- Social interaction is terrifying.
I also hate this one.
I hate when you're going in for the handshake,
but the other person is going in for the fist bump.
And then you realize you're in front of a mirror
and you don't know who you are anymore.
(crowd laughs)
I don't have a lot of confidence in the way I dress.
Like I would describe my sense of style,
generally, as before picture.
(crowd laughs)
I would say though, the time of year that stresses me out
the most fashion wise is beach season.
I hate beach season.
Yeah, ladies, can I get a silence?
Thank you.
Thanks for jumping on board.
I feel like, as a female,
you have to make that critical decision
between the one piece or the two piece.
Usually I go with the three piece,
which is just a men's business suit
(crowd laughs)
that I rock down to the water.
Cause it covers up my main problem area.
(person stretching)
Which is being a woman.
Maybe she's born with it.
Maybe she's trapped in the societal prison
of impossible beauty standards.
(crowd cheers)
I've also been getting into the internet.
I don't know if you guys have been.
It's pretty fun.
Yeah, I got my AOL CD, I'm finally on there, but.
The internet is tricky.
I feel like you click on a link
and then you wake up five years later
with a beard and you're like, what happened?
My latest Achilles heel on the internet is list articles.
Listicles, I believe is the time-saving term?
I don't know if you guys are familiar with them,
but the whole point, they're known as clickbait.
Like the whole point
is just to get you to click on the link.
They just want those hits.
And there's a lot of sites that specialize in them.
There's like Buzzfeed, Huff Po,
third site is doing great work.
But, you know, at first they started out normal
in terms of being enticing,
like a typical one might be something like
"12 actresses before they were famous".
I'd be like, oh.
Well I'm not famous, let's relate.
(crowd laughs)
Or it'd be like "37 puppies, so cute, you'll be mad".
And you're like, I'm already mad, bring it on.
(crowd laughs)
And then I feel like they ran out of all the normal ones
and they slowly started getting weirder.
Cause they have to put up like 70,000 a day.
It's a valuable job.
So you would start getting ones that were a little odd,
like 51 burritos without makeup.
(crowd laughs)
I guess there has to be some airbrushing involved.
Or it'll be like, "300 ways to prove you're real".
(crowd laughs)
Am I real?
Hmm, better check a hundred of those.
I can't wait until they run out of all the weird ones
and it just comes back full circle to mundane again.
And it's just like," the 10 commandments".
(crowd laughs)
Guess I need a refresher.
Or just like, "two birds".
(crowd laughs)
Is that even a list?
Mad again.
Still have to look.
I live in New York these days.
I've lived there for the past two years.
Yeah, New York's great, you know.
I've learned to love it.
It's a great town if you're in the struggle.
Yeah.
I was trying to explain to a friend
what it's like to live there.
To me, it feels like everyone in that city
is just an involuntary contestant in a reality show
called "So you think you can exist?".
And then every day you just leave your little box
that you were assigned
and the city just hurls experiences at your face.
(crowd laughs)
And it's just like, you're going to break today?
What's going to tip it?
Is it going to be the pigeon with the lazy eye?
(crowd laughs)
Or the homeless man who had to explain
what a mortgage is to you?
One thing I wasn't ready for when I moved there
was New York is the fashion capital of the country.
So there are always models walking around,
which was kind of a bummer.
Just like feral models wandering the streets.
That no one warns you about.
And they're always stepping out of buildings
when you least expect it, just like ruining your day.
Just like, ah, and you're like, no, I'm down here.
You know, I don't have much.
I don't know.
Models to me feel like self-esteem pickpockets.
Like they're fine at a distance,
but then you directly walk by one
and you're just like, "no".
(crowd laughs)
I have nothing.
Even my personality is the wrong shape.
(crowd laughs)
People talk about New York moments.
I think it should be a separate category
called New York breaking points.
I had mine a couple of months ago.
I was walking in Manhattan,
I just saw a loose muffin that had fallen on the sidewalk.
And I just kicked it really hard.
(crowd laughs)
I was like, I didn't know that about myself.
I didn't know I was a muffin kicker.
Like the top shot off in one direction,
the body kept rolling.
I was like, sick.
Children look away.
It's like, if you see something, say something.
What if it's you?
(crowd laughs)
What if you're the something.
So people get into standup for a lot of different reasons,
mostly to escape your past.
Sometimes to hide from your future.
But I kind of did things backwards.
Like I got into standup comedy to pursue my real dream,
which is to do temporary administrative support
in an office.
(crowd laughs)
Thank you.
That is where I truly excel.
I worked in a lot of offices though.
And I would say my main regret is I've never done this.
Like I wish just one time
when I've been sitting in a tense company meeting,
I'd stood up in the middle of it,
apropos of nothing, and gone,
"I think the bigger issue here is I can't read".
(crowd laughs)
I love offices cause awkward stuff like that
happens all the time and you can't fully address it
cause you have to see those people in the next day.
Like one time I worked in a different office,
try to keep up, and this happened to me in an elevator.
A woman walked in.
Then I walked in.
Then a man walked in.
So far, all innocent, that's important.
Button panels right here.
Woman presses five, I press four.
The man's too far away, so he goes "six, please".
I was raised well, so I press six.
He goes, "why thank you".
And then the woman goes, "oh, you're welcome".
(crowd laughs)
What?
That is an example of taking credit for someone else's work
on the smallest scale possible.
(crowd laughs)
Like she was using manners in rude way.
I don't think that's how you do it.
What are the circumstances that she just has to steal
other people's thank yous in elevators.
Like when she walked in, was she just like,
"I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to win".
(crowd laughs)
Where's my rose?
And let me just tell you,
there are a lot of time and space constraints
to seeking revenge in an elevator.
It's not a lot of room to move.
We're on the clock, so you have to think fast,
go straight to primal instinct, survival modes.
You can't judge me for what I did.
I just looked her dead in the eyes
and I farted really loudly.
(crowd laughs)
I do take a healthy diet of pills,
but they are prescribed.
Though, I would say, you know, pills,
they're a great anytime snack.
They um.
They come through in that way.
But no, I suffer from depression.
It's a great way to start off a set, you know?
Sorry to go blue right away, but it's true.
I.
No, I've had it my whole life and you know,
it's like a lot of times I'll feel sad for no reason.
But then I'll remember some of the reasons, you know?
(crowd laughs)
This actually makes a lot of sense.
This adds up.
There are certain types of weather
that are better for depressives.
Like I love it when it rains.
Reminds me why I got in the whole sad game, you know?
Keeps me grounded.
Whenever it's like pouring outside,
as a sad person,
you can turn to any random optimist on the street
and just be like.
"Hey, you're in my world now".
(crowd laughs)
Yeah, I relate to people who have self doubt.
I have a lot of anxiety.
Don't be mistaken by the sassy drag queen stage persona.
(crowd laughs)
I know it's confusing, but.
Yeah, I have a lot of anxiety.
I don't know.
I feel like it's weirder to not have anxiety
than to have it.
Cause I feel like if you're not scared,
you're not paying attention, you know?
Like I feel like if you open a newspaper today,
skim maybe three headlines, you're just like, seems cool.
It's like what?
Everything's on fire.
(crowd laughs)
Even the newspaper is on fire.
Like what are you so chill about?
And you know,
sometimes when you tell people you have anxiety,
they're always like, "well, you know,
there's nothing to fear, but fear itself".
It's like, okay, have you checked out some of fear's work?
(crowd laughs)
Like pretty much churning out solid gold hits.
Making some great points, rarely misfires.
And like, if you don't have anxiety,
the way I would describe it
is like there's an edgy improv group in your brain.
(crowd laughs)
And it just needs like a one word suggestion
(crowd laughs)
to spin, countless scenarios
that no one's comfortable with.
(crowd laughs)
The whole time, you're just like,
"when will this show be over?
I just came to be supportive.
(crowd laughs)
None of these thoughts have a future".
(crowd laughs)
And you know, I have all kinds of anxiety.
I have social anxiety,
which is ironically one of the most relatable kinds.
It's a little weird.
Sometimes mine will get so bad
I can't even talk to babies without getting self-conscious.
Yeah, like the whole time, I'm just like,
oh, what if I'm not in interesting shape or color?
You know?
(crowd laughs)
It's like make a fish, try to relate, take out your keys,
meet them on their level.