- You know, pandemic, obviously,
I, yeah, thank you.
These girls know what I'm talking about.
(chuckling)
Life is different, I miss traveling.
I really do, I miss traveling 'cause I love the airport.
(audience laughing)
It's very organized there.
My favorite part about being at the airport
is that announcement they do every 20 minutes that's like,
hey, if someone asks you to take their luggage don't,
(audience laughing)
'cause it's like, regardless of terrorism
there's no way I would ever agree to take on more luggage.
(audience laughing)
Even when my parents ask me to watch their stuff
I'm like, ooh, technically I know you,
but they're pretty strict here.
(audience laughing)
If you're going to Hudson News, grab me a Fiji Water.
You guys like Hudson News?
I do, I like to shop local.
(audience laughing)
I've been staying at my parents in Connecticut for lockdown,
It's fun, I have a big family,
I have five older siblings, youngest of six kids
and my oldest brother and sister have a bunch of kids,
not together,
(audience laughing)
separately.
And like, by all accounts, our parents loved us,
but they did get us a trampoline as a toy,
which I feel like is something you only buy your kids
when you can afford to lose a few.
(audience laughing)
Luckily, none of us perished.
I've never wanted kids,
but I have been considering it with the pandemic,
thinking about having a baby
just seems like the quickest way to get my sucked.
(audience laughing)
Which is something I'm interested in.
A lot of time to think nowadays,
I've been reflecting a bit on my most recent breakup,
which was five years ago.
(audience laughing)
Just haven't really had time
and I remember when I broke up with my boyfriend,
whose name was Kevin, obviously.
He was so concerned I had met someone else.
He was like, please just tell me it's not someone else.
And I assured him it wasn't,
but like if I ever get dumped, I hope it's for someone else.
(audience chuckling)
Otherwise it's like, nope, nobody else,
just anyone, but you.
(audience laughing)
That'd be hard to hear.
(audience chuckling)
I don't understand when people are like,
I need time to get over my ex.
Why do you need time to get over your ex?
You should wait seven months to break up with them,
like an adult.
(audience laughing)
Then by the time it happens
you're ready to sleep with someone else the next day,
like grow up.
(audience chuckling)
I'm gonna be honest with you guys,
I feel like I can be honest with you.
I do like someone,
I know, is that not the saddest thing you've heard all day.
(audience chuckling)
I'm so happy not to be a downer.
We met online,
he lives in London,
he's British, it's a bit complicated.
Like he sent me his height in centimeters.
(audience laughing)
But he has that accent,
so like everything he says is hot.
So he'll be like, "Our Prime Minister's in intensive care."
and I'm like, okay I'm a horny.
(audience laughing)
Long distance is tough physically,
like I have tendonitis in both of my wrists
from sexting.
(audience chuckling)
Yeah, tendonitis can now be sexually transmitted.
(audience chuckling)
And we're having a lot of fun,
I like him a lot, but we're just, I don't know,
it's like we're at different points in our lives
'cause he's five hours ahead.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes he'll text me at 6:00 PM and be like goodnight
and I'm like, are you mad at me?
(audience laughing)
But whenever I do the conversion successfully in my head
like he texts me and it's 10:00 AM
and I know it's 3:00 PM for him,
I'm like, yes, women in STEM.
(audience chuckling)
I learned addition and subtraction for him
and it's worth it.
He lets me Dom him
and he's only used the safe word once.
We were having sex and I told him to take out his phone
and order me a Prada bucket hat.
And he was like "Young Sheldon, Young Sheldon!"
(audience laughing)
Guess I took it too far.
I'm happy that we live in an age of sexual exploration,
but I do feel like vibrators are getting a bit intense.
There's these new ones they make with a suction thing.
You put it on your clit and it just like,
like sucks the demons out.
(audience laughing)
A brand sent me this wand to use,
it's like three times the size of this microphone.
If you hung it out the back of a boat,
it would like motor it.
(audience laughing)
I feel like next they're gonna be like,
"Buy this gun."
(audience laughing)
"Point it directly at your pussy."
(audience laughing)
"And you will have the most intense orgasm of your life."
(audience laughing)
It's a bit much.
(audience laughing)
I hang out with gay guys a lot,
I hang out with gay guys almost exclusively I should say.
And I, I try to think about why it is
that I love gay men so much
and I think it's because I was raised Catholic
and gay guys and priests are pretty similar
(audience laughing)
because they're both super judgey
and they want to know everyone's secrets.
(audience laughing)
Like if a gay guy gets you in a room alone,
you're gonna tell him what you did
(audience laughing)
and you'll feel better after.
They also kind of enter rooms the same way,
they're just like.
(audience laughing)