Reality TV didn't keep the Duggars from their beliefs and lifestyle. While some members
of the family came to hold convictions later on, their upbringing as a unified mega-family
was ratings gold for TLC. Let's examine the strict rules the Duggar family had to follow.
The Duggars, led by parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, have been characterized as independent
Christian Baptists, a notably conservative branch of Protestantism. The family's rules,
which can seem strict to outside audiences, might make more sense when seen through the
family's religious framework.
A big rule the Duggar children are expected to follow is an abstinence-only policy before
marriage, so any form of physical intimacy is prohibited until a couple says their vows.
An in-law of the Duggar family spoke up about the group's stance on intimacy before marriage
in the funniest way. Derick Dillard, who married Jill Duggar, had a little fun with fans on
Instagram after Jill congratulated her younger brother, Justin Duggar, on his engagement
to his fiance, Claire. A fan commented,
"Amazingly surprised that your brother is 17 and engaged!!! Why do you guys rush to
marry [in] life. He's a kid and Claire too!!!"
Not mincing words, Derick replied,
“Because we want to have sex."
His wife obviously enjoyed the statement, because her response was a smiley face emoji
with its tongue sticking out, followed by the A-Okay emoji.
The Duggars' requirement of no sex before marriage seems to function as an umbrella
for several other rules.
It's not just sex that can wait for marriage when you're a Duggar. The family's courtship
system prohibits most other forms of physical contact before marriage. Interestingly, the
Duggar children get a little more leeway with this rule.
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar told Today that they let their kids decide what physical boundaries
will look like. However, each couple must tell the Duggar parents what those boundaries
are. In a "19 Kids and Counting" clip, Jessa Duggar said of her physical relationship with
Ben Seewald,
"Basically, all we would do is just brief side-hug when we're greeting or saying goodbye
to each other, and really trying to focus on communication."
Jim Bob countered to Today, saying,
"But they have committed to waiting for the first kiss till marriage."
He added that Ben and Jessa were going to hold hands once they were engaged. Michelle
added her thoughts about pre-marital PDA:
"We believe it's best for them to save the physical part for marriage. That way there's
no regrets."
“We did not save our first kiss for our wedding day, and we really regret that we
didn’t.”
For an adolescent Duggar, any romantic pursuit is geared toward a deeper commitment. So,
parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar don't believe in dating relationships that don't
factor in the possibility of marriage. They spoke with Today in 2014 about this family
rule. Jim Bob said,
"Courtship is really waiting for the one God has for you and praying through the whole
process."
Michelle chimed in, saying,
“It's really examining the person and considering, 'Would this be the guy I want to be the father
of my kids?' If the courtship ends,- it simply means that the couple discerned they weren't
compatible for marriage. If it succeeds, then there's a wedding. There is no failed courtship."
So what exactly can they do within courting? Joy Forsyth and Austin Forsyth spoke with
TLC about their relationship prior to marriage. They said,
"It's really fun getting to spend time with her in different occasions and getting to
do different activities and church-related stuff. We've gone on several road trips."
Joy added that many of their activities were outdoors. Ben Seewald, in a "Counting On"
clip, said the goal is to:
"Focus on getting to know each other as a person, asking lots of questions, having a
lot of conversations."
You could say it's a cerebral process. But that's not the last rule around courtship.
While the Duggar children explore the possibilities of marriage with their significant others,
the actual experience of going on a "date" doesn't just happen between a couple. A chaperone
is always present. Jim Bob said in a "19 Kids and Counting" clip,
"A lot of times, if you're alone with the person, that can create desires that can kind
of get stirred up and you don't have any accountability. It can kind of lead to some hanky-panky."
Yep, hanky-panky. Conveniently, with a family as large as the Duggars, there tends to be
a sibling or two available. James and Jackson Duggar accompanied their brother, Joseph,
on a rollerskating outing with Joe's eventual wife, Kendra Caldwell. James didn't hide his
chaperoning prowess during the "Counting On" episode. He explained,
"I used to chaperone Jill and Derick [...] Now I'm starting to chaperone Joe and Kendra.
I've been doing it for a little while, not too long. I guess you could say I'm a pro
chaperone."
Young Jackson Duggar was a chaperone in training.
The Duggar family has regulations around clothing, specifically when it comes to what the daughters
wear. Viewers will already be familiar with the dress code implemented by Jim Bob and
Michelle Duggar for the whole family. The girls wore long dresses or skirts paired with
high-cut shirts with sleeves.
“I think my children have really developed their understanding about certain parts of
your person that probably should be covered.”
In their 2014 memoir, "Growing Up Duggar," authors Jill, Jinger, Jessa, and Jana Duggar
explain the mindset behind their family's dress code. They wrote,
"It's okay to enhance or accent whatever beauty God has given us, but we try to be careful
not to wear clothes that are too tight and draw attention to the wrong places [...] But
this does not mean we go out dressing frumpy or trying to look formless. Clothing can be
cute, trendy, and stylish, and still entirely modest."
In honor of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's 34th wedding anniversary, Michelle wrote a
blog post summarizing the outlook the couple shares that has kept their marriage alive.
In the post, she outlined the "Seven Basic Needs of a Husband," which were:
"A man needs a wife who is loyal and supportive [...] honors his leadership [...] develops
inward and outward beauty [...] makes appeals, not demands, [...] understands his need for
time alone with God, [...] [who is] grateful [...] [and] will be praised by others."
There were also the "Seven Basic Needs of a Wife," which stipulated that a wife needed
spiritual leadership from her husband, who protects, honors, and cherishes her, who communicates
with her and invests in her life. Last but not least, a husband lets the wife know that
she is meeting her husband's vital needs.
This topic came up again when Jim Bob and Michelle spoke with Today, and the first rule
was,
"Say yes to sex, even when you're tired."
Michelle reiterated advice she got from a friend prior to her wedding:
"In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes
home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking
forward to that time with you. Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person
can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when
he calls.”
The Duggar family is famous for restricting the media and TV content their children consume,
which might seem contradictory, since they were on TV. The family's decision to limit
television access started when Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar first got married. Jim Bob
explained how it happened to HuffPost in 2011, saying,
"I grew up watching TV, but when we got married a doctor friend of ours encouraged us not
to have a pet or a TV the first year of marriage. So we did that. For the first year, we lived
on love.”
When they were gifted with a TV, Jim Bob and Michelle spent all their time watching it
instead of talking to one another. They found the content inappropriate and decided the
whole thing was detrimental to their marriage. Jim Bob added,
“We prayed about it and felt we had to pull it out of our house, which we did. And I would
say that is one of the best things we have done for our family.”
When more of the kids were at home and the family was growing up, they did actually have
a television set, but they only used it to watch Duggar-appropriate DVDs, including "The
Andy Griffith Show."
In a Q&A on "19 Kids & Counting," Jim Bob elaborated on their lack of interest in watching
TV. He said,
"I tell you what, there is nonstop entertainment around here. It's like a 19-ring circus [...] There's
never a dull moment around here."
This one might be super obvious, considering the Duggars boast a brood of 19 kids, but
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar follow a lifestyle that does not include birth control.
In their 2008 memoir, "The Duggars: 20 and Counting!: Raising One of America's Largest
Families," Jim Bob and Michelle wrote about why they made this choice. They had initially
used the pill after Josh was born. However, Michelle miscarried during this time. The
parents wrote:
"As conservative Christians, we believe every life is sacred, even the life of the unborn
[...] We prayed and studied the Bible and found a host of references that told us God
considered children a gift, a blessing, and a reward. Yet we had considered having another
child an inconvenience during that busy time in our lives, and we had taken steps to prevent
it from happening."
While there are varying opinions and perspectives on whether the Bible permits birth control
or other contraceptives, the Duggars are firm in their convictions. Michelle even joked
in her memoir that she's used to being asked about her stance on the subject, so it's clearly
not a TMI issue for the family.
The Duggar family has always been open about their rules and why they choose to live by
them. This is certainly necessary for the world of reality TV and for a family that
has published several books about their lives. Another rule that they've publicly talked
about is that the Duggar household is alcohol-free. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar don't drink, and
they raised their kids to abstain from alcohol, too.
In "Growing Up Duggar," daughters Jill, Jinger, Jessa, and Jana Duggar shed some light on
their parents' teaching. Jim Bob told his children a story about a young man who grew
up going to church, but in high school, he was introduced to alcohol and eventually became
a drug addict. They said,
"How sad that one, seemingly small decision started him on a path of self-destruction."
Have the Duggar house alcohol rules influenced any of the adult children? Maybe, maybe not.
Jill and Derick Dillard addressed their stance on alcohol in a 2020 YouTube video. Derick
shared their biblical belief that drunkenness is absolutely sinful. He then quipped,
"But that doesn't mean that, you know, Jill wouldn't have a piña colada at dinner or
something."
The couple indicated that they drink responsibly, highlighting the importance of boundaries
and transparency. Jill also said she wants their kids to see a healthy balance in her
and Derick's lives.
With an upbringing in such a strict conservative, Christian household, many wonder what the
Duggar children have done with the rules passed on to them from their parents. A number of
Duggar children are married now with children of their own, but there seems to be a trend
of forging their own paths with the same frank candidness that their parents had. For example,
in 2020, Jill Duggar and husband Derick Dillard shared in a Q&A on YouTube that they decided
to use birth control after baby #2. Jill explained,
″We use birth control, but we prefer to use non-hormonal birth control methods."
Many of the adult daughters have been spotted wearing pants, or even shorts, so they've
clearly made their own decisions about the Duggar dress code.
But perhaps the most open of all the Duggar kids is Jinger, who graciously and respectfully
wrote about the decisions she made as an adult, in light of her upbringing. In her memoir,
"The Hope We Hold," Jinger explained how the decision to wear pants ended up leading to
a very deep experience of making her own decisions about everything. She said,
"I struggled with believing something that was different from my family. I knew they
deeply cared about their convictions, and I didn't want to hurt them [...] In the end
though, I had to walk in truth."
Sounds like a powerful message.
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