WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW, I HOPE YOU GUYS HAD A GREAT FATHER'S DAY WEEKEND.
DID YOU, JON?
>> Jon: GREAT ONE.
>> Stephen: I HAD AN AMAZING ONE.
I SLEPT TILL 1:30.
>> Jon: YOU SLEPT?
OH, YOU WERE ALONE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE BY YOURSELF.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: ALONE WITH MY
DREAMS.
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT HAD A NICE ONE.
THE PRESIDENT WAS OUT AT CAMP DAVID.
MUST HAVE BEEN NICE FOR TRUMP TO GO OUT TO THE COUNTRY TO GET
AWAY THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION BECAUSE, LAST WEEK, THE
"WASHINGTON POST" REPORTED THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS UNDER
INVESTIGATION FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE --
BUT, OF COURSE, THAT IS JUS -- DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
( CHEERING ) -- THAT'S JUST
SPECULATION FROM A HOSTILE NEWSPAPER USING ANONYMOUS
SOURCES, SO DONALD TRUMP DID THE SMART THING AND MADE NO COMMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
ON FRIDAY -- ( LAUGHTER )
ON FRIDAY, HE TWEETED -- "I AM BEING INVESTIGATED FOR
FIRING THE F.B.I. DIRECTOR BY THE MAN WHO TOLD ME TO FIRE THE
F.B.I. DIRECTOR!
WITCH HUNT."
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW THE PHRASE "YOU BETTER LAWYER UP?"
IT'S SHORT FOR "YOU BETTER GET A LAWYER AND SHUT UP."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
TRUMP'S TWEET DOESN'T JUST CONFIRM HE'S UNDER
INVESTIGATION, IT ALSO BLAMES DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL AND
ACCOUNTANT DAYDREAMING OF HAVING SEX WITH MONEY, ROD ROSENSTEIN.
HE'S THE MAN WHO TRUMP SAID "TOLD" TRUMP TO FIRE THE F.B.I.
DIRECTOR IN A LETTER THAT TRUMP ASKED HIM TO WRITE.
IT'S ALL SUMMED UP BY THE FAMOUS PLAQUE ON THE PRESIDENT'S
DESK -- "THE BUCK STOPS WHEREVER I TOLD
ROD TO TELL ME IT SHOULD!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND BECAUSE HE WAS IN ON THE -- AND BECAUSE ROSENSTEIN WAS IN
ON TALKS ABOUT FIRING COMEY, ROSENSTEIN MAY NEED TO RECUSE
HIMSELF FROM THE RUSSIA PROBE.
IT WOULD BE THE THIRD MEMBER OF THIS INVESTIGATION TO BE GONE,
AFTER ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS AND FORMER F.B.I.
DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY.
IT'S ALL IN THE LATEST SEASON OF "SURVIVOR: JUSTICE DEPARTMENT
ISLAND."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: MAN, FOR REAL!
BEEN IN THE GYM, HUH?
>> Stephen: ROSENSTEIN LOOKS GOOD.
HE'S WIRY BUT HE'S JACKED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S WEIRD FOR THE PRESIDENT
TO EVEN BLAME ROD ROSENSTEIN, BECAUSE REMEMBER WHAT TRUMP TOLD
LESTER HOLT -- >> REGARDLESS OF RECOMMENDATION,
I WAS GOING TO FIRE COMEY.
I DECIDED TO JUST DO IT.
I SAID TO MYSELF, I SAID, YOU KNOW, THIS RUSSIA THING WITH
TRUMP AND RUSSIA IS A MADE UP STORY."
>> STEPHEN: SO, IF TRUMP SAYS HE DECIDED TO FIRE COMEY, AND TRUMP
SAYS ROD ROSENSTEIN TOLD TRUMP TO FIRE COMEY, THAT MEANS TRUMP
IS ROD ROSENSTEIN!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A FIGHT CLUB SITUATION!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FIGHT CLUB!
THEY'RE THE SAME GUY!
>> Jon: WOW, THE SAME CAT.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM ON CAMERA TOGETHER.
THEY'RE THE SAME GUY.
NO WONDER HE CAN'T STOP PUNCHING HIMSELF IN THE FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ONCE AGAIN, SIR, THE FIRST
RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS "DON'T TALK ABOUT IT."
( LAUGHTER ) SO FOR DAMAGE CONTROL YESTERDAY,
THE WHITE HOUSE SENT OUT TRUMP ATTORNEY AND MR. BURNS'S LAWYER
FROM "THE SIMPSONS," JAY SEKULOW.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
JAY SEKULOW WAS ON ALL THE SUNDAY SHOWS --
CBS, CNN, NBC, FOX NEWS, "ANIMAL PLANET," AND "THE HANDMAID'S
TALE."
( LAUGHTER ) SO POWERFUL.
SUCH A POWERFUL PORTRAYAL.
AND HAD ONE CLEAR MESSAGE -- >> THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THE
PRESIDENT HAS NOT BEEN AND IS NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION.
THE PRESIDENT IS NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION.
THE PRESIDENT HAS NOT BEEN AND IS NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION.
>> Stephen: OKAY, CLEAR AS A BELL.
THE PRESIDENT ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY IS NOT BEING
INVESTIGATED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
I'M SORRY, YOU WANTED TO ADD SOMETHING.
>> HE'S BEING INVESTIGATED BY THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE.
>> STEPHEN: SEKULOOOOWWWW!!!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH!
YOU HAD ONE JOB!!
SAY HE'S NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION.
BUT YOU HAD TO SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF ON TV.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT TRUMP OF TRYING TO KEEP PRESIDENT TRUMP
PRESIDENT, AND CHRIS WALLACE NOTICED.
>> FIRST OF ALL, YOU'VE NOW SAID THAT HE IS GETTING INVESTIGATED
AFTER SAYING THAT YOU DIDN'T.
>> NO.
>> YOU-- YOU JUST SAID, SIR, THAT HE'S BEING--
>> NO, HE'S NOT BEING INVESTIGATED!
>> YOU JUST SAID THAT HE'S BEING INVESTIGATED.
SIR, YOU JUST SAID TWO TIMES THAT HE'S BEING INVESTIGATED.
>> NO.
THE CONTEXT OF THE TWEET, I JUST GAVE YOU THE LEGAL THEORY,
CHRIS, OF HOW THE CONSTITUTION WORKS.
>> STEPHEN: "AND IF I WAS LYING COULD I HOLD UP THIS PIECE OF
PAPER?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DO YOU DENY THIS IS A PIECE OF
PAPER?
IT'S PAPER!
PAPER!
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN, KATY BAR THE DOOR.
>> I APPRECIATE YOU TRYING TO REPHRASE IT, BUT I'M JUST BEING
REALLY-- >> NO, SIR, I DIDN'T REPHRASE
IT.
THE TAPE WILL SPEAK-- JAY, THE TAPE WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF, YOU
SAID HE IS BEING INVESTIGATED.
AND IT'S NOT JUST BEING -- >> CHRIS!
HE IS -- I JUST -- >> NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE, JAY!
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE STOP FIGHTING.
PLEASE STOP FIGHTING.
IT'S JUST SO -- I'M SORRY -- IT'S JUST SO TRAGIC TO SEE MY
PEOPLE -- MIDDLE AGED, WHITE MEN WITH DARK HAIR AND GLASSES --
TURN ON EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) CAN'T WE ALL JUST WORK OUT OUR
DIFFERENCES OVER A DRAFT BEER AND SOME TOM PETTY MUSIC?
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- ♪
( LAUGHTER ) SEKULOW TRIED TO RECOVER.
>> I DO NOT APPRECIATE YOU PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH WHEN
I'VE BEEN CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT THE PRESIDENT IS NOT AND HAS NOT
BEEN UNDER INVESTIGATION.
I DON'T THINK I COULD BE ANY CLEARER THAN THAT--
>> WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT HE'S NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION,
AGAIN, SIR -- >> I CANNOT READ THE MIND--
YOU'RE RIGHT, CHRIS.
I CAN'T READ THE MIND OF THE SPECIAL PROSECUTOR.
>> OKAY, GOOD, WE'RE IN AGREEMENT, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHETHER HE'S UNDER INVESTIGATION.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHETHER HE'S UNDER INVESTIGATION OR NOT.
>> STEPHEN: SO, TO RECAP, SEKULOW IS SAYING TRUMP IS NOT
UNDER INVESTIGATION, IS UNDER INVESTIGATION, AND HE HAS NO
IDEA IF HE'S UNDER INVESTIGATION.
OKAY?
A GOOD LAWYER COVERS HIS BASES.
THAT WAY -- WHEN THE JUDGE ASKS, "HOW DOES
YOUR CLIENT PLEAD, GUILTY OR INNOCENT?" HE CAN ANSWER, "ALL