We had a member of the audience that asked a question she said that her husband of over 20
years picked up and left. Now that was hurtful but what hurts her more is that he's turned his
back on his teenage sons. He doesn't care that he doesn't see them. He doesn't look to find what's
happening with them. If they reach out to him he sort of is not interested. She wonders how can
somebody turn his back on marriage, turn his back on his children and totally forget 20 years and
this was a marriage where she thought everything was going fine. How can those young men heal from
this kind of abandonment because she's not the one being abandoned actually. I mean she's
come to terms with his abandoning her but she cannot understand how he can abandon his children.
Yes. You know the woman we're speaking about these things happening with women
here as in this discussion, it happens to men too of course, but the woman who's been
left by her husband can at least hope that maybe at some point she'll have a new relationship or
but the children have really one father. They might have father figures which is very helpful and can
really save the day but they have one father so they can't replace that biological person.
so the states are different for the children who've been abandoned if they've been abandoned.
I mean a lot of times let's say the father leaves and the father now he's the one abandoning but yet
he's now lonely and worries about his children and now he needs his children in a way he never did
before and he even connects with them and forms special new relationships. But sometimes the father
just leaves. He just leaves the whole thing behind and the children have a very difficult time
and it creates shame it seems so silly that the person feels the shame and it's very unconscious.
But the child that it could be a 25-year-old man, you know, it could be in almost any age group
of the child of someone who abandoned the family can say "Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't I
important enough? Why wasn't I special enough? Why didn't I form a better relationship with
him? Why don't I count? Why am I so weak and puny and unimportant to my father? So even though those
are unconscious thoughts, the abandonment of a father of his children creates shame.
And so it is very very important that everyone recognizes what the children are, unconsciously
the terrible assumptions, the fact that there they will have a reduction of self-esteem
from this. And that there has to be a lot of support to let the children know it is
not you. It's not because you're missing anything you're not...it's not about you at all.
But it's you know those are easier said than done words you know but there still has to be
a lot of support to understand the fact that this is a real wound and it won't show on the outside.
A lot of kids act like all right. They don't let it show but it's very much affecting them.
Thank you. So what can the parents who is the remaining parent do to
lessen this part and to help them not have long-term effects of this abandonment?
Well I mean there are a lot of things that can be tried. It doesn't you know...among your
listeners, you might have people there who don't have the luxury of doing these things but
if they have open communication with their ex--they might not have the luxury of that--but if
their job would be as a translator to be able to tell the ex what impact this could
be having on their children. The self-esteem, the shame, the awful feeling of not being able
to ever replace their father. The terrible loss that and in a young person it's so hard to find
words for so then the child won't be able to say these things, the parent becomes the translator.
So if you have the luxury of having access to your ex sometimes they won't block you
I mean you know communication is cut off, there's nothing you can do. But if you have that,
that's wonderful. And if you don't have that course if there are professionals around to
help out and provide support that's always you know a wonderful thing. But if you're
doing you know your own work with your kids, really it is to be in empathy to
to really do sort of that active listening where you say "I can imagine it must feel awfully
belittling to have your father leave like that. It had nothing to do with you.
But I know it doesn't feel good that you know that dad isn't in contact. It has to feel
very dismissive as if you're not important and of course you're important it has nothing to do with..."
That for the parent to really anticipate what the child is feeling put it into words for them and
not expect the child to say "You're right. That's just how I'm feeling." because children will say
I'm not you know I don't feel that whatever children have such a hard time identifying
these feelings, but the parent--not all children some children are beautiful and
expressing their feelings--but very often and the parent can play a very supportive sensitive
role in trying to soften the blow. This will go on for years at least a year if not two of
needing this support if not longer. So on average typically you say between one and three years.
You know I would say it could go on like if you talk to somebody who's maybe 50 and you
look back on their history and then they can say "Well I had a pretty good childhood. My father left
when I was 14 and I lost touch with him." "Did it have an impact on you?" "Well not yet maybe..."
You know it it could go on for years that you don't know in what way did that 14 year old
organized his whole personality around coping with that. So the impact can be ongoing but I would say
that for a couple of years the parents really need to be extra you know supportive.
Extra supportive. Professional support would help? I think so. I mean it depends on the
level of professionalism that you can find because again the young child will have a very hard time
putting any of this into words because children have a hard time identifying feelings.
They have a hard time putting a feeling word to a feeling. You know they're just saying
something like "I feel sad because dad left" is that's even that's difficult. So
parents really have to find professionals who understand children's communication
and understand the abandonment wound. But it's so helpful because you know
children also feel you listen. I'm sure everyone's familiar with these loyalty conflicts.
Somebody leaves and then the child feels once you have two kids
one feels supportive of you and the other one feels poor dad must be out there feeling so abandoned.
They actually feel abandoned very often for the other person, so there is so much
going on--the event, the loyalty conflicts and so forth--that it really requires some expert
you know understanding of that. And or the parent has to be very tuned in to all of these feelings.
That's very useful for people who are going through that kind of situation.
The need for professional help. If you you as a parent don't know how to talk
to the child, it's very important. Yes I'm sure that's an important takeaway.