-Man, oh, man. That is a fantastic mustache.
[ Laughter ]
We might have to rename the show, like,
"The Tonight Show with The Fantastic Mustache."
-You want to touch it?
-Yeah. Could I touch it? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Oww!
[ Laughter and applause ]
I've been wanting to do that for a long time.
-Yeah, a long time.
-Wow. That's a great one. -Thank you.
-How long did it take you to grow that mustache?
-A couple years. -Yeah?
I don't think I've ever --
I've seen you in movies with mustaches, though, haven't I?
-Yeah, but it's always -- So far, it's been fake.
But if you watch "The Little Drummer Girl,"
I'm shooting right now, it'll be my first thing
with a real mustache,
so I'm expecting a big difference.
[ Laughter ]
-Of a fake mustache compared to that.
-Yeah, it'll just seem like
a more honest performance, probably.
[ Laughter ]
-Is it tough acting with a mustache on?
-Well, fake mustaches drive me crazy
because, you know, they got to glue them on your face.
And I'm kind of a sweaty guy, as I'm sure you know.
[ Laughter ]
After all this time we've spent in close proximity.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Probably looking at me, like, "He's sweating so much."
[ Laughter ]
But, anyway, so it makes -- it weakens the glue,
and then you're always worried it's gonna be falling off,
and you don't want to eat when it's on.
And then, you get obsessed, like, looking in the mirror,
thinking, "Oh, that looks really stupid.
It looks fake, it's crooked, it's not filled in right."
-Yeah. -And the great thing about
a real mustache is that, in reality,
it looks just as stupid, but it's your actual mustache.
[ Laughter ]
And so you can't really criticize it.
You're like, "Well, it's not the makeup person's fault.
It's God's fault." [ Laughter ]
-Last time you were here,
we talked about "The Shape of Water."
That was the movie that you were in.
And it went on to win Best Picture.
-Yeah, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, it did. That was...
-That's amazing. Congratulations. That's fun.
-I was very proud. Very proud.
-Yeah, but here's why I think you're --
I just -- You know, I like you.
But you get invited to the Oscars, obviously,
and then, you couldn't make it.
-Uh, well, I, uh -- Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Well, first of all, okay, I've been to the Oscars twice,
and I always feel a bit like an interloper.
I mean, it's hard to feel like you actually deserve
to be at the --
When you're in the same room -- There's Meryl Streep there,
you're like, "I just don't belong here."
But the point is, is that I had directed a play in Chicago.
It was closing the same day as the Oscars,
and I wanted to go back and see my show one last time
and thank my cast for all their hard work.
And we had a little reception afterwards,
and everybody made speeches, and it was very moving.
And then, I went to the Old Town Ale House
and got, uh, completely poleaxed, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
And that is where I had my picture taken.
-Yeah, someone took a picture.
This is you watching the Oscars at this bar in Chicago.
[ Laughter ]
-By the way -- By the way --
-That is fantastic. [ Cheers and applause ]
That is unbelievable.
-By the way, I should add, the person who took that photo
was the proprietor of the Old Town Ale House.
-Ah, there you go. Wow. -Very, very proudly put it up.
-It's a good pub? -It's my favorite bar, ever.
Then, here's what happens is, the great Michael Shannon,
the double-nominated actor, Oscar-nominated actor,
gets invited to the Golden Globe awards,
and you didn't make it -- You couldn't make it that night.
[ Laughter ]
-I had something I had to get off my chest.
-You really did? -Yeah.
-But what was it? I mean, who -- 'Cause --
This is a picture of you that night.
-Yes. -What's going on?
[ Laughter ]
-I'm praying to the rock gods. -Yeah.
-No, I'm doing a very feeble impersonation of Iggy Pop there.
I think, on this song was, uh...
[ Chuckles ] Man, I'm hot.
[ Laughter ]
I think this was "Down on the Street."
"Down on the Street." Yeah, yeah.
Are you bleeding in that photo?
-Yeah, I'm bleeding. [ Light laughter ]
Either that or it's my cologne.
No, I have very thin skin, as I'm sure you can tell.
[ Laughter ]
If I touch this desk too hard, I just start bleeding.
-You thought I could tell that you had thin skin?
-Now here's the real question -- Is this a thong?
Is that a thong strap hanging out of my pants there?
I can't remember.
-What kind of underwear do you wear?
-I don't know. [ Laughter ]
I don't -- I don't dress myself.
-You don't dress -- You have someone else dress you?
-Yes. Well, I'm in a coma.
-Every day -- When you're sleeping,
you wake up fully dressed? -Yes.
-And you have no recollection of how you got dressed?
-It's a very mysterious life I live, Jimmy.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-I mean, before the segment,
I was standing in the dressing room in my underwear,
And the next thing I know, I'm here, in a suit.
-That's a fantastic thing. -Yeah, yeah.