Alright, this is a story about when I was 11 years old
And my brain decided to go all screwy and have itself a seizure
And seizures aren't very fun, I wouldn't recommend having any
Especially if you're eleven
Alright, so my friend Steven is over my house
And he brought his dumbass little brother Matt along with him
We're in my room Steven's playing his GameBoy
And Matt and I are playing some Pokemon cards, we're having a good ol' time
Now normally I would whip Matt's ass at pokemon cards six ways to Sunday, but on this day
The unimaginable was happening
I'm sitting there on the ropes
I got my shitty-ass little Weedle card
He's over there, he's got a Blastoise on steroids
Thing's got like Mark McGwire arms and shit
"Let's hit some dingers!"
Jesus Christ, I'm about to lose to Steven's Little brother!
What kind of piece of shit loses to Steven's little brother?
So I pick up a card, I'm hoping for a miracle at this point
And lo and behold, a miracle does happen!
Everything goes black!
I fall over like a sack of potatoes
And I start foaming at the mouth like a wild animal
I'm having what some people would call a seizure
And I didn't even get to have one of the fun seizures
You know, when you're flopping around like a fish, no
I just laid there, half-dead, eyes wide open, what a ripoff!
Now, Steven and Matt, they see this whole thing and they think I'm faking it
"Ah, come on, I was just about to win!"
"Stop laying there being an asshole!"
Who the hell knows how longI laid there before my dad finally walked in
"Hey, what kind of shit do you guys want in your hotdogs?"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Uh, I want ketchup! Ah, yeah, ah, we think your son's dead"
Now, I don't remember any of this
Because my brain doesn't work anymore apparently
The next thing that I did remember is waking up on the couch with everybody staring at me
"What the hell? Why is everybody staring at me?"
What is this? Some kind of shitty-surprise birthday party?
The paramedics bust through the door
They carry me to the ambulance, I'm still completely oblivious to what's going on
"Uh, you know I can walk, right? I have legs that work"
"Yeah, but you don't have a fucking brain that works, apparently"
So we're at the hospital, trying to figure out why my brain suddenly turned into a bowl of mashed potatoes
My mom's absolutely positive that the reason I had a seizure
Was because of all those nights I stayed up playing Nintendo 64
It was that goddamn Pokeytron Stadium, I know it!
But me personally, I know exactly what happened
The thought of me losing to Steven's stupid-ass little brother
was so abstract to my brain that it tried to explode itself
That's the only logical reason
So at this point I have to have an MRI done
And if you've never had an MRI done before and you don't know what the hell on earth this is
It's when they slide into this big tube so they can take pictures of your broken-ass brain
Now, I'm not a claustrophobic person
Or maybe I should say: I wasn't a claustrophobic person before the MRI
There's something about being strapped down and put into a giant tube that kinda makes you feel uneasy
[I'm never getting out of this thing. I'm gonna die and stay here forever]
So I'm a little apprehensive
The nurse comes over and she's like: "It's okay to be nervous"
"We're gonna put some music through these earbuds to help ease your mind"
"What kind of music do you like?"
"Uhm, you guys got any Limp Bizkit?"
"Uhm, let me check"
*clicks the music button*
[Do you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man]
Ah yeah, perfect As if this couldn't get any worse
So they slide me into this tube of hell
"Okay, this machine's a little noisy, just try to focus on your music"
[BRRRRRRRBBZZZZZZTTTBPPPPPPPPPPPPPP BUNCH OF RANDOM TORMENTING MRI SOUNDS]
Ah yeah, a little noisy, that's a bit of an understatement, don't you think?
So much really goddamn Muffin Man, I can't hear anything
Well, there I am, completely stuck in the tube
Listening to R2D2 have loud sex with a garbage disposal
Every now and then the machine would stop Goddamn Muffin Man would chime back into my ears
[BRRRRRRRBBZZZZZZTTTBPPPPPPPPPPPPPP BUNCH OF RANDOM TORMENTING MRI SOUNDS]
[Do you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man]
[BRRRRRRRBBZZZZZZTTTBPPPPPPPPPPPPPP BUNCH OF RANDOM TORMENTING MRI SOUNDS]
[Do you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man]
[BRRRRRRRBBZZZZZZTTTBPPPPPPPPPPPPPP BUNCH OF RANDOM TORMENTING MRI SOUNDS]
[Do you know the muffin man, The muffin man, the muffin man]
This goes on for 45 minutes
And I'm thinking to myself: Wow, I never knew this circle of hell existed
Lucky me! [9th Circle of hell: MRI Bullshit]
I finally get out of that thing, I'm like: "Hey, thanks a bunch, guys"
"But I think I'd rather have the seizures then do that shit again"
So at this point we had to wait for the doctor to look at the results
And I'm not saying my doctor was stupid, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't all the way there
"What the hell is this big blobby thing?"
"Ah.. That's the.. That's the brain, doctor"
"Ah yeah, alright! Well, that's.. That's good, right?"
"I don't know"
So there I am, waiting to be diagnosed, hoping I'll get some answers finally
"Ah, man, I hope it's not brain AIDS!"
"I bet I got AIDS in the brain, mom I should've never listened to that Nickelback cd"
"Well, I have good news and bad news"
"The good news is your son has a brain in his head"
"And the bad news is.. Uhhmm... What was your question again?"
"Why did he have a seizure?"
"Ah, yeah, that's right"
"Uhm, we don't really know!"
So now I have to get an EEG Test [Electroencephalogram Test]
And an EEG Test is when they glue a bunch of electrodes to your head
And they sit you in front of a strobe light
I remember thinking of strobe light:
"Oh my God, they're trying to make me have a seizure now!"
"What a bunch of assholes?!"
"Okay, just sit back and relax, we're just gonna shine a few lights in your eyeballs"
[STROBE LIGHT MACHINEGUN FIRE]
"How are you feeling? Are you feeling a little seizury?"
"Uh, no. But I'm feeling like my goddamn brain's gonna explode"
"Ah, man. I thought you'd be flopping all over the floor by now"
"Well, I guess we can hit you in the head with this frying pan and see, what happens"
So after all this hellacious testing
My doctor concludes that he doesn't really know why I had the seizure
"Sometimes your brain's just stupid, I guess. I don't know. What do I look like? A doctor?"
So I never figured out why, and I never had a seizure since then
But there's one good thing that came from this whole shitty mess
And that was from then on I can always fake a seizure and get out of losing any game
"Aha, checkmate, I win!"
"Oh, God damn it, not again!"
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