♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
The White House announced on Friday that President Biden had
a cancerous skin lesion removed from his chest.
And the lesion is already running two points ahead
of DeSantis.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump attended CPAC over the weekend
and told reporters he would not drop out of the 2024 election
if he's indicted on criminal charges.
You know, we compare him to a mobster all the time,
but now he's literally saying, "No problem,
I can still run things from the joint."
[ Laughter ]
In his speech over the weekend at CPAC,
former President Trump said that before he came along,
the Republican Party was run by freaks and fools.
Yeah. Nothing like the Rhodes scholars we have today.
That's like going to Orlando and saying, "You know,
it wasn't always this nice."
[ Laughter ]
Donald Trump Jr.'s fiancee Kimberly Guilfoyle spoke
over the weekend at CPAC, and it looked like a rousing speech
until they cut to the audience. Take a look.
-All of us in this room have one message to Joe Biden --
it is time to put America first!
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Which brings us to a segment called "Where is Everybody?!"
♪♪
Where is everybody? I've never seen a theater
that empty, and I used to do long-form improv.
[ Laughter ]
I've been in elevators more crowded than that.
Where is there --
Did they accidentally schedule you against Kid Rock karaoke?
That speech must have taken twice as long
just to account for the echo.
Speaking of, why are you yelling?
It's not like you need to play to the back of the house.
And what's this, "All of us in the room
have one message for Joe Biden"?
You're the only one there.
There couldn't be a second message in the room
for Joe Biden.
If anything, that room has one message for you --
bring it way down.
[ Laughter ]
-This has been...
-It's a hit. It's a hit new segment.
[ Laughter ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis spoke yesterday
at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library.
Specifically, he said, "All these gotta go."
[ Laughter ]
TV host Rachael Ray has announced she's ending
her talk show after 17 seasons.
She made the decision in less than 30 minutes,
but at home, it would take you two hours.
[ Laughter ]
Didn't do great.
Better than I thought it would do.
So that's kind -- I'm not saying it's a win-win.
It was definitely a win-lose, but...
A woman in Florida recently set a Guinness World Record
by winning 23 ultramarathons in 23 days.
In less happy news, her car is basically undrivable now.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, United Airlines has announced it will offer
T-Mobile customers free Wi-Fi on all flights,
and Spirit announced that they're gonna fly really close,
and you should be able to hop on their network.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
Good Photoshop. Good Photoshop.
President Biden published an op-ed today
in The New York Times and that man is spiraling.
[ Laughter ]
Fox News host Tucker Carlson last night claimed
that the security camera footage from the Capitol attack
"does not show an insurrection or a riot in progress."
Yeah, okay, but when you cherry-pick
the footage you're showing, you can prove whatever you want.
I could show you footage from "John Wick"
that proves he's not violent. Take a look.
-[ Whining ]
[ Laughter ]
-We'll grab you some kibble later.
[ Tender tune plays ] [ Collar rings against bowl ]
-You're telling me that guy
[ Laughter ] is a trained killer?
Give me a break!
[ Laughter ]
The footage doesn't lie.
After Fox News host Tucker Carlson
aired exclusive security footage from the Capitol attack,
former President Trump posted on Truth Social,
"LET THE JANUARY 6 PRISONERS GO."
You guys know we can see what you're doing, right?
Kevin McCarthy, who is Trump's Waylon Smithers,
[ Laughter ] gives all the footage to Tucker;
Tucker shows only the tame parts;
and then Trump claims the rioters were framed.
It's like watching a magic show
where the magician is wearing sheer sleeves.
[ Laughter and applause ]
They do have very nice sheer sleeves on the magician.
[ Laughter ] Didn't know how it was going to look.
I find out with you guys. It's the best way
to do quality control.
[ Laughter ]
In a new episode of her podcast,
former First Lady Michelle Obama said
that she sobbed uncontrollably for 30 minutes
after leaving the White House
at the end of President Obama's term.
As opposed to her husband, who dealt
with his post-presidency grief more stoically.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Columbia University last week announced it will no longer
require SAT or ACT scores in undergraduate admissions,
while UMass announced that you no longer need
that show-and-tell project.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Massachusetts' own Mike Scollins.
[ Laughter ] In a new interview,
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg
pushed back against critics characterizing him
as being elitist and out of touch
and said his critics, "wouldn't know their way
around a T.J.Maxx if their life depended on it."
[ Laughter ] But if you're lost inside a T.J.Maxx,
your life does depend on it.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Pete Buttigieg said,
"You think Tucker Carlson knows the difference
between a T.J.Maxx and a Kohl's?"
Actually, he might, because aren't those his sons?
[ As Carlson ] T.J.Maxx, Kohl!
[ Laughter ]
It's time for lacrosse practice. Let's go!
[ Laughter ]
Grocery delivery service Hello Fresh confirmed yesterday
it will stop selling coconut milk from Thailand
over concerns of forced monkey labor.
From now on, they're only going to use union monkeys.
[ Laughter and applause ]
A group of entrepreneurs in Massachusetts
have filed paperwork to open a topless marijuana dispensary,
[ Oohs ] though they might run into some legal issues,
since they're ten.
[ Laughter, ohhs, and applause ]
"Hi, we'd like to file some papers.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, we have an idea for a business.
[ Laughter ]
Uh, can we -- can we put here, 'Don't tell our parents'?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, in honor of St. Patrick's Day,
Dairy Queen is offering its new Under the Rainbow Shake,
which features vanilla soft serve
and multicolored sprinkles.
And Arby's is honoring St. Paddy's Day
by driving all the snakes out of the kitchen.
The White House said yesterday
that it supports a new bipartisan bill
that would give President Biden the power to ban TikTok.
Of course, Biden could end TikTok at any time
simply by making an account.
Ugh, okay.
This jumped the shark.
[ Laughter ]
Capitol Police Chief Thomas Manger
issued a statement yesterday
criticizing Fox host Tucker Carlson's release
of security footage from the January 6th attack
and said Carlson made "offensive and misleading conclusions."
Of course, that's just what it says
when you turn on his closed captioning.
[ Laughter ]
According to newly released legal documents,
Fox News host Tucker Carlson told colleagues
after the 2020 election, "We are very, very close
to being able to ignore Trump most nights.
I truly can't wait. I hate him passionately."
Wait, wait, are you telling me
Tucker Carlson is secretly sane?
[ Laughter ]
I would feel so betrayed if I was a Fox viewer.
This is like if you joined a cult,
sold all your belongings, shaved your head,
moved to the desert, and then it turns out
the cult leader is just, like...
a Methodist.
[ Laughter ]
Voters in Oklahoma rejected a measure yesterday
to legalize the recreational use of marijuana.
Apparently, time already moves slowly enough in Oklahoma.
[ Laughter ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
reportedly sent a letter to President Biden
requesting that he allow tennis star Novak Djokovic
to enter the country to play in the Miami Open tournament.
That story again --
Ron DeSantis begs Biden
to open the border.
[ Laughter ]
After Senator Bernie Sanders threatened to subpoena him,
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has agreed to testify
before the Senate's Health, Education, Labor
and Pensions Committee.
And much like a black coffee from Starbucks,
this has been brewing
for a very long time.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
We talk -- you know, I'll be honest with you --
behind the scenes, we talked a little bit.
Like, "Is that joke gonna work at all?"
And it worked a little.
[ Laughter ]
A venti? How do you say a little?
-Tall. -Tall.
[ Laughter ]
That coffee joke worked a tall.
[ Laughter ]
My callback didn't work a-tall.
[ Laughter ]
You know what? We're getting there.
We're getting -- We're almost --
We've almost put a button on this.
Feel like I should have gotten out a minute ago.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, St-- Oh, boy.
Now there's a follow-up Starbucks joke.
[ Laughter ]
Way to keep the flow going, Meyers.
That's right, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz
will testify before a Senate committee
as part of an investigation into the chain's labor practices.
And while he's there, they've also got some questions
about those egg bites.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Tinder recently released
an Australian edition of its dating dictionary,
which includes the phrase "kitten fishing."
That means "changing aspects of yourself
to appear more attractive to others."
Or, as we call that here,
dating.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden unveiled his new budget today, which proposes
a 25% minimum tax on households worth more than $100 million.
Finally, some good news for people whose households
are worth $99 million.
[ Laughter ]
The White House yesterday criticized
Fox News host Tucker Carlson
for his misleading portrayal of the Capitol attack and said,
"Tucker Carlson is not credible."
And I think they're right because Tucker then said,
"Thank you, Mr. President, I respect your opinion."
[ Laughter ]
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis' new book debuted this week
at the number-one spot on
The New York Times Best-sellers List.
To be fair, everything else has been banned.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I -- Now I see why.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump is set next month to publish a new book
of private letters sent to him titled "Letters to Trump,"
though really, it's mostly final notices from utility companies.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Trump is publishing a new book titled
"Letters to Trump," and I have to say some of them are
pretty heartbreaking.
[ Laughter ]
The CDC has launched an investigation after more than
300 people onboard the Princess Cruises ship Ruby Princess
fell ill during a recent voyage.
And then the investigation ended at the word "cruises."
Yep, there's your problem.
[ Laughter ]
Federal authorities this week charged a man with conspiracy to
commit wire fraud after he allegedly sold
fake sports trading cards.
Said a buyer, "You mean this isn't a real Michael Jording?"
[ Laughter ]
The Las Vegas mansion that belonged
to the late illusionists Siegfried and Roy
recently went up for sale for $3 million.
It would have been $4 million, but, you know, they had cats.
[ Laughter ]
A car recently crashed through the window of a cafe in Houston
and narrowly missed hitting two men who were
recording a podcast.
Nobody was injured, but sadly,
the men were able to finish their podcast.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's available wherever you get your podcasts.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the makers of Hidden Valley Ranch
announced today that they've collaborated
[ Oohs ] with ice cream company --
[ Laughter ] [ Tapping ]
I don't think the setup's ever bummed people out that much.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the makers of Hidden Valley Ranch
announced today that they've collaborated
with ice cream company Van Leeuwen
to offer a Hidden Valley Ranch ice cream.
It's what people in the Midwest are calling a salad.
You guys!
[ Laughter and applause ]
That was the monologue. We're off and running.
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]