WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
HEY, JOHN -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS, EVERYBODY!
JON, YOU KNOW, THE MUSIC SUPERSTAR CARRIE UNDERWOOD IS
HERE TONIGHT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: SHE'S GOING TO BE DOING A SONG.
IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE.
>> Jon: I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THAT.
>> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT, FOLKS, I STAND RIGHT OVER THERE,
I SAW THROUGH THE BREAST PLATE OF THE DAY'S BIG STORIES TO
PERFORM THE HIGHLY DELICATE THORACIC AORTIC DISSECTION
REPAIR THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GET DRUNK, BREAK INTO THE VETERINARY
OFFICE OF SMALLER STORIES, GENE SPLICE SOME HUMANS AND CATS AND
LIZARDS TOGETHER, AND MAKE THEM FIGHT ON THE "ISLAND OF DR.
MOREAU" OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT -- "MEANWHILE!"!
JUST SLIDES RIGHT OUT OF YA.
MEANWHILE -- MEANWHILE, AMAZON JUST REVEALED ECHO FRAMES
SMART GLASSES WITH ALEXA BUILT IN.
FINALLY!
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE TO STOP A TIMER BY SCREAMING AT MY
OWN FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN UTAH A POLICE
OFFICER SHOWED A TEEN HOW TO TIE HIS TIE DURING A TRAFFIC STOP.
AND YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THIS WEEK'S ISSUE OF "THINGS
THAT ONLY HAPPEN TO WHITE PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, A MAN TOOK L.S.D. AND
FELL IN A LAKE AT DISNEYLAND PARIS, AND WAS FOUND NAKED AND
CONFUSED HOURS LATER, AFTER HE FELL INTO THE MAN-MADE LAKE NEAR
CAPTAIN HOOK'S PIRATE SHIP.
SO UNFAIR.
SOME PEOPLE DROP ACID AND MAKE RECORD "REVOLVER."
OTHERS ALMOST DROWN TRYING TO EXPOSE THEIR JUNK TO MR. SMEE.
( LAUGHTER ) AS FOR WHO GAVE HIM THE ACID,
AUTHORITIES HAVE NARROWED IT DOWN TO THESE SUSPECTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, SPEAKING OF THE HOUSE OF MOUSE, THEY'VE JUST REVEALED
THE FIRST OPENLY GAY COUPLE IN THE "STAR WARS" UNIVERSE.
AND, NO, IT'S NOT WHO YOU THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) TURNS OUT,
IT'S ORKA AND FLIX.
FROM THE ANIMATED SERIES "STAR WARS RESISTANCE."
UM, OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THEY'RE NOT REMOTELY HUMAN
AND THEY'RE NOT THE SAME SPECIES AS EACH OTHER.
BUT, STILL, FOR EVERYONE IN THE GAY COMMUNITY WHO IDENTIFIES AS
EITHER A HALFBAT/HALF KOALA OR AN OWL ATTENDING TRADE SCHOOL
FOR SPOT-WELDING, DISNEY SEES YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THIS VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL OF A PENTECOSTAL PREACHER
EXHORTING HIS CONGREGATION AND GETTING A LITTLE DISTRACTED.
>> BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB BY THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, GOD, I
PRAY I PRAY I PRAY HEALING, I PRAY I PRAY I PRAY DELIVERANCE,
DELIVERANCE, DELIVERANCE, YES LORD, YES LORD.
>> STEPHEN: "YES, LORD!
YES LORD!
GROUPON FOR CHEESECAKE FACTORY!
YES, LORD!" YES, LORD!"
YES, LORD!" ( PIANO RIFF )
I DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO ADDRESS WHY HE CONDUCTS HIS
SERVICES IN WHAT APPEARS TO BE THE OUTDOOR CAFE AT
DISNEYWORLD'S "BIG THUNDER MOUNTAIN", BECAUSE THERE'S MORE:
>> YES LORD, HAVE YOUR WAY, HAVE YOUR WAY, HAVE YOUR WAY.
UH...
>> Stephen: UHHHHHHHH -- UHHHHH --
SHE JUST POSTED A PICTURE OF HER NEW BOYFRIEND.
UH... THEY LOOK SO HAPPY."
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WHEN HE GETS SO CARRIED
AWAY BY THE HOLY SPIRIT THAT HE SPEAKS IN TONGUES, HIS DEVOTION
TO HIS PHONE IS UNSHAKABLE.
>> KARAMO... RATATATA...
SHAKAYA.
TONGU( SPEAKING IN TONGUES ) >> STEPHEN: YOU REALLY DON'T
WANT TO MIX UP YOUR SPEAKING-IN-TONGUES WITH YOUR
EMAILING.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GET: "HEY, BILL.
THANKS FOR THE ROOF ESTIMATE.
CAN I GET A FOLLOW-UP IF WE INCLUDE
SHOOPLABABANDA-TENTA-BA-SHALOO!" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CARRIE
UNDERWOOD.