the latest news from afghanistan for
months now we have known that the biden
administration completely botched the
exit of american troops from america's
longest war yeah even the game of
thrones guys were like rough ending but
now for the first time we're learning
the details of how costly this mistake
actually was
we do have some new cnn reporting this
morning the u.s left behind seven
billion dollars worth of military
equipment in the chaotic withdrawal from
afghanistan last year that equipment now
in the hands of the taliban what kind of
equipment is it according to the report
a few details aircraft munitions
military vehicles weapons communications
gear a lot of it it requires a very
precise maintenance to remain usable
they don't know if the taliban have been
able to keep all of this stuff running
that's a that's a key question that they
may never get an answer to they left
seven billion dollars worth of military
equipment in afghanistan how is that
even possible
like because i get anxiety leaving a
hotel in a hurry you know i get that you
know like when you're rushing and then
you forget your toothbrush but let me
tell you something if i left seven
billion dollars worth of toothbrushes
we're turning this uber around people
we're going back
now according to the people who left the
stuff behind and this this was really
interesting they say this might not be
an issue because they say the taliban
might not be able to operate this stuff
anyway because of how complicated it is
and first of all i feel like they're
just saying that to cover their ass
second of all how they're gonna act like
the taliban doesn't have youtube you can
find anything on youtube
anything
you're telling me only americans can use
this equipment but the taliban can't
they're acting like to turn the tank on
you have to say sing like the theme song
to friends you know you just gotta be
like come on guys you gotta get the
claps right
it's not working what's happening
here's my question here's my question
america never has the money for anything
right there's not enough money for
health care there's not enough money for
education there's not enough money to
finally finish the washington monument
by putting two balls on it but
america has no problem with leaving
behind seven billion dollars worth of
weapons
how come that never happens
any other way like just once i would
love to turn on the news and hear
something like
this just in the government has too much
money for health care
so everyone gets a free butt lift
it's mind-boggling people it's
mind-boggling how much money america
wastes on the military and don't let
them trick you into saying like oh no it
goes to the troops because it doesn't go
to the troops right the troops are not
balling in the club no the defense
contractors is where the money goes
and then you hear these people like well
we need to spend that money to keep
people safe but let me ask you this
what's more threatening to people in
america a group of rebels in some
foreign country or health care nobody
can afford toxic drinking water poverty
pollution because if i was america i
would spend my war money on the biggest
threats yeah that's what i would do and
then i would send the taliban flint's
old water pipes that's how it fights
you don't need missiles just send that
yeah try drinking now
all right but let's move on to england
the world's number one exporter of
benedict cumberbatchers
as you may know
uk parliament can be a pretty rowdy
place you know every day people are
shouting and booing at each other like
the crowd at the world's pastiest rap
battle but
it turns out
that there is something that you're not
allowed to do on the floor as one
british politician found out the
conservative party has launched an
investigation into claims by some of its
female mps that a tory colleague watched
porn on his mobile phone in the house of
commons itself who is the tory mp
accused of watching pornography in the
commons we still don't know but
government ministers have lined up today
to condemn him saying there's no place
for pornography in any workplace the mp
could be suspended and thrown out of the
conservative party and the story has
reignited criticism of the overall
culture in parliament a member of the
uk's conservative party was caught
watching porn during a session
and now he could be expelled for it
and i'll be honest i'm just trying to
understand the motivation here
no no like like what part of parliament
made this guy want to watch porn
like what what turned him on
was there some new legislation that was
getting him hot
you know was there some other minister
who was like this country is going
deeper and deeper into debts we cannot
pull out at this point
oh boy
and you know if you ask me kicking him
out wasn't the right punishment man what
they should be doing is what parents do
when they catch a kid smoking cigarettes
yeah they should force him to watch all
of pornhub
i'll teach him a lesson he'll be like oh
i've seen all the categories i didn't
know existed please oh who knew congress
had cocaine or jesus
that's too much mitch mcconnell oh
[Applause]
i can't like that you saw him in your
mind that was funny one of you was like
ah i saw it trevor
i mean look i get that britain doesn't
want its politicians watching porn at
work you know but i will say i think the
one exception should be the royal family
no i i think porn could really open
their eyes to the beauty of interracial
relationships you know that could be a
good thing for them
oh and finally and finally if you want
to talk about politicians getting into
weird trouble
and there's no better example than
donald j trump 45th president of the
united states and phantom of the
mar-a-lago carving station
you see the former president
is currently being sued
for inciting violence against protesters
and
it's gotten serious enough that he was
actually forced to testify about it
former president donald trump testified
under oath he was worried that
protesters would hurl things at him and
that they were dangerous as part of his
deposition from back in october for a
civil lawsuit in new york where
activists claimed that the former
president's bodyguards violently broke
up protests outside trump tower back in
2015.
okay first of all it's crazy that there
are so many trump scandals that he's
literally getting dragged into court for
something we didn't even know was a
thing like did you know this was a thing
huh did you
nobody knew nobody knew about this
i didn't trump lawsuits are like
nicholas cage movies there's like a
bunch where you like he lost the pig
when did that happen
[Applause]
but anyway trump was being sued for
inciting violence to protesters right
against protesters rather and then he
came up with one of the most crazy
defenses i've ever heard this might be
my favorite story of the year and to
fully understand the story you have to
hear the actual deposition that trump
gave in the case now unfortunately
there's no recording
but fortunately there is a transcript
so to give you a little taste uh i'm
gonna get some help from our very own
michael costa everybody
for your for your uh understanding and
enjoyment costa and i are going to read
sections from the transcript for you now
he will be reading the parts of various
lawyers and i will be playing donald
jackfruit trump and again we're just
going to read excerpts from the actual
transcript because i promise you
no comedy writer is going to come up
with something funnier than this
are you guys ready ready
so
just so you understand the key section
begins
with lawyers playing a video
from a 2016 trump rally
if you see somebody getting ready to
throw a tomato knock the crap out of him
would you seriously
[Applause]
knock the crap out of him would you that
was your statement
oh yeah it was
very dangerous we were threatened
with what
they were gonna throw fruit
we were threatened we had a threat
how did you become aware that there was
a threat that people were gonna throw
fruit we were told we were told
and you get hit with fruit it's no it's
very violent stuff we were on alert for
that
a tomato is a fruit after all i guess it
has seeds
it's worse than a tomato
it's other things also but tomato when
they start doing that stuff it's very
dangerous it's very dangerous stuff you
can get killed with those things
i wanted to have people be ready because
we were put on alert that they were
gonna do
they were gonna do to fruit
and some fruit is a lot worse than
tomatoes are bad by the way
but it's very dangerous no i wanted them
to watch they were on alert
they were gonna hit they were gonna hit
hard
did do you have any knowledge as to
whether or not anybody was found to have
tomatoes in their possession on that
date i don't know
but it didn't happen it worked out that
nothing happened we heard it was going
to happen but nothing happened
mr president is it your expectation that
if your security guard sees someone
about to throw a tomato that they should
knock the crap out of them well a tomato
a
pineapple
a lot of other things they throw they
have to be aggressive in stopping that
from happening because if that happens
you can be killed if that happens
and getting aggressive includes the use
of physical force to stop somebody from
throwing pineapples
tomatoes bananas
stuff like that yeah it's dangerous
stuff
i have no further questions
and
seen
thank you very much thank you
thank you
i couldn't do without you thank you so
much thank you
thank you very much
our two-man show the president and the
fruits will be uh
off-broadway soon again that
conversation really happened
with the former president of the united
states
i will say this he's not wrong about
being hit with a pineapple being
dangerous you know i mean that's got
spikes built in and a banana too it
might not seem dangerous but remember if
someone throws a banana comes right back
at them so again just throw it at you
keep hitting you over and over again
you know what i think the worst fruit is
to get hit with a honeydew
yeah no not because it's hard just
because you could get some of it in your
mouth and that is disgusting
like i hope it hits me in the head and
kills me so i don't have to taste it
that's what i hope for
but no people this is serious stuff and
it's actually caused the secret service
to alter their methods i'm told that
we've obtained a classified training
video that shows how secret service
protesters are now going to be dealt
with and here's some of the new training
incredible
really incredible
all right that's it for the headlines
but before we go let's catch up on this
weekend's weather forecast with our very
own desi lighting everybody
so good to see you uh so desi uh what's
uh going on everything's great i finally
disposed of my last burner phones so
that's really exciting they got nothing
on me now
uh i don't know what that meant i i mean
what's going on with the weather oh oh
oh oh yeah no i'm glad you asked about
that because i've been meaning to talk
to you it has been freezing inside this
building like
really cold every single room we got to
do something about that i mean who set
the thermostat the patriarchy
i thought you're gonna do this
yeah by the way that trump fruit thing
that really strikes a chord with me have
you ever been hit in the head with a
piece of fruit
no
never
no no fruit nothing not like a kiwi or a
tangerine no clementine no fruit ever
pear no no fruit
no fruit some sort of melon like a
cantaloupe it's still no maraschino
cherry no an apricot no an apricot
that's the same thing twice
i have never been hit by a fruit in the
head does he lucky lucky lucky wow
oh by the way can you believe that guy
got caught watching porn at work right
passively
i mean what kind of psychopath watches
porn passively like it's a commercial or
something
all right
you should be doing one of two things
when you're watching porn either
pleasuring yourself or crying while
pleasuring yourself there's like no in
between
even at work you got to really set the
mood and commit you got to dim the
lights roll out a bare skin rug
fill a glass with a piping hot cup of
french onion soup
make it nice i thought you were ordering
the soup because you were sick don't
kink shame me trevor i don't know
dezzy could you please just tell us what
the weather's going to be oh no i i
haven't been outside in weeks
no i i got to lay low the whole burner
phone thing
what is this about well i would tell you
but you know you might have to testify
who
trevor have you not been listening the
fruit the porn the
french onion soup all of that you know
well frankly now you're implicated so
you got to think about what you're gonna
say i don't know anything though ah yes
exactly say that that's good no no i
don't know what you're talking about
tell them that no i told you that i
don't know what you're doing this is why
i roll with you i don't really i don't
know what you're saying
no i don't roll with you i don't know no
this is why i roll with you this is why
we roll i feel like you committed a
crime and i don't want to be a part of i
do not roll with you i'm right there
with you no no you're not desi like
everybody
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