- Hey, everybody.
Today, I just wanted to talk about disappointment.
And even as I start that, I'm like,
"Wow, that doesn't sound very fun, Kati.
"Or very exciting."
But I think it's something that I need to talk about.
And hopefully my process,
and as I'm thinking this through,
kind of like, I don't know,
flight of ideas that I have
is helpful to you,
because 2020 has definitely been a year,
for me, of disappointment.
There's also been great things,
and I don't want to downplay those or ignore those.
But for the sake of this video,
I want to talk specifically to disappointment,
because disappointment's such an uncomfortable feeling,
and when we feel uncomfortable feelings,
we want to run the other direction.
Totally get it, definitely do that.
But because there's been so many disappointments,
whether it was a big vacation we had planned,
like I talked earlier about grief
and how much I think we're grieving that,
and I really think as we come to the end of this year
a lot of us can be feeling, you know,
fully disappointed with what took place.
Maybe we had a wedding that was planned.
Maybe, you know, we thought we'd get to travel more,
or could be any number of things.
A big birthday celebration,
seeing family,
and then the holidays, right?
We can have a lot of expectations,
and that's really,
as I was thinking about my feelings of disappointment,
it really boils down to the expectations
that I had about this year.
And the problem with this
is the fact that we had no control over the pandemic
and what happened
and it can be really depressing
and really difficult to deal with.
And I just want you to know
that it's okay to feel disappointed.
Something that I've been trying to lean into
is allowing myself to just feel sad and cry
when I watch the news
and see a lady that's talking about losing her business,
and then call my mom
and have to recognize that I can't go home,
because I'm worried about getting people sick,
or getting my grandma sick,
and ugh, it's just, it's a lot.
The weight is a lot.
And so I want you to know
that it is okay to feel disappointed.
I think it's even healthy for us to kind of take stock
of the things that we thought were going to happen
and what happened.
And again, we're grieving.
I know I've talked a lot about this this year,
but I feel like 2020 is the year of grief,
is grieving the difference between those things, right?
What we thought and what actually took place.
And taking stock of a year can be helpful in that way.
It can also give us space for the sadness
and the upset and the disappointment that we feel,
because we all know,
and I talk about this all the time,
is like if we're going to stuff something down
or we're going to pretend that we don't feel that way,
it only erupts in other ways.
Like I'm seeing it happening out in Los Angeles right now
where people are cutting people off and shouting,
and even online we see it
in troll accounts and bullying
and people, you know, people create horrible content
just to put other people down.
And I really think that speaks
to just the upset we're feeling ourselves
and the anger that we have with this disappointment, right?
Expectations versus reality.
And that can be really,
it can be a tough pill to swallow.
And so know that it's okay to feel it,
and the more we,
the more time we offer ourselves to feel it,
I think the better off we will be.
However, as the therapist in me,
something I've been trying to manage myself,
is I can't be disappointed all day.
I can't feel like shit,
and feel defeated all the time,
because then I couldn't get the things
I need to get done every day.
I couldn't film this video.
I couldn't interact with my friends or family,
and I'll just feel bad, right?
Unmotivated.
And so set aside some time to do it.
And then, I mean, I even set alarms on my phone.
Then when it goes off, I
I stop feeling sorry for myself.
And it's not that the feeling goes away completely,
but I did allow myself to feel it
for a period without letting it
pull me into the pit of despair,
or, you know, depression, anxiety,
and all the things that can come along with life,
and especially 2020.
And I also kind of want to talk a little bit
about the fact that we're talking about this new year.
And I worry about this,
that we talk about it like
2021 is all of a sudden,
like everything's fixed,
it's better.
And again, expectations are high.
And I just want to draw our attention to that,
because I would encourage each of us,
that's something I'm trying to practice right now,
is like managing my expectations for next year,
because that's like, what?
Less than a week away?
It's coming really fast.
And I don't know how different things are going to be.
And so if we can manage those expectations,
and I'm saying this to myself, you guys.
This is like, I'm like video journaling right now.
Is if I can manage my expectations,
and I can say to myself, like,
"Hey, you know, at the stroke of midnight
"on December 31st as it rolls into January 1st,
"I recognize that things are not going to magically change."
However, I do hope to,
these are things I hope for.
I do hope to see my family in Montreal.
I do hope to see my family in Washington.
And I do hope for Sean and I
to be able to take a real vacation.
I do hope for those things.
But I also, again,
it's the expectations,
because I really think
the crux of disappointment is expectations,
and expectations,
like I talked about in the video last week,
is like if we don't acknowledge them
and communicate them,
but in this case,
it's like personally acknowledge them.
Then we're kind of running around with these,
these things, these rules,
these, these hopes for the future
that we have no control over,
and we're almost setting ourselves up for failure.
You know what I mean?
And so it's like,
I don't want us to have two grand of expectations for 2021.
That's not saying we can't dream and hope and love and plan,
but we have to know that things can be shifted.
We want to make sure we're able to cancel those flights,
and rearrange those plans,
and that it won't be devastating.
And so that's really my work personally,
during this time and during this holiday period,
where I have time off,
which is so lovely and we all need it, right?
Is to consider what my hopes are for next year.
Look, take a look at my expectations.
What are my plans?
What do I hope happens?
What am I expecting to take place?
And are these expectation things I have control over?
Or are there parts of it that I have no control over?
Because I was talking about this on a live stream,
or maybe a podcast recently,
about how I think control is completely an illusion.
Like even though we think, "Oh, I can control myself."
There's still outside things that can affect,
like a pandemic,
can completely affect my life
and I have no control over that.
And so the more I can kind of let go
of that illusion of control,
and the more I can just be aware of my expectations,
you know, take a look at reality,
maybe grieve the difference,
but just the awareness,
I feel like in a in a way is difficult but healing,
because if I can set my expectations for 2021
to be like, "You know what, I survived 2020,
"and Sean and I did okay being at home
"and stuck in our apartment."
And I, my hope for 2021 is
that we are able to find a home for us that's bigger,
so we have a little bit more space,
and then I can continue creating.
Those are things I want to do, right?
And then I'd love to see family,
but those are expectations that I'm going to manage,
that I'm going to say,
"I'd love to have that happen,
"but I also recognize that it might not happen
"in the timeframe that I want."
In a way, I know this sounds silly,
but it's like that self-talk.
Instead of talking up what 2021 can be,
I'm going to talk about it
in a like a more balanced way, right?
We talk a lot about negative or positive thoughts,
and finding these balanced thoughts in between.
And when expectations,
we can have like no expectations,
or really low expectations,
and we can have extremely high expectations.
And I'm asking myself,
and everybody if you're interested,
to try to find out what a managed middle ground
balanced expectation can be.
And it might be something like, you know,
these are the things that I would like to do.
And I understand that if it can't happen,
that I'll be able to do it soon.
I just don't know when,
and I'm going to have to wait for those things.
But here's other things that I can control
and expectations I do have.
and it's just bringing awareness,
because the disappointment is real.
And I'll be honest.
Like, I can't talk about it too much,
or I'll start crying again.
And I don't really like doing that on video.
It makes me uncomfortable.
I have a vulnerability hangover.
But I definitely think that the disappointment
that we're feeling is real.
I just want you to know that I feel it too.
I don't know if that gives you any sense of comfort
or at least like you're not alone,
and acknowledging that sometimes feels heavy,
but I think it's important that we do it,
and that we manage our future expectations
so that we don't feel so disappointed come January 1st
when things don't magically change.
So yeah, I'm trying to pay attention to that and not let,
and here's another,
I guess the last thing we'll talk about,
is like I don't want to let disappointment
make decisions for me,
because I've heard that from a lot of viewers,
a lot of family members,
is that, "But I miss you,
"and I'm sad, and this year was so hard.
"I'd really love to see you."
And we can use guilt and disappointment
as ways to make decisions in our life.
And that's not the way I want to run my life.
I don't want to make decisions
out of that kind of thought process.
I can, and I know this sounds really crazy,
but we can hold and feel disappointed and sad
and still do the thing that we're doing
that maybe we feel is causing that.
And I know that sounds like crazy making,
but right now disappointment is just palpable.
And the more we try to avoid it
and run from it by, you know, making other decisions,
or trying to control something else,
like I've heard from a lot of you
that the urge to control other things in our life
is like really intense right now.
Instead of trying to do that and distracting myself with it,
what if I just feel disappointed,
acknowledge it for what it is,
let myself feel it.
Still do the thing that I know I need to do
for safety and for myself and the health of my family,
and everybody's decision is going to be different,
but I'm going to make that decision.
And that doesn't mean that I can't feel disappointed,
because, you know, sometimes don't you feel
like no matter what you do, you're disappointed.
Like it's sad and depressing for Sean and I
to be spending the holidays here just the two of us.
Not that I don't love him,
but it's like we usually see family.
We usually interact with people,
and that's part of what fills me up.
It's like that breath in,
and that time out away from our house
where I don't feel the urge to do more work.
And I can feel sad and disappointed about that,
but it's also it could be really sad
and scary and disappointing
if we went into a situation
and put others that we love in danger.
And so it's almost like either way,
it's like damned if we do,
damned if we don't.
And it's okay to feel those things
and still make that decision.
And anyway, just a reminder,
it's okay to feel the disappointment.
We're all experiencing it.
And I would encourage you to share in the comments
are there things that you have done to kind of
help set yourself up for success in 2021?
What are some managed or balanced expectations you have?
I know that's the work that I'm going to be doing.
And I would encourage you to just check in on yourself
and do that as well,
so that we are set up for success,
so that we can roll into 2021 hopeful
with good thoughts, good excitement,
and things that we know can happen.
And then some of those balanced managed expectations
for things that we hope would happen.
You know, recognizing that there are
things out of our control.
Let us know.
I'm very curious and I hope this was helpful.
It's something I've been struggling with,
and something that I'm feeling a lot of.
And I thought maybe if I shared it with you,
they always say like, you know, when you're,
it's like a worry shared is halved.
And so hopefully you feel like maybe
it's halved for you too.
Have a wonderful and happy new year.
2021 is going to be wonderful.
I just want us all to feel wonderful about it,
even if it doesn't quite go as planned,
because we all know, you know,
what's the saying?
It's like we make plans and God laughs.
So we want to make some well-managed plans
and things that are reasonable,
so that we can feel good about it,
and feel good about this new year.
I love you all!
Happy New Year!
I hope you get to spend some time
with some people you care about,
even if it's Zooming or FaceTiming.
Get that connection.
Don't forget to shake it out
if you're feeling really stressed.
That always helps too.
But I will see you in 2021.
Bye!
(gentle music)