We're doing a little confidence project today at Live on Purpose TV. How to
develop confidence with Tracy Bagli Hooper.
So Tracy, let's jump right in on this. Improving or developing confidence,
you're the expert what do you have for us?Well, let's start with this. It takes seven
tenths of a second for someone to get an impression of us. In just seven seconds
for them to decide if they like us or not. Wow! we need to make those seven
seconds count and it can begin with lots of non verbals. Eye contact or not,
looking at our cellphones. We're making eye contact with people. How you hold
your arms. You know if you have a closed body language or if you're more open.
Interestingly, there are all kinds of distractions that people don't even
think about that can lower their confidence but they don't even think
about it. Oh yeah. Professional interviewers tell us the
top three distractions are - people playing with their hair, there's lots of
this going on you know fluffing up their hair and it's not just a woman thing.
There's lots of this. There's many beards in the world. You know touching your face
and just you know playing with your facial hair. I was doing a workshop at a
big law firm and one of the senior partner says, "This is new for me. You know
I haven't had a beard for a while this is new for me. So I find myself playing
with it." Guys, him, this is your sphere of influence this is what people are
paying attention to. Your voice, is one of your most personal and it identifies you
personally and professionally. So keep your hands away from your hair on your
face and on your head. Number two the other thing is adjusting
glasses. So people don't know this that when you adjust your glasses, it makes
you seem like you're not confident and it's distracting and the third thing is
using the word like. So you can develop confidence by not playing with your hair,
not fidgeting, not adjusting those glasses and taking the word "like" out of
your vocabulary. Here's how you do that. You record yourself.
It's painful. Oh! you can hear how many times you use the word l"like" or other
"weak words". I call these weak words like "like" and "you know" and "just" and "a little".
And does that make sense? Am I making sense? Is this okay? Would it
be alright? Those are weak words and linguists call
those "hedges". So we're kind of wanting to soften the blow like we're not being too
aggressive. So we'll say, "Can I just ask you a quick question around this? It's
not that big a deal but I want to make sure it makes sense, would that be okay?"
That's a weak way of introducing ourselves and the best way to know
whether we do that, is to press record or have a conversation with a friend and
say, "Look, I'm just going to examine my my language. Right, and
may I please record our conversation." Press record and you'll hear how many
times you use those weak words. My go-to weak word, I'm embarrassed to say but I'm
working on it. Hmmm... is - "So". So, the next thing we're going to do
is..." "So", it's a to filler word. It doesn't mean anything. We usually use it to start
things off too. "So"... right. Exactly. As opposed to - "Let's get started." Yes. See I want to acknowledge
something to our viewers today. You have practiced this and you are a
professional. You come from the world of television, news, broadcasting. You've
practiced and intentionally worked on these skills that you're sharing with us.
Some of the things that get in our way, happen without or even acknowledging or
thinking about them often. Yes. So it takes an intentional practice to change
that sometimes or at least to become more aware of it to begin with. Yes, right,
absolutely. Thank you for acknowledging that because that's what these skills
are all about. These are not really difficult skills. They're smart skills
but they're relatively simple but not always easy and the best way to get
better is to practice. Look before Jerry Seinfeld
ever performed on The Tonight Show, he rehearsed his four-minute segment 200
times! Hmmm... That's why he sounded so smooth. Right and so the more we practice,
this is no different than playing chess or learning to play tennis or coding or
any other skill in our life. It takes practice.
Yes which follows the awareness which you will have more of if you will record
yourself. Yes. And face the harsh reality of what it is, what hedges are you making.
Yes and then once you've discovered that, then just learn to pause. I just use the
word just. Then learn to pause. If you pause right before you say that word
instead of "I just have a question around that." Instead say, "I have a question
around that." Yes. Taking out the word just. I had to think about it and you
don't have to... You know we have so much coming at us all the time. It feels like
we need to have an answer right away and we have to be quick and we need we do
need to be brief to get keep people's attention. Hm-hmm... And we also need to, I
think value the power of pause. Yes. For me to say, the most important thing you
can do after watching this video is practice. That pause, gets...
Power of the pause. Yes. Love it. Another way to develop confidence? Hmm... Is to lose
those... So those are weak words, "just", "a little", "would that be okay". Here's another
weak phrase "I'm sorry". Oh. It's big. In fact, it's so big that it has an... A phrase
it's called the "sorry syndrome". So two people going towards the same door, "Oh,
I'm sorry." As opposed to "After you" or going into a
crowded elevator. "Oh I'm sorry" as opposed to "Thank you for making space
for me". Have you noticed this? Lots... That's a huge
difference. Tracey, just as you were sharing that I felt different. It impacts me.
Yes. So much differently from you. Sorry I hadn't even thought about that. And how
about when you're getting emails? How many emails do you get to start off
with? "I'm sorry, it's taking me so long to get back with you, I'm sorry I've been
out of town, I'm sorry I'm overworked". Oh yeah. Here's what you say instead. "Thank
you. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your flexibility. Thank you for
your understanding". I wanted to wait to email you until I had the exact answer
from the marketing department. Gratitude not guilt. Right! Hmm... That's powerful. Very,
it's so fun. Once you... Like just getting rid of "I'm sorry" is a huge thing for
people. I have people email me now. I had a woman email me a client of last week
and she said, "I have not been ignoring you. I've been working on a big project".
And then in parenthesis she said, "Remember you told us not to say "I'm
sorry"? So I didn't start it off with "I'm sorry". It was so great. I was so proud of her.
Lead with the gratitude. Yeah. something positive. Something affirming. I have
another colleague Tracy, who uses the word "yes" to start every email. Wow!
So interesting. It'll say, "Dear Paul, yes we can do whatever" and then he goes
on to describe... He always leads with "yes". I'm stealing that. Every email that I get
from him. "Yes and he calls it the "magical power of yes". He actually uses that in
his keynotes and his trainings as well. Magic words. Magic words. And "no" is also
a good word. We need to set boundaries with people and when you use the word
"no" and in a civilized way, then you can move on with your day. How often
have you gotten an invitation to something either you don't want to go or
you don't... You don't want to go. Just email the people and say,
"Thank you so much for the invitation. I won't be able to attend. I hope it's a
very successful event. No I know we're not able to hire you. Thank you very much
for applying for the job. Very good luck to you.You know, no, I don't want it. I
don't think it's going to work out for us to date each other.
Take care. Use the word "no". It's a beautiful thing because then you're not
you know, you're not fooling around. You can just move on and so can they. When
you say "no", it not only gives you a chance to move forward but it helps
other people to move forward as well. Tracy, you just triggered one more for me
that I want to throw in. The word "but" and I think you've practiced this because
you said, "Thank you for your invitation. I won't be able to attend." You don't need
the "but". No, you don't. I tell my clients sometimes stay in front of your "but".
Which means whatever you say before the "but" just kind of go with that. "Thank you
for the invitation." See? Let that sink in. The power of the pause and then it's
okay to add "I won't be able to attend" Yes and "I wish you the best good luck
with your fundraiser. Good luck with that event." Right. "Very good luck with your job
search." The word "but" erases the "Thank you, I don't think we want to do that. No it
does exactly. Especially as we increase our confidence. Wow! Yeah There are all
kinds of small ways to increase our confidence. We think that people are just born
confident. Well, there is a part of confidence that's in our DNA but for
most people, as you know it's just a small part. The rest comes from taking
action. Taking action. Saying the word "thank you". Avoiding the word "I'm sorry".
Using the word "yes", using the word "no". Checking your posture. Posture is the
unsung hero of confidence. Doesn't going to have to open your mouth right? You can
just walk into a room with good posture. Sit at a meeting with good posture and
that exudes confidence. And that's encouraging for people
who may not feel confident in their life. Here are some small significant skills
that can make a huge difference and here's the other really cool thing. When
you enter a room with your shoulders back, with your chin level, with the
pleasant resting face, with eye contact, then it elevates everyone else. You were
saying this earlier Paul. It's like who is that person? Wow!
I want to meet her. I want to meet him. Tracy's referring to an interview that
we had on my podcast which I think you guys would also enjoy. This is an
experience that I had just recently where I practiced this and I would love
to give all of you viewers a little challenge to practice this somewhere
today. I don't care if you feel confident. That's not relevant right now. Show up as
if, try to appear as if you are confident. What would you stand like if you were
confident and and show up that way just as an experiment.
The example that I shared with Tracy is this concert that my wife and I attended
and as I was waiting for my wife to come out of the restroom, I decided
I'm going to try this and so I just stood tall. I wanted to be at least an
inch taller than I normally was so you know stretch that spine, get the
shoulders back just a little bit, chin level, pleasant face, people are going to
wonder what you're up to and what I experienced in that was an increase of
confidence and I imagined that everybody around me was looking at me and thinking
who is that? Who's that important person over there? I don't know if they were
thinking that or not Tracy but I imagined that they were and it increased
my own confidence. Yes, it was as if your body was telling your mind you're
confident. It wasn't your body, it wasn't your mind
saying, "I'm confident, you got to be confident, figure this out, fake it until
you make it." No, it's really as Amy Cuddy says the social psychologist Amy Cuddy.
"Fake it, until you become it". So it is your body convincing your mind that you
have this. That's such a cool thing that are... You know Amy Cuddy calls this the
personal powerlessness pose. Which is what were texting and yeah! It's just but
you pull your shoulders back then this is your personal power pose and it goes
a long way. I want to add one thing to that as well.
Please. Rather than faking it, I think we're practicing it. Yes! Better said.
Thank you for that. I appreciate that. It doesn't come naturally at first so it
feels like you're faking it. Remember just a little switching your own mind is, "I'm
practicing this. "Yep, yep. And practice makes permanent. Not practice makes
perfect. It's never perfect. You know we're all
can be clumsy and unskillful at times when we're trying to introduce ourselves
to somebody or remember somebody's name or but you know practice makes permanent.
You just keep at it and that's why you know how many shots did Michael Jordan
miss? I don't know. It's more than I ever have.
Wonderful. Thank you so much Tracy. Amazing contribution. Pleasure. Nice to be
with you. You know Tracy really is an expert in this area. I hope that you're
more of an expert now too that you've had this video. Comment down below about
what caught your attention.
I saw standing in the street