Insecurities at first sight?
Communication issues?
And… abandonment at the altar?!
Time to take off the rose-colored glasses, and witness the red-flagged truth behind how
toxic Carrie and Big's relationship really was in "Sex and The City."
You may have thought that Carrie and Big became more and more toxic over time.
However, looking back at their very first meeting, you can already see some signs that
their relationship would not be a healthy one.
Way back when Carrie was still a brunette, she met Big after bumping into him on the street.
As he picked up the string of condoms that fell out of her purse, she looked up into
his eyes and then down to his ring finger, and it was love at first sight.
Later that day, the pair have their first conversation after he offers to drive her
home in his car.
Almost immediately, a power imbalance is established.
"You've never been in love."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah"
When he tells her with a smirk he has been in love, her face says it all.
Carrie is deeply intrigued by Big, while for Big, it appears he thinks this was just another
passing flirtation.
When a couple can't communicate about whether or not they want an exclusive relationship,
things can quickly become pretty toxic — and that's exactly what happens with Big and Carrie.
Big introduces Carrie to a friend at a party as "someone very special."
The friend mistakes her for someone named Julia.
Carrie instantly becomes frosty while Big becomes defensive and aggressive.
"How many women are you dating?"
"In the tristate area?"
When Carrie tries to interrogate him further, he bites back.
"Carrie, I'm not doing this here."
In this scene, both Carrie and Big fail to communicate what they actually want.
Instead of having an open, honest conversation about their relationship status, they become
sarcastic, aggressive, and even cruel, leaving Big feeling annoyed and Carrie feeling hurt.
While Big was always a bit of a player, it didn't help that Carrie became more and more
insecure as their relationship went on.
In Season 1, Episode 8, Carrie becomes so jealous of Big's previous relationships that
she speaks to his ex-wife behind his back.
When she confesses to Big, she reveals just how insecure she is about the relationship.
Relationship expert James Thomas, from Condoms.uk, commented on their relationship, sharing:
"Everyone has a past and Carrie has taken it upon herself to feel personally victimized
by Big's [...] Going behind his back to meet up with his ex-wife is a clear sign of jealousy
and unhappiness within herself and the relationship, and shows major trust issues."
Of course, she isn't the only one to blame.
Thomas explains that Big should have given her more reassurance and told her about his
ex-wife sooner.
Plus, if Carrie felt that she needed more information, she should have asked him instead
of going behind his back.
Essentially, this scene proves that Carrie is insecure.
Big's nonchalance does nothing to help!
As Gary Brown, a marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost:
"It's a healthy sign that you are comfortable enough with each other to [pass gas]."
In other words, being able to fart in front of your partner means you probably have an
open relationship with fewer insecurities.
Of course, Carrie is not famous for being secure!
So, naturally, she totally freaks out when she farts in front of Big.
After it happens, she manages to laugh it off — but when Big stops wanting physical
intimacy every evening, she shuts herself off and throws herself into repainting her
apartment, assuming that he's no longer attracted to her.
"All I could think was, 'Why aren't we having sex?
Is this normal?
What's wrong?
Where are we going?'"
This scene shows that Carrie is terrified of not being perfect in front of Big — and
that even a small hiccup in the relationship can send her into a spiral of self-doubt and overanalyzing.
If only she had been honest with him about how she was feeling!
Even though Carrie and Big clearly have great chemistry in Season 1 of "Sex and the City,"
they also have lots of problems.
While Carrie has super strong feelings for Big, he consistently shows himself to be unavailable
for a long-term, serious relationship.
Of course, because Carrie likes him so much, she ignores the red flags.
Things come to a head in the Season 1 finale when Carrie finally tells Big what she needs
from him — commitment.
"I need a sign."
"What, like in those old religious movies, you want a voice from above?"
"Just tell me I'm the one."
The pair break up, which was probably exactly what they should have done — except, of
course, they keep on getting back together!
James Thomas, relationship expert, talked about this with us, saying:
"Carrie is ultimately forcing Big to be something he is not, and instead of looking at what
is right in front of her, is seeing the ideal version of a man she wants to be with [...] This
is a toxic pattern of going back to something which isn't serving you any purpose in life
just because it could be right one day."
In another case of communication problems, Carrie manages to spiral into a panic after
telling Big she loves him and not hearing it back.
Of course, this happens all the time in real life.
As relationship expert Chloe Ballatore told Bustle:
"It is absolutely normal for one person to say 'I love you' first and not hear it back.
In my practice, that's what happens about 50% of the time."
Still, therapist Ieshai Bailey added that responding with anger was definitely not the
right reaction.
Naturally, Carrie provided an example of what not to do.
Instead of staying calm, she let her anxiety bubble up inside her.
Eventually, she began to take out her anger on Big, and the pair got into a fight at a
party.
The next morning, Big called Carrie and finally explained why he hadn't said "I love you"
back.
"But, it's just something I gotta do in my own time."
He then finally admitted it much to her chagrin.
"Well, I f—ing love you."
Unfortunately, Carrie had already spent the night sleeping next to another man!
If only these two actually communicated, none of this would have happened.
In classic Carrie and Big style, the pair soon reunited after their breakup in the Season
1 finale.
While their relationship initially seemed stronger than ever, it soon became clear that
the same old issues were still there just below the surface.
Carrie wanted stability and commitment, while Big wanted freedom.
Things reached a breaking point in Season 2, Episode 12, when Big announced he was moving
to Paris.
After an initial panic, she showed up at his house in a beret with McDonalds in tow, saying
she'll move to Paris too.
Leading up to their breakup, Big said something rather telling:
"No, I'm just saying.
I don't want you to uproot your life and expect anything."
Once again, Big downplayed the seriousness of their relationship and refused to give
Carrie any hope of future commitment.
As psychotherapist Jack Worthy told Bustle, this is not only an example of toxic behavior,
but also kind of dangerous for viewers:
"TV shows can portray a reality wherein a man is ambivalent about a woman, and the woman,
through her perseverance, pushes a man through that ambivalence into commitment."
This is definitely an instance of classic Big ambivalence!
By the end of Season 2 of "Sex and the City," Big is engaged to Natasha.
Carrie and Big have a bittersweet conversation just after his engagement party.
"It just got so hard…
And she's…"
"Yeah."
As Carrie walks away, she sees an out-of-control horse.
She shares in a rather intimate voiceover, "Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me."
In other words, Carrie is left feeling that she was too wild to be marriage material.
This scene seems to send the message that women have to become demure, calm women in
order to be good long-term partners for men.
It's pretty clear that Carrie wishes she could have been less wild — and that Big was unwilling
to put up with Carrie unless she made life easy for him.
Nothing screams "toxic relationship" like cheating.
When Carrie started seeing Big again after his marriage to Natasha, she proved herself
to be impulsive and selfish.
Big, on the other hand, showed himself to be untrustworthy and disrespectful.
After all, Carrie was also in a relationship with Aidan at the time!
After breaking up twice and then having an affair, this was definitely the peak of Carrie
and Big's toxicity as a couple.
When Charlotte found out about the affair, Carrie tried to explain herself.
"It was a force bigger than me, like Niagara Falls or something, you know?"
Carrie tries to explain that she did think about Natasha.
Charlotte goes on to give Carrie some hard truths:
"You think about what would happen to you if she found out.
You don't think about her."
We have to say — in this instance, Charlotte was totally right.
Just when we thought Carrie was finally free from her toxic cycle with Big, he came back
and tried to rope her back in.
In Season 6, Carrie decides to move to Paris with Aleksandr.
Right before the move, Big turns up at her house to try to win her back.
But this time, Carrie puts her foot down.
"You do this every time — every time!
What do you have, some kind of radar?
Carrie might be happy so it's time to sweep in and sh— all over it?"
In this scene, Carrie has finally realized that the relationship is based on the toxic
pattern of Big pulling her in and then pushing her away again.
James Thomas commented on this pattern, sharing with us:
"Even after 6 years, Big expects to hold power over Carrie.
However, when she holds her own and informs him that she is now happy and moving abroad,
he freaks out.
This is a clear sign of power shifting and his ego being bruised [...] He is trying to
win her back emotionally by manipulating her to stay now that he comes to his senses."
As far as we're concerned, this scene would have been the perfect ending for this couple!
Even though Carrie makes it very clear that she's done playing games with Big, he still
travels to Paris confident that he can win her back.
He finds her crying on the floor of her hotel after being hit by Aleksandr.
Of course, the pair eventually end up on a picturesque Parisian bridge where they get
their happy ending.
Big gets to be the knight in shining armor, and Carrie, after waiting for six years, gets
to be "the one."
Talk about an imbalance in power!
If this ending left you with a bitter taste in your mouth, you aren't alone.
Even Candace Bushnell, the woman who wrote the original books on which the show was based,
wasn't happy with Big and Carrie ending up together.
She shared her opinion with The Guardian, saying:
"Well, I think, in real life, Carrie and Big wouldn't have ended up together."
Darren Star, the show's creator, also shared similar opinions.
He was also unhappy seeing Carrie and Big together, saying to Kindle Singles:
"I think the show ultimately betrayed what it was about, which was that women don't ultimately
find happiness from marriage."
Naturally, Big and Carrie's problems didn't just go away once he told her she was "the
one" in Paris.
In the "Sex and the City" movie, Big's hesitancy and fear of commitment lead to him bolting
right before their wedding, leaving Carrie heartbroken and humiliated.
Of course, Big realized, too late, that he was making a mistake.
"Carrie!
I freaked out for a minute, but, I'm ready now."
If that doesn't sum up Big's entire relationship with Carrie, we don't know what does!
Of course, later in the film, Carrie forgives Big and the pair get married.
Yet again, viewers of the show are taught that non-committal, unreliable men are just
something women have to put up with.
As therapist Sally Baker told Vogue:
"[Their dynamic] gives this message of whatever you have to put up with, and however many
times you've been let down, frustrated or heartbroken, if you can keep the goal in sight,
you'll get your happy ending."
"And Just Like That..." began with a pretty shocking plot twist — at the end of the
first episode, Big suddenly dies.
But even from beyond the grave, he and Carrie still have a few unresolved issues.
This all comes to light when Carrie discovers that Big left his ex-wife Natasha a million
dollars in his will.
Once she learns that Natasha also didn't know why Big left her the money, she realizes that
it was probably Big's way of "saying that he was sorry."
As numerous viewers of the show have pointed out, Carrie is still demonstrating toxic behaviors
even after Big's death.
Apparently, some things never change.
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