(Jingling Bells as Piano version of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays)
Ho Ho Ho boys & girls! I'm Santa Christ and MERRY Christmas to you all! Ho ho ho!
It certainly is the most wonderful time of the year! Ho ho ho!
But did you know there was a Christmas that almost wasn't?
Well this has nothing to do with that story! This is the story about a little boy named the "Nostalgia Critic" and how he was having a not so Jolly Christmas!
I'VE HAD IT! I'VE REALLY HAD IT! I MEAN IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AND I'M NOT GIVEN ONE GOOD THING TO REVIEW!
I MEAN WHAT IS THIS?! "A CHARLIE BROWN KWANZAA?!" FUCK THAT SHIT! NO! I'M DONE! I AM TOTALLY DONE WITH THIS GIG!
I AM NEVER DOING NOSTALGIA CRITIC AGAIN! FUCK THIS SHIT MAN! FUCK THIS SHIT!
But Critic, you can't just leave!
Hey, I can do whatever I want!
But who's gonna run the show?
Hey, I'll tell you what. You're so concerned, YOU run the show!
Okay!
(Heavenly Music plays)
Hello Critic! I am your Guardian An... (THWACK)!
(Thud)
Had enough Jehovah's Witnesses today!
Uh yes, I was wondering if I could make a listing in your want ads?
Uh yes, I want it to read "Available: One cynical, pompous internet celebrity ready to criticize for a boatload of cash."
Oh yes, I'm sure that'll get plenty of responses!
Alright, thank you so much, Bye!
Excuse me perhaps you didn't hear me, I am your Guardian An... (CRUNCH)
Yeah, I was wondering if there were any responses yet on that want ad.
No, Okay I'll try again later! Bye! (WRENCH) (Roger Yelps in pain and falls)
Hmm, Maybe I should wait a minute.
Oh my, but you are a protective one! But in all seriousness though, I am your Guardian Angel!
You still here? I gotta say guy, you got balls!
Well I used to! But this isn't about me! This is about making you realize how truly important you are to the world!
What're you talking about?
I come from on high to show you the love and affection that this world has to offer.
And whether you realize it, you played a big part in keeping that love going.
Who did you say you were again?
My name is Roger and I am your Guardian Angel.
Nostalgia Critic: My Guardian Angel?
Roger: YES! HEARD ME THAT TIME!
Nostalgia Critic: Well If you're a Guardian Angel, Where's your wings?
(Mockingly)"Well, if you're a Guardian Angel, where's your wings?"
Yes, never heard that one before. "What I don't have any wings?" I NEVER NOTICED! YOU KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S THE FIRST QUESTION ANYBODY ASKS ME!
Sorry, sorry, I just get that question a lot.
No, I'm an "Angel in Training" and once I prove myself worthy then I get my wings.
Well okay. Why the hell are you with me then?
To show you what this world would be like if there was no "Nostalgia Critic".
Aw C'mon, it wouldn't be that different.
Oh, But you're wrong! You make a difference in so many people's lives!
If you just let me show you.
Oh I can't. I'm coming down with something. (Coughs)
It's very contagious, you could die at any minute.
Critic! I can show you just what an impact you make.
(Sighs)
Alright, but this better be worth it!
Grab onto my robe!
(Heavenly music plays)
(POP)
Where are we?
In a world where you never existed!
You mean I was never born?
Yes.
The world is a far different place.
Take a look at your beloved Cinema Snob for example.
(Electric Drilldriver Whirs)
He's a plumber?
Well without you being there to inspire him, he never made the transition into Internet reviews.
This is the life he leads.
Oh, Gee I guess that is pretty tough-
Okay, we're ready for ya!
Alright, now you remember your lines?
"You're a plumber, You're going to fix a woman's sink".
Sir, Sir, I've done this a hundred times. I can do it blindfolded!
Alright, well here's the woman you'll be working with, Jillian.
OH MY GOD! I can't believe I'm about to do a scene with the world's greatest porn star!
You are an inspiration to me, sir!
THIS is the terrible life he leads?!
All you need is a penis the size of a lightsaber...
And the rest is done for you.
I just orgasmed at the sound of your voice!
It's to be expected!
Well, okay maybe that wasn't a good example.
Why don't I take you to another place?
Wait, wait, I want to see this!
ACTION!
(Zipper unzips)
(THUD!)
OH MY GOD THAT'S NOT HUMAN!
HOW DOES HE FIT THAT INTO HIS PANTS?!
Alright, Let's go! Let's go!
(Various sounds)
(POP)
Where are we now? Some kind of bar?
Yes.
And I believe one of your friends is sitting there in the shadows.
LINKARA?!
Yes, Doesn't look too happy does he?
Obviously he's hit on some hard times and has driven himself to drink his problems away.
Aw sheesh, poor guy!
I just don't get it! I...Just...Don't...Get...It!
Oh Linkara, I'm so sorr...
WHO SAID THAT THEY COULD MAKE "IRON MAN VS BATMAN 3" WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!
DON'T THEY KNOW THAT I'M THE PRESIDENT OF BOTH MARVEL & DC COMICS?!?
HE OWNS MARVEL AND DC COMICS?!?!
Look, I had to drag myself into a bar because of the snowstorm outside AND this is the news you give me?!
YOU TELL ROBERT DOWNEY JR. THAT HE HAS TO BE PATIENT!
UNTIL I GET A SCRIPT THAT I THINK IS A FAITHFUL REPRESENTATION,
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!
Will there be anything else for you sir?
Nah, that should be everything. But here have an extra hundred for your troubles.
Thank you sir. Gosh, there's a gaggle of hookers with your name on it!
By God he's doing a million times better than me. HE OWNS TWO COMIC COMPANIES!
Now let's not jump to conclusions!
Hot damn, it's good owning two comic companies!
YOU SEE!?
Alright, alright so two people are doing better if you were never around.
But what about the Nostalgia Chick?
Hey that's a good point! If I never existed there wouldn't have been a spin-off character!
Yeah! Yeah! Let's see how the Nostalgia Chick is doing!
(POP)
(Baby Crying)
(POP)
Ah-ha! Ah-ha! You hear that? You hear that? I bet The Nostalgia Chick is a single mother living in this crappy apartment. So that means she could never complete her dream of becoming a famous movie director!
(Rock-A-Bye Baby plays in the background)
Darling, thank you so much for looking after our little girl!
Hey, what are stay-at-home dads for?
It's just a shame that you have to stay in this apartment building.
Yeah it was a shame that the million dollar condos had to get the reservation wrong. But it was kind of you to buy the entire apartment complex!
Well, I just wanted to make sure you two were comfortable. Now It is time for me to complete my greatest challenge yet!
"Twilight: The Good Version."
I can't believe you entitled it that.
Well If I'm directing it, that makes it true by default, doesn't it?
All of America knows that makes it true!
Hey Lindsay, so um, based on the watch I don't have uh, we've got to leave now if we're going to make it to the set on time.
Oh Nella, You're the best producer ever!
Well, I wouldn't have been that way if it weren't for you.
You know I'm just so glad we have this friendship based upon mutual respect and dignity.
I Know! Let's go!
(Quietly): Go team!
NEXT!
(POP!)
Now where are we because lord knows those last three didn't blow me over!
We are the residence of the one you call Angry Joe!
Angry Joe, Well good, that little pipsqueak wouldn't be anywhere if it wasn't for me!
No! No! Absolutely not! No! No!
No I'm through dicking around here Canada! You get rid of that sloppy little province of Quebec or I'm gonna get rid of it for you! You understand?!
You see, the American people, they didn't elect me to be some kind of a Pushover!
HE'S THE FUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?!!?!?
What's that?
Oh you think it would be manslaughter?
Well I think it'd be the greatest thing to happen to Canada...
SINCE I PUBLICLY EXECUTED TOM GREEN!
(Explosion)
(Maniacal laughter)
Yes, Press Secretary. Yes, let the good people of the world know that they no longer have to fear the tyrannical rule of the once evil empire of Canada!
(Canned Applause)
Vote For Joe! (Chuckles) Vote For Joe!
(POP)
Well, this next one will show you...
NO! FORGET IT! I'M DONE! THIS TRIP HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE!
NOBODY IS BETTER WITH ME! THEY'RE ALL BETTER WITHOUT ME!
But surely you can see one more!
Forget It! THIS IS THE MOST UNINSPIRING ASS SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
You really, REALLY SUCK AT THIS!
Oh, Come on! Things can't possibly be as bad as Joe being the President Of The United States!
(Sighs)
Suppose you're right, I mean it can't get any worse!
(POP)
Must've made a mistake. This is where I film everything!
Yeah, that's weird. We're supposed to see Spoony's life, I don't quite understa...
HELLO, I'm the Nostalgia Critic and I remember it so you don't have to!
(SCREAM)
Today we're gonna look at "Last Action Hero".
As we all know, Schwarzenegger can do no wrong!
YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
And I found this to be an absolutely delightful movie!
(Quietly): WHAT?!
It's a clever send-up to all those action clichés we all know and love!
THAT FILM WAS CLUMSY & UNNECESSARY!
It's a wonderful thrill ride from beginning to end and I enjoyed every minute of it!
(Static)
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
AH HA! AH HA! Let's see him deal with one of those pesky internet trolls!
Oh hey Douchey! What are you up to?
Oh nothing, I just wanted to say what a fantastic job you're doing. (Sniff)
You're an inspiration to the Internet and...
Gosh darn it! A treasure to us all!
Why thank you Douchey, I always look forward to your calls!
Oh by the way, are you still doing that crossover review with Phelous?
I was going to but Canada seems to have disappeared off the map. So I'm gonna have to get back to you on that one!
Okay, no rush. Take care my friend!
So long Douchey! What a charming young lad!
(Sniffs)
Beautiful man!
And you know, I didn't think "Junior" was that bad, I mean Schwarzenegger pregnant that was kind of funny!
(Laughing Uncontrollably)
I'll kill you! You JOB STEALING HORSE ANUS!
(Gunfire and insane laughter)
Can't hurt him Critic, he can't even see us!
GRRR! Just get me out of here!
(Insane Laughter)
(POP)
My god! My God! MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD! MY GOD!
You see Critic, You really were a rotten, dirty bastard!
And all the people you came in contact with, would've led a better life if you had never met them at all!
Is this the pep talk?
'Cause let me tell you, it's not helping!
Pep talks are supposed to make you feel peppy!
NOT WANNA TAKE A SHOWER WITH A FUCKING TOASTER!
I..I'm sorry it's just-!
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!
I mean somebody always misses the person whenever I do this!
I MEAN SOMEBODY!
STATISICALLY THIS DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE!
What about you?
What?
Yeah, yeah what about you Roger? If I never existed maybe your life would've been totally screwed up!
You know I never thought of that!
Take a look at my life...
And see what it would've been without you!
It's not a bad idea!
Alright then!
Let's take a look and see what my life would've been like...
Without the Nostalgia Critic!
Yeah!
(POP)
Yes God, According to my calculations we should have world peace in... About two weeks!
GOOD JOB ROGER! GOOD JOB!
I DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD HAVE DONE ALL THIS WITHOUT YOU!
YOU ARE MY NUMBER ONE ANGEL!
Oh Come on God! I'm blushing!
NO, I AM SERIOUS! IF ANYTHING WAS TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME OR IF I WAS EVER TO RETIRE. YOU WOULD BE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE JOB!
Oh God, You know how to make an angel feel needed!
Send my best to your son!
I WILL! TAKE CARE BUDDY!
You too!
LATER!
Later!
(Chuckles) I LOVE THAT GUY! (Chuckles)
(POP)
(Under his breath): I was his number one guy! No one has ever been his number one guy! But I was his number one guy! And he called me his buddy!
Hey!
You... got a good thing going on now don't you?
I mean what with the white robe and the ponytail holder? (PHEW) Got it made!
What did you say you were sick with again?
Oh, something contagious I'm sure!
Life threatening, no doubt?
Oh uh no no, I'm actually feeling a lot better! I just seem to have this horrible sneeze!
HELP POLICE! HELP POLICE!
(Chuckling evilly)
If you go... ALL WILL BE AT PEACE!
Wait a minute!
What am I afraid of you for?
You're just a two bit angel without any wings!
What are you gonna do to me?
(Crunch!) (Yelp!)
(Kiaing)
AHHHHH!
(Multiple Thwaps)
(Thwap) Arugh!
ALRIGHT CLARENCE, YOUR ASS IS GOING DOWN!
(Preperation attack kias)
AAAAHHHHHHHH!
(Kiaing)
AAAHHH!
(Multiple thwacks to the body!)
Ugh!
HUH?!
(Lion roar)
(Squeak)
(Multiple kicking thwacks!)
Ugh!
You die, I get heavenly bliss!
Fair trade!
(Growls)
Alright Tae-Kwon-Dick! That's far enough!
Huh! What? You think you can kill an angel?
I heard from God himself!
NOBODY CAN KILL AN ANGEL!
Well, it's worth a shot!
Hmm, Go ahead!
Shoot Me!
(BANG)
Hmm, So God lied to me!
Well that seems like a dick move!
(Thud)
My God!
I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable!
But there is ONE life that I can safely say I made better...
MINE!
And that's why Mary Poppins had an abortion! And later she became a revolutionary!
WOW! That's really interesting, Giggles.
Hey! HEY! HEY! Get outta here! Get outta here!
Hey what the...
HEY YOU'RE A BASTARD!
(Thwack! Ow!) Oh man! (Crying)
....The Fuck was that?
HEY people I'm back!
And I'm here to stay!
And I just wanted to say one thing to all of you!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YA PORN REVIEWING FUCKTARD!
BLOW ME!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS ACTIVIST FOR ANYTHING YOU!
I so wish you'd die!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YA PASTY COMIC BOOK READING ASS MAGNET YOU!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU OVER-EXCITABLE PUERTO RICAN JUMPING BEAN!
Oh I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it!
MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU POMPOUS REJECT OF EVERYTHING LIKABLE YOU!
Thanks a lot, I'll see you in Hell!
MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!
HO! HO! HO! So as you see boys and girls the moral of the story is...
And that's why Mary Poppins had an abortion...