FOLKS YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM
( BAND PLAYING ) ( BAND PLAYING )
"FASHION POLICE," DANCING WITH THE STARS" AND HER FAMILY.
PLEASE WELCOME KELLY OSBOURNE.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> Stephen: I'M DOING FINE.
I MET YOUR DAD.
I NEVER MET YOU BEFORE.
>> WE'RE RELATED SO IT'S CRAZY THAT WE NEVER MET BEFORE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT.
I'VE GOT THIS RIGHT HERE.
I WAS HANDED THIS.
TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS.
IT SAYS OZZY OZOSBOURNE, PART COLBERT, PART NEANDERTHAL.
EVIDENTLY, WE ARE COUSINS IN SOME WAY.
>> YES, WE ARE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND THIS?
>> I GUESS YOU BOTH DID THE GENEALOGY TESTING.
>> Stephen: I DID THE GENOME TEST.
>> MY DAD DID IT, AND THEY TESTED ME AND MY BROTHER AND IT
TURNS OUT WE COME FROM THE SAME NIANDER THAT YOU WILL TRIBE.
>> Stephen: ALL FOUR OF US DO?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WOW.
WELL-- >> I CAME FROM MY DAD, SO, OF
COURSE.
YOU'RE A LONG, LOST COUSIN FROM SOMEWHERE.
THE BLACK SEA, I THINK THEY SAID IT WAS.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY.
WELL, LOVELY TO SEE YOU AT THE FAMILY REUNION HERE RIGHT NOW.
I LOVE-- YOU HAVE A REALLY COOL-- YOU SHAVED SIDES OF YOUR
HEAD RIGHT NOW AND A TATTOO.
DO YOU MEEPPED IF I POINT THOSE OUT.
>> PLEASE DON'T TELL ME -- >> Stephen: IS THAT LITERALLY
A TEXT ON THE SHOW?
>> IT'S FROM MY DAD!
I'M SORRY!
>> Stephen: WHAT DOES IT SAY?
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
>> DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO READ IT?
>> Stephen: IF IT'S OKAY.
>> WELL, THERE ARE SOME SWEAR WORDS IN IT.
>> Stephen: OH, GOOD.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: YUP?
>> I'M A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.
OKAY.
"HI" SPELLED H-I-G-H.
"TODDLES.
I JUST WATCHED YOU ON THE TELEY.
I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED AND SOUNDED (BLEEP) AWESOME.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.
DADA.
XXXX."
MY FAVORITE THING EVER IS THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT HI IS
SPECIAL H-I.
>> Stephen: GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.
PLEASE SAY HI BACK CAN WE SAY HI BACK?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT WE'LL DO.
IF I FACETIMED HIM RIGHT NOW, HE WOULD DIE.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD.
>> DO YOU WANT ME TO FACETIME HIM.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD AND FAZE TIME HIM.
WHILE YOU'RE DOING THAT, I WILL TALK ABOUT YOUR BOOK.
YOU HAVE A NEW BOOK CALLED "THERE IS NO (BLEEP) SECRET."
AND IT'S LETTERS FROM A BAD-ASS BITCH.
>> IF HE DOESN'T PICK UP NOW, I'M GOING TO BE LIKE YOU ARE A
BITCH, DAD.
>I CALL HIM DADA.
IT'S WEIRD WHEN ADULT WOMEN CALL THEIR FATHER DADDY.
DO YOU NOT THINK THAT?
IT'S WEIRD?
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> OH, AND THE WORDS-- HE TOTALLY JUST IGNORED IT.
IN THE WORD OF MY FATHER, YET.
WHEN ANYONE EVER SAYS "I'VE NEVER" OR "I DON'T KNOW" YET.
YOU COULD BE A FATHER.
>> Stephen: NO, I AM A FATHER.
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER BEEN AN ADULT WOMAN IS WHAT I MEANT.
HOLD ON.
( APPLAUSE ) COME HERE.
COME HERE.
OKAY.
>> DIE!
>> Stephen: HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
YET!
( LAUGHTER ) NEVER, NEVER SAY NEVER.
NEVER SAY NEVER.
I'M VERY OPEN MINDED.
I'M VERY HONORED.
WHY WRITE A BOOK?
YOU'RE 32.
>> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: WHY WRITE A MEMOIR NOW?
WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO KNOW?
IT'S MORE ABOUT THE FACT THAT I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO SIT HERE
AND COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PUBLIC PERCEPTION OR THE WAY THE MEDIA
PERCEIVES ME IF I'M NOT GOING TO STAND UP AND SHOW THEM WHO I AM.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
>> AND THERE ARE A LOT OF MISCONCEPTIONS AND I HAVE BEEN
THROUGH SO MUCH IN MY SHORT 32 YEARS OF LIVING --
>> Stephen: AND IN PUBLIC, TOO.
>> OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN THE SHOW ON MTV STARTED
GISIGNED THE CONTRACT WITH MTV WHEN I WAS 13-- THAT WAS-- I'M
NOT GOING TO AGE MYSELF.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S THE SHOW THAT STARTED ALL OF THE
CELEBRITY'S LIFE EQUALS ENTERTAINMENT.
>> SORRY.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GUYS REALLY DID IT.
IF YOU HADN'T BEEN SO DAMN ENTERTAINING, I DON'T THINK-- I
DON'T THINK-- I DON'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE WORKED.
YOU SAY YOUR DAD-- YOU SAY YOUR DAD IS INNOCENT, AND I KIND OF
BELIEVE YOU FROM THE TEXT WE JUST GOT THERE.
>> HE IS.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHEN HE SCREAMED IN YOUR FACE?
>> Stephen: YES, I DO REMEMBER.
WHEN WE DID THE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY.
>> I MISSED MY FLIGHT AND I WAS SO ANGRY THEY MISSED THAT
BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH FUN.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST TIME I MET YOUR FATHER HE DIDN'T SAY A
WORD TO ME.
WHEN I CAME IN, HE JUST SAT THERE LIKE I WASN'T THERE.
>> OH, WOMANW,.
>> Stephen: AND YOUR MOTHER WAS THERE AND SHE WAS SPEAK FOR
HIM.
>> THAT'S WHY HE'S GENIUS.
HE PRETENDS HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Stephen: I EXPLAINED I WANTED CAT STEPHEN TO COME IN
AND PLAY "PEACE TRAIN" AND HE WOULD SPHWRUPT INTRUPT AND I
THOUGHT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
WE'RE COMPLETELY SCREWED.
AT THAT POINT, YOU WOULD PROBABLY COME ON AND--
>> THIS IS MY AND MY MOM GO, "GET OUT!
GO!" >> Stephen: I SAID AFTER CAT
STEPHENS COMES ON YOU WOULD YELL THE OPENING OF-- "ALL ABOARD!
>> IF YOUR FACE.
>> Stephen: IN MY FACE.
AND I JUMPED OUT OF MY SKIN.
AND I SAID (BLEEP).
YOU WERE LISTENING THE WHOLE TIME.
>> YUP.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN EXPLAIN HOW THIS PLAYED INTO YOUR
CHILDHOOD BECAUSE HERE'S YOUR FATHER FROM "BARK AT THE MOON,"
HIS FAMOUS ALBUM.
>> YOU MEAN WHY NO KIDS CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTIES?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> MY DAD DECIDED TO PLAY THREE LITTLE PIGS AT ONE OF MY
BIRTHDAY PARTIES -- IT MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN MY SISTER'S--
MY BROTHER'S-- ONE OF OUR S.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE YOU AT THIS POINT?
>> PROBABLY ABOUT FOUR.
>> Stephen: FOUR?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE PLAYING--
>> AND MY DAD IS LIKE, "I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF AND I'LL BLOW
THE HOUSE DOWN."
AND HE PUT US IN THE GARDEN SHED WITH ALL MY FRIENDS AND EVERY
KID WENT INSANE AND WAS CRYING AND MY MOM HAD TO CALL ALL THEIR
PARENTS AND THEY . HOME AND I SAT THERE, "I DON'T GET IT.
IT'S JUST DADA."
>> Stephen: DID HE SHOW UP IN THE GARDEN SHED LIKE THIS?
>> LIKE THAT.
LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I WISH HE WAS MY DAD.
>> HE'S YOUR COUSIN!
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.
WELL, THE BOOK IS "THERE IS NO (BLEEP) SECRET."
THE YOUNG LADY IS KELLY OSBOURNE.
KELLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.