Geoffrey here and this video,
I'm going to show you the exact reasons why your wife may not want to be
affectionate with you in the relationship any longer and I really want you to
stay until the end of this video because I'm going to go way deeper than what a
lot of other videos or coaches are talking about.
And I want to really dive deep to the basics of what is actually happening here
and just like all my students and myself,
once you gain a clear understanding of what the reasons are, no,
only really be able to diagnose your situation a lot better and gain a lot more
clarity for yourself, but also what you do becomes a lot more clear as well.
Now before I begin this video,
I want to let you know that I'll be hosting a free live master class on the
proven five steps to rebuilding your relationship.
So be sure to stay tuned until the end of this video for the announcement on how
you can get in on that masterclass.
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So before we get to the four reasons I want to get to the basics,
the core science of how intimacy actually works from a female's perspective.
And I think you'll find that once you understand the science behind this,
the four reasons I'm going to talk about will become a lot more clear and much
more easy to understand for you when it comes to the level of openness for
intimacy or the desire for intimacy in a, from a female's perspective,
there are two main hormones that are come at play and there are many other
hormones, but there's two hormones play a major,
major role and those two hormones are oxytocin and estrogen.
So oxytocin here,
and there's many studies on this has been shown that when oxytocin levels
increase,
what happens is it makes the female mind a lot more open to intimacy and just
more open to communication in general. And when oxytocin levels decrease,
the mind becomes a lot more guarded, a lot more closed off,
and a lot more protected. And the same thing for estrogen here.
As estrogen levels increase the desire for intimacy and desire for sex increases
as well and will, it decreases the desire goes down.
So if you're trying to improve and change the level of intimacy you are having
with your partner is these two hormones that we need to really understand and
take a look at to be able to understand how we can build intimacy in the long
run. So when it comes to these two hormones, there are two things that are very,
very important to understand. One is that, you know,
safety here is really the main, main catalyst.
And it's not just physical safety,
but it's also emotional and psychological safety.
So there's been a lot of studies that have been shown that when a female feels
like there's a psychological threat or an emotional threat,
oxytocin levels goes way down and they become very defensive to become very
protected, very closed off. But when they feel emotionally liberated,
emotionally safe, emotionally free,
what happens is oxytocin level goes up and they become even more open and a
desire, intimacy even more. So for now, I want you to hold on to that thought.
That's safety, psychological and emotional.
Safety is the most important thing here.
While we go to the second point that these two hormones are really emotion-based
hormones.
So the thing you need to understand about hormones and neurotransmitters is that
it gets past it, a part of the brain called the amygdala.
And it's responsible for regulating your emotions.
So the important takeaway here is that when it comes to intimacy,
this is an emotional game.
You need to be able to appeal to their emotions and not logic.
And so now that we have those two things defined and laid out,
I want to show you the four core reasons why intimacy may have died or solely
decreased in your longterm relationship.
So the number one reason is that there's a lack of safety here.
So if you're familiar with my work,
you will know that I have the five pillars that are relationship here.
And on the base,
the foundation of the five pillars are emotional and psychological safety.
And that's a reason why that's a foundation. And you know, sexual,
passionate intimacy is up top here because without the safety, it's really,
really hard for a woman's body,
for a woman's mind to be open to intimacy and sex,
let alone desiring intimacy and sex. Because again, without that safety,
what happens is that oxytocin levels goes down.
Estrogen levels goes down and lowers her desire for intimacy.
And this is also why when you watch a lot of other videos or listened to a lot
of other coaches talking about how to create intimacy,
they often talk about the importance of the masculine feminine polarity.
Because the essence of masculinity is all about creating safety. You know,
being masculine is not just being an asshole.
Being masculine means you're strong. You're that rock,
that anchor that can create the safety.
And that is why being masculine and creating that safety is such an important
part of seduction and intimacy. And so now you understand why?
Because that safety acts as a catalyst for more secretions of oxytocin estrogen,
which increases the desire for intimacy.
So one of the big reasons why you may be struggling with intimacy in your
relationship is that you haven't built the foundations here,
the pillars of emotional and psychological safety. Now the second point,
the second core reason why your intimacy may be going down has also to do with
the first two pillars here, which is that when you want really good intimacy,
you need to not only be able to fully express and honestly express what you want
in the intimacy,
but you also need to understand what your partner is looking for as well.
And vice versa. Both of you need to understand fully what both needs.
Now the problem is when it comes to intimacy, that conversation,
it can become very uncomfortable. It can become quite difficult.
It can be a very sensitive topic.
And if you haven't built the first two pillars here,
you do not have enough openness.
You do not have enough safety to allow someone to be able to express openly and
fully all these sensitive and potentially embarrassing things that they want out
of intimacy and so on.
So what usually happens is you think you're giving a lot of intimacy and a lot
of effort to giving your partner love and intimacy,
but they may not be responding to your intimacy in the way you expect it and
vice versa.
Your partner might be feeling like she's putting a lot of effort into intimacy,
but you find it hard to really appreciate and fully appreciate and really that
intimacy on your side.
And the reason for that is that you have this incongruence,
this lack of understanding of what each other needs.
Now a lot of people use things like the five love languages, for example,
to supplement that information and to make a guess of what the other person
needs, what they need and so on. But one of the five love languages is great.
If you are able to build the first two pillars here,
that's even better because if you can openly talk about this stuff,
what happens is you're getting your information from the primary source.
You no longer have to guess,
but she will tell you exactly what you need to do exactly what she needs and so
on from that intimacy. And so again, if you're struggling with intimacy,
it could be that you just don't understand what each other needs.
And the reason why you don't understand is that you haven't built the first two
pillars here. Reason number three is not appealing to the emotions.
And when I was going to therapy and when I was working with a lot of coaches,
one of the most common advice I get is that in a longterm relationship,
you just need to be open about your intention to want more intimacy or to one
more sex.
So basically they're expecting you that if you're not getting the intimacy you
need,
you need to clearly express to your partner that you're wanting more intimacy.
Or if you want sex at this moment, for example,
it's clearly indicating your intention that you want more sex. Now,
while this sounds good in theory, it rarely ever works. And here's why.
When you tell someone that you want more intimacy,
when you would tell someone that you want more sex,
you are appealing to the logical side of the brain. But again,
these hormones that we're talking about,
they are a very emotional based hormone. That means that yes,
she will understand logically that you want more sex,
that you want more intimacy,
but it doesn't make her feel like she wants to give you the intimacy.
And if you do this, it puts you in a really, really bad negative cycle.
And it often goes like this where you expressed to your partner that you want
more intimacy and your partner logically understands that and obligates herself
to give you more intimacy. But again, she's giving you more intimacy,
not out of desire but out of obligation.
And so that act of intimacy becomes less enjoyable for her.
And if you keep doing this,
she'll start associating more and more that intimate moments with you.
Doesn't actually feel very good and that's a very subconscious conditioning and
will wreak havoc on your intimacy in the long run.
And so if you're struggling with intimacy right now,
it could be that you just don't understand how to appeal to those emotions and
how to say and do the right things to be able to secrete those hormones that we
talked about,
to allow the desire for intimacy to come naturally for her and for her to
actually give you the intimacy out of desire, not just obligation.
And then in my next video I'm going to talk about exactly how you can do this
and the important things you need to focus on to properly appeal to our
emotions.
Now the last thing here is also very common and that's you're putting too much
pressure on the act of intimacy or sex itself.
Whenever guys,
especially whenever they are not getting the intimacy they need or the sex they
need,
they get grumpy and you might be grumpy in a very obvious way or grumpy in a
very subconscious way. Either way.
When you're not getting the intimacy you need,
you tend to put a lot of pressure on your partner to give you more of the
intimacy.
And the thing about this is that that pressure actually lowers safety.
And again,
it puts you in this very bad cycle where sex and intimacy will become more and
more like a chore for your partner and less and less enjoyable for your partner.
So if you put a lot of pressure on your partner for giving you intimacy and
giving you sex, what happens is in the short term, yes,
you might be getting more and more intimacy because she logically understands
this. But again,
in the longterm it's going to wreak havoc on the intimacy because you're going
to slowly make her associate intimate time with you as something that's more of
a chore and something that's less and less enjoyable. So in my experience,
these are the four core reasons why people struggle with intimacy in our
longterm relationship. And whatever videos you watch,
whatever advice you get about why intimacy is broken,
these are really the four core reasons why.
And you might be suffering from one of them or making the mistakes and all of
them. Either way.
I hope that this brought a lot of clarity to you on why that intimacy is going
downhill and I hope this opens your eyes to the fact that creating more intimacy
is not just as vague thing you do. It's not an art.
Creating intimacy is more of a science and there is a process to it and I will
show you what that process is like in the next video. In the meantime though,
when you look at this four core mistakes,
the first two are always the most common and that's when you cannot or you
haven't built that culture where you have emotional and psychological safety.
Now, if you want a free resource,
I can help you lead conversations in a way that creates more safety over time in
the long run.
Then you want to check out the free guide in the description box below this
video.
And if you want ain't on that free masterclass that we talked about in the
beginning of this video on the proven five step plan to rebuilding your
relationship.
You also want to check out the link in the description box below this video.
And of course if you want to connect with me on a more personal level,
I have a free Facebook group where you can ask your questions and actually get
good advice about them. So if you find this video helpful,
go ahead and give it a like and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one, and let me know in the comments below,
what did you find most insightful?
What did you find most eyeopening about this video? Leave a comment.
I'd love to hear from you. In the meantime,
be sure to watch these other videos to equip you with the right knowledge and
skills to really thrive in your relationship with. I said,
I'll see you in the next
video.