WELL, IT'S TIME FOR THE NEWS, ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TENSIONS ARE STILL HIGH ALONG THE RUSSIAN-UKRAINIAN BORDER.
BUT THIS MORNING, VLADIMIR PUTIN SAI THAT MOSCOW IS READY FOR
TALKS WITH NATO. PUTIN SAYS RUSSIA IS READY TO
DISCUSS "CONFIDENCE-BUILDING MEASURES."
I LIKE THAT PUTIN SAYS HE NEEDS MORE CONFIDENCE.
LIKE HE'S A GUY WHO WEARS A T-SHIRT INTO THE HOTEL HOT TUB
OR SOMETHING. CONFIDENCE- BUILDING MEASURES.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING WHERE A DIPLOMAT GOES DON'T WORRY, THIS
HAPPENS TO A LOT OF NATIONS. IT'S PROBABLY STRESS AT WORK.
LET'S JUST HOLD EACH OTHER. SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE CONFIDENCE
BUILDING MEASURES? TRUST FALLS AND STUFF?
IS PUTIN GOING TO BE LIKE, JOE, ARE YOU READY TO CATCH ME?
JOE, PUT ICE CREAM DOWN. YOU READY TO CATCH, OKAY?
I SWEAR TO GOD, JOE, YOU BETTER CATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER NEWS, DONALD TRUMP'S
LONGTIME ACCOUNTING FIRM HAS CUT TIES WITH HIM AND THE REST OF
THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION. THE FIRM ALSO SAID IT COULD NO
LONGER STAND BEHIND A DECADE OF FINANCIAL STATEMENTS, CALLING
THEM UNRELIABLE. GOOD OR THEM, STANDING UP AND
DOING THE RIGHT THING TEN YEARS TOO LATE.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT NEW INFORMATION COULD HAVE
COME TO LIGHT RIGHT NOW? WERE THEY LIKE
(REALIZING) WAIT A MINUTE...
TRUMP ORGANIZATION? DOES THAT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO
WITH DONALD TRUMP? WHAT?!
MEANWHILE, EVERYBODY HERE IN LOS ANGELES
IS STILL BUZZING ABOUT THE RAMS SUPER BOWL WIN ON SUNDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
LEBRON JAMES EVEN POSTED A TWEET SUGGESTING HIS OWN IDEA FOR A
CHAMPIONSHIP PARADE. HE WROTE
WE, DODGERS AND RAMS SHOULD ALL DO A JOINT PARADE TOGETHER.
YOU CAN'T REQUEST A PARADE FOR YOURSELF, AND I KNOW THIS FOR A
FACT, I TRIED. ( LAUGHTER )
TRUST ME, LeBRON, YOU CAN'T. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I DO AGREE, WE SHOULD CELEBRATE ALL OF THE ELITE
ATHLETIC SQUADS IN L.A. - THE -- THEY DIDN'T GET TO HAVE A
PARADE, LIKE THE RAMS, THE DODGERS, THE LAKERS,
AND OF COURSE, "THE LATE LATE SHOW" CURLING TEAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE ALL WINNERS.
WE'RE ALL WINNERS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I THINK THIS IS A GOOD IDEA THEY SHOULD ALL DO A PARADE.
THE LAKERS WON THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP, THERE WASN'T FANS
THERE. >> NO, IT WAS DURING THE BUBBLE.
I LOVE THIS IDEA. I DEFINITELY THINK THE LAKERS
WHO ARE CURRENTLY, LIKE, IN TENTH PLACE IN THE WEST, TWO
YEARS REMOVED FROM WINNING THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP, SHOULD HAVE TO GO
OUT THERE WITH THE WORLD CHAMP ONE RAMS AND DODGERS AND SIT
NEXT TO THEM WHILE, ONCE AGAIN, THEY ARE IN TENTH PLACE IN THEIR
DIVISION. ( LAUGHTER )
TWO SONIC THE HEDGE HOG MOVIES HAVE COME OUT SINCE THEY'VE WON
THEIR CHAMPIONSHIP, AND I, FOR ONE, WOULD LIKE TO SEE, AGAIN,
THE TENTH PLACE LOS ANGELES LAKERS OUT THERE NEXT TO TWO
ACTUAL WORLD CHAMPIONS LIKE, THANK, WE DID IT.
WE DID DO IT BACK WHEN ALL OF YOU WERE WATCHING TIGER KING,
STILL, WE WON A CHAMPIONSHIP. EVERYONE WAS PLAYING ANIMAL
CROSSING AND BAKING SOURDOUGH LOAVES OF PREYED AND WE WON THE
CHAMPIONSHIP AND, NOW, TWO YEARS LATER, WE'RE HAVING A PARADE.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THEM. ( APPLAUSE )
>> James: ALTHOUGH, I WOULD SAY,
IF IT DID HAPPEN, THE HISTORIC EVENT WOULD BE THE BIGGEST
THREEWAY HELD IN LA SINCE VALENTINE'S DAY AT GUILLERMO'S.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT CELEBRATIONS ARE ALREADY
UNDERWAY HERE IN LOS ANGELES. EARLIER TODAY, THE FAMOUS
HOLLYWOOD SIGN WAS TEMPORARILY CHANGED TO SAY RAMS HOUSE.
AND IN KEEPING WITH TRADITION HERE IN L.A., THAT HOUSE IS A
TWO-BED, ONE-BATH, TEAR-DOWN THAT COSTS NINE MILLION DOLLARS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SIGN WILL STAY UP THROUGH
WEDNESDAY BECAUSE THIS IS LOS ANGELES AND
WE CAN'T PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT SPORTS ANY LONGER THAN THAT.
MOVING ON, THE OSCARS HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT THEY WILL GIVE
TWITTER USERS A VOTE DURING THE AWARDS CEREMONY.
IT'S TRUE, PEOPLE CAN VOTE ON THEIR FAVORITE FILMS THAT WERE
RELEASED IN 2021 - EVEN IF THE FILM WASN'T NOMINATED FOR AN
OSCAR. THE FILM WITH THE MOST VOTES
WILL BE RECOGNIZED DURING THE BROADCAST.
...IT'S "SPIDER-MAN." ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S GOING TO BE SPIDER-MAN, IT'S THE NEW SPIDER-MAN.
CALL OFF THE VOTE. IT'S THE NEW SPIDER-MAN.
ARE THEY GIVEN A SHORT LIST TO VOTE FOR OR CAN YOU VOTE FOR ANY
FILM. >> I THINK YOU CAN VOTE FOR
ANYTHING. >> James: WE HAVE TO START A
MOVEMENT THAT IT'S "JACKASS." SHOULDN'T WE DO THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S THE BEST OUTCOME IN THIS
IS EVERYBODY GOES, NO, IT'S "JACKASS 2.0".
BECAUSE THE IDEA OF SEEING SIEVEO AND JOHNNY KNOXVILLE ON
STAGE FOR THE OSCARS WOULD BE AMAZING.
THIS IS TRUE TWITTER USERS WILL GET TO PRESENT AN AWARD.
I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL NEXT YEAR, WHEN GLENN CLOSE IS PRESENTED
WITH HER LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT OSCAR FROM @DONKEY LORD69.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW DOES THE VOTE WORK?
YIN ONE KNOW? IS IT THE MOST RETWEETS OR
WHATEVER? >> THERE'S AN OSCAR HASHTAG AND
THEY COUNT THE VOTE THAT WAY. >> James: WE SHOULD MAKE A
PUSH FOR JACKASS ON THIS, GUYS. SHOULDN'T WE?
>> ABSOLUTELY WE SHOULD, YEAH. >> James: OR THIS IS OUR
CHANCE TO GET CLIFFORD THE BIG RED DOG AT THE OSCARS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AGAIN, DON'T WANT TO BE A BROKEN RECORD, THE COLOR IS IRRELEVANT.
( LAUGHTER ) IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE RED.
DOESN'T NEED TO BE RED. THE LARGENESS IS THE TAKEAWAY.
NO ONE SEES A DOG OF THAT SIZE AND COMES BACK AND SAYS, I'M I'E
JUST SEEN A RED DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE TRYING TO HAVE THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT THERE.
IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER. IT'S BIG OR IT'S RED.
BOTH ARE UNIQUE, YOU CAN'T DO BOTH, YOU JUST CAN'T.
>> SHOULD BE JUST CLIFFORD, THE BIG, BIG DOG.
>> James: YEAH. CLIFFORD THE ( BLEEP ) BIG DO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DID YOU SEE A FILM THIS YEAR THAT SHOULD BE NOMINATED FOR
BEST PICTURE? >> Reggie: ROANOKE.
IS THAT A FILM? >> James: IS THAT A FILM?
I THINK I'M UNDERSTANDING WHY IT WAS OVERLOOKED FOR BEST PICTURE.
MOVING ON, A ZOO IN STAFFORDSHIRE, ENGLAND HAS COME
UP WITH A RATHER UNUSUAL WAY TO ENCOURAGE THEIR MONKEYS TO MATE.
THEY ACTUALLY HIRED A MARVIN GAYE IMPERSONATOR TO SERENADE
THE MONKEYS. WHAT A GREAT GIG YOU GET TO
SPEND YOUR DAYS SINGING MARVIN GAYE SONGS AND WATCHING MONKEYS
HAVE SEX??? ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A VERY SPECIFIC JOB DESCRIPTION.
I MEAN, IMAGINE BEING THE MARVIN GAYE IMPERSONATOR IN
STAFFORDSHIRE, ENGLAND WHO DIDN'T GET THIS JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
WHAT'S ON YOUR PERFECT ROMANCE PLAY LIST?
>> I LIKE THAT FADE INTO YOU SONG BY MAZZIE STAR.
YOU KNOW THAT ONE? ♪ FADE INTO YOU... ♪
THAT ONE? >> James: WELL, I'M TURNED
OFF. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT ABOUT YOU, NICK, WHAT DO YOU PUT ON?
CONAN'S CONAN'S -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> I HAVE TALKED WAY TOO OFTEN, AND SO HAVE YOU, ABOUT MY LOVE
LIFE, AND MY WIFE HAS HAD IT WITH THIS CONVERSATION.
>> James: TALK ME THROUGH THE CONVERSATION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WELL, I MEAN, IT LITERALLY
CAME UP YESTERDAY ON VALENTINE'S DAY BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT UP MY
SEX LIFE. >> James: YEP.
WITH HER YESTERDAY. >> James: YEP.
AND I'M, LIKE, I HAVE TO WATCH THE SHOWDOWN TO SEE WHAT
IT LOOKS LIKE BEFORE IT GOES OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE.
SHE SAID WHY DOES JAMES KEEP TALKING ABOUT US?
AND I HAD NO ANSWER FOR IT. >> James: YOU MADE A MISTAKE
BY WATCHING THIS WITH ANYONE. ( LAUGHTER )
WELL, WE'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE YOU THAT.
WHAT YOU GET UP TO -- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SEX SWING?
>> WE'RE SAVING IT. >> James: I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR
VALENTINES. >> IT WAS.
WE HAD A COUPLE THINGS GOING ON AND IT GOT A LITTLE COMPLICATED.
>> James: SHOULDN'T DO THAT WITH NICK THEN.
YESTERDAY WHAT YOU HAD ON VALENTINES WAS BETTER THAN WHAT
HAPPENED. THE SHOW BOUGHT YOU, WE WERE
GOING TO REPLACE YOUR CHAIR WITH A SEX SWING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT WAS GOING TO BE HANGING
FROM THE ROOF, AND YOUR LEGS WERE GOING TO BE UP IN, LIKE --
SO, AND THAT WASN'T MY IDEA. SO IT'S NOT JUST ME THAT'S
INTRIGUED. BY YOUR CLEARLY FEROCIOUS SEXUAL
APPETITE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPIER DURING THE MONOLOGUE, I GUESS --
I GUESS I'LL HAVE NO -- >> James: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
IN A SEX SWING. I WAS NEVER INTRIGUED ABOUT YOUR
LOVE LIFE WHEN YOU HAD SHORT HAIR.
NOW THAT YOU'VE GROWN LONG HAIR IT MAKES ME THINK THAT YOU ARE A
FREAK. >> IT -- IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
>> James: YOU'VE FOUND IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
DO YOU FEEL MORE VIRILE WHEN YOU WATCH YOURSELF MAKE LOVE?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M GOING TO STOP, NICK, WE'RE
GOING TO MOVE ON. HAS EVERYBODY SEEN THIS?
TO CELEBRATE HER DIAMOND JUBILEE, QUEEN ELIZABETH IS
RELEASING HER VERY OWN SPARKLING WINE.
THE BOTTLE FEATURES DESIGNS INSPIRED BY HER CORONATION ROBE,
HERE IT IS HERE, AND WHAT'S MOST IMPRESSIVE IS THAT THE QUEEN
LITERALLY STOMPED THE GRAPES HERSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HEAR THOSE FOOTSTEPS,
BUZZBALLZ? IT'S ANOTHER WOMAN-OWNED ADULT
BEVERAGE COMING AROUND THE CORNER.
( LAUGHTER ) HAVE WE BEEN SENT ANY BUZZ
BALLS? NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A
SUPERMARKET, PICK UP A BUZZ BALL, CRACK IT THERE AND THEN.
THAT'S WHAT I DO. BUY TWO, DRINK ONE ON THE WAY
AROUND, PAY FOR TWO ON THE WAY OUT, AND AS YOU LEAVE THE TRADER
JOE'S, YOU JUST GOT A LITTLE BUZZ ON.
A SPARKLING WINE IS A LITTLE MORE SOPHISTICATED AND
APPROPRIATE FOR QUEEN ELIZABETH. THIS WAS THE ROYAL FAMILY'S
FIRST IDEA, FIZZY LIZZIE'S ATOMIC HARD SELTZER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S THE NEWS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK