTRY, AND MOST RECENTLY,
IN THE UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS!
SHE'S FIGHTING FOR VOTING RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE, NO MATTER HOW MANY
FOREHEAD BULGES YOUR SKULL HAS!
LAST NIGHT JUST WASN'T JUST ABOUT WINNERS.
IT WAS REALLY ABOUT RUBBING IT IN THE FACE OF ONE GIANT LOSER:
FORMER PRESIDENT, "THE WRATH OF CON."
BECAUSE IN THE G.O.P. PRIMARY, HE WENT ALL-IN ON FORMER SENATOR
DAVID PERDUE.
DESPITE A FULL-JOWLED ENDORSEMENT FROM THE EX-PREZ,
PERDUE GOT HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM BY INCUMBENT GOVERNOR AND BEEF
JERKY ON ZOLOFT, BRIAN KEMP.
AND IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE.
KEMP PEACH-STOMPED PERDUE BY OVER 50 POINTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS WAS A TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE EX-PREZ.
EVEN MORE SO BECAUSE THE CANDIDATE WHO DESTROYED HIS GUY
WAS MIKE PENCE'S PICK.
OH, OH, YOU KNOW PENCE CELEBRATED WITH HIS TRADEMARK
VICTORY DANCE: "AVERT YOUR EYES, MOTHER.
I AM CLENCHING TO THE RHYTHM."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
LOSING, BECAUSE THE EX-PREZ PICKED LOSERS UP AND DOWN THE
BALLOT.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE FORMER PREZ PICKED A CANDIDATE TO TAKE DOWN
HIS OLD NEMESIS, GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE BRAD
RAFFENSPERGER, SEEN HERE BEING LESS INTERESTING THAN AN
OUT-OF-FOCUS BELL.
( LAUGHTER )
BACK WHEN THE DINGUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED HIM DURING THE 2020
ELECTION, DEMANDING HE FIND ENOUGH VOTES TO OVERTURN HIS
LOSS IN GEORGIA.
WELL, LAST NIGHT, RAFFENSPERGER ABSOLUTELY CREAMED THE
EX-PRESIDENT'S GUY, BEATING HIM BY 20 POINTS.
GOOD NEWS, MR. PRESIDENT.
( APPLAUSE )
THOSE VOTES!
NOW, THE EX-PREZ DIDN'T LAY A TOTAL GOOSE EGG LAST NIGHT.
HE GOT ONE WIN IN THE GEORGIA SENATE PRIMARY, THANKS TO
CANDIDATE HERSCHEL WALKER.
WALKER HAS TO TREAD A FINE LINE BETWEEN HOLDING ONTO THE
EX-PREZ'S ENDORSEMENT AND NOT GETTING ANY OF THE, "STOP THE
STEAL" CRAZY ON HIM, AS YOU CAN SEE IN THIS INTERVIEW:
>> ONE OF THE THINGS THAT CERTAINLY MOTIVATED PRESIDENT
TRUMP AND GIVING ENDORSEMENTS TO VARIOUS CANDIDATES HAS BEEN
WHETHER OR NOT THEY ACCEPT HIS CLAIM THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN.
DO YOU THINK THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN?
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK-- YOU-- I THINK REPORTERS SAID THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT.
HE'S NEVER SAID THAT TO ME.
>> I'M NOT ARGUING-- >> HERSCHEL, HE SAYS IT OVER AND
OVER AGAIN.
PLEASE.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'VE NEVER HEARD PRESIDENT TRUMP EVER SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: NOW, TECHNICALLY-- COME ON, TECHNICALLY HE'S RIGHT.
I'VE NEVER HEARD HIM SAY IT.
I'VE ONLY HEARD HIM SCREAM IT, TWEET IT, AND ONE TIME,
FART IT IN MORSE CODE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL CHE AND ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SPACE NEWS.
♪ ♪ ♪