Gaslighting is one of the narcissists
most favorite little tricks, they use it a lot
whether they’re covert or overt.
So, you really want to be familiar
By the end of this video,
you're going to have eight of them,
so, stay tuned.
I am Rebecca Zung.
I’m an attorney, an author and a narcissist negotiation expert.
Negotiating is my specialty,
even if it's not a formal negotiation,
if you're just having to manage or deal with them,
you still are basically negotiating with them.
So, make sure you subscribe to my channel and
hit that notification bell and
that way you will have the power
in your hands on how to deal with them.
So, let's talk about this gaslighting thing.
Narcissists love to use gaslighting,
it is a way to make you feel like you're crazy.
It is a word that stems from an old movie which
was also apparently a show back in the 30’s and
what the premise was, a husband who was trying
to make the wife feel like she was crazy
so, he would blow out these gaslights and
she would say, “wasn't that just lit?” and
he would say “no, it wasn't”.
So, that's when he did, apparently in the end,
spoiler alert for those who haven't seen it,
which I haven't even seen it myself
but, apparently, she ends up being on to him
which is going to be the outcome for you, whether
you're dealing with them in a personal situation,
or divorce, whatever your situation is
maybe it's a probate situation, a business partner,
maybe it's future clients, or people that
you're having to deal with in any aspect of your life.
It really doesn't matter because you're going to
see gaslighting if you're dealing with a narcissist
it's one of the things that they love to do and
I want to talk about gaslighting.
Gaslighting is, I mentioned, is a way
to make you think that you're crazy.
There are many different ways they use gaslighting,
they straight up just lie to your face,
they manipulate reality, they project, they deflect,
they use other people as their scapegoats or
they just try to coerce you and pressure you.
However they're using it, it's basically all the same and
they use it if their covert, they use it if they're overt,
it doesn't really matter
what kind of narcissist you are,
looking at, by the way, if you want to know more
about the covert passive aggressive narcissists,
I have a whole video on that special type of person.
Yeah, I had to deal with a couple of them.
Some in my own personal life, not as a husband, but
people close enough to help me see the light
as to what they actually look like causing
lots of drama, trauma and chaos in my own life and
I know how horrible it is, and this is why
I'm on a mission over here, on a personal crusade,
as I'm pretty sure the only lawyer on the planet
who actually has a way to negotiate with narcissists and
that's why I have such a personal mission on this.
Let's talk about those eight gaslighting phrases.
They say that they've planned something
for the weekend and happens to be
your anniversary weekend and
they're going away with the boys and,
you're like “you're going away on our anniversary” and
he says, “yeah, we are and I already told you that and you agree to that”
and you never heard about this trip ever, but
that's the kind of thing that they do.
“We discussed that and you agreed”.
So, that's number one,
“You're just overly sensitive, can't you take a joke?”
Adding “HA” to the end of a sentence,
does not make it funny and it doesn't make
it less punchy or hurtful or cruel,
which they actually know, by the way,
but they think that they're adding hot to it,
so that they get to hurt you, but they don't get
to be blamed as a hurtful person.
It's kind of really weird and screwed up.
I'm not making this up.
You all know that you've seen this, right?
So, you're saying that they were supposed to do
the books at the office, or something like that?
They’ll say, “oh, but look what I've done,
I did all of this stuff” and so, they're like moving
the target so that they're no longer talking
about what they were actually supposed to do.
Actually, I had this with somebody who was
supposed to do some work for me,
like an outside vendor, and they were supposed
to help me accomplish a certain task, and
when I was trying to hold them accountable for it,
they just started telling me about the other benefits
that I received from, not even from them,
but like people that they introduced me to and
so, therefore I shouldn't look at the fact that
they shouldn't be held accountable for
what they were supposed to be doing.
I know, really messed up.
Something you know that they did,
or something you know that they said,
they will say that you are imagining.
So now, they're going to take issue with
how you're saying it, that you're emotional,
you're upset, I don't like your tone,
I don't like the way you said that,
you are shouting at me, and now,
you're just talking about that and again,
it's gaslighting to not have to take responsibility.
It's about you,
it's you’re upset, you're emotional,
you're shouting even if you're not shouting,
even if you're talking like this,
you're shouting at them, and so now
you're the one who's the problem,
so, why they use gaslighting,
it's a way to destabilise you,
get control over you and
make you think that you're crazy and so
that you don't see who they really are,
you start to question your own mind,
you're seriously traumatized, and
sometimes, getting over that
can be as bad as being deprogrammed.
If you were in a religious cult or something like that,
you have to really reprogram your brain,
you have to really change your neural patterns.
I was actually talking to a client yesterday, and
she was saying that she actually went
to see Joe Dispenza speak like five times
in a whole year because of having
to reprogram her brain and reprogram
her neural patterns and all that.
That's the kind of thing that they do and why they do it,
especially when you're negotiating with them,
you want to make sure that you start to see it,
because then it will be much easier for you to realize,
“Oh, that's off. I know my tone wasn't bad”.
“I know we didn't discuss that”
“I know I never agreed to that”, and
it will give you so much more power
when you are negotiating with them.
You're making too much of things.
This is, especially if you're in a personal relationship, and
you're trying to call them out on their behavior
or you catch them doing something that they shouldn't be,
they'll just try to make it seem like
you're the one who's crazy, insecure, jealous,
making too much of things or whatever.
If they ended up doing something that they
shouldn't have, maybe they cheated on you
or something like that,
it becomes your fault because you didn't
give them enough sex or, something like that.
I do have a whole video by the way,
on narcissism and sex, and
how narcissists do use sex to control you.
It's really an extension of how they behave
in the rest of their lives, in their world and
in their relationships, but it can be
especially hurtful and demoralizing.
If you want to check that out, you definitely can.
Things that happened, that you know happened,
you even have proof that they happened.
They will literally without blinking
say that never happened.
I'm often reminded of the George Costanza
where in Seinfeld, where he was like,
So, sometimes I wonder if they actually believe
their lies or not
but, that is one thing that they do.
The key is to understand that this is what they do.
It is a way to try to shift your reality and
question your own mind and
the key is in starting to look at it.
Observe it, see it, for what it is.
Almost see it as like a third person and
recognize it when it happens, especially
in negotiations so that you can just
hold steady, hold fast, and be able to know
what is real and what isn't.
This definitely happens when they
move goal posts and they change deals and
all that sort of thing too.
If you are negotiating with a narcissist
or with anyone, I do have a free
“Crush my negotiation” prep worksheet
so make sure to grab that
at winmynegotiation.com.
Also, join my free private Facebook group
“Narcissist Negotiators”
I will drop links to both of those below.
If you like this video,
give it a like, thumbs up, give it a share,
share it out with your friends, family,
so that people can understand what's going on, and
if you haven't, drop me a comment, do that now.
Subscribe, and hit that notification bell.
I'm Rebecca Zung.
Always remember that, today, right now,
is a perfect time to start negotiating, your best life.
I will see you in the next video.
Thanks for stopping by.