Trump has ruined a number of things this year from our health care system to our economy
to my annual Home Alone watch party where I cosplay as the sad grandpa neighbor. It’s
not a costume party for anyone else. But as Mike Rubens, Mike Brown, Amy Hoggart, and
Allana Harkin remind us, Trump has just ruined this year; he’s also ruined the last four.
Donald Trump kicked off his candidacy with a pleasant “hola!” to our southern neighbors:
- They’re rapists. Then kicked off his presidency with an exciting
preview of what was to come: - American carnage.
And boy, has he delivered! It’s been a clusterf*** sauteed in apocalypse sauce, simmered in a
rancid stew of corruption, nepotism, racism, and dictator-ism, all spiced with fires, hurricanes
and murder hornets, and also Prince, Bowie, Eddie, Aretha, Chadwick, John Lewis, and RBG
died. Yes, America, you’ve had the worst four years ever!
- The last four years has been like America has cancer and a third of the country is rooting
for the tumor. - The last four years was so bad, it bumped
Jared from Subway down to America’s second worst Jared.
- The last four years were so bad, we had to reboot the Civil Rights Movement.
If one thing defined the worst four years ever, it was stupid lies—starting with the
dummy-est dumb, dumb lie of them all: - This was the largest audience to ever witness
an inauguration, period! - Period!
- Period! - You just got Spiced! Period!
SPICERED! - Where is he? Did he finally just vaporize?
That spicy Spicer-ism led to this legendarily toxic emission:
- Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave... alternative facts.
- You know that feeling when what you’re saying is so evil you have to stop your soul
from escaping by swallowing it back down. - Alternative facts.
- These people lie like it’s nothing. Long-time White House correspondent April
Ryan sparred with both Trump and his many press hench-creatures.
- I’m sorry—, please stop shaking your head again.
- Who was the worst? I don’t know. I don’t know if it was Sean Spicer—, No, it was
worse when he was in Dancing with the Stars in that fluorescent green.
- Little known fact: one of Sean Spicer’s duties was to prep Stephen Miller for air
by using a roller to stimulate his nipples. And speaking of arousing Stephen Miller: racism!
- Very fine people on both sides. - I’m not saying this administration is
racist, but housekeeping can’t find any of the white sheets.
- Hey, Trump Administration! Jefferson Davis called. He wants his policies back!
But if we focus too much on how Trump is a racist who hates immigrants—
- These are animals. —we lose sight of how corrupt he is!
The New York Times says that Donald Trump has built a system of influence-peddling unrivaled
in modern politics. And people say that Donald Trump can’t build anything!
- It’s amazing that so many people had to leave this administration because of lies
and corruption. Because that’s exactly why they were hired.
And let’s not forget all of those in trouble with the law! And the guy who seems troubled
by the law! - Remember when we thought that Barr was going
to control Trump's worst impulses? It turns out he did, the same way Lucifer controlled
that girl from The Exorcist. - I’m not saying Donald Trump loves dictators.
Donald Trump is saying Donald Trump loves dictators.
- I like President Xi a lot. I think he’s a friend of mine.
- It’s a great honor to have the Crown Prince. We really have a great friendship.
- I got a very beautiful letter from Kim Jong Un.
- A beautiful letter from Kim Jong Un. - And they’re great letters. We fell in
love. And speaking of—
- President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.
- You know, who gives a f**k about Christmas stuff and decoration? But I need to do it,
right? Your reaction, April Ryan?
- I see why Christmas always looks so bad at the White House in the last four years!
Which leads us to the Worst Steve Award! Featuring Steve Bannon! Stephen Miller! And Steve Mmnnnush...Whatever!
And the award goes to… It’s Stephen Miller. Child separation policy?
- What Physicians for Human Rights, the Nobel Peace Prize winning organization, called a
“systematic campaign of torture of over 5400 children.”
- It’s just so unbelievably f****d up. - What the f***?!
- It’s so f*****! Okay! Let’s just move onto something a bit
more cheerful: COVID! [all cursing over each other]
What? We’re nearly out of time? Okay! Speed round of things Trump can’t do and/or has
ruined! Walking! Drinking! Holding hands with his wife! Holding hands with the Bible! Watching
eclipses! - I mean, does it matter? He can’t read
anyways. Red hats! Red ties! Twitter! The Presidential
Freedom Award! - Probably countless toilets.
Pardons! Faith in the electoral system! The Supreme Court! The Republican Party!
- Nah, they’ve sucked for a really long time.
He’s also very close to ruining democracy! So what are you gonna do?
[MIKE AND ALLANA] Vote! [AMY] Flee the country!
- I mean vote. I mean vote. That’s right! Let’s not have another…
Oh my god! Oh my god! The whole Ukranian bulls*** that he got impeached for! I totally forgot
about that! And the fomenting violence! And the wall! And the tax cut! And the conspiracy
theories...