- Two of my favorite things in the whole world;
leaving parties without saying goodbye to anybody
and never showing up in the first place.
(audience laughing)
I have a quick poll. Quick informal poll.
Should caricature artists have the same human rights
as the rest of us?
(audience laughing)
Most people vote no.
(audience laughing)
I have mixed feelings, initially I was like, of course not.
(audience laughing)
But then I was thinking, and they do have a unique gift,
they can go up to a complete stranger
and just by looking at you they can guess
which of the features on your face
you're the most insecure about
(audience laughing)
and then they can draw a picture
of you where they exaggerate that feature even more
than you do in your mind.
(audience laughing)
And then the best part is
then they offer to sell you the picture.
(audience laughing)
That doesn't seem right.
I used to work in offices a lot,
and the last job I had I got through a temp agency.
They called me on a Friday
and said they had an assignment
for me starting the following Monday.
And it had been a while since I worked in an office,
so I thought I should probably do something
over the weekend to prepare to get back into all the typing
and filing and phone answering and whatnot.
So what I did is I had a friend of mine go with me down
to the local swimming pool,
and I had him time me up in a burlap sack and sink me
to the bottom of the pool.
(audience laughing)
And then right when I was about to suffocate,
he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
(audience laughing)
And then, well.
(audience cheering)
That's very sweet. You might be overreacting.
(audience laughing)
At that job for one project,
the building, the whole basement was just file cabinets,
so for one project they had me go down there
and I filed every day, all day, for two weeks straight.
And at the end of that two weeks it finally occurred to me,
I'd probably be better off
if I just went ahead and joined a cult
because at least in a cult
when they suck the life force out of you,
they throw in some group sucks and a weird haircut.
(audience laughing)
And that's kind of fun.
Guys. I miss when Oprah was in charge.
(audience laughing)
I really do feel like life was better
when she was at the helm.
I loved her. I still love her. She's not dead.
And one of my (audience laughing)
favorite things that she did was
that she would have guests on
and they would take complicated human psychology phenomenons
and they would put them into a simple phrase
that everybody could understand.
Like one of the best ones was,
and you might have heard it, it's "Hurt people hurt people,"
meaning people who've been hurt, hurt other people
so that if you know that,
then when someone hurts you you don't have
to take it personally, you can just think,
well, someone hurt them too.
And I think that's really true and helpful,
but I also like to daydream
of a rogue Oprah who was just commanding housewives;
"Hurt people.
Hurt people. Hurt people." (audience laughing)
They came out with a movie about those guys
that were trapped in a mine in Chile
for two and a half months.
And when they finally rescued them, they all, at first,
told reporters that they had sweared
to never talk about what had happened down there.
And the reason they did that
is 'cuz they were poor and they thought
that if they banded together they could force the networks
to pay them to tell their story.
And they really needed the money,
especially 'cuz they had just taken two and a half months
off from work.
(audience laughing)
But that's why they said that.
But some journalists speculated that the secrecy was
because they had had sex with each other down there.
And I thought that was really crazy.
But then I thought about it for a while
and I was like, you know what,
we could all picture ourselves going up
to one of our coworkers and being like, hey Carlos,
I know that it's been over a month since any of us
have seen a shower or a toilet,
and we're probably not gonna get outta here alive,
but I was just wondering, are you horny?
(audience laughing) At all?
I was in a minor car accident not too long ago.
It was during rush hour,
so luckily we weren't going very fast
and this lady rear ended me
and we both pulled over
and I got outta my car and she didn't get out of hers,
she just leaned out of her SUV and said,
"You're okay, right?"
And I said, "Yeah, I'm okay."
And then she started to get back, just close the door
like she was gonna drive away, which kinda made me mad
so I yelled at her and was like, "What are you doing?"
And she leaned back out and said, "What's your problem?"
And I said, "Well, you ran into me,
aren't you at least gonna apologize?"
And she said, "Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
That's why they call it an accident."
(audience laughing) And then
I was kinda flabbergasted and I was like,
"I know what accident means, A, and B,
still when people accidentally run into each other,
a lot of times they go, 'Hey, I'm sorry I hit you.'"
And then she goes, "Well, if you'll recall,
the first words out of my mouth were, 'Are you okay?'"
And then I said, "I do recall your first words, ma'am,
and I also have a prediction
for what your last words might be,
which is 'Help, I'm being choked
and I kind of asked for it.'"
I'm gonna do a character that I'm working on
and it's called the lady who's had it with stuff.
(audience laughing)
Okay. So, you know what?
I've had it with putting gas in my car.
How many times am I gonna have to go through this?
(audience laughing)
I've also really had it with traffic,
and not just heavy traffic,
I've also had it with light traffic.
It's scary, where is everybody?
(audience laughing) Did something happen?
And then the last thing, and it's the worst.
I've really, really had it
with people who impatiently wave at me to cross the street
in front of them at a stop sign.
Motherfucker, I don't answer to you.
(audience laughing) Okay? You go.
I always wanted to know what it feels like
to be one of those super organized people,
and so a couple weeks ago I cleaned my whole apartment
and I put all my stuff in boxes
and that felt kinda interesting,
so then I went and got a label maker
and I put labels on each of the boxes according
to what was inside.
And so now I just have this box of razor blades
that says "Plan B" on it.
(audience laughing)
That's kind of...
Too much, ma'am.
I'm not confident about this outfit.
I'm kind of changing from,
my old style was mom who got fed up
and left the family camping trip early.
(audience laughing)
And then the new style that I'm trying for
is newly divorced mom pretending to be a good sport
about getting back into the swing of things.
I was thinking recently about the human race
and how messed up we are,
and I think it's because we have a split personality.
On the one hand we're predators,
and so we kill and eat animals
and we also can be really ruthless and cruel to each other.
And then we also,
on the other hand we have this great capacity for empathy.
Like some of us are vegans
and that British lady
on the internet who has a pet bumblebee.
(audience laughing)
It made me realize we really are the absolute best
and worst of all the animals put together.
And so, for an example in ways that we're the worst,
in the worst column, we are the only species
that imprisons other members of our species, which is awful.
But then in the best column,
right now we're the only species working on prison reform.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat bumpy music)