Clay Andrews: How do you know when your ex is gone for good?
That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first, my name is Clay
with ModernLove.Life. We help you get the great, loving relationship that you're looking
for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard-to-get, and without having
to pretend to be someone or something that you are not because you deserve to be loved
for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are. If you agree with me, help me
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Also, I did want to talk about our course called the Ex Solution program. If after watching
this video, it looks like there might be actually some hope in your situation, then, you're
more than welcome to join us inside the Ex Solution program course. You can find information
on it down below in the description box. If it's a good fit for you, you're more than
welcome to sign up. If not, then, no worries. All right.
Let's go ahead and get into this. Again, this is a common question that I get often is,
here's all the details on my situation. Is there any hope? Is it a lost cause? And so,
I wanted to go through that. Where do we start? When it comes to a situation, a relationship,
and if I'm on a coaching call with a client or something like that, what I'm really looking
for is, is their ex or their partner open to talking to them? Are they open to connecting
with them? Are they open to even exploring what might be possible between the two of
them? If there's that channel of communication, then, there's something that we can work with.
And there's absolutely something that we can develop from there with a vast toolbox of
strategies and techniques. However, if your ex is just completely walling
you off and we can't get through to them at all, then, that's an entirely different problem.
If your ex is just not talking to you... Well, first of all, if your ex isn't talking to
you, there are things that we can do to try to re-spark that contact and that communication
such as initiating some contact with them in the appropriate way, establishing some
sort of rapport with them, all that sort of stuff. If they open up and come out to play,
so to speak, then, all right, great. We have gotten to that point where the two
of you are communicating and there's actually some degree of contact that's happening. Of
course, at that point, we can do things like pull down to the emotional level, use reward-relate
cycles, things of that nature to create some emotional connection. And then, of course,
we can leverage that emotional connection through things like the fork-in-the-road strategy,
one-way spikes of doom, all sorts of other techniques that we have in our toolbox to
really start to facilitate that emotional connection and to help them to make that decision
to actually get back together with us. However, if you don't have contact with your ex, especially
because they are closed off to that idea, then, that's a big sign that things might
not be ready to happen right now. I don't like this whole black and white thinking of
like, "Oh, it's totally hopeless. You should give up. You're never going to get back together."
Or "Yeah, we can absolutely get back together." I don't like the black and white thing because
many times, if your ex is closed to getting back together with you right now, that's just
where they're at right now. And maybe, down the road, a couple months, or a year, or something
like that down the road, they might totally change their mind. It's definitely possible,
and it can definitely happen. I've definitely had clients who have gotten back in contact
with their ex after years and years of not being in contact. And just sometimes, that
time can help to loosen up and soften up some of those emotions of reactants or resistance
that may be in place. And so, time is definitely a factor. It shouldn't be the only factor
that you have at your disposal, but it definitely can help to move things along.
Again, just because they're closed off right now doesn't mean that they're always going
to be that way. It just means right now, they're not open to working things out. So, if that's
the case, then maybe right now, you shouldn't be devoting a lot of time, and effort, and
energy to making that happen. That's one thing right there. Now, the second thing is obviously,
if your ex is moving their life in a very clear, different direction. It's one thing
if they're in a rebound relationship, and they're confused, and they're still talking
to you, and they're connecting with you, and all that stuff. But if they're very clearly
getting married to someone else and moving forward with their life in that direction,
then, that's an entirely different story, and I'd say... Okay, again, I don't like the
whole black and white thing, but if someone's getting married to someone else, chances that
they're going to get back together with you, right now, are probably not super duper great.
Yeah. Marriages don't work from time to time for all sorts of different reasons. That's
a whole conversation in and of itself. If your ex's marriage to someone else doesn't
work out, sure, it might make sense for the two of you to see what might be possible between
the two of you. But if they're getting married, then, that is probably not the opportune time
to try to get back together with them. I got this email many years ago that really stuck
with me. This guy had been following some advice, and he'd been like going through no
contact, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And he decided to get back in contact with
his ex the day before or right after she had gotten married, her actual wedding day. And
he writes back and says, "Oh, none of your stuff worked. She just got married, and she
was totally not interested in getting back together."
And I'm like, "Yeah, totally." Her wedding day. That's probably the time when her commitment
to that partner, her new husband or whatever is the highest that it's probably ever going
to be. She's not going to be like, "Oh, hey, yeah. I was going to get married. But because
you asked me this question about a meme that you found on the internet or something, I'm
going to drop all of that and get back together with you." Probably not going to happen. So,
again, there is that distinction between, is it going to happen now versus not right
now? I don't like the whole thing about, hey, it's gone. You're never going to get back
together. It's a lost cause. It's hopeless. Give up now. That ship has sailed.
Yeah, there's times when it's not going to happen right now. And definitely, you don't
want to just invest more and more, and more effort and energy into something that's not
going to happen right now, but it's not necessarily going to be that way forever. It's not going
to always be that way. It's not going to continuously be that way indefinitely. Things change. Rebound
relationships break apart, marriages fall apart, people change their minds, people have
realizations and things like that. Like with me and my big ex that I talk about from time
to time here on this channel, after we broke up for the final time because we just realized
we had different values and wanted different things in life, I spent, I think it was like
a year or two, just not being in contact with her.
And then, I went through this phase of my life where I wanted to get right with the
people who I wasn't right with. And a guy in his twenties who'd broke up with his ex,
we didn't really end things on the best note. And so, I wanted to just patch things up.
So, I sent her this empathetic message, no strings attached or anything like that. I
was just saying, "Hey, I can understand how I was being in that relationship. It wasn't
really helpful. I can see where you're at, and what you wanted, and all that stuff."
And I was just empathetic to where she was at. I wasn't asking her to respond. I wasn't
asking for anything at that point. I was just trying to put out some goodwill and to, at
least, karmically, patch up things between her and I.
And what happened was she actually wrote back, and she was like, "Thank you so much for sending
this. This is really what I wanted to hear this whole time. I can tell that you really
understand what I was at," or something along those lines. We traded a few messages back
and forth, but she had gone on to actually get married to someone else. Whole other story.
And so, I didn't really feel comfortable keeping that going because I didn't want to be the
other guy that got in the way of a wedding ring. So, we just wrapped that up. But we
were able to soften up our hard stances against one another, and actually come around to actually
communicating in a civil and compassionate sort of way with one another.
And so, just because something's a "no" right now doesn't mean it's always going to be a
"no." Just because the door is shut and locked, and the key has been thrown away doesn't mean
that it's always going to be that way. You can always call in a relationship locksmith
to open the door. But what I do look for when it comes to situations where it's like, "Okay,
there's something going on here. We can work together. We can make something work here."
It's like, are you and your ex in contact with one another? Do you have the ability
to be in contact with one another? It's one thing if you're choosing to do no contact,
and you do have the ability to contact your ex, and they would likely respond to you.
That's one thing versus they just refuse to talk to you. That's another thing entirely.
If you're not in contact with them, try to get in contact with them. If they are receptive
to that, if they are willing to talk to you, okay, great. There's something we got to work
with here. That means we can definitely take things and see what might be possible between
the two of you. If, on the other hand, they're not in contact with you, they're not open
to being in contact with you, it just means that's not something that I would really pursue
right now. Additionally, if they're really hard moving their life in a new direction
beyond just rebound relationships, and they're not confused, but they're actually getting
married to someone else or doing something like that, then, okay. That's probably not
right now. Again, there is a big difference between, okay, I'm in a rebound relationship
with someone else, I'm confused about my ex, and all that versus, I'm so in love with this
fiance, and I'm so excited to start a new life with you, and all that.
There's a very big difference between that. So, definitely keep that in mind. Okay. If
I have not scared you off yet, and it looks like there might be something going on with
you and your relationship, then, you might want to check out that course, the Ex Solution
program. The info for that is down below in the description box. Feel free to sign up
if it's right for you. If not, no worries. But I hope this video has helped you out.
If it has helped you out, please help me out by giving this video a thumbs up so that we
can help spread it around the internet and maybe help some other people out as well too.
And feel free to subscribe to the channel as well too.
Also, if you do want to learn more about your ex's emotional landscape, we do have this
video series on what we call the Five Stages Your Ex Goes Through in Getting Back Together.
You can check that video series out right here. Or you might want to check out this
video right here. But thank you so much. Please take care, and I'll talk to you in the next
video.