-Hi, and in this video, you're going to learn
how to activate a man's love by listening differently.
[music]
Hi there, Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection, and relationship coach.
I'm a former attorney, who's committed his life
to supporting women like you in creating these fun,
fulfilling, dynamic connections and relationships with men
that you are so worthy of.
This is such an important topic because listening truly is the cornerstone
of all successful relationships.
I'm going to give you a key differentiator so you can determine whether or not
the listening that you're doing is helping your relationship or hurting it.
I talk about this stuff with my clients all the time.
We're going to dive into it in just a second.
But before we do, take a second, hit that little subscribe button.
Don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training that's going to make a huge difference
in your connections and relationships with men.
It's not a secret that listening is an important part
of any successful relationship.
It truly is the foundational building block of trust and intimacy
and connection with your partner.
Even though that may be common knowledge,
it's interesting that a lot of people don't listen well.
I'm not here to throw you under the bus,
but I would like you to look at the listening that you
and your partner have or have had in the past
because listening in relationship falls into two main categories.
You have reactive listening and you have reflective listening.
That distinction is going to make a huge difference in your connections with men.
Reactive listening is what most people do.
As the name sounds, you might be able to figure it out.
It means that we are responding reactively,
reflexively to whatever it is that someone is sharing with us.
What does that mean?
It means that we're not really thinking about the nature of our response
or about what our partner needs,
why they're sharing with us in the first place.
What does reactive listening look like in practice?
Well, one of the biggest ways is taking things personally and getting defensive.
Your partner is trying to share with you something and you make it about you.
For example, if he says that he's really stressed out and feeling burdened,
your mind immediately jumps to, "Oh my gosh,
I must be a burden to him.
I must be the one stressing him out.
That's why he's sharing those feelings with me."
Then you might get aggressive., you might get defensive with him,
and you might shut down.
Another example is if he's sharing with you a problem
or challenge that he's having,
and you just automatically go into fix-it mode,
and just start giving them advice and telling him
what he should do to change it,
without fully knowing what it is that he actually needs from you.
This is just two of the many ways that we can be listening reactively.
What are we doing when we're listening reactively?
We're making it about us.
We're making it about our feelings, our positions.
We're not making it about what that other person needs
or what their intentions may be behind it.
When we do that, the effects can be huge.
Reactive listening creates conflict, especially when you're being defensive.
You're taking things personally,
and you're shutting down or attacking him for his vulnerability.
It also undermines intimacy and vulnerability for men,
which is so important for us,
especially if we're not used to being vulnerable in relationship.
It also sets a bad example for men for their own listening.
Remember, you are the conductor
of the emotional and communicative aspects
of your relationship.
You are the one demonstrating to him what it means to be
a communicator in relationship.
If you're listening from a shutdown reactive space,
he's going to think that that's how you do it.
He's going to give that same thing back to you, which you know you don't want.
Over time, reactive listening creates disconnection
and distance and can end up sabotaging
or ending an otherwise healthy relationship.
Clearly, this isn't what we want.
You're in luck because there is another way,
reflective listening.
Just the term reflective listening includes a key term,
reflection, that illustrates one of the fundamental principles
of relationship, of a healthy relationship,
that you and your partner are mirrors for each other.
Reflective listening is when you allow yourself to experience
and reflect upon what it is that your partner
is sharing and what they need from you,
and then respond intentionally in a way that best fits the needs of the situation.
Basically,
reflective listening is listening from a space where you're making
the conversation about them.
In other words, reflective listening is conscious listening.
It's listening that's dedicated and committed to serving
and supporting the sharer,
the person who is reaching out to you,
in a way that builds understanding and intimacy between the two of you.
Here are two questions to consider when you're reflectively listening
to what your partner is sharing with you.
The first question is,
what is motivating your partner to share and what do they want or need from you?
Are they just looking to vent and they need you to hold space for them?
Or are they looking for advice and support and guidance from you?
Or maybe they're just looking for emotional support.
One big way to answer that question is to look at the energy behind his words,
look at the context behind the situation.
As an intuitive connected woman, you should be able to sniff it out.
Once you identify what it is that they want
or need from you, you'll be able to give that to them in the way that you respond,
in a very intentional, loving way, which he will totally appreciate.
If it's not clear, you are welcome to ask,
"How can I support you?" This is a powerful question
that when someone is sharing their stories with you,
their challenges with you,
you are welcome to say,
A, that you appreciate.
I appreciate your sharing that with me,
and "How can I support you?" Then that gives them the opportunity
to clearly ask you for exactly what it is that they need.
Reflective listening has so many great effects
on your relationship.
First off, your partner will feel comfortable
being vulnerable with you and sharing with you
what it is that's coming up for them, which is incredibly important,
especially for men.
Secondly, both you and your partner will get the support that you need
because he'll be following your lead,
and he'll be listening reflectively to you as well.
Lastly,
you'll both learn from and understand each other so much deeper
because your understanding of your shares, won't be cut off by your triggers
and your defensiveness and your walls going up.
The next time your partner is sharing something with you,
I want you to check-in and ask yourself,
"Am I listening reactively, or am I listening reflectively?
Is my listening about him or is it about me?"
If you're able to check in with yourself and come back
into alignment with your intention to create a vulnerable,
loving, safe space by listening reflectively,
it's going to activate his love,
deepen your relationship and create a win-win for both of you.
I hope you enjoyed this video.
If you did take a second, hit that little subscribe button,
and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption.
I have created some great training.
It's going to make a huge difference in your dating and relationships with men.
Thanks so much. I'll see you in my next video.
Bye-bye.