WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE 2020 ELECTION--
EVERYBODY IS EXCITED.
YOU KNOW WHY, JON, IT'S BECAUSE THE 2020 ELECTION IS FINALLY
UNDER WAY.
TODAY WAS THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRI SO AFTER A YEAR OF CAMPAIGNING,
WE ONLY HAVE NINE MONTHS TO GO. I'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST IN
TONIGHT'S EDITION OF...
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
( HORN BEEPING ).
>> YOU'RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.
>> I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS.
>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020.
>> Stephen: HIS TIRE IS CUT, MAN.
HIS TIRE LOOKS GOOD.
>> Jon: HE GOT CUT.
>> Stephen: NOW, WE TAPED THE SHOW BEFORE THE POLLS CLOSED
TODAY SO WE DON'T KNOW WHO WON IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, OR IOWA.
( LAUGHTER )
MIDNIGHT PRIMARIES HELD IN TOWNS LIKE DIXVILLE NOTCH-- WHICH, OF
COURSE, IS A TINY HAMLET ON THE BORDER OF TAINTOWN TRENCH, NEXT
TO GRUNDLETON, PENIS TOWNSHIP, AND MUNCHBUTT CANYON.
( LAUGHTER )
MSNBC'S BRIAN WILLIAMS PRETTY EXCITED.
>> AS WE WATCH THIS, THIS WILL BE LIKE AN ATHLETIC EVENT. WE
CAN DO COLOR COMMENTARY. FIRST OF ALL, WE NEED TO ESTABLISH
THAT NORTHERN NEW ENGLAND IS STA BEAUTIFUL AND THAT THERE ARE
PORTIONS OF NORTHERN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHERE MOOSE WAY
OUTNUMBER PEOPLE, AS IT SHOULD B
>> Stephen: "AS IT SHOULD BE?" THAT'S A LITTLE ODD, BUT IT
EXPLAINS HIS SIGN-OFF: ( AS WILLIAMS ) "FOR MSNBC, I'M BRIAN
BOW BEFORE OUR MOOSE MASTERS, YOU HUMAN SCUM. GOOD NIGHT."
( LAUGHTER )
LANDSLIDE, BUT THAT'S NOT SAYING MUCH, GIVEN THAT THE TOWN ONLY
HAS FIVE RESIDENTS.
FIVE.
HE USED HIS CASH ADVANTAGE TO BUY TARGETED ADVERTISING, LIKE:
"KEVIN, VOTE FOR ME.
I'LL MAKE SURE CAROL COMES BACK."
AND THIS ONE: "CAROL, VOTE FOR ME.
I PROMISE TO KEEP KEVIN AWAY."
THE OTHER BIG MIDNIGHT WINNER WAS MINNESOTA SENATOR AMY
KLOBUCHAR, SEEN HERE DOING A TIGHT FIVE AT THE POT LUCK.
EVEN THOUGH BLOOMBERG SNAGGED DIXVILLE NOTCH, WHEN THE THREE
MIDNIGHT PRIMARIES, DIXVILLE NOTCH, HART'S LOCATION, AND
MILLSFIELD, WERE TALLIED TOGETHER, KLOBUCHAR HAD WON THE
MOST VOTES, WITH A WHOPPING TOTAL OF EIGHT.
OR AS JOE BIDEN PUT IT, "WOW, EIGHT...
THAT REMINDS ME OF THE NUMBER OF YEARS I SPENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE
WITH BARACK OBAMA."
OF COURSE, THE VICE PRESIDENT'S OF COURSE, THE VICE PRESIDENT IS
NOT DOING ALL THAT WELL IN THE GRANITE STATE.
BEFORE THE VOTES WERE EVEN COUNTED, BIDEN AND HIS WIFE FLEW
OUT TO "A SOUTH CAROLINA LAUNCH DOESN'T EXACTLY SOUND CONFIDENT.
THAT'S LIKE A GUY ON HIS WEDDING DAY SAYING, "TO LOVE, HONOR, AND
CHERISH 'TIL DEATH DO US PART. NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
A DATE."
ON THE EVE OF THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD
A RALLY IN MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE, BECAUSE HE COULDN'T
STAND THE IDEA OF OTHER PEOPLE GETTING ANY ATTENTION.
AND WHILE HE WAS THERE, HE TOOK SOME TIME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI.
>> ON TUESDAY, I DELIVERED MY ADDRESS ON THE STATE OF THE
UNION, AND I HAD SOMEBODY BEHIND ME WHO WAS MUMBLING TERRIBLY,
MUMBLING, MUMBLING, "WAH, WAH, OH, AH."
>> Stephen: HUH.
>> Dickerson: BOO!
>> Stephen: THAT WAS REALLY LATE ON THAT.
HAVE I BEEN USING THE WORD "MUMBLING" INCORRECTLY?
( AS TRUMP )
HA.
STUTTERING: SWISH, SWISH, SWISH!
WORST OF ALL, WHISTLING: CHA-HA, CHA-cHA-CHA!"
TRUMP TOOK TIME TO TELL THE PEOPLE OF NEARBY CONCORD HOW
MUCH HE LOVES CONCORD.
>> CONCORD, CONCORD, I LOVE CONCORD.
I LOVE CONCORD.
OH, CONCORD.
YOU KNOW HOW FAMOUS CONCORD IS?
CONCORD, THAT'S THE SAME CONCORD THAT WE READ ABOUT ALL THE TIME,
RIGHT?
CONCORD.
I LOVE CONCORD!
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, YOU DO NOT READ ANY OF THE TIME.
SECOND, NO, IT IS NOT THAT SAME COP CONCORDE.
THAT CONCORDE IS IN MASSACHUSETTS.
( AS TRUMP )
COATS WITH A SUPERSONIC JET THAT COULD MAKE THE TRIP FROM NEW
YORK TO LONDON IN RECORD TIME.
OH, CONCORDE!
I LOVE YOUR GRAPE JUICE!
CONCORDE, I LOVE YOU!
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT HE LOVES-- SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT
HE ACTUALLY LOVES, TRUMP INTRODUCED A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.
>> ALSO, A WOMAN THAT NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE KNOW, VERY POWERFUL,
VERY SMART, VERY BEAUTIFUL-- EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ALLOWED TO
SAY THAT, BECAUSE SHE'S MY DAUGHTER-- IVANKA.
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT'S WEIRD.
HE SAYS HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT.
AND HE KNOWS WHY HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO SAY IT, BECAUSE OF
ALL THE OTHER CREEPY WAYS HE SAID IT, BUT THEN HE SAYS IT
ANYWAY.
HE'D BE TERRIBLE IN A HORROR MOVIE.
( AS TRUMP )
"CANDYMAN" FIVE TIMES IN A MIRROR, BUT CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN,
CANDYMAN, CANDYMAN!
OH, HI, CANDYMAN.
LOOKING GOOD.
YOU UP FOR A THREESOME?
BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE.
COME ON.
TAKE THE HOOK OFF YOUR HAND, BECAUSE WE'VE GOT TO..."
( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE DONALD TRUMP IS CORRUPTING ALL
OF THE DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTIONS WE HOLD DEAR?
WELL, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU: YOU'RE NOT CRAZY TO
FEEL THAT WAY.
THE LATEST EXAMPLE IS THE CASE OF TRUMP CRONY AND MAN VOTED
BEST DRESSED AT NUREMBURG, ROGER STONE.
LAST YEAR-- A LOT OF STONE FANS HERE TONIGHT.
LAST YEAR, STONE WAS CONVICTED OF SEVEN FELONIES, INCLUDING
LYING UNDER OATH, FORGING DOCUMENTS, ENGAGING IN A
RELENTLESS AND ELABORATE CAMPAIGN TO SILENCE A WITNESS BY
THREATENING BODILY HARM.
AND BY THE LOOKS OF HIM, I'M GOING TO SAY ATTEMPTING TO TURN
GOTHAM CITY'S WATER SUPPLY INTO MARMALADE.
( LAUGHTER )
CRIMES.
STONE FACED A MAXIMUM PENALTY OF 50 YEARS IN PRISON.
BUT PROSECUTORS ASKED FOR A SENTENCE OF JUST SEVEN TO NINE
YEARS.
WE HAVE A COMPUTER PROJECTION OF WHAT ROGER STONE WILL LOOK LIKE
IN NINE YEARS.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE )
LIGHTER SENTENCE DIDN'T SIT WELL WITH STONE'S OLD
PAL DONALD TRUMP, WHO TWEETED, "THIS IS A HORRIBLE AND VERY
UNFAIR SITUATION.
REAL CRIMES WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE, AS NOTHING HAPPENS TO
THEM.
CANNOT ALLOW THIS MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE!"
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY DONALD TRUMP IS SO BENT OUT OF SHAPE
ABOUT STONE GOING TO JAIL.
ALL STONE NEEDS TO GET OUT IS TO ROLL DOUBLES.
OKAY?
OR PAY 50 BUCKS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GO TO FREE PARKING.
DO NOT PASS "GO."
THEN, BY SOME IMPOSSIBLE COINCIDENCE-- HOW COULD IT BE!
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT WILL
TAKE THE EXTRAORDINARY STEP OF LOWERING THE RECOMMENDED PRISON
TIME FOR ROGER STONE.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ).
>> Stephen: SO-- THAT WAS THE ONE I WAS LOOKING FOR EARLIER,
BY THE WAY.
SO DONALD TRUMP AND HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL ARE USING THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT TO GO EASY ON HIS CRONIES.
THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS AND A BANANA REPUBLIC IS
THAT TRUMP DOES NOT EAT FRUIT.
TRUMP WAS ASKED ABOUT THE STONE CASE TODAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
BUT FIRST, HE SHOWED OFF A LITTLE PROJECT HE'S BEEN
WORKING ON.
>> WE HAVE FOUR TRILLION-DOLLAR COMPANIES.
ONE IS MICROSOFT, ONE IS APPLE, ONE IS GOOGLE, ONE IS AMAZON.
SO YOU HAVE AMAZON, GOOGLE, APPLE, AND MICROSOFT.
SO YOU HAVE AN "M," YOU HAVE AN "A," YOU HAVE A "G," AND YOU
HAVE AN "A."
YOU HAVE MAGA.
>> MAGA!
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO!
FAIR IS FAIR.
HE'S RIGHT.
YOU DO GET THAT.
AND, IF YOU REARRANGE THE LETTERS IN THE NAME "DONALD
TRUMP," THEY SPELL "PLOD TURD-MAN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S JUST AS TRUE.
I WANT THAT ON A RED HAT.
REGARDING THE STONE SENTENCING, TRUMP INSISTED HE DIDN'T MAKE
ANY SPECIAL REQUESTS.
>> I'D BE ABLE TO DO IT IF I WANTED.
I HAVE THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO DO IT.
I STAY OUT OF THINGS TO A DEGREE THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT.
I WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
THE ONLY THINGS YOU STAY OUT OF ARE BOOKS, SALAD BAR LINES, AND
SHOES THAT HAVE TO BE LACED UP.
( LAUGHTER )
OF MISJUSTICE, ALL FOUR OF ROGER STONE'S PROSECUTORS HAVE
RESIGNED.
THAT'S RIGHT, THEY ALL WALKED.
IT MUST NOT HAVE BEEN EASY FOR THEM TO FIND THE EXIT, SINCE
BILL BARR HAS RELOCATED THE D.O.J. UP TRUMP'S ASS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" YES, THAT "MEANWHILE!"