- You need to understand that I am a rapper.
So you know, usually I'm like,
"Here are the rules: don't suggest shit suggestions."
I trust you, right?
You've come here 'cause I emailed you
and you were like, "We'd love to come and see that,"
so you know that I don't like shit suggestions.
Make 'em good.
Last night we had an abattoir for gingers, we had...
(audience laughing)
First two rows, you're gonna get suggestion number one.
What's it gonna be?
- [Audience Member] An aspiring platypus estate agent.
- An aspiring platypus estate agent, is that correct?
So, are we saying that the estate agent is a platypus
or selling to platypuses or platypoli or platypi?
Don't know- - Platypus to platypus.
- Platypus to platypus. Okay, cool.
Great, cool. (audience laughing)
Are they your favorite monotreme?
- Yeah, it wears hats. - Yeah?
They wear- what? They wear hats.
- Yeah. - Platypuses wear hats?
- Estate agent ones.
- Estate agent ones. - That's how you can tell.
(audience laughing)
- That's fine! No.
They say it's legal in Nevada, I don't know.
(audience laughing)
Platypus estate agent. He's aspiring, hopes to be.
Let's come back to, like, row three and four.
Who's got a suggestion from over there?
- [Audience Member] Pizza boxes in Romania.
Romanian pizza- - Oh, okay.
For those of you that don't know,
Andrew Tate is-
- [Voiceover] Allegedly. - A rapist sex trafficker,
it turns out. - [Voiceover] Allegedly.
- Why are you going, "See?"
- [Audience Member] He was talking about him the other day
as if he was some great guy.
- No he's not, no. (audience laughing)
No. He was on "Celebrity Big Brother" in 2016,
he got thrown out because he beat up a woman,
and then-
- [Audience Member] And Greta Thunberg-
- Yeah, which already, you're like,
"Why are you picking on an autistic child," right?
(audience laughing)
He then, in the video, was, like,
showing her his nipple like a weird thing
and then he got arrested by the Romanian authorities
by showing them the pizza box
and that proved he was in Romania,
they raided his house, they took all his cars,
he's in jail because he's a rapist sex trafficker.
- Allegedly. - And somehow-
- This is all alleged. - People are still like-
Exactly, so- well, I mean,
that goes with the rapist sex trafficking.
(audience laughing) There's no, like,
"Well I rape and I sex traffic,
but I do put a coat down over a puddle from time to time.
(audience laughing) M'lady."
And then kick 'em.
(audience laughing)
Okay, no, he's a piece of shit.
Right, so the Romanian pizza boxes, very good,
aspiring platypus estate agent.
Let's come to middle of the room.
What do you guys want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Didn't Happen of the Year Awards.
- The Didn't Happen of the Year Awards.
You are all so online, aren't you?
(audience laughing)
That's a Twitter account where they
kind of mock people who tweet things
and they say it didn't happen.
Did one win this year? What was the one that won?
- [Audience Member] It was
a lady went into supermarket and she was wearing
a "God Save the Queen" T-shirt or something,
and the whole supermarket burst into a chorus
of "God Save the Queen."
(audience laughing) (Chris laughing)
- Yeah, that didn't happen.
(audience laughing)
- [Audience Member] Everyone clapped
apart from this young lad who was on crutches
and he just stamped his crutch.
(audience laughing) (Chris laughing)
- Further back in the room, what have you got?
What do you want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Mary Berry at a sex party.
- Yeah, buddy! (audience laughing)
Tell you what, I'm a big fan of the Auburn lady and-
that's what I call Mary Berry.
(audience laughing)
When I lived in Oxford,
she was frequently at this farm restaurant
that was quite nearby and I've seen her there twice
and she is fucking smoking in person as well.
(audience laughing)
The camera adds 10 pounds.
She is, ooh, she's slender and ready to bender.
(audience laughing) (Chris laughing)
I'm so sorry. No one...
That is not a phrase, all right?
In case you're like, "Is that a thing people say?"
That's a thing that I made up right now.
"She's slender and-" but it's-
'cause it's about Mary Berry
and I think as you age as a woman,
you stop being sexualized and I think,
you know, obviously you're like, "Oh, finally,"
but also there must be a little part of Mary Berry
that's like, "But I did also used to fucking get it."
(audience laughing)
Mary Berry's hot, that's all I'm saying.
When she left, Prue Leith was back on
and I'm like, "No, not my type."
Mary, though, and she's at a sex party.
Okay, platypus estate agent, pizza boxes in Romania,
the Mary Berry sex party, and number three was, of course,
it was the Didn't Happen of the Year Awards, of course.
And then fifth. Fifth one! Make it the best one.
Don't make it something that's gonna
get me canceled again like that.
- [Audience Member] The spare heir without a care.
- Despair- - No, the spare.
- The spare. - Heir.
- Oh! Harry, Prince Harry.
(audience laughing) Good, very good.
The spare heir without a care.
He doesn't give a fuck, does he?
Why would you? Why would you?
He's livin' in L.A., he's livin' his life.
That's why he's smokin'.
Not as hot as Mary Berry, but who can be?
(audience laughing) This is my thing now.
I fuckin'... Oh, who's over seventy?
Who's drawin' a state pension? That's what I want.
(audience laughing) Okay, we're gonna
do a rap about that. Rap time, make some fuckin' noise.
(audience applauding) (audience cheering)
(chill music) Nice! Mm!
♪ Tyree's on the screen, nice tight rear ♪
♪ Purple sequins, Didn't Happen of the Year ♪
♪ It's a clear winner walkin' in the supermarket ♪
♪ Round applause, the queen T-shirt I started ♪
♪ Applaudin' and cryin' from my eyes ♪
♪ A guy on the crutches wobbles side to side ♪
♪ He can't touch his hands ♪
♪ Can't get his palms ♪
♪ And so he starts chair dampin', that's the charm ♪
♪ If the queen passed away and I was in Tesco ♪
♪ I'd be like, "Everybody, come on, let's go!" ♪
♪ Start bowin' down like Salam Alaikum ♪
♪ And now King Charles, he'd be comin' like the 'nother one ♪
♪ And on Twitter it won all of the votes ♪
♪ People say it didn't happen ♪
♪ They would vote and say yes ♪
♪ I'm gloatin'. Why? 'Cause I succeed ♪
♪ If I want to see a little beast in the reeds ♪
♪ With a tiny little beak like a duck ♪
♪ I say, "What?" ♪
♪ This is fuckin' crazy, I pick the prick up. ♪
♪ What are you doin'? Oh, we can discuss ♪
♪ I'm a real estate agent platypus ♪
(audience cheering) ♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ I could see you bright shinin' ♪
♪ What's your job? ♪
♪ Well, I'm just aspiring ♪
♪ I don't really do ♪
♪ Do you want to buy this willow? ♪
♪ That's just a tree ♪
♪ I've listed it on Zillow and Zoopla ♪
♪ And all the other housing apps ♪
♪ Why's he lookin' smart? ♪
♪ 'Cause he wears a top hat ♪
♪ A very dapper guy walkin' 'round with his tail ♪
♪ Like a beaver that's tried to be a bird but has failed ♪
♪ That's a monotreme ♪
♪ The other one, not kiddin' you ♪
♪ You've got the platypus, then you've got the echidna ♪
♪ They're like a hedgehog ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm a rapper who could talk about monotreme cloacas ♪
♪ That's the waste passage they put out the egg ♪
♪ You're nodding like, "Very wise words that you've said ♪
(audience laughing) ♪ That makes a lot of sense. ♪
♪ A clever little boy ♪
♪ I like him ♪
♪ Maybe I would employ him ♪
♪ Not in a lab ♪
♪ Well, it's a shame there ♪
♪ He could be flippin' pizzas out in Romania" ♪
♪ You don't flip pizzas, that's burgers, but fuck ♪
♪ I get the little box and I package it up ♪
♪ I take it out to a mansion, the dude won't wait ♪
♪ He's like, "Put it on my plate! I'm Andrew Tate!" ♪
♪ He doesn't sound like that ♪
♪ He sounds fuckin' so inflated ♪
♪ He goes, "How long have I waited? I want it ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, I like sexy foxes ♪
♪ I like bitches and pizza boxes ♪
♪ I put it open, oh shit ♪
♪ Now they're comin' in ♪
♪ Romanian police raiding my house" ♪
♪ Yeah, better than the rest ♪
♪ When you're out in Bucharest ♪
♪ People like Andrew Tate put the prick to the test ♪
♪ A misogynist slightly like me ♪
♪ When I was ridin' out hard on Mary Berry ♪
♪ I'm in the capitol of Romania ♪
♪ I walk into the basement, remain here ♪
♪ It's so dark, so dingy ♪
♪ The walls are so damp ♪
♪ I look around, I feel just like a champ ♪
♪ I've got my chain, got my whips, got all of my latex ♪
♪ I see over here Victoria sponge ♪
♪ Who made it? ♪
♪ I look to my left and I plunge my finger ♪
♪ My gosh, how airy is this sponge? ♪
(audience laughing) ♪ With all the whipped cream ♪
♪ All the nice jam ♪
♪ All the caster sugar on the top ♪
♪ My plan goes out the window ♪
♪ I get erect, y'all ♪
♪ Because I see the woman who be settin' that technical ♪
♪ From the bake off ♪ ♪ I take off my clothes ♪
♪ Mary Berry's like, "You've been a bad boy ♪
♪ You chose to do this ♪
♪ Come to me, Chris" ♪
♪ She leans in, gives me the tiniest of kisses ♪
♪ Then she runs away, she's playin' hard to get ♪
♪ Mary Berry yeah, she ain't a fuckin' sketch ♪
♪ She's the hottest lady on the BBC ♪
♪ Although she's not been on it recently, but that's fine ♪
♪ Who's that there in the air killing Taliban soldiers? ♪
♪ The heir without a care, he's the spare ♪
♪ 25 chess piece off the board ♪
♪ Really? Harry, are you really quite sure ♪
♪ That you want to equate human life to chess pieces? ♪
♪ He says, "I don't care if it moves ♪
♪ If I see it, I'll gun it down ♪
♪ I do it for the military" ♪
♪ This is less funny than Mary Berry ♪
♪ So we'll go back there in the dungeon ♪
(audience laughing) ♪ Oh, Mary, come on, yeah ♪
♪ I start plungin', I want a fun W.A.P. ♪
♪ She takes the the whips and she spanks me ♪
♪ And Paul Hollywood's there and he thanks me ♪
♪ I say, "No, I'm gonna take this Mary Berry dildo ♪
♪ I don't want a handshake from you ♪
♪ You're a loser" ♪
♪ And I say, "Wow, I like Mary Berry ♪
♪ Fuck Paul, he's a fuckin' Scouse" ♪
(audience cheering) (audience applauding)