That was very nice.
Thank you for that standing ovation.
I could say it does sort of
look like they're happy I'm leaving.
Yeah, yeah.
(laughing)
That's what it looks like to me.
It's like, almost die yet, you know what I mean?
Yeah, you really should probably talk
to your therapist about that.
I do yeah.
My therapist, ha ha, you should've gotten gone.
Our time is up.
My therapist stands and applauds when I leave.
(laughing)
Yes, you do Toby. Ha ha ha, oh, oh, now we know. Huh.
Very nice though,
we're just gonna running things down here.
Our last show on TBS is next Thursday, June 24th.
(audience booing)
Yeah. Yeah.
5 shows left before we wrap up the nightly format,
and then I'm off to learn my children's names.
(laughing and clapping)
I know.
The boy is Ben.
All you've ever called them around me is
boy and girl.
Boy and girl.
Yeah, yeah.
Good enough.
Still feels weird to be around so many people, you know.
I've noticed that some people actually
lost weight during the pandemic.
Yeah, it's true. Yeah. Yeah.
We call those people assholes.
(laughing and clapping)
Who does that?
Actually, I'm going to miss doing "The Nightly Show",
but our plan is to eventually re-emerge
on HBOMax at some point, in some new form,
and uh,
(audience cheering)
I got news for you.
This is exciting, I'm told we have,
this is exciting,
an HBOMax executive here tonight,
who wants to say a few words.
I think this is cool.
'Cause I might learn something, too.
Let's bring them out. Let's find out what's going on.
(audience cheering)
Hey, how are you?
Put her there.
Wonderful, wonderful.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
I'll assume that applause is for HBOMax,
and why not?
Hi, everyone. And hi, Conan.
I'm Howell Brian O'Neill,
and I just wanted to come out here and express to you
how really excited we are about the possibility
of you joining the HBOMax family.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's nice.
I have to tell you for a long time, I have felt that
HBO was the standard of excellence
in television programming.
I really feel that way.
Well, you've got that right.
And with your zany sense of humor
and stellar people skills,
you will be at diamond level in no time.
I'm confused.
What do you mean diamond level?
Oh, oh, well, once you're all signed up
with the show you start at the bronze level, right?
And then silver, and then gold.
And then the platinum level.
The only shows the biggest to the platinum level,
enjoy a fruit basket. All right.
How about those pears, "Mayor of Easttown"?
Those are pretty good, right?
You've earned them.
(eating sounds)
Mimed eating a pear, uh.
A juicy, ripe pear.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry, I'm so confused right now.
What do you mean?
How do you get to platinum level?
What is that?
Well, here, I'll just explain to you exactly how it works.
You get a show going, and by giving us your credit card,
and letting us hold $10,000 for incidentals.
Wait a minute.
My assumption was I would get a show on HBOMax
and you guys would pay me?
Oh no, that's a popular misconception, but uh,
TV has changed, and HBOMax is leading the way.
So, I guess by making me pay you to make a show,
is that right?
Yes. Well, why should we invest in you
if you won't invest in you?
So, it's sort of like I have to spend money to make money.
Yes, exactly.
You got it.
And in fact, I have a little visual aid here
Oh.
that will make all of this perfectly clear.
Then just let me remove this.
There we go.
See.
The way it works, Conan,
is that once we process your payment,
you just need to bring in 4 other shows.
And then each of those shows will bring in 4 shows.
And if you bring in enough shows, Conan, altogether,
you get to keep your show.
That's how "Entourage" lasted as long as it did.
(audience clapping)
With no conflict.
This just looks like a pyramid scheme.
No, I don't see that at all.
I'd say it's more of an upside down ice cream cone.
It's an actual pyramid.
Oh, well, Conan, let me ask you a question.
What's better than show business?
I guess nothing.
Wrong.
Door-to-door selling.
And for every new show that you bring in,
you'll start earning double Max Points
that you can use toward exciting HBOMax premium products.
Like for instance, these beautiful earrings.
Take a look at those.
Gorgeous.
Yeah.
Conan, you can give these to your wife.
Yeah, I don't think my wife would wear those.
Well, as long as someone in your family does,
you'll be fulfilling your contract.
Doesn't matter who.
The more I hear about this,
the less I'm sure that HBOMax is the place for me.
Well, Conan, why don't you just stop by our offices,
and we will change your mind quick.
We have free massages.
Yes, that's right.
We have a permanent freelance masseur
roaming the halls, who goes by the name of "Stop It".
(audience laughing)
I don't think so.
I don't think I'm going to do it.
Oh, one of the best things about HBOMax
is that in a couple of months,
they will brand you with this super cool symbol,
right above your pubic mound.
Do you know where the pubic mound is?
I know where the pubic mound is.
Do you want to see mine?
No, I don't wanna see your pubic mound.
What it is, is an H crossed with a B,
and the the O forms my initials.
That's fantastic.
That's how it works.
Howell Brian O'Neill, thank you very much.
(audience cheering)
Let's hear it for my money, I think,
the best sketch player alive, Andy Daley.
(audience cheering)
I've never,
never, ever, ever seen this guy
be anything less than hilarious.
You are a remarkable person.
Oh, stop.
What I know is that you really called me out here
'cause I forgot to take the prop.
(O'Brien laughing)
Remarkable, remarkable man.