some of you in this room right now maybe
you have some friends colleagues
children who are in pain I don't mean
physical pain just pain in general their
life is not as meaningful as they'd like
maybe they're really successful based
upon current the current definition of
success but for one reason or another
they're not happy some of you might be
thinking about quitting school because
it's on you're unhappy some of you might
be thinking about quitting work some of
you perhaps quitting your marriages and
hopefully none of us quitting life so
it's with this context that I want to
talk about this definition of success
because I think our definition of
success is part of the problem first and
foremost I want to start with talking
about each and every one of you seven
point seven billion people walking this
planet and each of us are unique some
tall some short some thin some not so
thin some extremely bright
mathematicians other literary geniuses
some of us aspiring artists some of us
empathetic physicians some of us
beautiful and giving teachers but
despite our uniqueness we all have
common circuitry and what do I mean by
common circuitry we have common
physiological circuitry built into us
that gives us the ability to engage this
world we have people and wonderful
academics and researchers such as Noam
Chomsky and Richard Richard Dawkins we
have Jonathan Hite and many many others
each of these individuals telling us or
showing us that we have something common
about us common moral systems common
ability to engage language common DNA
common genes all of them important to
engage this world but I
talk about something that's even before
their research which is a simple idea
and I think we all know what it is it's
this idea of our response to fight or
flight many of you probably heard about
it many of us think about to the first
human that walk the planet we've
recognized that we're in situations of
fear all the time and when you're in a
situation of fear you could do one of
two things the response is simply stay
and fight or the response is leave and
run but it's with that response that I
think created in us and in our world
today perhaps not the best definition of
success and let me explain every time we
identify with fear we can leave or we
can fight or we can build something to
make sure that that doesn't happen ever
again
think through or think about history
what have we done we've recognized that
we had political systems that weren't
necessarily the best under a monarchy
what do we realize we we recognized we
had some fear there we had some problems
there so what do we do we created or we
allowed a theocracy and then we realized
that that wasn't necessarily the best
thing and then we created a republican
and from the republic of democracy you
see each and every time we invented new
things we use reason logic and
rationality and it's this idea that most
of us would probably agree is a
wonderful thing to have but maybe it can
go too far give you an example of the
gated community many of us historically
our parents or our parents parents were
born in the communal in an urban
environment what did we realize we
started to think amongst ourselves that
maybe the urban environment has too much
risk there is too much crime so what do
we do we go create gated communities we
put up big walls we built five
thousand-square-foot houses with
security systems and security guards
think about this one for a second let
this one land on us we've created fake
personas on Facebook and Instagram and
Twitter why do we do that why do people
make their lives look better on these
social media platforms because what
they're worried about they see a risk
identify or they identify a risk and
that risk is what that risk is that
they're not as good or as competitive or
don't have a life as good as somebody
else so we make up these fake lives we
have become obsessed with risk we create
risks even when they're not there now
that's not my idea that's been that's
been talked about for thousands of years
and give you an example of this sent
thirty seven hundred and fifty years ago
there was a book written and I'm not
here to talk about faith but there was a
book written called the book of Genesis
and many of you probably heard the story
of Adam and Eve but you probably haven't
heard it this way there was a first man
presumed first man in the presumed first
woman and God was in control and God
said to these two individuals you can
have everything you want here in this
garden everything and anything only only
rule is you can't touch from that tree
of the knowledge of good and evil or
you'll die so they understand this and a
few days go by and the story has it that
a serpent comes up to the woman and says
surely God didn't say you can't touch
from the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil the woman responds not only did
he say that but he also said if we touch
the tree of the knowledge of good and
evil we will surely die now I want that
to land for a second because that is
what I'm talking about
even that story created risk created a
risk that did not exist we made it up
thirty seven hundred and fifty years ago
when that book was presumed to be
written we've been talking about this
ever since we create risks we create
risks that aren't there and the problem
there's real problems with this which
I'll get into every time we identify a
risk I call it risk identification - a
process of risk mitigation we put up a
wall we put up a barrier and every time
we put up a wall or we put up a barrier
we are alienating our
from other people we align it ourselves
from communities we a lien ate ourselves
from our wives and our husbands we a
lien ourselves some our children and the
list goes on this is what dr. buck dr.
Putnam referred to in his book Bowling
Alone what we have but what we have done
is we've created a society where there's
no engagement we might say we have
friends we might say we have colleagues
and we might say we have husbands and
wives and children but the reality is
we're not really engaging at a we're
only engaging at a surface level putting
them talks in his book about bonding
capital and bridging capital I'm not
gonna spend time on it but it's simply
this I can't bond with other people
unless I get to know them and experience
risk with them and really understand
their problems and they understand mine
I can't bridge between whites and blacks
Hispanics without bridging capital you
see the problem is most of us aren't
engaging aren't aren't doing what we
really need to do in order to live a
better life because we put up these risk
barriers and these barriers that aren't
necessarily needed or required I'm going
to take you through a little exercise to
second a five second exercise okay but
bear with me show of hands how many of
you have been told by your parents loved
ones that if you did well in high school
you would get to a good college how many
of you heard that if you do well in
college good GPA you'll get a good job
and how many of you heard if you get a
good job you make a lot of money and if
you make a lot of money you'll get a
nice house and a nice car and maybe a
pretty wife right
we've created a society of getters right
and if you think about this why do we
get why do we need to get a lot of money
okay I'm use that word and that's very
derogatory sense because we need that so
that we can have the house we need that
so we can create the barriers we need
that so we can mitigate all the risk you
see what we're doing in our world right
now is we're in gate we're allowing the
world to engage with us in this respect
and we're not engaging with the world
we're dealing with the risk but we're
not dealing with the other part of it
which is what I want to get into I'm
gonna tell you I'm gonna try to explain
most of this with with a story of a
friend of mine I have a friend who was
born outside the United States he was
born to two extremely competitive
parents and they built in him and his
family his siblings the wanting to be
successful through competition so they
competed in sports at a very young age
they competed in academics at a very
young age they went to the best high
schools they went to the best colleges
they went to all of the Ivy League's he
got his PhD from an Ivy League he went
to go work for the best corporations he
made most amount of money of all my
friends I've ever had and then one day I
see him I said how you do and he says
I'm gonna go start my own company
so why you starting your own company I'm
not progressing fast enough I said what
do you need he says well I'm so worried
that I don't have enough money to take
care of my kids I'm so worried that if I
lose my job I'm so worried fill in the
blank it's continuous worry worry worry
and I said I don't think you should be
worrying about that you have probably
five or six million dollars in the bank
what's to worry about you you don't know
Chris you don't list annex you're not
here here's the second question I asked
them I said how about your friendships
how are things with with your friends
well you know Chris I'm not really sure
I don't gaze there and the friends I
have I really think that they're here
just to kind of come use my pool
beautiful pool okay
so I had these multiple conversations
with them a few years passed by I said
hey how's your wife
she left me why'd she leave you I'm just
not good enough of being a husband I
haven't figured that one out I'm still
working at it how's your kids kids are
uh you know they're okay they didn't
want to get into that with me what's the
point here the point is here is a person
that in all standards you a global
standards when it comes to success
probably after he sold multiple
companies was worth over a hundred
million dollars but everything that
really mattered to him really mattered
to him was gone it didn't exist because
why because he was a getter he bought
into this getting mentality probably the
fittest person I knew the richest person
I knew goodness gracious he was really a
good-looking guy too right he had
good-looking children he had a beautiful
wife he had beautiful homes throughout
the world but everything that really
mattered to him was gone I'm not going
to go through this in this this whole
quote but zigmund Bauman wrote a book
called liquid times and in this book he
talks about progress and it goes simply
like this as we become more and more of
a society of progress and I don't mean
that in a political sense at all but as
we become more and more of a society of
progress what starts to occur is
competition is so great and so so
venomous in many respects that we live
in a world that's almost dystopian we
have everything at least we think we
need but we don't really have anything
we do need right and in this sense like
many of the students I engage with on a
daily basis many executives I engage
with on a daily basis they're paranoid
they're living a life of paranoia and
they're so paranoid because if they
don't put in the eight hours to study
for the exam their best friend will or
their quote unquote best friend will and
they'll lose out so we're constantly
competing and every single thing we do
and when we're competing
we're living in a get Society now I'm
not saying that competition is bad
please don't understand that
misunderstand that but what I'm
suggesting here is that we're going to
get society or
have to get everything I have to
constantly think about getting and what
I'm engaging with other people who are
getting to that creates friction that
creates a society where it's hard for me
to develop a relationship a real
relationship most of the people many of
you in this room most of my students who
are unbelievably successful in the
classroom
many of the executive were executives I
work with are also they're the Quint
essential ant the insect now what do I
mean by that well there's many fables of
the ants the Bible talks about the ant
hold many holy texts talk about the ant
and the ant is the most prudent of all
insects why because the ant can go out
work hard and work very hard in the
summer so they have enough for the
winter they're always thinking about
themselves they're not thinking about
anyone around them they don't have
rulers they don't have leaders it's all
about me me me me and I'm gonna try to
make the argument here that the ant is
what we think the life of success is in
modern society but see the ant is
totally different than the bee I'm not
sure why the holy texts and you know
various fables don't talk enough about
the bee but Aesop if you're familiar
with him he's a fifth century moralist
and writer he talks about the bee and
that's what I want to explain over the
next few minutes what does the bee do
that's different than the ant well think
about this for a second in order for the
bee to survive the bee first goes to the
flower and the bee goes to the flower
and it pollinates the flower after it
pollinates the flower it takes its
nectar and it goes back to its hive and
it shares its nectar with everybody in
the hive all other bees so they first
give in order to get but it's much more
than that right so the ant just
for themselves the B gives first get
second but what I think is even more
magical than that what creates real
wonder in the world for everybody the
beauty of the world is the ants not only
focused on the flower I'm sorry the bee
is not only focused on the flower and
the bee is not only focused on its hive
but the bee is focused on everyone in
society everybody in world benefits from
the actions of the bee I'm suggesting
here for all of us today those of you
that are living a life without meaning
that meaning doesn't start by getting
most of us if we look back on our life
right now and just took a quick picture
of all the times you felt the most joy
the most meaning in your life it wasn't
when you were getting it was when you
were giving or maybe not even giving but
you felt good about somebody else you
felt wonderful about somebody else's
progress so many of you when you see a
great audition or you see somebody who
you know was a failure in the past based
upon modern standards achieve success
many of us perhaps weep but most of us
feel real joy inside of us you feel
unbelievable joy that you don't
understand why and it's because not only
does that primordial nature of fight and
flight matter but our ability to love
matters even more see we don't get
success we don't get meaning by asking
for stuff and taking stuff we obtain
meeting and achieve meaning by giving
first like the bee if you want to live a
life of meaning you have to first start
with giving relationships begin with
giving family structures that actually
matter begin with giving if you want to
create a wonderful corporation and I
teach in the business school here it
doesn't start with how much cash flow
can I get it doesn't start with how much
can i extrapolate get from the world it
starts with where can I find the biggest
problem that my uniqueness my individual
uniqueness can be used the best so when
I talk about giving here I don't mean in
a charitable sense I mean in a sense
where it can continually happen right so
if you want to live a life of meaning
you first have to obtain and understand
where your unique skill is and then use
that skill to benefit the world I'm
gonna leave you with this I dare you
especially for those of you who are
struggling or friends who are struggling
I dare you to do this leave this room
today think about where that uniqueness
is inside of you share that with just
one person I don't care if it's the
garbage man I don't care if it's the
lady at the supermarket share your
uniqueness somehow I dare you to just
love a little bit more and be the bee
you'll find real meaning in your life
thank you