WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I NEED THAT TONIGHT IN WAYS I DON'T ALWAYS NEED IT BECAUSE
TODAY HAS SHAKEN ME TO MY CORE, AND I DON'T THINK I NEED TO
POINT OUT THAT, AT 54, THERE'S NOT A LOT OF CORE LEFT.
IT'S A NICE SUIT.
IT GIVES ME THE ILLUSION OF CORE.
( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE WE GET INTO WHETHER OUR
PRESIDENT IS THE SIBERIAN CANDIDATE, I'D LIKE TO REMIND
YOU OF SOMETHING LINCOLN SAID, "AMERICA WILL NEVER BE DESTROYED
FROM THE OUTSIDE.
IF WE FALTER AND LOSE OUR FREEDOMS, IT WILL BE BECAUSE WE
DESTROYED OURSELVES."
AND, "A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT STAND."
THEY WERE TWO OF HIS MOST FAMOUS TWEETS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, WITH THAT IN MIND, I'M
THINKING THAT MAYBE THE MOST PATRIOTIC THING
WE CAN DO RIGHT NOW, IS NOT POINT OUT THE ALARMING BEHAVIOR
OF OUR PRESIDENT, WHICH COULD BE DIVISIVE.
BUT INSTEAD, JUST TAKE IT UNTIL HE'S GONE.
( LAUGHTER ) DOES ANYBODY FEEL LIKE TAKING
IT?
>> AUDIENCE: NO!
>> Stephen: ME NEITHER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I WAS WORRIED THERE FOR JUST A
SECOND.
SO TRUMP'S IN HELSINKI WITH HIS BUDDY VLAD, AND THIS MEETING IS
JUST THREE DAYS AFTER 12 RUSSIAN MILITARY INTELLIGENCE
AGENTS UNDER DIRECT KREMLIN CONTROL WERE INDICTED FOR
HACKING THE 2016 ELECTION.
12 AGENTS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT.
BUT, REMEMBER, THEY'RE RUSSIAN, SO THEY WERE ALL NESTED INSIDE
ONE BIG AGENT.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
FIRST, THE TWO MEN HAD A PRIVATE MEETING WITH ONLY TRANSLATORS IN
THE ROOM.
AND TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE STAYED OUT, THEY PUT THIS SIGN ON THE
DOOR: "STRONGMEN ONLY!
NO GIRLS ALLOWED."
( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE WE GET INTO THE NITTY
CRAZY OF WHAT THEY SAID DURING THEIR POST-MEETING PRESS
CONFERENCE, LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE REACTED TO TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE,
BECAUSE THE REVIEWS ARE IN: >> YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING
PERHAPS ONE OF THE MOST DISGRACEFUL OF PERFORMANCES BY
AN AMERICAN PRESIDENT AT A SUMMIT IN FRONT OF A RUSSIAN
LEADER CERTAINLY THAT I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> WE HEARD THE WORST THAT WE COULD POSSIBLY HEAR FROM A U.S.
PRESIDENT WHILE STANDING ALONGSIDE VLADIMIR PUTIN.
>> YOU SHOULD CALL THIS THE SURRENDER SUMMIT.
>> THIS WAS A WORST-CASE SCENARIO GOING INTO THIS.
>> DISGUSTING.
AND THAT'S WHAT MADE HIS PERFORMANCE DISGUSTING.
I'M SORRY, IT'S THE ONLY WAY I FEEL.
NOT A RIGHT OR LEFT THING TO ME.
IT'S JUST WRONG.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
THOSE ARE THE WORST REVIEWS I'VE SEEN SINCE TITANIC.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I DON'T MEAN THE MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) "ONE STAR.
I DROWNED.
GREAT BAND THOUGH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S POSITIVE.
THAT'S KIND OF POSITIVE.
>> THAT'S KIND OF POSITIVE.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HEAR ABOUT THAT PART.
WHY SO BAD?
WELL, HE ASKED ABOUT RUSSIA MEDDLING WITH OUR ELECTION AND
WHETHER HE BELIEVED ALL OF OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES, OR PUTIN?
>> MY PEOPLE CAME TO ME.
DAN COATS CAME TO ME AND SOME OTHERS SAID THEY THINK IT'S
RUSSIA.
I HAVE PRESIDENT PUTIN, HE JUST SAID IT'S NOT RUSSIA.
I WILL SAY THIS, I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY IT WOULD BE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: YOU DON'T SEE ANY
REASON?
DO YOU OWN A MIRROR?
BECAUSE AFTER THROWING YOUR INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY UNDER THE
BUS, YOU THREW IT IN REVERSE AND TURNED THEM INTO ROAD BURGER.
>> I HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE IN MY INTELLIGENCE PEOPLE, BUT I WILL
TELL YOU THAT PRESIDENT PUTIN WAS EXTREMELY STRONG AND
POWERFUL IN HIS DENIAL TODAY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, BOO
ALL YOU WANT, BUT "HE'S EXTREMELY STRONG AND
POWERFUL.
HE DOES NOT SKIP LEG DAY, AND I KNOW BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM
SMOOCHING HIS GLUTES."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT IT IS GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT PUTIN
DIRECTED HIS OFFICIALS TO HELP YOU GET ELECTED?
DOES HE HAVE TO COME OUT AND SAY IT?
BECAUSE HE DID.
>> PRESIDENT PUTIN, DID YOU WANT PRESIDENT TRUMP TO WIN THE
ELECTION AND DID YOU DIRECT ANY OF YOUR OFFICIALS TO HELP HIM DO
THAT?
>> YES, I DID.
YES, I DID.
>> STEPHEN: YES, HE DID.
THAT IS SHOCKING, MOSTLY BECAUSE I'M NOT USED TO A PRESIDENT
TELLING THE TRUTH.
ONE REPORTER GAVE TRUMP A CHANCE TO HOLD PUTIN'S FEET TO THE
FIRE.
>> WOULD YOU NOW, WITH THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING, TELL PRESIDENT
PUTIN, WOULD YOU DENOUNCE WHAT HAPPENED IN 2016 AND WOULD YOU
WARN HIM TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN?
>> SO LET ME JUST SAY THAT WE HAVE TWO THOUGHTS YOU HAVE
GROUPS THAT ARE WONDERING WHY THE F.B.I. NEVER TOOK THE
SERVER?
WHY HAVEN'T THEY TAKEN THE SERVER?
WHERE ARE THOSE SERVERS?
I WANT TO KNOW WHERE IS THE SERVER AND WHAT IS THE SERVER
SAYING?
WHERE IS THE SERVER?
>> STEPHEN: WE KNOW WHERE THE SERVER IS.
HE'S STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE MASTER.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY HAVE A SAFE WORD, PUMPKIN
PATCH.
AND THE PRESIDENT REMINDED US WHO'S REALLY TO BLAME FOR RUSSIA
ATTACKING OUR COUNTRY: >> I HOLD BOTH COUNTRIES
RESPONSIBLE.
I THINK THE UNITED STATES HAS BEEN FOOLISH.
I THINK WE HAVE ALL BEEN FOOLISH.
I THINK THAT WE'RE ALL TO BLAME.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, WE'RE ALL TO BLAME.
TRUMP SOUNDS JUST LIKE F.D.R.
AFTER PEARL HARBOR.
YESTERDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1941: A DATE FOR WHICH BOTH COUNTRIES
ARE TO BLAME.
I MEAN, IF WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE ATTACKED, WHY DID WE HAVE THOSE
SEXY BATTLESHIPS IN OUR BIG JUICY HARBOR?
>> Stephen: YES.
PEOPLE DON'T USUALLY PLAY THAT MUCH OF IT.
THEY USUALLY CUT IT OFF EARLIER THAN THAT.
>> Jon: OH, I NEVER HEARD THAT PART BEFORE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IF TRUMP'S
SPINELESS TOADYING TO PUTIN MADE YOU THINK, WHAT'S
VLAD GOT ON HIM?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
>> DOES THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT HAVE ANY COMPROMISING MATERIAL
ON PRESIDENT TRUMP OR HIS FAMILY?
>> (LAUGHS) >> STEPHEN: ( LAUGHS )
"I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST REMEMBERING FUNNY VIDEO I SAW OF
MR. TRUMP.
I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHAT IT WAS, BUT IT WAS PEE-PEE TAPE."
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
NEXT QUESTION, WHO WANTS TO DIE NEXT?
BUT PUTIN DOES KNOW EXACTLY WHERE AND WHEN HE DIDN'T GET THE
MATERIAL HE FOR-SURE DOESN'T HAVE.
>> I TREATED PRESIDENT TRUMP WITH UTMOST RESPECT, BUT BACK
THEN, WHEN HE WAS A PRIVATE INDIVIDUAL, A BUSINESSMAN,
NOBODY INFORMED ME HE WAS IN MOSCOW.
LET'S TAKE ST. PETERSBURG ECONOMIC FORUM, FOR INSTANCE.
THERE WERE 500 AMERICAN BUSINESS MEN, THE HIGH-RANKING LEVEL ONES
I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST NAMES OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF
THEM.
DO YOU REMEM- DO YOU THINK WE TRIED TO COLLECT COMPROMISING
MATERIAL ON EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM?
>> STEPHEN: YES, I DO.
WHEN I WAS IN RUSSIA, I WAS FOLLOWED EVERYWHERE I WENT, AND
I'M A COMEDIAN.
ALL RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS INFORMED IN NO UNCERTAIN
TERMS THAT MY PHONE WAS BUGGED AND MY ROOM HAD CAMERAS IN IT.
I SHOWERED IN A BLUE BLAZER.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I FINALLY HAD TO GET NAKED,
I TURNED TO EVERY MIRROR AND SAID, "YOU LIKE, IVAN?
YOU LIKE?
HUH?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) "HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, BABY.
AMERICA."
"AMERICA NUMBER ONE."
AND PUTIN HAD A VERY STRANGE IDEA FOR ROBERT MUELLER.
>> WE CAN ACTUALLY PERMIT OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVES OF THE
UNITED STATES INCLUDING THE MEMBERS OF THIS VERY COMMISSION
HEADED BY MR. MUELLER, WE CAN LET THEM INTO THE COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: "COME TO MOSCOW, MR. MUELLER.
AS OUR GUEST, WE WILL 'TAKE YOU OUT,' IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.
WE WILL ROLL OUT THE RED CARPET, WHICH IS RED FROM BLOOD-- IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M SAYING, WE WILL KILL YOU."
BUT PERHAPS THE WEIRDEST MOMENT OF THE WHOLE WEIRD-FEST WAS WHEN
PUTIN GAVE TRUMP A LITTLE PRESENT TO COMMEMORATE THE WORLD
CUP.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, I GIVE THIS BALL TO YOU, AND NOW THE BALL IS
IN YOUR COURT.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: NICE GIFT, ALTHOUGH
I THINK PUTIN STILL HAS A SET OF TRUMP'S BALLS.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: TRUMP'S SHOCKING PERFORMANCE IN THIS SHOCKING
PRESS CONFERENCE SHOCKED A SHOCKING NUMBER OF
PEOPLE AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT THEM WHEN WE COME BACK.
STICK AROUND.