-Uh, great landscaping job.
Did you do that yourself? -You bet.
Hey! There's gonna be a meeting between your ass
and the palm of my hand
if you don't get off the shed!
Now get off the shed!
♪♪
-And in my opinion, that's how we make the fire go away.
-Oh, wow. Simply wow.
Uh, thank you so much to Samantha's dad for that
enlightening demonstration. [ Chuckles ]
All right, class.
To continue our Career Day presentations,
we will now turn it over to Mordecai's father,
Abraham H. Parnassus.
-Dude, what does your dad even do?
-I don't want to talk about it.
-I heard he's, like, super old. Is that true?
-I don't know. He's a dad. Dads are old.
[ Laughter ]
-Greetings, children.
I'm Mordecai's father.
Hello, boy. How are you?
Look at your father, boy.
Look upon your father with pride.
-I see you, man.
-All right. Uh...
Mr. Parnassus, why don't you tell us
about what you do for a living?
-Hear me now, children.
For my occupation is of much import.
For 82 years, I have been an oil man.
A baron, some have called me.
Now, what does an oil baron do?
The answer --
Crush your enemies!
Grind their bones into dirt!
Make them regret they were ever born!
-Oh, sick!
-Oh, wow. Right into the dirt.
[ Chuckles ] Now, if the kids want to pursue
a career in oil, what kind of traits would serve them well?
-Oil is not for the weak.
It is the Earth's milk,
and only the strong may suckle at Mother's teat.
You hear me, boy?
Only the strong!
Look at me, boy. Look at your father.
Look at me!
-Look at him, Mordecai. -Dad, this is embarrassing.
-One man came close to breaking me -- H.R. Pickens.
He did not succeed.
For I crushed him into the ground!
-Who is H.R. Pickens?
-Exactly!
-Samantha, you got to stop it, honey, okay?
Uh, well, Mr. Parnassus,
the oil business must be pretty lucrative, right?
-Oil has little to do with profit, marm.
-Okay...
-Oil is about domination of the spirit.
Allow me to demonstrate. Children,
point to the weakest in your class,
and we shall ruin their spirit, as I ruined the spirit
of H.R. Pickens so long ago.
-Word?
-You are weak like H.R. Pickens.
-Feel this, boy.
Understand the pain.
You think I was always the picture of strength
that I am now?
-Dad, you couldn't get out of bed for a week
'cause the mattress was too soft.
-Mind over flesh, boy.
I was born seven months too early.
Incubation technology was still in its infancy,
so, they placed me in a cast-iron pot
inside of a pizza oven
until I was ripe enough to walk!
My bones never hardened,
but my spirit did.
Be strong and crush your enemies!
-Well, this has been outstanding, Mr. Parnassus,
but unfortunately we're running out of time.
Boo!
Now, does anyone else have any last questions
for Mordecai's dad?
-Yeah, yeah. I get that you're an oil baron,
but what do you actually do all day?
-Perhaps I was not clear.
Luckily, I brought a visual aid,
which will illuminate the ins and outs of the oil industry.
♪♪
This dead bird
represents those who would wish you ill.
Once proud, flying high above the Earth
in bloody defiance of her gifts.
And now you return her to Earth,
naked and defeated.
I outlived you, H.R. Pickens!
I crushed you into the ground!
And now your bones turn to oil
beneath my living feet!
I married your granddaughter,
filled her belly with my festering seed,
and sired a boy!
He is my final revenge, H.R.!
-Dad, come on. [ Clapping ]
I want to be you when I grow up.
-And so you shall!
Now, children, I was asked to bring a healthy snack,
so join me in the hall for swine livers
and Capri Suns.
-All right, kids. Go out and eat those pig guts.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, there. How you doing? -Hi.
-You must be Frank Henderson. -I sure am.
I don't know we've -- that we've met before.
-I'm John Taylor. I'm Tom's brother.
-Okay. -This is my wife, Susan.
-Oh, that's right, the Taylors.
I'm sorry. As you can tell, someone didn't forget
to take their stupid pills this morning.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, honey, the Taylors are here.
We can start the party. -Oh, that's sweet.
Hey, is John here yet?
-Well, speak of the devil, your brother just phoned
and he's stuck in traffic, so he and Susan
will be about a half hour late. -Okay.
-Hey, Brandon? Michael? [ Children playing ]
Need you guys to do me a favor and get off the shed.
[ Children playing ]
Need you to be a buddy and get off the shed, okay?
Thanks.
Well, I hope you two are hungry. We got a ton of food here.
-I am absolutely famished.
We just finished 18 at Pebble Brook,
and I tell you what, I could eat a cow.
Mmm!
-Would you like some potato salad
with that cow of yours? [ Laughter ]
Hi, I'm Shirley. -Hi, I'm Tom Taylor.
This is my wife, Susan. -Hi.
-Thank you so much for having us over.
-Well, we've heard so many great things about you two.
Hey, guys? I mean it.
Let's get off the shed.
-Can I get you a glass of Chardonnay?
-Oh. -Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, that would be lovely. -Great.
Well, you just make yourselves comfortable,
and I'll be right back. -Okay.
-You know, you and Susan should really join us
for a round of golf sometime. -Oh, you know what?
We're just nuts about the game. We'd love to.
But I gotta warn you, Susan's a scratch golfer.
-Oh. -Oh.
Well, you know, I've been playing forever.
Actually, this is a cute story.
We met on a golf course in Scotland when we were --
-Get off the shed!
How about next Sunday?
Pebble Brook, 12:00 tee-off time.
What do you say?
-Sounds good. -Yeah.
Maybe we can get John and Sally out for the game.
-Oh, boy. I don't know about John.
I mean, he's a great guy and everything,
but as far as golf go, well, let's just say
he spent a little too much money
on those clubs of his.
Get off the damn shed!
I just bought a brand-new MacGregor three-wood,
and I'll tell you, that thing is smooth.
Drives just like a Cadillac.
-Believe me, I'd rather be driving the Cadillac.
-[ Laughs ]
-Mmm, you smell good.
-Thank you.
-Uh, great landscaping job.
Did you do that yourself? -You bet.
Hey! There's gonna be a meeting between your ass
and the palm of my hand
if you don't get off the shed!
Now, get off the shed!
What do you think of the fountain?
You like that? -Oh, it's a great fountain.
-Yeah, it's a dandy. -Love it.
-Whoo, what time did you say John was gonna drop by?
-Oh, gosh.
I forgot to call and tell you
that he said he can't come, just to go ahead and eat,
but he'll be here for dessert and coffee.
-Why didn't he just say he doesn't like my burgers?
[ Laughter ]
I will punch you in the face
if you don't get off the shed!
Now get off the shed!
Get off the shed!
Get off the damn shed!
-Hey, honey, those look about done.
-They sure do.
Chow time just moments away.
-You know what, I --
Oh, I am not feeling well. -Oh.
-You know, we might have to take a rain check.
-Yeah. -Oh, you just need
your drinks freshened.
I'll be right back.
-Okay. The burger train just pulled into bun station.
Look at these babies.
Excuse me, can you hold on to that for a second?
Okay. So you've been showin' off for the Taylors, huh?
Is that it?
Well, I'm gonna put on a little show of my own!
I'm gonna give you the beating of a lifetime
in front of these people.
You happy now?
-Get off the shed! -Get off the shed!
-Please get off the shed! -Please get off!
-Get off the shed, boys! -Oh, please.
-Oh -- -They got off the shed. Yeah.
Thank you. Appreciate that. -[ Breathing heavily ]
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
-Hey, Brandon? Michael?
I need you to do me a favor and get out of the fountain.
Need you to be a buddy and get out of the fountain.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I think... [ Giggles ] Kyle --
I think Kyle is so cute.
-Oh, yes! -He's so cute.
-His laugh -- he's so sincere.
-Plus, he's so tall. He's, like, 4'10".
-Oh, yeah. -So tall.
[ Knock on door ]
-Knock, knock!
Who's there? It's One Direction!
[ Laughs ]
I'm just goofing. It's your dad.
-Dad, get out of here. You're embarrassing me.
-I'm sorry, my little angel.
I just wanted to stop by and gossip with the ladies.
-No, Dad! I'm serious.
I told you to sit in the bathroom all night.
Go away!
-All right, all right.
I'm going to see you later, girly gators.
[ Chuckles ]
-Sorry my dad is so lame.
-Yeah, what a dork.
-Okay, you guys need to shut the hell up
because that is the realest man I have ever seen.
-Melanie, stop. That's my dad.
-Ooh, I will not.
Okay, he had my body quaking, okay?
Like, honestly, I could have my first cigarette right now.
-But he's old. He's, like, 34.
-Okay, my dad is 78.
And he looks like a hamburger with eyes.
I mean...
Honestly, like, compared to your dad, like,
my dad looks dead.
-Can we go back to talking about Kyle?
-Ooh! [ Excited chatter ]
-His lips are always so red from Gatorade.
-Okay, Kyle is a whisper of a boy.
Mr. Gorman is a shout of a man.
-Hey, girls, I know I received
strict instructions to scram,
but I brought you some snacks.
-Oh, my God, hottie alert. Hottie alert.
-They're... They're PB&Js,
but they are all-natural so, technically,
they're ANPB&Js.
[ Laughs ]
-Oh, my God. My neck is soaked right now.
-So, what are we gabbing about tonight?
How's school going?
-Dad, we don't want to talk about school.
-Yeah, this is a slumber party.
-Um, school's actually going really good for me.
I'm getting an A-plus in Sex Ed.
-Ugh! We don't have that class.
-Yeah, and also you're getting all Ds.
-That's probably why you had to repeat seventh grade twice.
-Um, no.
It's because I threw out my back,
and my mom gave me an adult Vicodin,
and I fell asleep for a year.
[ Chuckles ]
So, Mr. Gorman, let's just say I'm very comfortable on my back.
-Okay. Let's
Do I need to have your mother come and pick you up?
-No! No, please.
Oh, my God, my mom's a bitch!
Like, I really want to stay here.
I will respect everything, Mr. Gorman.
-Okay. You can stay, but please, let's,
let's watch the language. -Okay.
And that is how you play the game.
-Girls, I think it's time for a dance party.
-Yeah! -All right.
-♪ You and your fancy car, top down... ♪
-What is this? What is this, hip-hop?
I think even dads can get down with this jam.
This is great.
-♪ You got to beg and plead ♪
-Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at him.
I need to lay face down on my hands
on a bean bag right now.
-What's the matter, ladies?
You didn't realize the old man still had some moves, huh?
-Oh, I know you got the moves. Ooh, yeah.
-Okay, all right, Melanie. All right, I think it is --
I think it's time for you to go. I'm going to call your mother.
Okay? -No! Please!
I want to stay. My mom's a bitch.
She's doing Jenny Craig, and she's making me do it with her.
It sucks. I miss chips!
-Okay. Okay, you can stay.
-Thank you.
And if you are looking for your dad,
he's in the palm of my hand.
-Hey, let's play Truth or Dare.
-Oh, yeah! -Okay.
I'll go first, and I choose dare.
And I dare myself to kiss your dad.
Yes, baby. -No, no, no, no, no.
Okay, no, listen, okay. You have to go.
Where's Melanie's mother? Can you please come in here?
-What?! No! How is my mom here.
-I called her as soon as I met you.
-Oh, no.
She's a bitch!
She won't let me shave my legs,
and I need to, like, so bad.
-I'm sorry about her.
-It's okay. Thirteen is a crazy age.
-Oh, no. She's not 13. She's 25.
We lied to her about how long she was in that Vicodin coma,
so she's super-horned up but doesn't know why.
-Oh, Mom, I want to stay!
Oh, my God. -Okay, it's --
-I want to stay. -No, it's time for you to go.
Okay, let's get off the bean bag.
-♪ Yeah, take me for a ride, baby ♪
-No, no, okay. Okay...
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey, dude. -Hey, man.
-Are you busy right now?
Can you grab a coffee or something?
-Yeah, of course. Is everything okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just want to run some stuff by you real quick.
-Okay. Let's do it.
So, what's going on? You nervous about the show?
-No. I'm feeling okay about the show.
I'm more excited than anything else.
-Oh, good. So, what's up?
-Um, do you remember I met your family
last week at the show?
-Oh, yeah. They actually loved you.
My mom thought you were hilarious.
-Yeah.
Well, there's actually kind of an issue with that.
-Like, what kind of issue?
-Well, since then...
I've, um --
I've sort of been...
seeing your dad.
-What's that?
-Andy, I've been dating your dad.
-Like, my dad, dad?
-Like your father, Ben, Ben Samberg,
-So what? You guys, like, hung out or something?
-Quite a bit, actually. -When?
-So, last week, remember when we all had dinner?
-Yeah.
-You remember when we all parted ways?
-Uh-huh. -All right, well,
I had to run back in because I had forgotten my scarf.
And who should walk in but your dad,
and he had forgotten his gloves.
Neither of us were tired, so we were like,
"Hey, why don't we just go grab a beer or something?"
-You grabbed a beer with my dad?
-Yes. Just listen. Okay?
So, we got a beer.
And we just started talking.
And truth be told,
he is one of the most fascinating people
I've ever met in my life.
[ Laughter ]
-Is this a joke? -No.
I mean, I wish it was joke.
It would be easier if it was a joke.
It's just that Ben is -- -My dad.
-Yes, your dad. My boyfriend, whatever.
-So you guys, like, hung out,
but it's not as if you're...
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's gotten extraordinarily physical.
I mean...
take that however you want to take it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter continues ]
I'm not usually a coffee guy.
Ben's got me trying all sorts of crazy things these days.
-Right.
Uh, I got to be honest, man.
I'm really not cool with this.
-I know it sounds insane.
It sounds nuts, but this isn't just some fling.
I love him. I love him.
And I don't know how else to say it.
I just -- I feel a connection with him
I've never felt with anybody else in my life.
We just have so much fun together.
I mean, when we're together, we laugh and we laugh
and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh some more.
[ Laughter ]
So how do we go on from here?
-Dude, you're dating my 57-year-old father.
-Why is everyone freaking out about the age thing?
You sound like your mom right now.
-Oh, my poor mom.
-I know this is tough.
But even if I lose a friend over this...
I like to think that I gained a son.
-Okay. -Uh-oh. Here's my guys.
Andy.
Jonah.
-Hi, baby.
-Andy, I've been meaning to tell you,
Jonah and I are dating.
-I'm sorry. I told him already.
-Blabbermouth.
-I know. I'm the worst.
-Hey, Ben, I'm ready to go.
-Andy, Jonah, how do you guys know Ben?
-Uh, he's my dad.
-Small world. We've been [bleep].
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪