WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I HAVE
SOME SHOCKING NEWS.
THERE'S CHAOS IN THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WERE ENOUGH
PEOPLE LEFT TO QUALIFY FOR CHAOS.
( LAUGHTER ) HORSE PLAY, YES.
GRAB-ASS YOU BET.
CHAOS SEEMS AMBITIOUS AT THIS POINT.
IT ALL STARTED THIS MORNING, WHEN NBC NEWS REPORTED THAT,
OVER THE SUMMER, SECRETARY OF STATE AND SPOKESMODEL OF "JUST
FOR EYEBROWS," REX TILLERSON, OPENLY DISPARAGED TRUMP BY
REFERRING TO HIM AS A "MORON" AFTER A MEETING AT THE
PENTAGON.
HOLD ON THERE, REX!
HOLD ON THERE, TILLERSON!
NOBODY CALLS OUR PRESIDENT A MORON EXCEPT ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND OTHER WORLD LEADERS AND,
ULTIMATELY, HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, HERE'S THE DEAL:
WHY WOULD TILLERSON SAY SUCH A VICIOUS, ACCURATE THING ABOUT
HIS BOSS?
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, APPARENTLY TENSIONS CAME
TO A HEAD AROUND THE TIME TRUMP DELIVERED A POLITICIZED SPEECH
TO THE BOY SCOUTS, AN ORGANIZATION TILLERSON ONCE LED.
THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM MAD ( LAUGHTER )
SAYING "THEY'RE FINE PEOPLE" AT A NAZI RALLY?
EH.
GIVING GOLF TROPHIES TO HURRICANE VICTIMS?
SURE.
BUT THE JAMBOREE IS SACRED.
( LAUGHTER ) TILLERSON WAS PROUD TO BE THE
LEADER OF THE BOY SCOUTS.
DO WE HAVE A PHOTO?
THERE HE IS!
THERE HE IS, SITTING NEXT TO THE NATION'S MOST POWERFUL
BUTTERSCOTCH BARON.
YES.
OF COURSE, DONALD TRUMP IS DEALING WITH HUGE ISSUES RIGHT
NOW-- PUERTO RICO, LAS VEGAS, SADLY, NORTH KOREA-- SO,
NATURALLY, HE KEPT HIS EYE ON THE BALL AND LET THIS
TILLERSON STORY PASS.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS MORNING, HE TWEETED, "NBC
NEWS IS #FAKENEWS AND MORE DISHONEST THAN EVEN CNN.
THEY ARE A DISGRACE TO GOOD REPORTING.
NO WONDER THEIR NEWS RATINGS ARE WAY DOWN!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES.
IT GETS YOU.
YOU KNOW, WHAT'S LOVELY IS IN TIMES OF TROUBLE, DONALD
TRUMP IS ALWAYS THERE FOR HIMSELF: "THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS
TO THE BLACK HOLE IN MY HEART THAT WILL NEVER BE FILLED, AND
IS THE SHAPE OF MY DADDY."
THE THEORY BEING HIS FATHER DID NOT LOVE HIM WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER
AND WE'RE PAYING THE PRICE.
THEN, HOURS LATER, TILLERSON MYSTERIOUSLY-- AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHY, TOTALLY UNRELATED TO DONALD TRUMP-- DECIDED TO HOLD AN
IMPROMPTU PRESS CONFERENCE.
HE BEGAN BY DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR HIS JOB.
>> FIRST, MY COMMITMENT TO THE SUCCESS OF OUR PRESIDENT AND OUR
COUNTRY IS AS STRONG AS IT WAS THE DAY I ACCEPTED HIS OFFER TO
SERVE AS SECRETARY OF STATE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE IT IS.
AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HE SAID WHEN TRUMP MADE HIM THE OFFER:
"I DIDN'T WANT THIS JOB.
MY WIFE TOLD ME I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THIS."
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD
NIGHT AT THE TILLERSON HOUSE.
"HONEY, CAN YOU PASS THE POTATOES, OR IS THERE ANOTHER
MORON YOU'D LIKE ME TO WORK FOR?"
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TILLERSON WENT ON TO REFUTE
THE STORY.
>> TO ADDRESS A FEW SPECIFICS THAT HAVE BEEN ERRONEOUSLY
REPORTED THIS MORNING: THE VICE PRESIDENT HAS NEVER HAD TO
PERSUADE ME TO REMAIN A SECRETARY OF STATE, BECAUSE I
HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED LEAVING THIS POST.
>> Stephen: "CONSIDERED LEAVING THIS POST?"
NO.
"DREAMT ABOUT IT?" YES.
"FANTASIZED ABOUT IT WHILE I PLEASURED MYSELF IN AN
OVERSTUFFED CHAIR?" NO COMMENT.
AND-- AND-- IT'S A HARD ONE TO SHAKE OFF.
AND AS FOR HIS OPINION OF DONALD TRUMP, TILLERSON MADE THAT
CLEAR.
>> LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'VE LEARNED ABOUT THIS PRESIDENT,
WHOM I DID NOT KNOW BEFORE TAKING THIS OFFICE.
HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.
HE PUTS AMERICANS AND AMERICA FIRST.
HE'S SMART.
HE DEMANDS RESULTS WHEREVER HE GOES, AND HE HOLDS THOSE AROUND
HIM ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHETHER THEY'VE DONE THE JOB HE'S ASKED
THEM TO DO.
>> Stephen: "FOR INSTANCE, HE MAKES THEM HOLD UNCOMFORTABLE
PRESS CONFERENCES AFTER HE FINDS OUT THEY CALLED HIM A
MORON."
"VERY THOROUGH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HE HOLDS IT TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT IT DOES.
WHAT IT DOES.
SO THAT'S IT.
REX TILLERSON STOOD IN FRONT OF THE NATION AND VOUCHED FOR
DONALD TRUMP'S INTELLIGENCE.
WHICH MEANS HE CATEGORICALLY DENIES THE MORON THING, RIGHT?
>> CAN YOU ADDRESS THE MAIN HEADLINE OF THE STORY, THAT YOU
CALLED THE PRESIDENT A MORON?
AND IF NOT, WHERE DO YOU THINK THESE REPORTS ARE--
>> I'M JUST-- I'M NOT GOING TO DEAL WITH PETTY STUFF LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, THIS IS-- THIS IS WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ABOUT
WASHINGTON.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE TOTALLY SAID IT.
( LAUGHTER ) "I DON'T KNOW."
BUT, BUT, HERE'S THE THING-- TRUMP FELT TOTALLY VINDICATED,
TWEETING: I AGREE WITH THE PRESIDENT.
NBC NEWS DOES OWE US AN APOLOGY BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, TILLERSON
DIDN'T CALL OUR PRESIDENT A MORON.
HE CALLED HIM A "(BLEEP) MORON."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT "SECRETARIES OF STATE,
THEY'RE JUST LIKE US."
AND THIS AFTERNOON, TENNESSEE SENATOR-- TENNESSEE SENATOR
BOB CORKER EXPLAINED WHY IT WAS SO IMPORTANT THAT TILLERSON DID
NOT RESIGN.
>> I THINK SECRETARY TILLERSON, SECRETARY MATTIS, AND CHIEF OF
STAFF KELLY ARE THOSE PEOPLE THAT HELP SEPARATE OUR COUNTRY
FROM CHAOS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT!
WAIT, YOU'RE SAYING THIS ISN'T CHAOS YET?
THIS IS JUST FORPLAY TO CHAOS.
HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN THE CHAOS STARTS?
IS IT FROGZ?
IS IT LOCUSTS?
IS IT GOING TO RAIN BLOOD?
AND I WOULDN'T BLAME TILLERSON IF IF HE DID QUIT.
ON SATURDAY TILLERSON REASSURED US:
VERY REASSURING.
"WE ARE PROBING, SO STAY TUNED" IS WHAT MY DOCTOR SAYS AT MINUTE
31 OF MY ANNUAL CHECKUP.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST-- STAY TUNED.
WATCH THE TV.
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE TV WHILE I, UH, WHILE I CONTINUE
PROBING."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TRUMP IMMEDIATELY UNDERCUT
HIM, TWEETING, "I TOLD REX TILLERSON, OUR WONDERFUL
SECRETARY OF STATE, THAT HE IS WASTING HIS TIME TRYING TO
NEGOTIATE WITH LITTLE ROCKET MAN DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
SAVE YOUR ENERGY REX, WE'LL DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE!"
SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE MORON.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU REALIZE-- SOUND LIKE IT A
LITTLE BIT.
>> Jon: A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: A LITTLE BIT.
SIR, DO WHAT HAS TO BE-- DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE?
YOU REALIZE YOU'RE TWEETING THREATS OF NUCLEAR WAR TO A MAD
MAN!
REMEMBER WHAT THE FATHER OF THE A-BOMB, ROBERT OPPENHEIMER, SAID
WHEN HE SAW THAT FIRST BOMB GO OFF: "NOW I AM BECOME DEATH,
FROWNY EMOJI."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS SABER RATTLING BY
TRUMP MIGHT SOUND NUTTY, BUT APPARENTLY NUTTY IS EXACTLY WHAT
TRUMP WANTS, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT IN
OUR TRADE NEGOTIATIONS WITH SOUTH KOREA, TRUMP IS URGING HIS
STAFF TO PORTRAY HIM AS A "CRAZY GUY."
THAT'S WHY TRUMP'S CHANGING HIS HAT TO "MAKE PANCAKES TENNIS
AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S CRAZY.
THE HAT.
IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE NOW.
IN FACT, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT TRUMP WANTS OUR
FOREIGN POLICY TO BE GOOD COP/ BAD COP.
I THINK IT'S MORE LIKE GOOD COP/INSANE PRESIDENT.
"HEY, LOOK, LOOK, I'M SECRETARY OF STATE.
LET ME HELP YOU.
YOU WANT A GLASS OF WATER?
A SANDWICH?
LET'S TALK ABOUT ENDING YOUR NUCLEAR PROGRAM.
LISTEN, SON, YOU'D BETTER DEAL WITH ME, BECAUSE MY PARTNER'S
OFF THE RAILS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD, BUT HE'S A (BLEEP) MORON."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.