Doug: Alright, this is our second round
filming our first review of....
What we're so excited to see "Fan 4 Stick," as everybody calls it.
Rob's already prepped up here as you can see.
I got whiskey!
Rob: Well, then, bring the vodka back.
According to Simon Kinberg on adapting the Fantastic Four comic books in the film:
"this Fantastic Four movie is sort of a celebration of all the Fantastic Four comics that have preceded it."
Doug: Did we see the same trailer? I don't even remember the trailer looking like that!
Rob: Give me that.
Somehow I don't think that's what we're gonna see.
Doug: We're just gonna start watching it. So here we go.
Rob: Twentieth Century Fox!
We finally made a decent X-Men movie starring no X-men but two.
Doug: Oh, they emphasized the 'F'!
Like instead of the 'X'?
Oh that's stupid.
Hehe. A foreshadow of things to come.
Rob: Yeah
Fantastic Four:
Junkyards.
Brooding music.
Jimmy Grimm: It's clobberin' time.
Come here. What'd ya think.
Doug: Really?
Rob: Fantastic!
I'm sorry, but did we end up in The Explorers reboot
Rob: Right?
No. I imagine this is like Doc Brown's device back in the wild west: it's just gonna make a block of ice.
Doug: Awesome!
I made weed!
Not that bad of an opening, honestly.
Rob: Uh, yeah... And that's what concerns me.
Reed: It modulates the frequency of matter from one location to another back again
It's a teleporter.
Doug: Oh come on! I could follow that, how could a teacher not follow that?
Rob: Is this pre Betsy Devos or post?
Teacher: You're disqualified.
Rob: Uh...
Excuse me!
Doug: So many questions.
Rob: He blew up the basketball thing.
Even if you don't think that plane went into the desert, he did that!
Doug: Yeah. Rob:He fucking did that!
Fuck you, Homer Simpson, he fucking did that!
Doug: You just go to Kids Fairs, huh?
Rob: Yeah, do you think this is how NASA works?
"How are we gonna get into space?"
Doug: "SCHOOL FAIR!"
Rob: "Aha, this paper mache volcano taught me everything!"
Doug: That's gonna be The Thing?
Rob: He's the muscle.
Doug: Yeah, he looks really muscular.
They really don't turn the lights on in their school, do they?
You need a flashlight just walked through the hallway.
Rob: The Altogether Kinda-Uninteresting Blur Four!
Reed: So, you like music?
Doug: "No I hate it."
"HATE music!"
Rob: Just build yourself an inflatable woman, already!
Susan: Here you are, Captain Nemo.
Rob: "Uh, that's Mr. Fantastic, thank you!"
TV: Victor Von Doom is on here.
Rob: Aaaand can't take seriously.
Director Storm: He deserves another chance.
Doug: Give to him another chance!
Rob: I'm just waiting for this movie to, like, punch me in the face.
So far, this is not God-awful....
Doug: Borat?
Hehe. Borat Dinklage.
It sounds like a Ducktales villain!
Rob: "Bless me bagpipes!"
"It's Von Doom!"
TV: Baking soda volcanoes?
Rob: Oh, my God. They made a baking soda volcano reference.
I was five steps ahead of this movie!
It's trying to be all meta by like:
"Well, we're going to make fun of the fact that this guy spouting cliches by having the other characters make fun of the cliches."
But really
you're still using a bunch of cliches
actually making it more obvious that you're falling back on cliches.
That can't be Johnny Storm!
"Why? Cuz he's black?"
No, because he's not that lame!
Johnny: Is that . . . Adolf?
Doug: Why do you need to make fun of his name?
His natural name has already been made fun of!
Rob: [singing] Science montaaaaage.
Science-y thiiiiings!
Doug: Typing. Music going Dee doot dee doot dee doot dee doot! Ha ha. Chinese food?
Rob: That says they have time to, like, socialize. Doug: You eat Chinese and laugh. That's, uh . . .
That's a lot of character, there.
Susan: I gotta say, it's fun having you here.
Doug: Yeah, that's the word I'd use to describe- Rob: You haven't had a conversation yet!
Did they share a line of dialogue yet? Doug: "You don't understand: we ate Chinese!
We laughed! That's fun to us!"
Rob: I didn't think I'd say this, but can we get Von Doom in the silly outfit already?
Doug: You know, thank God these superhero things happen to people named "Storm" and "Doom." I mean, if it just happened to a guy named "Bob"...
Director Storm: Answers to questions we don't even know to ask yet.
Rob: Like will there be a sequel. No.
Doom: I could use some . . . [whistles]
You want a drink? Rob: Oh, you said it buddy!
Doug: TURN ON A LIGHT!
FUCK! Turn on a light!
Reed: Who's gonna have my back? Doug: "Well, not me. I'm, like, two pounds."
He's taller than him! How is he gonna have his back?!
Johnny: I'm sorry, this Borat-
Rob: Fuckin - Oh my God. Oh my God! Doug: This is weird.
We're making these jokes before they're happening.
Rob: But you know what that's a problem
If I say he looks like Borat, and then they mention that he looks like Borat, then the movie's just stating the obvious.
Doug: It's like in Waterboy, where they make the teacher look like Colonel Sanders,
and in, like, 20 minutes in it's like "he called colonel Sanders! Ha ha!" Like, yeah,
we all saw that and got that, like, immediately.
You know, I was gonna say that having their faces covered is not good, because we can't see their expressions...
But it's so dark anyway, we wouldn't see them, regardless
Christ is that not interesting.
It's just not an interesting world. Rob: Sure, why not, let's just walk on it.
Doug: This is why you didn't go! This is why we didn't send you. You're bad scientists. Rob: Yeah.
Doug: "Ah! Something! Run! There's finally something in this movie!"
Rob: "Man, it's been like an hour! I didn't expect plot to happen!" Oh no, power went out of New York.
I've never seen that before in any comic book movie.
"Can you suck your own dick? We've been asking that question since you got here. We're so curious.
Can you stick your own head up your ass?
Can you strangle yourself with your own neck? Like, we got a billion of these, pal!"
Doug: [loses it]
I don't like this dark reboot of Goonies!
Rob: Do we just get to skip all the scenes where they have to, like, kind of react and deal with their powers and, like-
Doug: I guess so. Rob: You gotta know Susan Storm is like "fuck you assholes!
I have these powers because you dicks went into this thing and were like:
'hey, save us! Do science-y things!' And I did my science-y things and then I get shit!"
Doug: Yeah, I can't tell she's pissed off or if that's just her normal look, like everyone else.
Remember when Johnny was, like, the show-off, and fun and goofy and . . . what's even his character?
What's any of their characters?
He's watching the movie we wish we were watching. Even the bright sunny day . . .
Rob: That bright sunny day was the color of puke!
Reed: Does it hurt? Rob: Being in this movie, yes.
Doug: "Can I brood with you?"
Reed: They made it ugly
Rob: A line that defines this fucking movie!
"You made it ugly."
Doug: Oh, he smiled. Hey hey! Rob: Hey, he smiled! Woo! Take a shot!
He smiled! This may be the only fucking shot I do during this whole thing! Huh huh!
Director Storm: Johnny, you need to listen to me- Johnny: I did listen you, and that's what got me here in the first place!
Doug: I agree.
There's way too much listening in this movie.
Scientist: Do you have a visual?
Rob: Yes, we have a visual. "Can you describe it?" No, it's uninteresting.
Wait, we have a new visual kind of silly.
Doug: He turned into a mech turtle.
It's like I'm playing of really inferior version of System Shock or something. Doug: "I am the crash kill Dummy."
So far, he's used to stretchy powers to push people and jump over a rail. Fantastic!
See Bruce Campbell flying by - "Ahhhh!"
Rob: "My God! how do you stop it?"
Doug: Von Doom is like "I guess I should destroy the world . . . I guess."
Rob: It'd be so much better if Von Doom had like the voice of Archer. "Oh my God. I can't believe you guys still trying to attack!"
Doug: Oh no, giant rock. I only have, like, a million rocks to throw at this giant rock.
Rob: "Okay, keep trying, guys." They're like the Dane Cook of Superhero teams!
Reed: Enough!
Doug: "Ok. That worked. That word he said? I'm out."
Rob: "You know, I was gonna do it, but he enough 'enough,' so I'm totally gonna stop now and - Oops! Fooled you!"
What? What what just happened? I dunno. Doug: "I don't know, but we did it together."
Rob: Hooray, we did that!
Doug: We kinda suck . . .
Rob: Oh really? Three people worked on the screenplay, and it was produced by seven people, and it somehow didn't come out good?!
You don't say!
Doug: Philip Glass?? What?! Rob: Philip Glass is slumming it.
Doug: Well, let's be honest,
has he ever really started? You know, it's like the movie itself is so embarrassed to be Fantastic Four that they
could never verbally say it out loud.
Rob: Until the very end-
Doug: No! They didn't say it! Rob: That's right! They fucking cut-
All three of them seem like perfectly decent actors, so it's not like I'm sitting here
going, like, "oh everybody's bad."
But the script gave them no lines to chew on! Doug: I'd much rather have something take a risk and fail,
than something play it safe, bland, not interesting all the way through. Because at least the failure will leave an impact.
Rob: I will play the first movie left more of an impact. Doug: Yeah, I remember it!
Rob: And it was like, I remember how bad this movie is. Doug: Yeah.
And that about it and uh... And we see you next time. Bye!
Rob: [groans] Doug: Bad movie . . .